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Original poster

Is this selfish or was I wrong to assume??

50 replies

confusedx100 · 01/10/2013 08:30

I have posted before about issues I had with my son leaving home at the beginning of summer holidays. Over the summer, which was horrendous, my son was eventually arrested for something and between me and social care, we persuaded him to come home. He has now commenced his college course although his attendance is quite poor. His behaviour has been challenging to say the least, although things have settled down in the last month since he has returned to education.

I have been in counselling myself for CBT due to the stress caused by this, and my confused feelings over my partner. My son and partner co-exist, there is not a lot of warmth there although they are "civil" to each other.

After a suggestion made in counselling, that my son and I need to spend some time on our own together to build bridges, I have arranged to visit a relative 400 miles away for a long weekend, which is also near a theme park which my son has always wanted to go to. He is quite excited about this, and I was surprised how keen he was to go away with me, after some of the abusive things he said to me over the summer. I am also looking forward to it immensely.

Last night my partner dropped the bombshell that "as I was gong away that weekend, he thought he would also arrange to go away with his friends the same weekend". Not normally a problem, but I had assumed he would be at home to look after my dog (we have been together for 7 years, but I had the dog before I moved in with him). Not a problem, I could normally get her into kennels, but she has not had kennel cough vaccination and we are due to go in two days - all of the kennels around here insist that she has the immunisation a week before. This is also an added expense (about £100), and logistically it is a nightmare, as kennels are 9-5 and I work 9-5 and intended to travel up after work so that I wasn't spending a day of my annual leave travelling. This means I will have to take an afternoon off and a morning off to drop off and pick up the dog.

The dog has always been treated as "my dog", when we go shopping, if I buy dog food it goes into a separate part of the trolley and I pay for it out of my single account, whereas household shopping comes out of the joint account!

My partner thinks I was wrong to assume he would be here to look after the dog, but to be honest if I had more notice I could have got her into kennels, but now I am stuck. I cannot take the dog with me as my relatives have cats and my dog is a big cat chaser, and I don't have anybody I can ask - parents too elderly, neighbours and friends all working.

I have spoken to my friends about this, and they are fuming, knowing the state of my mental health since summer, and feel that he is being selfish. I also feel that he is deliberately being awkward, but perhaps I shouldn't just assume he would look after my dog?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 01/10/2013 08:39

Well, several things really....

How long have you been with your dp? If he is part of the family then did you ask him to go with you and your son? Do you think he maybe feels a bit left out?

I think the not paying for dog food out of household money is odd. It's like he doesn't accept the dog as partof the family. Has he always been like this?

I do think maybe he doesn't understand about the injections etc. People who don't know dogs generally don't and he may have thought it would he easy to book kennels at the last minute. However, he should have discussed it with you.

It doesn't sound like much of a cohesive family unit from what you have written.

Original poster
confusedx100 · 01/10/2013 09:06

DP has been aware I am going away for a month, he didn't have a problem with it - we are a blended family and try to spend time with the kids individually. Also, my son and partner do not get on - my son (16) would not go away with me and my partner.

I have been with my partner for 7 years, the dog is 10.

He does know about the injections/Kennels etc as I have had to organise it before when we have been away on family holidays.

It isn't that cohesive, or doesn't feel like it. As the kids have got older they don't always want to do the same stuff as us or as a family. Also the issues with my son over the summer has made things deteriorate a lot in our relationship.

Re the dog food - On occasion when my partner has bought dog food he gets a budget brand which she isn't used to, and won't eat, so it's easier to get it myself these days.

OP posts:
longjane · 01/10/2013 09:19

I would google dog sitters and get some local one you don't always need kennel cough vac for them as they are not in kennels.

Barking mad is country wide one but there will be loads in your area . It won't be cheap. Though.

Or go to vets today and get it done .

And yes I would assume he sort the dog .

EuphemiaLennox · 01/10/2013 09:25

This weekend sounds really important for you and your son.

I would assume that my life partner would understand this and go out of their way to support it and make sure it happens.

If someone couldn't even help me prioritise my child for one weekend I'd question whether this was really the type of relationship I wanted I'm afraid.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 09:25

On another thread in Relationships lately someone used the word "encumbrances". With regard to DS and your dog I get the feeling your P views them as such. After 7 years I doubt things will improve.

VeganCow · 01/10/2013 09:29

Whats he like with the dog in general, kind and loving or dismissive?
I couldnt be with someone who didnt want the same for my animals as I do. Buying different food for the dog is not on, he sounds selfish to me.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/10/2013 09:32

Does he have the same attitude to your son as he does to your dog? Because that might explain some of your son's emotional issues.

ageofgrandillusion · 01/10/2013 09:48

Why don't your partner and son get on? My guess - because your partner is a selfish wanker who, in this instance, has deliberately booked something when you are away just to be awkward. Loving, respectful couples don't do stuff like that to each other, i can guarantee you that. No wonder kid has gone off the rails.

cjel · 01/10/2013 09:52

I know I shouldn't say this but how included does your son REALLY feel by this man? I would be fuming over this, he must know how important it is for you and your ds to spend this time together and that you would assume he would be doing the dog stuff just as much as he would be doing turning lights on and off and locking the doors when he went out!!!!!
I would seriously have to consider whether this man was part of the problem for your stress and your son?
can you find a dog sitting service near you? someone who will come to your home then the injections won't matter?
Also listen to your friends, they know the situation and are very wise!!

Fairylea · 01/10/2013 09:59

Why doesn't your son like him? I am spying red flags all round here about this man.

GertBySea · 01/10/2013 10:06

Would your DP usually have the dog if you go away, or have you not been away without him before? I don't think you were wrong to assume, as such, but it sounds as though you did assume, ie there was no actual conversation to say that you were not going to book the dog into kennels. He might also have assumed that the dog WAS going into kennels as it usually does.

That said, things being as they are, it would show more consideration on the part of your partner if he did stay home with the dog now and not go away on what sounds like a more spur of the moment type trip.

stowsettler · 01/10/2013 10:10

Have to say this sounds odd to me too. I have 11 year old dogs who have been with me since they were 9 weeks old. My DP and I have been together 4.5 years, but they are very much 'our' dogs. I still do the lion's share of walking because I want to (they are my babies!) but he does plenty, plus he takes care of them regularly when I go away.

I'm afraid I'd have to agree that your partner doesn't seem to have much invested in this 'family'. I also don't buy that he doesn't know about the kennel cough rules etc - the dogs have been part of his household for 7 years now, plenty of time for him to understand the responsibilities of dog owning.

On the dog front - another vote for a dog sitting service. If you find someone local and build a relationship with them they can be a godsend, as I have found out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 10:20

Btw could you put a query on Local Mumsnet, someone in your area might know someone responsible who could manage this at short notice?

Vivacia · 01/10/2013 10:50

I think it's strange that in a long-term relationship the dog food is not a joint household expense. I think it's strange that when you planned your weekend away with your son, you didn't discuss arrangements with your partner.

Given the situation you describe though, I don't think you should be surprised at your partner's reaction. He certainly hasn't given you any indication that the dog is a shared responsibility.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 10:57

As you mentioned having posted before I have now read your previous post from July.

This is the tip of the iceberg isn't it?

scarletforya · 01/10/2013 10:57

It's almost like your DP did it on purpose to make some sort of point. Sounds a bit of a an ass really.

NicknameIsInvalid · 01/10/2013 11:15

Having read your last thread it sounds to me also that your sons problems stem from your partner being an arse. This has gone on for too long now, I hope that you can find the strengh and support to LTB and be happy again just you and your boy.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/10/2013 11:18

Your son is still a child. Please put him first. Poor boy.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 11:21

I also think he is being especially difficult and making things worse for you.

Why go away because you are?

(any chance you could travel with the dog? or get a friend or neighbour to give it food and walk for a bit?)

HighBrows · 01/10/2013 11:25

I think your partner is being very unhelpful and selfish. He has been in your son's life since he was 9, he should also want whats best for your son.

I think your son's problems stem from your partner never really liking him and your son like most kids has picked up on this. It's a sad situation. I hope you get the dog sorted with alternative care and enjoy your few days away mending your relationship with your son.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2013 11:34

Your previous thread says it all really.
You don't love this man.
You have to live by his rules.
Your son hates him.
Why are you still with him?
Your son is at a critical age and needs you.
Please put him first and leave this man you no longer love.
Get your son back on track then you can find someone who wants and EQUAL partnership with you and will love and respect you and your son.
You know what to do - you just need to find the strength to do it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 11:38

I have been in counselling myself for CBT due to the stress caused by this, and my confused feelings over my partner.

Maybe a one way ticket for you and DS would be best.

piratecat · 01/10/2013 11:42

so i just looked at your other thread from July. You partner is an arsehole, and is trying to deliberately sabotage your time with your son.

Not a clue why you are putting a man before your son. Your son is suffering, and will carry this with him for the rest of his life. I know how it feels.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 11:58

Why go to CBT over conflicting feelings about a partner?

If you have conflicting feelings, something is not good.

Please let go of him, for your sake and your son's.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 11:59

What is the situation with your home?