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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

life without adult affection

49 replies

horsish · 18/02/2004 00:27

Don't know why it has taken me so many years to get upset about this but for some reason it is getting to me now and I am hiding my identity.

My husband if a good man and a good dad. We have a nice house and children we love.We are not in debt and are in good health. I have lots to be thankful for (and am)

The problem is he shows absolutely NO affection towards me.NONE. He says he is just not the type. He will give me a hug when I ask but you can tell his heart is not in it- it is like he is hugging an old auntie!
I have asked him lots of times to make some effort for me but a) he doesn't b) it's not the same when you have to beg for it, is it?!

I am not talking about sex (bit of a drought there but we are OK about it)but about hugging, touching, kissing. It is really getting to me.
Are others in the same boat? Is that just reality for many of us and should I just get over it and count my blessings?

I feel like I am a good woman going to waste!

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 18/02/2004 00:32

Have you had a long talk with him about why it's important for you to have that contact. Ask him how he'd feel if you never had sex unless he begged for every tiny move you made?

xperson · 18/02/2004 00:40

Big, big hugs, horsish. I've changed my my name too, for this one. I'm in exactly the same boat, which is one of the reasons I don't want to read any relationship things on MN. Hope the very best for you, but for now I can't confront it in my own relationship.

Original poster

horsish · 18/02/2004 00:43

Yes I have talked to him about it often.It makes no difference.He does not make the slightest effort to show more affection. And I don't want to get on his case all the time because in the great scheme of things it is probably trivial as he has plenty good points.
He is not actually that keen on sex either - it's usually me who makes the moves (once every couple of months) and he is happy to go along with it and it is quite nice, but even the sex is not affectionate.

OP posts:

Original poster

horsish · 18/02/2004 00:44

thank you xperson!
Is there no solution do you think?

OP posts:

FairyMum · 18/02/2004 07:48

Poor you. Was he ever affectionate to you or is it just lately ? I personally could not live without affection and sex, and I don't think your Dh sounds normal. Could he be gay?

emmatmg · 18/02/2004 07:54

blimey fairymum.........that was a bit blunt.

motherinferior · 18/02/2004 08:04

Blunt, but a possibility. H, has he always been like this?

twiglett · 18/02/2004 09:14

message withdrawn

FairyMum · 18/02/2004 09:20

Of course he doesn't have to be gay because you are not affectionate. It's a possibility though, isn't it? If he doesn't show affection and is not interested in sex? I think both sex and affection is natural parts of a relationship. It's too easy to shrug this off and say you have to learn to live with it if one partner isn't happy about the lack of it. Isn't this some of our basic needs?

outofpractice · 18/02/2004 10:35

I feel like I am going to waste in the same way. I often think about why. This probably does not apply to your dh, as he is not a bachelor and has you to take care of him, but so many single men whom I meet through work just don't seem to be interested in women. You don't have to be a doctor to see that these men are dead tired, eating rubbish unnutritious food, not taking any exercise, not getting enough sleep, and don't even have time for themselves, let alone to pay attention to a woman. Has he always been like that, or do you think he is going through an exhausting period of his life, which is affecting his virility?

M2T · 18/02/2004 11:17

Horsish - I think this can be quite a normal lull in a relationship. DH and I are not over-affectionate and we have had sex about once in the last 6mths (conceived this bump!).... and fairymum, I have no reason to suspect DH is gay!!!!

DH's sex drive is much lower than mine and most times I have to initiate anything. But I have spoken to a few people about this and it's not that uncommon. Does your DH realise just how much this hurts you?

I do sympathise, but I have learned to adjust and put it lower down in my priorities. He does show me affection.....usually after a fight when he's trying to apologise though!

He has to realise that not only have you noticed his lack of affection, but that it is seriously hurting you too.

Clarinet60 · 18/02/2004 12:09

I'm in this predicament too, but I have to ask all of you, do your DH's show affection to the children? Can you imagine how a child would grow up if there were no cuddles?

My point is that affection is very important, especially for children, but also for adults. In fact, part of my research at work is looking into the health & psychol consequences of lack of human touch in adults.

So I suppose what I'm saying is, if he can 'do affection' for the kids, why can't he cuddle us/me? And if he can't cuddle his own kids, then he's really got problems. My DH is very affectionate towards our kids, btw.

M2T · 18/02/2004 12:17

Good point Droile! My DH is very affectionate with ds. Ds likes to cuddle in to him on the sofa and have a snooze. But isn't it perhaps the sexual aspect of affection toward a partner compared with a child?

wilbur · 18/02/2004 12:35

This is a subject that is very important to me, as I would say that in past I was like horsish's dh. I found it almost impossible to hug, touch, kiss people, mainly from a fear of getting it wrong or being rejected. My parents were not physically affectionate (although there was genuinely great love in our house and they were affectionate with each other, but less so with me) and even today, the thought of giving my sister a big heartfelt hug is ludicrous to me. The thing is, I longed for cuddles and human touch - I used to (and still do) look at mothers and daughters shopping together, linking arms or holding hands and be terribly envious. I have wondered for a long time why this might be and I think it is a combination of many things - lack of example/parental affection, plus a lot of changes in childcare when I was little, and a long spell in hospital (3 months) as a baby during which time my parents were only allowed to visit once per day. Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree there, but I do feel it was significant when combined with the other factors. However, there is a happy ending here, I was lucky enough to find dh who longed for cuddles as much as I did, and somehow we have become very affectionate and physical, and are the same with our kids. One thing we did do, which is worht considering is go and see Relate (no problems in our marriage beyond some physical ones that we needed help with) who do a thing called Sensate Focus which really helps reluctant touchers learn about their partner, not just for sexual things but for day to day affection too. I am open about this because I don't see why people should be expected to be brilliant physically just like that, I know from experience that it often takes some learning. I realise it might be impossible to persuade a reluctant dh to do something like that, but you never know. Sorry, this has turned into an essay. I'll shut up now.

wilbur · 18/02/2004 16:00

I'm sorry horsish - I seem to have killed this thread stone dead. TMI, obviously. I do hope you find a way through this, though. I can understand your frustration.

SpringChicken · 18/02/2004 16:11

Haven't really got anything useful to add but just wanted to make you aware Horsish incase you hadn't already noticed from this thread that you are not the only one in this situation.
Simply from you starting this thread 3 people have said they are in the same situation as you and some have explained feeling similar to your DH.

If nothing else, take it as a good things neither you or your DH are abnormal - could just be something that needs bringing out in the open a bit more.

Pacific · 18/02/2004 16:39

Horsish, same for me too. DH was never interested in s*x. He only married me then did the deed to have children (which he desperately wanted). Then almost inevitably, we had marital problems and we withdrew from one another. We now live like flatmates or brother and sister. I am not entirely happy with the situation but decided to make a go of it because he is a fabulous father.

I haven't had a cuddle or s*x for 8 years now and often feel sad about it. And I did occasionally wonder if he was a closet gay. He may indeed be one...but definitely in the closet.

Original poster

horsish · 18/02/2004 18:56

thanks everybody. hadn't thought about him being gay - not sure why but it made me smile. Don't think he is.
he IS affectionaate to the kids.
No he was never particularly different from the way he id snow.Bugger he s home

OP posts:

katierocket · 18/02/2004 19:04

hoorish - I would echo wilbur's post. I was (still am to certain extent) not a naturally affectionate person. As far as DS goes I could hug him to pieces and kiss him all day but not with DP. To cut long story short I went through some Cog Behavioural Therapy last year and it was a revelation. A lot of the reason I was like this was because of my relationship with my own parents. They split up when I was 13 but they were never affectionate. What kind of an upbringing did he have?

Interestingly enough one of the things I learnt was that, in terms of teaching your children about affection, it doesn't really matter how affectionate you are to them (obivously it does but it's not the strongest factor apparently.) It's what you are like with your partner that they learn from. So if they never see you and your DH kissing/hugging etc they will grow up to think that it's normal for that kind of relationship IFYKWIM. This was exactly the problem with me and my best friend had the same problem (also caused by father leaving, no affection openly shown in family etc)
Do you know what kind of upbringing he had?

carolthatcher2003 · 20/02/2004 13:22

Pacific, want to swop husbands? He wanted to do it again last night, and he promised me he wouldn't bug ne for it if I let him once a month

crystaltips · 20/02/2004 16:36

Horsish .... My DH was just like this ... comes from a naturally cold family ... his mother is only interested in herself. His parents never really gave them much attention - let alone love. They were sent to boarding school and made to feel that they were a bit of an inconvenience.
In all his 40 years neither of them have told him that they love him - EVER. I think that's tragic.... what a childhood?

My family are at the other end of the spectrum TOTALLY ! And DH found it very hard to cope with - seeing my lot kiss and hug each other the whole time .. To be truthful - I think he found it suffocating.

However I have managed to "teach" him that it's OK to show affection openly ... GOD it's taken me years !!

I still have to initiate the hugs and the kisses but now he reciprocates.

Since the kids have come along - he is a different bloke and just blossoms in the kids' company. I think he is making up for the childhood he never had

Suffice to say - it's possible to change them slightly ... but Rome was not built in a day... have patience and DO expect a rebuff or two in the early days - as it's just not in his nature - initially. Good Luck xxx

Clarinet60 · 20/02/2004 22:16

I know I keep being a spanner in the works here, but how did these blokes come to be living with/married to you? They weren't cold when they were getting it on, were they? I still maintain that if they can do it when they want a bit, they damn well know how to do it at other times. They just don't want to, is all. I just don't buy into this cold upbringing story at all.

Evita · 21/02/2004 12:44

Well, I think the 'cold upbringing' may or may not play a role. Dp and I both had v. severe and non-affectionate parents but we've turned out differently. I like cuddles and physical affection but am not mad on sex, he's the opposite, could do without the touching but has a relatively high sex drive.

I think it's got more to do with sex drive. We are all different hormonally and some people want it more than others. If you just don't have the drive, you don't, and sometimes that leads to avoiding any kind of physical contact as you don't want it to lead to sex. It's also got something to do with personal space. Sex is, of course, 'invasive' and you let yourself go, sometimes one just doesn't want to do that.

horsish, do you do things together and enjoy each other's company in different ways? Do you laugh together etc.? I sometimes think compatibility in these things is more important.

crystaltips · 21/02/2004 15:11

Droile - IMO Love/Affection and Lust are very different things.

When we were "getting it on" there was lots of lust and we were on the crest of the wave - couldn't get enough BUT that is very different to the everyday life as living as a couple. Sadly we dont have the time/energy to "get it on" but this is being substituted by hugs on the sofa whilst wathcing a video and cuddles whilst I am stirring the gravy ....

In the early days the gravy would burn and we'd be doing it on the kitchen table

suzywong · 21/02/2004 15:24

crystaltips
I think you have the makings of a fine country and western song there

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