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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn addict hubby...why do I feel so guilty for wanting out?

44 replies

pumpkinpie163 · 30/09/2013 10:31

Im writing to appeal for advice from anyone who may have been daft enough to get themselves in the same situation as me.

My partner and I are best friends. Weve been together for nearly 13 years, have a 4 year old and a beautiful baby (5 months) yet we've always had a problem: he doesn't fancy me.
Ive tried everything. And irs been a humiliating and soul destroying ride, though I decided to accept this when we married last year as I figured hes a great dad and I can't have everything.

When I say he doesn't fancy me I mean it quite literally. This isn't just as a result of having kids, its always been this way and ive never really known any different as weve been together so long.

I started to suspect something a few years ago and have repeatedly found him using chat rooms, fetish ssites, and downloading porn. I forgave him (mug!) But still felt lonely. We decided to have a second child (my idea, he wasn't keen on doing the deed) and things felt good again. We seemed strong. Until last January when 6 months pregnant o found out hes been living in a porn obsessed world, emailing other women and cataloging porn videos, plus emailing escorts.

I went crazy at him and demanded he leaves which he refused. Eventually I said he could stay to help with the kids until the baby was born.

Its now been 8 months since I found out his dark secrets. We're still not close yet hes a bloody good dad. Meanwhile however the inevitable has happened and ive met someone else who makes me feel special, and like a woman for the first time in years. He doesn't mess me around and I love being with him.

So its decision time. My heart tells me I should leave my excuse for a marriage and give it a go with the gorgeous, sexy, caring man ive met with whom life just sounds straight forward. But am I doing the right thing? Why do I feel so guilty towards my husband?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2013 10:44

I think you feel guilty because it's never been right and you know you should have ditched him years ago. 13 years and he never fancied you in all that time? (Am I reading that right?) I'm not sure why you've kept him on board for so long but he must have been meeting some need you had ... children? Maybe you thought you couldn't do any better? Now that it's over, it has to be over.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 10:49

Leave your husband. Do it yesterday

he can still be a great dad, whilst not in this sham "relationship" of which you speak

He made his choices years ago, love. and it was inevitable that you would find someone who treats you as the attractive woman you are. That was the risk he took, repeatedly, while he made his own sex life away from you, whilst simultaneously depriving you of your own

Don't feel any guilt. His choices led to this. I truly don't understand why you have already wasted so much time, other than your two lovely children. Don't waste any more headspace on this...it's your turn now.

SisterMatic · 30/09/2013 10:56

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Boosterseat · 30/09/2013 11:08

There are so many threads on here from women driven to desperation by partners who deprive them of a decent, loving sex life because they prefer the sad, no pressure world of online shenanigans.

Its certainly not your problem, much easier to pretend to be the super sex stud hiding behind a keyboard instead of making love to a real life woman.

He is showing you how inadequate he really is.

Listen to AnyFucker and leave yesterday - get your head straight and when you're ready go and find someone who makes you feel delicious.

Branleuse · 30/09/2013 11:18

leave him. He left you emotionally a long time ago.

Stay friends maybe, but a relationship it aint.

Lweji · 30/09/2013 11:20

Definitely no guilt.

Leave and don't look back.

Even without the other man, and even if it doesn't work out, you need to leave.

dontyouwantmebaby · 30/09/2013 13:12

'its been a humiliating and soul-destroying ride'.

Just read that and ask yourself why you should feel any guilt towards leaving him? Thirteen years is a hell of long time to be on that miserable road.

What the others said. Leave him whether there's a new man in your life or not. He can still be a good father to his children. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

It's great that you've met someone who makes you feel special and like a woman. That's how it should be. Don't waste any more precious time on someone who is incapable of having a real relationship and instead gets his kicks from chat porn sites/escorts. Pathetic.

ClockWatchingLady · 30/09/2013 13:23

Some of the best co-parenting pairs I know are not couples.

I agree wholeheartedly with the others - go and enjoy life with your new sexy, caring man. Go go go!
(NB you might not be able to magic away the guilt. But you can acknowledge it, not dwell on it or feed it, and go anyway). Wishing you all the very best for your new relationship.

Original poster
pumpkinpie163 · 30/09/2013 14:46

Thankyou. Seriously, I appreciate all your advice and support. I think I feel guilty because he lays it on thick. ..the importance of family etc. But im afraid I dont believe in staying together as a couple for the sake of the kids.

What you all say above is absolutely right. Thankyou xxx

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/09/2013 14:51

If he thought the family was important he wouldn't cheat or go on porn sites.
He'd do his best to make you happy.

Choos123 · 30/09/2013 15:02

I dont understand why you do feel guilty, except dh has pushed you around and eroded your self esteem. I'm so glad you've found someone else, go go go! Look forwards not back. Many families are more complex now, your children may end up having more people that care about them in the end but you must have a chance of happiness.

dontyouwantmebaby · 30/09/2013 16:10

oh pumpkin! He has got a cheek to lay on thick the importance of family etc!

where is the importance of family when he is living in a porn-obsessed world then? he is trying to guilt-trip you. sounds like he is trying to maintain the status-quo which, surprise surprise, suits him just fine.

gets to be family man to the outside world whilst still indulging in his porn habit, ignoring your needs. you deserve a chance to be happy, don't let him sway you 'for the sake of the kids'.

I really wish you happiness for the future.

Ledkr · 30/09/2013 16:19

I felt the usual depression reading this but then grinned when I read the bit about you meeting someone else!
Well done and don't feel guilty!
Porn addicts don't make great partners/fathers or in fact human beings.
You deserve more so take it and be happy.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 17:00

Oh yes, porn obsessed men make great fathers and partners

not

Just bin him off, OP, and stop listening to his fucking whining. Seriously, the man is defective.

Ledkr · 30/09/2013 17:03

AF you didn't misread my post did you?
Just checking you got the gist, would want you to think I've gone all cool wife n all. Grin

Butttterfly · 30/09/2013 17:20

can I add: my husband has been doing somethibg similar in the past. You can imagine all the grief and humiliation and confusion I felt. I gave him ultimatums and asked for honesty in a process where really, I only wanted him to come to me. During those days I also bombarded him with websites that discussed porn addiction. To cut it short : although denying he had a problem he agreed to an experiment in which he didnt watch porn for a week. withdrawal symptoms overwhelmed him and he decided to extend the "no porn " period. he became an emotional rollercoaster and surprise surprise, looking for emotional and physical comfort from me. this process took over a year. He lapsed here and there and told me about it and I have been understanding, since I count honesty to be the best a man can give me. I know he was also terrified of me dumping him (I havent threatened aggressively but reminded him there was a chance I would get fed up of all this and mihht find my wishes come true with another man ).
Last week when we were digging for some files on his pc we "bumped" into his immaculate and comprehensive old porn collection that was his baby for somethint like a decade or so (indexed, updated, categorised etc ). without me saying a word, he casually said he was meant to do this ages ago - and deleted all the 40GB of it.
if the man wants you and the relationship, he would adjust. it takes work and having his priorities clear in his mind, but it's not the work of a super hero or someone exceptional. Anyone can do something that they put their intention to!

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 17:21

nope, didn't misread you, ledkr

I didn't read yours above before I posted mine, so it looks like I am answering you but I wasn't. IYSWIM.

gah

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 17:22

Oh I reckon you are a cool wife, ledkr, just not a cool wife Wink

Original poster
pumpkinpie163 · 30/09/2013 19:32

Lots of thought provoking comments here. Yes it really has been like this the whole time, but I thought I could change him with an extensive sexy underwear collection and my natural charm! His general response is hed eventually give in, go on about how ace it was then not bother again (unless I was visibly upset and sometimes that made no difference).

I suppose because we got on so well (interests, soh, similar views on life) he sounded like the right man to settle down with. But you have some silly ideas when youre young.

Butterfly, I find your words really interesting because I couldn't be intimate with him now even if I wanted to...knowing hes lusted after all these other women *(and thats assuming it was only lusting)because the trust is gone. There's something ever so unsexy about finding out your man jacks off on his own whilst talking to sluts online. Please don't take that as a criticism of your situation, thats just the image I get of him. He swears hes not done it since I found out but I think its too little too late and that he could have stopped this years ago seeing the negative effect it was having on me.

Hes currently upstairs bathing the kids, being the "model" Dad... hes like jekyl and hyde. Hes trying to win me back. Hes trying to do everything right, but only now hes about to lose me.

Thanks again for all the advice. Massively appreciated NetMums xxxxxx

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 30/09/2013 19:55

It just isn't a turn on is it, and whatever your views on porn if a man does something which really turns you off and makes you feel like you really don't want to have sex with him then why would you stay?

Life's too short not to feel desired when it comes to sex.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 19:55

Yup, far too little...far too late. I hope you never give him another chance.

Butttterfly · 01/10/2013 11:32

I know what you mean .. to be honest, I too had given up on him at one level and thought nostalgically of previous men I refused because I was so in love with my husband to be then. I think at some level I also had given up and felt less guilty when entertaining the fantesy of what's to be or thinking fondly of my past without the hubby. I think luck kept us together though (luck for the lack of my free time whilst being workaholic and not socialising with my extended crowd, just mininum necessary with my best friend, therefore not really rediscovering what's new out there; and luck for his absolute determination to take it easy on me and win be back slowly slowly and with so much patience ).
I might have been pushed just a millionth of an inch shorter than you and with alother factors, I did not fall out with him or reached the level you're at, and I kbiw sometimes it only takes one small thing and we know we need and want to turn our back on something..

Wellwobbly · 01/10/2013 12:41

Let us know what happens OP.

This man can't do intimacy and uses you as an object (housekeeper, nanny) just as those images are objects.

Bin.

adale63 · 01/10/2013 12:56

sorry but the advice in replies is unfairly one sided.
you clearly have not been a match for a long time but you knew this and if he wasn't keen on a second child you shouldn't have gone through with it so he's not solely to blame in this mess
yes he shouldn't be emailing woman and escorts but looking at porn is very normal although looking at some posts in here you wouldn't think so
but at the same time youre criticising him about his dark secrets but you've gone at met someone else whilst still being in the marriage meaning youre either having an emotional or physical affair or even both! if he makes you feel special you have already gone past the normal boundries of a relationship and you need to ask yourself if what youre doing is worse that what hes done. yes you should feel guilty because no matter what hes done their is no excuse for cheating yourself
youre both as bad as each other and need to move on

Boosterseat · 01/10/2013 13:11

Porn might be perfectly acceptable in many relationships Adale, but when it affects the way the OP feels about her partner then it is most certainly not normal, its also not normal for a man to replace a real life enthusiastic woman with an on screen performer.

Emailing escorts normal? Not in my house it isnt.

Its fucking grim.