Porn addict hubby...why do I feel so guilty for wanting out?

[pumpkinpie163]

Im writing to appeal for advice from anyone who may have been daft enough to get themselves in the same situation as me.

My partner and I are best friends. Weve been together for nearly 13 years, have a 4 year old and a beautiful baby (5 months) yet we've always had a problem: he doesn't fancy me.
Ive tried everything. And irs been a humiliating and soul destroying ride, though I decided to accept this when we married last year as I figured hes a great dad and I can't have everything.

When I say he doesn't fancy me I mean it quite literally. This isn't just as a result of having kids, its always been this way and ive never really known any different as weve been together so long.

I started to suspect something a few years ago and have repeatedly found him using chat rooms, fetish ssites, and downloading porn. I forgave him (mug!) But still felt lonely. We decided to have a second child (my idea, he wasn't keen on doing the deed) and things felt good again. We seemed strong. Until last January when 6 months pregnant o found out hes been living in a porn obsessed world, emailing other women and cataloging porn videos, plus emailing escorts.

I went crazy at him and demanded he leaves which he refused. Eventually I said he could stay to help with the kids until the baby was born.

Its now been 8 months since I found out his dark secrets. We're still not close yet hes a bloody good dad. Meanwhile however the inevitable has happened and ive met someone else who makes me feel special, and like a woman for the first time in years. He doesn't mess me around and I love being with him.

So its decision time. My heart tells me I should leave my excuse for a marriage and give it a go with the gorgeous, sexy, caring man ive met with whom life just sounds straight forward. But am I doing the right thing? Why do I feel so guilty towards my husband?

Buttterfly...I know what you mean when you refer to luck and free time. Its easy to bury your head in the sand with kids, a baby, work and the general being busy that comes with everyday life. That's probably why ive put up with this for so long, that and the guilt of separating him from the kids. I realise now however that as several of you have said, he can still be a (good) father regardless of whether we're together. I actually think long term that he'd be happier.

Adale63 just to clarify...he wanted kids. He wanted our littlest. What he didn't want was to have the sex that makes them! So month after month he'd lament that I wasn't pregnant yet refuse any advances and make no attempt himself. Then one day it happened, baby was conceived and he didn't want me again (I repulsed him for the rest of my pregnancy). I got my figure back v quickly, I make an effort to look nice but he still prefers porn chicks. Not cool. I don't agree that porn is "very normal" as you put it, not when it replaces a physical relationship. I think if couples want to use it together, or if one partner is happy for the other to use it then its not so weird as there's no secrets. But in my case I monitored web use on our laptop for a month, during which time hed visit chat rooms and view porn for upto 7 hours a day! Before I woke up hed be looking at porn. Hed come home from work in his lunch break and view porn. Whilst I was cooking the dinner or bathing the kids hed be viewing porn. And most hurtful of all, when I would go up to bed and ask him when hes coming up for a cuddle or whatever, (often strutting around in the latest la senza or Anne summers had to offer) hed instead stay downstairs and watch more porn...whilst I went to bed upset and rejected. I only knew it was this bad a few months ago and suspected but didn't know all this was going on.

But i hear you about the guilt and moving on. Which I will.

Thanks all xxx

Boosterseat...you summed that up quite nicely! :-) xx

Boosterseat if you ready my comment properly you'd see I never said emailing escorts is normal I said quite the opposite and that's my point. you've ignored the rest of my wording just to pick up on that point

yes emailing escorts is grim but regardless of the situation their is still a marriage and relationship and regardless how damaged it may be going and falling for someone else is simply not acceptable either and perhaps EVEN worse!!! but everyone seems to ignore that and instead only shoots the guy down

Ok Adale - I will try again

you clearly have not been a match for a long time but you knew this and if he wasn't keen on a second child you shouldn't have gone through with it so he's not solely to blame in this mess

Having children, unexpected or otherwise doesn't result in the inability to exercise restraint when contacting sex workers.

^yes he shouldn't be emailing woman and escorts but looking at porn is very normal although looking at some posts in here you wouldn't think so
but at the same time youre criticising him about his dark secrets but you've gone at met someone else whilst still being in the marriage meaning youre either having an emotional or physical affair or even both! if he makes you feel special you have already gone past the normal boundries of a relationship and you need to ask yourself if what youre doing is worse that what hes done. yes you should feel guilty because no matter what hes done their is no excuse for cheating yourself
youre both as bad as each other and need to move on^

So the OP cant have a fantasy affair but her "d" p is entitled to have a fantasy shag? Errrrr right. Ok?

Op hasn't suggested she has done anything but consider the option of a life with someone else away from this loser. A loser who has the inability to form normal sexual relationships with a real life woman who is now feeling guilty for wanting a loving relationship where she feels desired.

From your own previous thread is that not exactly what you want? Intimacy? Its not a big ask for most people when in a mutually respectful relationship.

Porn or no porn, you are quite right contacting sex workers is an abhorrent thing to do. You are quite right once again, she needs to move on - to someone without the emotional spectrum of a used tissue.

"yes emailing escorts is grim but regardless of the situation their is still a marriage and relationship and regardless how damaged it may be going and falling for someone else is simply not acceptable either and perhaps EVEN worse!!! but everyone seems to ignore that and instead only shoots the guy down"

yes, yes, I see what you mean adale63, it perfectly incomprehensible why should the OP should happen to fall for someone else, regardless of a marriage damaged by her DH spending up to 7 hours a day online looking at porn whilst ignoring her efforts to have a (real life) adult relationship with him.

so stop shooting the poor guy down people!!!!

PS What Boosterseat said!

There isn't a marriage though, is there adele.

adale I think you need to read the OP's latest post

and then tell me that man's behaviour is "normal"

and then you should really think before you attempt to make someone feel worse than they already do by justifying porn use that damages relationships

thankfully though, the OP has waaaaay more emotional intelligence than her ridiculous partner and you put together and she took fuck-all notice of you

I call that a result

How on Earth can he be a good dad if he is wanking watching porn for 7 hours a day? He must be a shit dad who completely ignores his DC.

Just dump him. If he would rather live in cyberspace then leave him to it.

ah OP, you were doing so well until you called us "Netmums"

I forgive you for thinking I'm a Nethun.

((Hugs))
XOXO

Lol yeah Im sorry about that I cringed when I read it back!!

Overwhelmed by the advice and strong opinions here. No one has minced around, you're all direct and to the point which is so refreshing.

TheCrackfox...I hear you. Though what do I have to compare him to I guess!

"Emotional spectrum of a used tissue"...!!! is the best insult ive heard all week! ;-)

For what its worth I feel way more empowered than when I wrote my original post. So that's progress.

You need to get on with making your life happier Pumpkin. There's no time like the present...

Can I ask you a slightly off topic question OP? How on earth did you get together as a romantic couple if he didn't fancy you?

Entering a relationship, or even flirting before the relationship stage, wouldn't enter my head if I didn't fancy a person.

A jizz-soaked used tissue that is, I presume.

Fucking wanker, he is, in the true meaning of the word.

MrsM, there are lots of reasons why one might drift into a relationship.

This man is an inadequate, but still wants the stability (and cover) of a conventional relationship and family. That's just the first one that comes into my head.

Totally agree with AnyF. You cannot under any circumstances justify porn use when it is damaging a relationship!!

Like AnyF said total fucking wanker!!

Well every time he has refused to come to bed with the OP, and every time he is at his computer (never mind the more proactive step of actually TALKING to real life escorts) he has actually told the OP that for him, the rules of the relationship are different for him to the ones in a conventional relationship where partners talk though their issues and are proactive at fixing them.
To say that the OP is as bad as her husband and has gone behind his back is to reinforce his side of the argument..
It seems like it is not just one, two lapses form his side where he did his best to redress the situation afterwards.. If that was the case, then the OP could be pointed at for not being a fair partner and willing to work througn the 'better or worse' of the marriage.. But this guy is LIVING like this. Obviously not on the same page emotionally to his wife.
Yes he may be a great father and that is great. But she deserves a great father to her children AS WELL AS emotional and sexual fulfillment with her partner. The father of her children can be accepted in her life to fulfill just that, the role that he is doing seamlessly. She has the right to accept happiness and a chance of HER fulfillment even if it means going separate ways!

I think everyone's gut instincts are saying though that 10 years from now, if they stay together, the resentment built up will be more damaging to the children than having happier parents that are emotionally stable and not distracted by their sorrows...

Leave. But for the sake of all concerned, for God's sake do it now.