Is he controlling me (financially and otherwise)?

[TwoEightTwoEightTwoOh]

A couple of weeks ago I was at home with 2 children (both under 2) and the water went off. I rang DH (a plumber) and he told me to ring 118118 to get the number for the water company. It's a service I've never used but I did it and got put through (big mistake now I know, but I had no idea!). When the bill came for our landline it was twice what it should be and so we logged in and went to the itemised bit and discovered my mistake.

I obviously felt bad about this already but he then went through all the numbers and discovered a call to my mum for 1hr 10mins so we were charged for the extra 10 mins (we have that deal where it's free for an hour). So that was another pound or so and he had another go at me about that. I rarely call my parents - about once a month - so it's not like I'm always on the phone to them and I never call anyone else. To make things worse my parents were visiting and sat there in the room while he had a go at me about this.

It descended into a massive row with me crying in the bathroom. I tried to justify myself, because while I recognise I wasted money in this instance, I feel he wastes it too or spends on things we don't need (eg. Sky tv which he wanted) but I would never dream of berating him about it, and wasted money is just written off, or if he buys something that we never use I will be the one who sells it on ebay or whatever. I know I fucked up but I learned from the mistakes and the whole berating me in front of my parents thing like a naughty child was just unnecessary I think.

It got me thinking about how he is quite controlling generally and even when he knows I'm not happy with something, if its what he wants then it happens. He chose my car, which I hate, and he says we have to keep living here even though I hate it here. We also got a dog for 'him' but I desperately did not want a dog - all quite major decisions. When I challenge him about this stuff he just denies it or says "well you never make a decision so I have to" or will make it seem like I'm being unreasonable for questioning it (eg "we needed that car to fit both kids in" which is true but it doesn't have to be THAT car and I should've had some say. He calls it his car, and his house, even though the car is mine and the house is joint. He says its just a turn of phrase.

I'm on mat leave at the moment but I earn a good salary and I'm still on full pay. He is self employed and will come home and make sure I know exactly how much he earned that day. I already feel pretty low and we've had a bad time with the baby who has been really ill. We are not poor by any means and we have a good stash of savings as our parents have been very generous to us.

He wants me to give up work which I considered (partly because of the baby being ill) but now I think it's the worst idea in the world as I will spend my days battling with the children and he will waltz in waving his wads of cash and having a go at me over every pound spent. I just can't face a future like that but it's going to be hard going back to work as it is always me having to take time off for appointments and sickness (he 'can't let customers down') and my work will get pissed off.

I just thought I'd put this out there and see what people think and whether this is just normal and I'm being over sensitive?

Bad idea to give up work if you don't want to. Having your 'own' money might turn out to be very important.

What would you do RE childcare - presumably he would pay half?

If it were me I would talk to him and tell him how out of order it is for him to have a go about a few pounds for a phone call and that he has no right to make you feel the way he does. That you are not going to put up with it and he needs to start pulling his weight. Tell him that you are going back to work and he will have to take his share of responsibility financially and emotionally when you do.

Doesn't sound normal at all to me. Definitely don't give up your job and be reliant on someone as controlling as you describe. If you can't face the future with him, even more reason to retain some financial independence. Not sure what you're getting out of this at the moment.

The children would be in full time childcare. It's paid for partly from my salary (childcare vouchers) and the rest out of house money. We have a joint account although I don't have any control over it, I just send money to it every month. We both have individual accounts too.

The reason I don't deal with the joint account is not because he won't let me, it's more because I know that if I spent out of it he would immediately query it with me (he checks it on the internet) and I can't face having to continually explain what I spent and why. So if I need to top up the shopping or whatever it comes out of my own account.

I think Yes.
He sounds highly unpleasant too.

Do you love him?

Unless you had some track record of being irresponsible with money ... and I mean properly irresponsible racking up debts and defaults, not his definition i.e. spending a few quid on a phone-call... then there is no good reason why you should not have access to the joint account. It's your money.

If you are prevented from speaking or acting normally because you fear the reaction of someone else then that person is a BULLY.

Dont give up your job whatever you do.
Why is it you who has to take time off work for appointments etc? If anything, it is easier for him to do that. At the very least, it should be half and half.
All of that us immaterial though. He sounds like a prick.
LTB.

And why does he he check what you are spending? What is this guy, your father? What a wanker. What would he do if you tackled him on this? What would he do if you stood your ground and said you want more respect? Seriously?

Two things . . .

1. A couple of expensive phone calls are neither here nor there to most people (though to your DH they seem to be a big deal, which is a Big Red Flag relationship-wise).

1. Do Not Give Up Your Job.

He certainly sounds financially controlling so I really would NOT give up your financial independence otherwise I think what you fear will indeed come true. It's not normal to row like that over a few pounds - unless the bottom line of the accounts are looking low or odd, we would never examine our spending in that kind of critical way. Sounds like he will also happily let you wreck your job rather than pull his weight, which is just another way to make you stay at home and be under his thumb.

He wants me to give up work

Don't.

Consider instead if you want to give him up.

A whole quid to phone your mum, the first time in a month? And you're still on full pay?

Well why the hell shouldn't you spend a quid on a phone call? You earned it. If you were too poor for that you shouldn't have a Sky package or a dog, for starters.

For God's sake keep your job. You're going to need it...

It reminds me of the time my exH questioned the fucking £1 a month I was giving to Oxfam by Direct debit.

I think this was because I questioned the tens of pounds he was gambling with every week...

Do not give up your job.. If your DH wants them at home, tell him he can do it - after all he's self employed and can be more flexible.

Also tell him to bugger off, a few expensive phone calls isn't the end if the world

It does feel like he's my father sometimes, he can be very critical of me. If I am honest he is not just checking what I spend now.

Yesterday he got home and there was a chocolate bar wrapper in the bin. He saw it and came in and said "did you enjoy that chocolate bar?". It was such an odd thing to say that I challenged him on it - I felt he wanted me to know that I hadn't managed to 'hide' it from him, even though I wasn't trying to! I have a little baby weight to lose but nothing serious, I have made lots of changes but I just fancied a chocolate bar. I can control my own weight loss and I am doing.

He says I'm being paranoid and it was a genuine question as to whether I'd enjoyed it or not. Yeah right! He does stuff like that all the time.

It's hard to defend myself because I end up looking ridiculous over this stuff as he will sit there being all Mr Reasonable that he was just enquiring about the chocolate bar.

I'm sorry to say but this increasingly sounds like a really bad relationship. Abusive wouldn't be overstating it.

I won't give up my job!
I definitely need to drive a harder line on him taking time off. It always seems to fall at a time that doesn't suit the current job he is working on....

We have lots of outgoings for things that I see as his 'follies' and they are a damn sight more expensive than a phone call. But I work on the principle that he works hard and is entitled to them. I'm not sure if it works the same way back.

I'm furious on your behalf that he felt it necessary to tell you off while your parents were there-- to me it sound like he not only feels massively entitled to control you (FFS he even told you to call 118!) but is showing himself to be an abusive bully. I felt I recognized your situation a little bit, I've been living with these sort of 'attacks' for years and because there is a grain of truth in them you spend more time apologizing and justifying all in vain because they love to have a reason to abuse... in my H's case he never lets things go. Please don't quit your job (also speaking from experience! it will escalate the situation) but read about emotional/financial abuse and ask yourself honestly if you can live with it.

Wish I'd had the knowledge and strength to question my H's actions when my kids were small! The youngest is just about to leave for uni and they've had to live with it for all these years-- him blaming and (verbally) attacking and me running myself ragged trying to make things right.

What do your parents think?

You are worried about him controlling you. You conceded to the car and dog. Don't give in and quit your job.

There is nothing reasonable in inquiring about a chocolate bar! It is odd.
You are not accountable to him.

Why does he try to make you accountable to him?

I have no track record of being financially irresponsible by the way - I've worked since I was 14, never been in debt (not even a student loan), no credit card, overpay on the mortgage, love having savings and any gift from my parents goes straight into savings. I could definitely be worse with money!

I don't smoke, rarely buy clothes or shoes. Yes I do spend on daft small things once in a while which turn out to be a mistake but in the scheme of things it's nothing (like, say, a block of cheese I fancy that I don't end up eating, just stupid stuff like that).

"I work on the principle that he works hard and is entitled to them. I'm not sure if it works the same way back."

It's very clear that it doesn't. Selfish, arrogant pricks assume control, regardless of whether they work hard or not.

He is slowly trying to change your perception of you. He has made you bow to his will in so much already. He is now nitpicking on the finer points. A phone call. A chocolate bar.

What do you reckon is going to be the next step, whey you have showed him you are towing the line regards to minding your time on the phone, not having a chocolate bar, or chewing a gum. Heck, does he count ho many cups of tea you go through each day? How much sugar you use? Drops of milk in your tea?

His behaviour is controlling. Controlling behaviour is by its very nature abusive behaviour.

This is about power and control; he wants absolute over you. He made you give in over the dog and car, now he is looking at what you eat as well.

It is not good at all for you to live like this and he is not a good role model for your children either.

What do you get from this relationship now?.

My parents sat there having just given us several thousand whilst he berated their daughter for spending a pound on a phone call to them - god knows what they thought!

I'm embarrassed to ring them now, I know my mum will spend every phone call from now on worrying about going over the hour and telling me so.

I suspect my dad thinks he's a twat but would never say it. My mum seems to admire him because he's good round the house and great at home with the kids - he is very hands on - but she seems to have him on a pedestal almost in a fearful way if that makes sense. Like when you admire a teacher you're scared of!

Why did you parents give you thousands of pounds?

Can you pay/give it back before you get rid of him?