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Original poster

Is this selfish or was I wrong to assume??

50 replies

confusedx100 · 01/10/2013 08:30

I have posted before about issues I had with my son leaving home at the beginning of summer holidays. Over the summer, which was horrendous, my son was eventually arrested for something and between me and social care, we persuaded him to come home. He has now commenced his college course although his attendance is quite poor. His behaviour has been challenging to say the least, although things have settled down in the last month since he has returned to education.

I have been in counselling myself for CBT due to the stress caused by this, and my confused feelings over my partner. My son and partner co-exist, there is not a lot of warmth there although they are "civil" to each other.

After a suggestion made in counselling, that my son and I need to spend some time on our own together to build bridges, I have arranged to visit a relative 400 miles away for a long weekend, which is also near a theme park which my son has always wanted to go to. He is quite excited about this, and I was surprised how keen he was to go away with me, after some of the abusive things he said to me over the summer. I am also looking forward to it immensely.

Last night my partner dropped the bombshell that "as I was gong away that weekend, he thought he would also arrange to go away with his friends the same weekend". Not normally a problem, but I had assumed he would be at home to look after my dog (we have been together for 7 years, but I had the dog before I moved in with him). Not a problem, I could normally get her into kennels, but she has not had kennel cough vaccination and we are due to go in two days - all of the kennels around here insist that she has the immunisation a week before. This is also an added expense (about £100), and logistically it is a nightmare, as kennels are 9-5 and I work 9-5 and intended to travel up after work so that I wasn't spending a day of my annual leave travelling. This means I will have to take an afternoon off and a morning off to drop off and pick up the dog.

The dog has always been treated as "my dog", when we go shopping, if I buy dog food it goes into a separate part of the trolley and I pay for it out of my single account, whereas household shopping comes out of the joint account!

My partner thinks I was wrong to assume he would be here to look after the dog, but to be honest if I had more notice I could have got her into kennels, but now I am stuck. I cannot take the dog with me as my relatives have cats and my dog is a big cat chaser, and I don't have anybody I can ask - parents too elderly, neighbours and friends all working.

I have spoken to my friends about this, and they are fuming, knowing the state of my mental health since summer, and feel that he is being selfish. I also feel that he is deliberately being awkward, but perhaps I shouldn't just assume he would look after my dog?

OP posts:

VeganCow · 01/10/2013 12:58

Just read other thread.

You have put your partner before your son.
You also appear to be aware of this.
You are letting the situation continue.
You can do something about it but are not doing so.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/10/2013 13:05

You introduced your son to P at 9, over time they don't get along, DS's behaviour has deteriorated, now at 16 things are critical, and you yourself don't see how you can stay with P, yet you are frozen.

Blended family, sorry OP with his kids maybe, but your son sounds on the sidelines, it's not 'giving in' to consider your child's happiness and stability.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2013 13:11

It sounds awfully to me as though an adult is throwing his toys out of the pram because his mummy partner is about to be spending (desperately needed) quality time with her son instead of him. Desperately immature, selfish behaviour. I wonder if he's even a bit jealous of the dog too.

gotadifferentnamenow · 01/10/2013 13:22

God.
I don't generally subscribe to the notion of shared money/pets/whatever, but in this case you made a perfectly reasonable assumption and your partner is being deliberately obstructive.
Poor DS. :(

Original poster

confusedx100 · 01/10/2013 18:57

Thanks for all your replies, I have been at work and unable to access Mumsnet.

With regards to the living situation, we have a joint mortgage on the home we live in, I have a little equity, maybe 10K depending on the housing market.

I still own the house that I lived in before we bought this place, which is rented out via a letting agency. The tenancy expires in February 2014. I am trying to hold on until then so that I can move back to my own house, which has low running costs and a small (by today's standards) mortgage.

I have quite a good job, so financially it is not impossible, but I have been looking into a short term rental until then but the dog makes this difficult as most stipulate no pets.

Before, when I have been away my partner has looked after the dog - he treats the dog okay, and I don't have any concerns that he would neglect her.

I think he has been selfish, although it was also wrong of me to assume, perhaps I should have spelt it out ie "will you be okay to look after the dog" or something.

I have arranged a person who looks after dogs in their own home, which is considerably more expensive than kennels, but at least she won't need her kennel cough and I can drop off/pick up outside the 9-5 window.

It has left me feeling a bit deflated, all of the posters saying I should leave - it is all very well, but I was diagnosed as having burnout due to stress exhaustion, and have been told by my counsellor that I should not make life changing decisions whilst my mental health is unstable as I have got misplaced anger. I also feel so tired and washed out, I don't see how I can summon up the energy to move right now, I was hoping my weekend away will give me a bit of a lift and re-energise me a bit, and give me some focus.

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 01/10/2013 19:01

Selfish twat. He has done it deliberately to make it difficult to go away. Where are you? If you're near me I will dog sit for you!

temporarilyjerry · 01/10/2013 19:08

I hope you enjoy your time away with your son. Your relationship with your son is the most important one in this instance. You can deal with the other matters when you get back.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2013 19:11

I think you should apologise to your son, frankly, for making him live with a man who doesn't like him for so long. Then I think you and he should make plans to leave.

About the lack of energy, I think if you and your son moved out you would probably find yourself so much happier and so much more energetic. How lovely it would be to see your son happy again.

cjel · 01/10/2013 19:13

glad you sorted out the dog. Would be very wary of any counsellor who 'advised' you whether or not you should move, Leaving the stressful situation could be the answer to your ill health and your ds may improve dramatically as well once he knows you are on his side. When I was still with ex I suffered panic attacks, ill mental health and really struggled with life. I left, moved 3 times in a year and haven't had one panic attack since.

RandomMess · 01/10/2013 19:18

Have you told your DS that you intend to move out in Feb 2014?

Can you definitely not give your tenants notice?

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2013 19:20

I've just re-read your other thread; I remember it because it was so clear what you should do.

OP, your partner is awful. No wonder your son had problems. His own dad didn't want to know and now your partner is clearly happier when he's not there. Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Just as an aside - I would've left that man because he's so tight. You have one child and he has four but you split everything? But you don't do you as your dog, which is like another child to you, has to be paid for separately. Just one trip to the supermarket with that stingy bastard putting the dog food into a separate section would have been enough for me and I don't even like dogs!

You know what you have to do and you know you have to act fast, before your poor son goes downhill. Show your son you are choosing him. Ffs it's time someone did.

lovesmellingthecoffee · 01/10/2013 19:24

You need to prioritise your son over the dog as well. Don't wait to move out because the dog is slowing you down deal with the dog I'm sure someone will look after it for a few month for a fee.
poor ds he comes after your childish ex and a dogs needs.

waltermittymissus · 01/10/2013 19:31

I remember your thread.

This is not going to change, but I think you know that.

I think it's more to do with fucking up your time with your son than with your dog, though he's a total knob about that too.

I think your plan to leave in February is a good one. Are you leaving the relationship, or just the home?

MortifiedAdams · 01/10/2013 19:46

Ill bet anything he wont actually go away. Now that you have sorted the dog.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2013 20:06

I thought the same, MortifiedAdams. The intention is to cause maximum disruption.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/10/2013 22:06

Confused, I have not read your other thread(s). My first impression reading your OP is that your DP is deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship with your son.

Regardless what DP thinks of DS or the dog, if he loved and respected you, he would not have done this to you. You say you are attending a counsellor, could it be that DP knows he's on shaky ground, so instead of making you chose between him and DS, he has tried to force you to chose between DS and the dog?

LessMissAbs · 01/10/2013 22:42

It is short notice, but I do think its up to you to arrange care for your dog. What goes on in your relationship dynamic is obviously not the "norm", whatever the "norm" is re sharing, but its totally taking someone for granted to not even ask them if they will be ok with looking after your pet for this weekend. Its just one of the things you have to arrange properly if you are going away on holiday and you have animals.

So from that point, I don't blame your partner for also going away this weekend - its clear the dog isn't his responsibility but yours. Simply because you are stressed isn't an excuse for not taking responsibility for your pet. We all get stressed. I do think your partner has done it deliberately though, so that's a separate issue.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 01/10/2013 22:47

well done for getting the dog sorted and not letting your plans be ruined. Sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate so for now I would just concerntrate on a nice weekend away and focus on you and your son.

Pigsmummy · 01/10/2013 22:51

It is very obvious that your partner is trying to ruin your plans with your son.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2013 22:59

I think you need a different counsellor. The one you have is pants, and requires safeguarding training.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 23:05

I do agree that it partners should not be taken for granted.
However, he could easily have said that he didn't like that she dropped the dog on him without asking.
Or say when she first said she'd be going away that he would want to go away too.
Not simply say he's going away because she won't be home and only a few days before she actually goes.

See how you feel this weekend without him.

Possibly encourage him to go for other long weekends soon. See how you feel at home without him.

I suspect some of your mental health issues will get better when you leave.

A nice man wouldn't pull a stunt like this to add to your stress.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2013 10:38

Very glad you have sorted the dog out.
I agree that you concentrate on a nice weekend away with your DS.
Then when you come back you can think about what needs to happen.
But... for your sons sake, don't take too long leaving your knob of a partner!

K8Middleton · 02/10/2013 11:10

Your anger doesn't sound misplaced. It sounds like your partner needs displacing. What a selfish man.

stowsettler · 02/10/2013 12:12

I've had dogs for 11 years, I rented for 8 of those 11 years. It can be done if you want it badly enough.

scallopsrgreat · 02/10/2013 12:16

"and have been told by my counsellor that I should not make life changing decisions whilst my mental health is unstable as I have got misplaced anger" Truly terrible counsellor.

I suspect your mental health will perk up once you are away from this man. And like others I can't see any misplaced anger. Only appropriate anger directed at someone who deserves it.

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