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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

life without adult affection

49 replies

horsish · 18/02/2004 00:27

Don't know why it has taken me so many years to get upset about this but for some reason it is getting to me now and I am hiding my identity.

My husband if a good man and a good dad. We have a nice house and children we love.We are not in debt and are in good health. I have lots to be thankful for (and am)

The problem is he shows absolutely NO affection towards me.NONE. He says he is just not the type. He will give me a hug when I ask but you can tell his heart is not in it- it is like he is hugging an old auntie!
I have asked him lots of times to make some effort for me but a) he doesn't b) it's not the same when you have to beg for it, is it?!

I am not talking about sex (bit of a drought there but we are OK about it)but about hugging, touching, kissing. It is really getting to me.
Are others in the same boat? Is that just reality for many of us and should I just get over it and count my blessings?

I feel like I am a good woman going to waste!

OP posts:

suedonim · 21/02/2004 15:55

This sounds very much like my parent's relationship. My dad was undemonstrative (he's now dead) while my mum is more 'physical'. Funnily enough, just this week she said she knew what my dad was like when she married him. I guess she thought maybe she could change him, and she wouldn't be the first idealistic women/man who imagined that. He was loving to us children though, I often sat on his lap until I was about 12 yo and he never minded.

I am sure my father showed little affection because of his childhood. His father died of a heart attack when he was four, followed by his older brother and sister and then his mother dying slow deaths due to TB by the time he was 13 years old. I think most people would be scared of showing affection if they'd been through such terrible trauma. In fact, I'm surprised dad was as sane as he was.

Clarinet60 · 21/02/2004 18:42

sex and everyday affection are different, but you do go through the same motions at the beginning, so they must know how to do it.

Suedonim, my early life was similarly tragic but it had no effect on me in that way. Perhaps that was just his way of dealing with it.

I was brought up by grandparents and that generation weren't demonstrative, but it hasn't made me follow suit.

I'm willing to concede that there may be psychological issues going on in some cases, but some of these DH's (mine included) have more selfish and lazy motivations, imo.

Pacific · 21/02/2004 20:13

In my DH's case it is definitely related to his upbringing. He went to an all boys school but his home life was dominated by a complete witch who was responsible for his upbringing. He therefore had no positive loving role models but is now left with this 'fear' of any adult women he gets close to. He also was brought up to regard sex as depraved and dirty. And yes, Droile, I was one of these pathetic women who thought I could change him......I rue the day. And like everyone else on this thread, he is very affectionate and loving to the children.....non sexual you see. So, I am stuck with it.

Like Horsish, nice house, lovely kids, no debt and we don't even argue anymore but that is because I have withdrawn from him....he has no power to provoke me anymore.

Horsish, if you are still reading this thread, I also get upset about it but I really do just try to count my blessings and not dwell on it too much.

Sorry, re-reading this sounds as if I am sorry for myself but really, I don't have such a bad life.

Evita · 21/02/2004 20:35

Just a question now to the various people who've said they are prepared to live 'without affection' because they have nice home etc. - how do you think your lives will be when the kids leave home? I'm not in any way being critical here, I have problems too, and sometimes I think it's ok to 'coast along' but then I get afraid that in the future when I'm too old to be able to change things much I may regret that decision.

Clarinet60 · 21/02/2004 21:33

evita, if things remain as they are at the moment, then when the kids leave home it's way-hey and away I go. I'm looking forward to it. In the meantime, I'm not prepared to live without affection and will find it elsewhere if things don't improve.

Pacific · 21/02/2004 22:39

Well, Evita, I probably will take off as soon as the kids are away.

I have already made some tentative plans......

Clarinet60 · 21/02/2004 22:53

Glad to hear it, Pacific. Sometimes I worry that you sound so resigned that part of you is dying.

Clarinet60 · 21/02/2004 22:54

My plans are awesome, LOL!

Pacific · 21/02/2004 23:18

Droile, now you have got me wondering.....

I have a few single girlfriends. We have made some wild but realistic plans for our retirements. A bit like 'The Golden Girls'.

However....only 20 years to go!

suedonim · 22/02/2004 01:40

Droile, I'm so sorry you lost your parents and siblings, that's so awful. I tend to think of these scenarios as being a bit Victorian, what with TB and all that, and it's scary to think it still happens in modern times. But I guess people deal with things in various ways and that's what makes us all different. I wonder if gender makes a difference, as well, women coping better than men with loss?

My dad was born in 1907, so he really did live in another era of Stiff Upper Lips, when you were expected to Just Get On With It. He said he couldn't remember any of his family at all, which I think was odd, as he was 13 when his mother died and he could remember the monkey he brought with him from S Africa at the age of four! Maybe his mind just blanked out the rest.

I also forgot to add that my dad was married previously. He and dw1 lost their first baby at one week old, I think with a kidney condition. They had two more children but dw1 wife then died very suddenly from endocarditis, leaving him alone with an almost 4yo and a 10 month old baby. If it wasn't for the fact it happened to my dad, I'd think I was reading Catherine Cookson novel.

Evita · 22/02/2004 21:40

Droile, care to divulge your plans?!

Original poster

horsish · 23/02/2004 00:44

gosh what a response.
I am very sorry I am not alone.
Pacific, the bit about not arguing, being past caring is true here too.
I suppose I ahve concluded the lack of affection IS down to lack of feeling from him to me. Lately I have been going out more, staying outr late - he does not mind(for which read care) one bit. I fear I may do something rash - not sure what. Does eseem jolly selfish of me to be so discontented over a perfectly good loyal husband, doesn't it? So why does it upset me so?

OP posts:

Clarinet60 · 23/02/2004 10:55

Evita, some I'm keeping close to my chest, but the main one is to live in lots of different places (a few months at a time), in the UK as well as abroad. 'Travelling', but not just on holiday, really living and working in each place.

Suedonim, sorry, I didn't lose siblings (I'm an only one) I lost my Dad at 4, then went to live with grandparents so was separated from my mum, then lost both grandparents (who had become like parents by then) at 18, then a boyfriend at 21...I won't go on, you get the picture.

Clarinet60 · 23/02/2004 10:59

Horsish, I don't think it's selfish of you. I have a lot to be thankful for too in terms of material things and health, but human beings have a need to be touched and to feel loved. You could write a book about the things my DH doesn't do wrong - he doesn't hit me, doesn't drink or smoke or gamble, etc etc, but..........you know what I mean. They have to make us feel valued and vice versa.

Actually, he has made some effort over the last couple of days, so I feel better. A little goes a long way.

Hope there is still hope out there for all you others on this thread too, my comrades!

Evita · 23/02/2004 12:19

Sorry to harp on about this but to go back to my other question about long term plans etc. Are you all v. young? If I wait until dd is grown up I'll be too old to do anything that exciting ...

Clarinet60 · 23/02/2004 12:53

I'm 39, Evita. I'll be in my fifties, which is certainly young enough, imo. If good health prevails, I don't intend to retire until I drop, so I will be working past 70 anyway. When I say working, I don't mean grafting at something I don't like - I love my current job and could do it anywhere. I do know people in their 50's and 60's who travel and work and are having a whale of a time with grown up children. I've always intended to let the boys come with me for the ride, if they want to. I may even base my first jaunts around suitable university towns, if they want to go that route.

btw, I was only with my father for 4 years, but I seem to have inherited his culture's (nigerian) total disregard for age as anything but a number. They didn't even celebrate their birthdays much where he came from, in fact his exact age is uncertain, that's how little it means!
Again, totally off-thread, but my 50 yr old friend has just begun to save up for her burial polt since 'she's old now, so it could be needed any time soon'. ffs!

Clarinet60 · 23/02/2004 13:03

burial plot, even.
btw, DH can come too if he's being decent enough by then. But either way, it's going to be my time, as he seems to be doing what he wants and dictating how and where we live atm. also btw, he doesn't know any of this. I've hinted that it's what I'd like to do, but I don't think he believes that I'm really going to do it anyway.

Evita · 24/02/2004 11:17

You're totally right of course, Droile, in that age doesn't matter much. I think I'm perhaps just feeling rather aged at the moment and can't imagine getting the impetus up to go off and do something in the future. Dd is still quite young, 17 months, I think yours are older? So I think when she's near pre-school / school age I'll start having at least a bit of time in the day to rethink my own future plans. At the moment I'm full time mom. I work 2 days and then look after dd solo for 5 days. No day off. In fact I've had 1 day off since she was born. Dire, isn't it?

Clarinet60 · 24/02/2004 12:10

DS1 is 4 years, DS2 is 21 months. I don't get a day off either. You beat me on the one day off since born though - I haven't even had that, unless you count the day I spent at a conference last year.

Evita · 24/02/2004 16:16

Oh, yes, a conference counts! My day off was spent doing ALL of our Christmas shopping for dp's family and mine. So I felt kind of cheated too. Had dreamt of a haircut, a massage, a movie.

But do you mean only 1 day off in 4 years?! In which case you win the gold medal.

Do you and dh spend weekends etc. together? Do you do 'family stuff'? I try really hard to persuade dp to spend at least some part of Saturday or Sunday with me but it ALWAYS fails.

Clarinet60 · 25/02/2004 11:34

Yes, 1 day off in 4 years. By day off, I mean without the children or work.

Yes, we spend every Sunday together as a family.

Evita · 25/02/2004 20:59

Ok, Droile, 1 day off in 4 years is pretty dire.

I'm working on dp to try to spend a weekend day or even just afternoon together. I'm telling him it's for the sake of dd (he wouldn't do it if I said it was for me!).

Clarinet60 · 25/02/2004 22:46

Now you can see why I'm barking, can't you?!

Evita · 27/02/2004 09:46

Actually I don't think you're barking at all. I think you seem remarkably sane! And you definitely deserve a holiday.

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