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Original poster

Boyfriend has gone AWOL tonight

41 replies

Agrestic · 01/10/2013 01:43

So my boyfriend of two months went back to his home town tonight. He hasn't been able to go back for a few months and hasn't seen his family or friends.

Today he went back at lunch time and said he would be back around 8/9. For a few days while we have been talking about him going (it was for something special) he said he would come back rather than staying over. We made plans for tonight, nothing special just a night in.

He isn't back yet and his phone is off.

I know he's just gone out to see friends, had a few beers and run out of battery. but he should have let me know shouldn't he?

How should I handle it when he gets in touch? The relationship so far has been great but I this makes me feel totally disregarded and a bit worried..

OP posts:
PatchworkPerson · 01/10/2013 01:50

Do you live together?
I know you must be worried and feeling pissed off and let down but I think you really need to hear his side of what happened before you can judge.
Hope he's in touch soon with a very good explanation.

Original poster
Agrestic · 01/10/2013 01:56

No we don't live together but spend most nights together at either home.

I'm 99.9% sure he's out with friends. I asked if he was going to stay for a day or so because I thought he would want to spend time with people and have a good time. I'm just annoyed he hasn't let know that he's staying and kind of stood me up!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 01/10/2013 06:28

I would be really annoyed. It is basic common manners to let someone who you have plans with that you won't be coming.

2months is really early in a relationship and generally people are on their best behaviour. The fact he is willing to show you no respect so early does not boad well. And you said it hasn't been great, so I would cut my loses... And saying thy I did with a guy who did something very similar.

If he is I'm hospital and incapacitated I would think about second chance. Flat battery no excuse he should have been better organised and charged it, borrowed someone else's or used someone's phone to go on Facebook to let you know and not leaving you hanging.

After 2 months its not a big loss.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/10/2013 06:36

"How should I handle it when he gets in touch?"

That's easy... switch your phone off, go out, lock the doors etc and make it so that he can't reach you. Be doing something else the rest of the week as well... go out with friends etc. You've only been seeing him a couple of months and, if you spend every night in together, it sounds like you're already too reliant on him for your social life.

Mum2Fergus · 01/10/2013 06:46

If no phone battery how can he contact you? I've been with DP for 7 years and couldn't recall his number if my life depended on it ...

calmingtea · 01/10/2013 07:13

You handle it by telling him that it is perfectly ok for him to have a life and friends and freedom, but it is not ok for him to make a promise/commitment to you and just break it because it makes you feel sad and if it happens again there will be a consequence.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 01/10/2013 07:15

It'll be interesting to hear what he has to say...

Lweji · 01/10/2013 07:25

It depends on what he says that happened.

I'd let go one and not make a big deal, but make sure he knew I'd expect him to be more careful in future.

Even with dead batteries people borrow chargers or swap sim cards.

If they were spending the evening together, he should hbe left fairly early, so there should have been time to send a message saying he was staying over.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 01/10/2013 07:31

^ if he's a bloke under 40 I'd be surprised if he didn't know you could swap sims or something. He probably could've let you know and just cacked up a bit. I'd let him know it wasn't ok but like Lewji says, let the one off go. (Though in all honesty I'd be feeling like not bothering too much for a while as it hardly makes you feel very enamoured...).

brokenhearted55 · 01/10/2013 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Agrestic · 01/10/2013 11:43

He is well under 40 and perfectly capable of borrowing charger/swapping sims.

The staying over thing - often it's easier to stay with each other due to work and well I want to. He has always asked me to, I never really thought it was a problem but you are probably right.

still no contact but I'm not surprised at this as he isn't great with the phone anyway and probably isn't up yet if he's had a big night out.

I will be taking the play him at his own game route and am off out for the day/evening, without my phone.

When he does reach me I am going to make it clear he's upset me, then let it go but not forget it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2013 11:53

Glad you've mad plans.
Enjoy yourself and don't think about him today/tonight!
Hope he gets the message that it's not nice to be ignored!

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2013 11:54

madE! not mad! Well hope they are a bit mad!

Original poster
Agrestic · 01/10/2013 12:07

Tonight should be mad Grin
Today evolves the hairdresser's so I'm in prime condition to receive the sob story Wink

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 01/10/2013 12:20

I would NEER have thought of swapping SIMs. I'm quite shocked at my own lack of ingenuity but there you have it.

I would not play any games with him. I would answer the phone and stay calm but be very clear about what I was unhappy about. I would let it go this time but only if he showed a genuine mature understanding of why it was unacceptable behaviour - ie "it is fine to go out with your mates and not be with me for a night but if you have made a promise to come home it is disrespectful not to do so or at least let me know that". Otherwise he would be binned and would be at a second offence too.

Vivacia · 01/10/2013 12:31

I wouldn't play the Guess Why I'm Angry/Sad/Sulking With a You Game either. I would take it as a message of how casual the relationship was at this stage though.

Cabrinha · 01/10/2013 13:28

Why are you planning to play silly games?
Dump him, or speak to him. Don't play silly beggars.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 15:56

I don't like people who arrange things and don't cancel.

So, regardless of how casual it is or not, or how long I'd have been going out or not, I'd expect a proper apology or explanation. Any less and it would be the first strike.

I did it with a recent friend who told me she didn't call to cancel something because she didn't have enough credit on her phone, and didn't have enough credit because she hadn't bothered to top it up.

It's basic respect for each other.

Pancakeflipper · 01/10/2013 16:01

I didn't know you could swap Sims.

I would hear the reason. I wouldn't be impressed and I would be annoyed at no contact. But I would want to hear the reason before any other decisions.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2013 18:36

Is there a "reason" good enough for being so fucking ignorant ?

Other than "sorry I didn't contact you, I a) got run over by a bus b) got kidnapped by Al Qaeda terrorists c) my frontal lobe fell down a grid when I bent over to tie to my shoelaces...." etc

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2013 18:57

I must be feeling mellow tonight because I can't see what the problem is, really.

If I hadn't seen my family for months and went for a few hours and then decided to stay the night, if I then found my battery was shot in my phone, I wouldn't worry too much about telling my short-relationship girlfriend that I wouldn't be watching telly with her that night, as I had every other night. I'd assume she'd assume I was OK and would be back the next day.

I'm all for good manners in a relationship but sometimes, just sometimes, some of these relationships sound suffocating.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2013 18:58

Yes I would expect a brief apology afterwards, but if someone bore a grudge for this I would quickly lose interest.

Capitaltrixie · 01/10/2013 19:13

Don't agree with Imperial; I would be pissed off actually (for reasons mentioned, respect and the like). But then I'm high maint!

I'm fine with a bf going out when they like (within reason, not a mug!), but it's respectful not to ditch someone you have plans with if something better comes up.
That said, I am RUBBISH at charging my phone and wouldn't think to swap sims.
Hope you have a great night out OP.

Pancakeflipper · 01/10/2013 19:29

The reason might not good enough but worth hearing surely? Especially if it's a total made up abducted by aliens who took my phone and made me drink lager and eat kebabs all night.

AcidNails · 01/10/2013 20:01

Totally agree with Imperial!!

2 months into a relationship, and your "plans" were to just spend a night in as you do on any other night? Not really seeing where he's stood you up, or what the big deal is!!

And yes if someone I'd been seeing for 2 months started playing games or giving me grief over something like not notifying like this then I'd be feeling very suffocated and be gone!!

Seriously, it's supposed to be still all fun 2 months in!