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Original poster

my dp's ex and her dd

34 replies

drpepper · 27/06/2006 01:08

just wanted some opinions on my situation ! my dp has two ds's with his ex, since their seperation she has had a dd with her new dp she thinks my dp should take her dd on holidays and the like her reason being that her dd will feel left out if his ds's go without her and his ds's will question why she cant go with them ! i also have a dd and although i have absolutely no problem with my dp's ds's and they are a huge part of his and our life i dont know if i would be happy babysitting my dp's ex's dd when she is not my dp's responsibility ! am i being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Alipiggie · 27/06/2006 01:10

I think she's being extremely cheeky to be honest. She's no blood relation to your dp or his ds's therefore should be excluded from the quality time that they're having with their father. Just my opinion though. Does sound rather as though she wants the time without kids though

Original poster
drpepper · 27/06/2006 01:13

my dp already agreed to have his ex's dp on new year as its his year to have the ds's and thought it would be ok for one night which i think is generous of him but holidays is a totally different matter ! although she did offer to pay lol !

OP posts:
Original poster
drpepper · 27/06/2006 01:14

that should be ex's dd sorry i am new and its all a bit confusing lol !!!

OP posts:
Alipiggie · 27/06/2006 01:17

Agree with you, one night is okay, but a whole holiday that's something else and so she should pay

VVVQV · 27/06/2006 01:23

I dont think its unfair to suggest she join in - she wont understand why she excluded from part of her "extended family". The ex should pay for her though, which i see she has offered to.

i understand that its alot to take on, but i dont see the benefit of excluding her, only the benefits to including her iykwim.

Family ties are really underrated IMO.

Original poster
drpepper · 27/06/2006 01:33

that makes sense but i dont see her offering to take my dd away with her and her kids surely its the same ! i wouldnt even ask her to !

OP posts:
airy · 27/06/2006 05:18

I'd maybe consider it if the offer was reciprocated when they were doing something as a family, like a holiday.
Her dd is their sister, as is yours so I don't think it's completely unreasonable for her to ask about it. Her dd may well feel very confused about why her brothers get a holiday and she doesn't.

Chloe55 · 27/06/2006 11:00

I could understand her reasoning if her dd was old enough to understand being left out etc, however, if she is not then I think the ex is being totally out of order. my dm would never have been expected to take my dad's other kids on our holidays and I did practically grow up with them too. Will you be expected to take her on every family event you go on, ffs? Sounds to me like an excuse for some time alone with her bloke. Maybe next time you suggest she take your dd with her on their holiday - same thing imo and presumably you wouldn't dream of doing this!!

coppertop · 27/06/2006 11:18

When we were children my half-sister used to regularly spend the day/weekend with her dad and his family. It never occurred to us to feel left out or jealous.

It might be a nice compromise to take the other dd with you on a day trip, for example, but I don't see why you should have to take her on holiday or for regular visits etc.

catsmother · 27/06/2006 11:26

I don't think it's drpepper's responsibility to take her skids' sister on holiday. If she wants to then fine, but if she doesn't she shouldn't feel guilty.

The implications of the new child possibly feeling left out while her older sibling go on holiday - or whatever - are something Mr drpepper's ex and her new DH should have considered before having her.

What happens if they go on to have more children ? Will Mr drpepper also be expected to include them too.

I have 2 children with different dads. I wouldn't dream of asking my ex to take my younger child away when he has the older one .... for a start my DD doesn't know him ! There's a big gap between my 2 anyway so it's not really an issue at all as DD is too young to understand. If however, she could understand, it would be MY responsibility to deal with any negative feelings she expressed and to explain the complicated family situation which meant that sometimes she didn't do things that DS did, and vice versa.

coppertop · 27/06/2006 11:28

Excellent post, Catsmother.

NomDePlume · 27/06/2006 11:30

My honest opinion ?

I think his ex is barking mad ! I'm a stepmum to 2 boys (60% residential) and myself and DH also have a bio DD (obv with us 100%). I cannot imagine asking/expecting/wanting DH's exwife to take my DD on holiday with her . DH's ex is currently pg with her and her new H's first baby together, again I cannot imagine a) her asking me to take the child on holiday or b)DH and I even considering it !

My DD is 3y10m and knows/accepts (to a degree) that her brothers sometimes go to XXXX's house and that XXXX is their Mummy. She also knows that they sometimes go on holiday with XXXX, without her, she has never considered it a problem.

NomDePlume · 27/06/2006 11:31

I think it is v weird and DH and I have a good relationship with his ex-wife.

wannaBe1974 · 27/06/2006 11:42

agree with previous posters - the woman is mad and way out of order.

My mil has a friend whose daughter by her second husband used to stay over at her first husband's house, and she and the first husband didn't even have kids together! now that is weird!

catsmother · 27/06/2006 11:51

Thanks coppertop !

I'm also a stepmum to 2 children. If we ever asked DP's ex to take my DD on holiday with her we would be told to F* Off, no question about it. His ex refers to my DD as "that" child - never by her name, and has repeatedly stated that ""that" child isn't the skids' sister" !!!!

I feel like saying "why's that then you silly cow, are you saying that DP isn't the father of xxx and xxx ?"

My 2 skids get to do lots of things that neither of my children enjoy. For example, they are going on holiday this year and we aren't. They also attend a plethora of "activities". It is inevitable in step-situations that at some point, some of the children in the extended family will be doing things the others aren't and my son (my daughter is too young) has never had any problem with it.

Chloe55 · 27/06/2006 11:59

I just think it is unatural - all the kids will get confused imo, what does your dp think about it?

Original poster
drpepper · 27/06/2006 12:14

i think he is ok with it ! in a recent conversation we had with some friends he said he had acquired a dd and wasnt refering to my dd !

OP posts:
FioFio · 27/06/2006 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chloe55 · 27/06/2006 12:19

I think that is a bit weird tbh. Do you think this woman has still got 'a hold' over him? If I was in your situ I would question why it is not an issue for him, maybe he is just a nice guy who doesn' want to hurt anyone's feelings but he should take a step back and consider yours.

muma3 · 27/06/2006 12:25

i have 3 dd's . i had my dd1 before i met my exh(dd2 d) and after we borke up i had another dd . my ex mil took dd1 with her when she had dd2 for a weekend . she didnt want her to feel left out as she had been part of her life for 31/2 years and wanted to continue contact.
now i have dd3 and when ex mil takes dd1 and dd2 she has been taking dd3 . i think that she is a blessing to me at the best of times but to take a child that isnt anything to do with her or her son is just lovely . it keeps all girls together and she tells me she finds it easier to have them all as they just play and get on as usual

its not such an odd question to ask . i would ask her to pay for her dd to do with you but i think your ex ds will appreiciate having everyone they love around .
HTH

crunchie · 27/06/2006 12:26

Personally I can see both sides. It might be nice to include the DD occasionally. However I think you should all sit down - face to face if you can and discuss it. Give her the opportunity to see both sides too.

Hell what do I know I am not a step mum, so please ignore me if you want

chocolatemummy · 27/06/2006 12:43

what a strange request, Personally my DH has a son from a past relationship and he sees him every other weekend and most christmases etc.
We have a daughter of our own and can barely afford as decent holiday for the three of us so we havent even taken his son with us, nevermind his ex's other child. he has lovely family holidays with his new family.
I think its important to be able to move on and let the children do the same. forcing together children from three of four diffent family units is crazy and so disruptive,
these days children who are in step familes often have to fit into their 'previous' unit ie Biological parents and all the memories etc that come with that, their current unit which is usually mum and mums new partner or husband and any brothers/sisters half or step, then quite often dad and his partner or wife and brothers/sisters etc
personally I grew up in a bio then step family and it was horribly confusing and felt very insecure, I had a full sister, then half sisters who were forced upon me and then dissapeared when the adults fell out etc and I am doing my very best not to subject my daughter to all this now.

muma3 · 28/06/2006 07:56

it works for us and we all get on , the children love it a christmas !!!!!!! i think its very normal nowadays to have a large extended family and if you can make it work and the kids are happy then go for it

chocolatemummy · 28/06/2006 21:07

yeah i know it works for some , I am just not one of them and shouldnt impress my opinions on other I guess. But I do think it can get very hard and confusing for little ones and Its not compulsory that they have to get on because we don't all get on do we

catsmother · 28/06/2006 21:51

I wanted to add as well .... if you do adopt the "not leaving anyone out" approach, where do you stop ? For example, would grandparents also be expected to treat and/or entertain new half-siblings they weren't related to ? If a child's been brought up to expect to do all that their half-siblings do, then wouldn't that cause problems in the extended family and create false expectations/disappointments.