Feel like just not bothering with anyone ever again

[tupperwareupperware]

Friendships just never seem to work out for me. Everyone else just seems to glide through life getting on with people. I end up all the time with people wanting to fall out with me or to just be spiteful. I don't know if this is because I attract the wrong kind of friend or because I'm awful. Said person will then fall out with me, all mutuals will side with them, and they get to carry on as normal with their merry life and I'm left alone.

I was friends with a mum at the school, she is also my neighbour. We were, I thought, good friends. I introduced her to another friend, who also had a child at the school and for a while all 3 of us went on nights out and met up regularly. Suddenly they both were going on nights out and excluding me, and inviting other mums from school along to join their little group but not me, and they were both hot and cold with me whenever I saw them at school. They still are really. Sometimes they'll be all chatty and at other times they'll act like they don't know me and will walk past me. What's upsetting is that they both have loads of other friends and a hectic social life, yet they have taken away the small social life that I had.

Also years ago when my eldest was little I ended up taking DH's friend's child to school each day as his wife worked. The wife was awful to me and treated me like a hired help, and again at the school wormed her way in with everyone I spoke to. One day her child said some things to me that her mum had said about DH and I, such as our house was a dump and we were common, and I spoke to the mum and said that I was upset about it. She then went totally off on one, and fell out with me, turning half the mums at school against me in the process. After a couple of years, they emigrated. They are now back for a few weeks and there is a big meet up with the couple, and loads of DH's friends and their wives. DH has been invited but I'm not invited as the husband has said that 'I don't get on with the wife'. So I've ended up taking the flack for something that wasn't my fault and I was only speaking my mind (nicely), and now it looks as though over the years DH's group of friend label me as difficult and hard to get on with.

And now it's happening again at school; my youngest has just started school, and I became friendly with his best friend's mum. After a few meet ups it became clear she was the type of person I'd vowed to avoid; slagging people off, nasty digs, very two faced, and I started to keep a bit of a distance. She seems to have cottoned onto the fact that I'm keeping a distance and now keeps being horrible on the school run, walzing up to whoever I'm talking to at pick up and making them talk to her, giving me dirty looks, and pointing at me.

I'm totally fed up :(

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You sound like you're assertive and have high standards. If you live that way (and I think you should) rather than fawning over people who treat you badly or tolerate back-stabbing and so on, you're bound to make a few waves and create a few enemies.

One thing however. Your DH should not be going along to the welcome back party for couple that insulted you. That's incredibly disloyal.

I'm really upset that he's going to the party, Cogito. He says he's said to the bloke that it was the wife that caused the falling out and not me, but he's still going regardless

I'm glad he acknowledges that the DW was offensive but it's definitely wrong to choose them over you.

I just feel overall that I'm just a very unpopular person. So many people seem to have so many friends that think the world of them and I feel that no one is particularly bothered about me. Even so-called close friends, whom I've known for years, don't seem bothered about me. To keep friends I have to make all the effort and the second I stop, they stop too and that's that for that friendship.

People can be inherently lazy when it comes to friendships (I know this because I am haha!), I used to let others make more effort with invites/texts, I wasn't being arrogant about it, just lazy/taking it for granted. But, quite recently actually, I found myself sitting at home thinking 'hmm I really don't have many friends do I?!' so I literally texted about 4 people I liked but hadn't got to know yet properly to see if I could arrange something. So far, 2 things scheduled

So, what I'm saying is, you're probably not an 'unpopular' person at all, just have got into that mindset IYKWIM. Sometimes you will have to make more effort, particularly initially. And if you're not meeting your type of person, then you'll need to widen your circle by joining things etc. (the mums don't sound the nicest tbh!). And sod what DH's friends think, however, I really do think it'd be nice if he supported you on this...

Tupperware, you probably have high standards about how you treat people and expect the same in return, which with a proper friendship is how it should work.

However, it may be worth separating out what are true, genuine friendships and what are just acquaintances, albeit of a friendly nature. I have a small circle of genuine friends but I have lots of acquaintances, who I rub along with just fine. These tend to be the mums I meet at school, people from my work etc etc.

In the last 5 years, I have probably only made 2 really honest new friendships - as in people I know I will always stay in touch with, will never let down or expect them to let me down. I've made loads of new acquaintances. They are usually people I bump into regularly but I know I don't mean much to them and they don't mean much to me.

Over the years, I have fallen into the trap of thinking that acquaintances were genuine friends and have been upset when I realised that I was just an acquaintance to them. I realise now that the older I get the longer it takes to work out what is a true friendship.

Not sure that is any help at all .......

Tupp i feel your pain, look at my thread.

Bloody Friends

Capitaltrixie, I have to confess I too am lazy within friendships. I have a few people that I'd make a big effort for, but I'm really scared of rejection so don't tend to take the initiative with many people in case they say no or they cancel.

PostBellum, I think you're right, I have high standards in friendships and I find just not many people act like proper friends. I definitely need to start looking at people as acquaintances rather than friends. I'm not good at doing things in groups, and I think often established groups of friends just don't take to me. All of DH's friends' wives are all friends and all chummy with each other but they seem to not be very interested in being friends with me. I think perhaps I don't have enough of a presence. I'm quite quiet, and I think a lot of people think I'm just 'there' as I'm not the loudest in the room. I'm a good friend when I get to know someone, and I like friendships on a one to one basis.

Ezio, sorry to hear you're having friendship problems too. :(

Sorry to hear you are having these problems but it may be well in your favor to take a step back and look into these situations. Often we believe that we may not be the issue but if this has happened almost all the time then surely that does say something. You acknowledge that you do have high standards in friendships and that's fine, but are you aware of how this may be coming off to others? You say you feel you have no presence around people but what are you doing to make your presence felt? Confidence is also key, if you are confident people are naturally drawn to you.

I don't know if it the same but my sister is a bit like this.
She struggles to make and maintain friendships and it is honestly her own fault.
She either picks raging nutcases that drive her mad with in a couple of months or she meets someone she likes, pours all her attention in to it. She goes the full nine yards, every favour you think of she will do it. Every nice posdible thing she can do she does it and basically the poor person can't live up to her expectation of what the friendship is.
They have life stuff going on or don't do what she expects them to do so she becomes shitty and it is a fast decline from that point.
I don't know if you do the same maybe you attract the psychos.
I would say that if this is an on going pattern that you should take a look at the kind of people you attract or yourself to see what you maybe doing to put people off.
To be fair the taking kids to schoolum sounds nuts.

With the first one, you were 'Wendied' (someone else will link to a relevant thread!) With the second, you never wanted to be her friend anyway ( and BTW I hope your help with her school run stopped as soon as you found out she was bad-mouthing you, and that your DH boycotts their party); and you very quickly saw that the third one wasn't the kind of friend you wanted, and backed off - her reaction has proved you right!

Coffeetea, I'm not a naturally very confident, loud person, so I think that's why I struggle to make my presence felt.

Queenbitch, I think I definitely attract the psychos. I don't do the pouring all my attention into a new friendship thing though. Haven't really got the time or inclination to do that. If anything, I find people want to become good friends with me quickly and then they turn out to be psychos.

Walkacross, what you've said makes a lot of sense. I think the third one had the potential to be a Wendy too and after my experience with the first one I was wary. I'm really glad with the third I have found out what she is really like sooner rather than later.

I'm feeling really upset now. The mum started on me at pick up again today, pointing at me and then sniggering with her friend. I really don't want or need that kind of hassle :(

Just ignore her. She's just doing it for attention. Others will get bored of her soon enough if she pushes it and will start to avoid her too.

I always seem to end up getting picked on by nasty, bitchy types. They don't seem to be nasty to other people but I think I must attract them

I think you need to work on your confidence. She was sniggering at you because she feels sure you won't retaliate. If someone sniggered at me they would regret it.

I don't want to cause a scene at the school though CailinDana. I'd love to have told her a few home truths and had a go at her but I think then I'd end up looking like one of 'those' mums.

What would you do in that situation? I need some tips

I would ring my husband and start discussing her loudly.

PostBellum said it much better than I could have done. I find the same as she does in that occasionally I believe I have made a friend when in fact I am just an acquaintance to them. It's not an easy game friendship, and I have lots of friends who I'm not entirely sure would be there for me if the shit hit the fan. It's made me appreciate DH and my parents a LOT more than I used to. I have now begun to just assume I am acquaintance to someone until proven otherwise. That doesn't mean I don't still have a great time with them, I just hold back a lot more than I used to emotionally until I am more sure of someone. It's saved a lot of heartache.

I'd be dissapointed if DH went to a party I was shut out of attending, I certainly would never go anywhere he wasn't welcome, you have my sympathies on that as it must hurt, ESP when you are already feeling fragile.

Your husband is a total shit to go to that party after what they have said about you and done to you.

People will only treat them as you let them. I'd personally have faced up to this mother and asked her if she had something she wanted to say. Most people run scared if you show you have self respect and a backbone. Hateful woman, this type of playground mentality makes me furious. It's her, not you.

Only treat YOU, sorry.

But if I did that then the other parents in the playground would probably think badly of me and it would look like I'm stooping down to her level

If you don't want to do it loudly you can just talk quietly while looking at her and laughing. It sends the same message more subtly.

Say it to her but laugh at the same time? Or pretend to be talking to others?