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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends Partner made a pass at me.....

27 replies

Confused40 · 28/09/2013 21:14

Hi,
A friends partner made a pass at me and I'm unsure whether or not to say anything.... Part of me thinks I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I've seen that the third party can often be blamed. WWYD? Whats the correct way to support my friend without interfering. I feel awkward around the partner now....

OP posts:

MikeOxard · 28/09/2013 21:17

Say something. You feel awkward anyway, at least then you aren't keeping his dirty little secret! You haven't done anything wrong, but if you don't tell her then you are lying by omission really. X

SoleSource · 28/09/2013 21:18

My ex partner mad a pass at my friend. Eventually she told me and things were awkward but helped me to realise he was a scumbum and then I dumped him. I think you should tell her but be prepared for her to disbelieve you and side with her partner. I think it is the right thing to do.

Trigglesx · 28/09/2013 21:20

If it was my partner, I'd want to know. Wouldn't you?

InTheRedCorner · 28/09/2013 21:22

I told and lost my friend over it. I couldn't stand the way he looked at me like we had a dirty secret, I would have distanced myself because of him but told her what happened.

Original poster

Confused40 · 28/09/2013 21:36

Thanks for all your messages...
I'm in two minds whether or not to say anything.... I made it perfectly clear that I was not interested, but this is not the first time its happened.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 28/09/2013 21:40

Yes I think you have to tell her. If it's happened more than once he's not taking no for an answer and it's verging on sexual harrassment.

Original poster

Confused40 · 28/09/2013 21:45

Partner is same sex, not that that makes any difference...

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 28/09/2013 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 22:49

The messenger always gets shot.

Tell your partner, and blank the passer/tell them you're not interested, thanks.

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 22:55

So are you you saying you're a gay woman with friends in a same-sex relationship and one of them made a pass at you?

tallwivglasses · 29/09/2013 00:02

It doesn't make any difference in my book.

What kind of a pass, OP? I mean there's a bit of harmless banter or full-on suggestions of hotel rooms, Paris, etc

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/09/2013 02:54

I'm straight.
Not first time. First time I made it clear I wasn't interested. Second time was told I'm looking nice etc and I again rejected anything and reminded them I'm not interested and they have a partner.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2013 04:10

was told I'm looking nice etc What was the etc? Because someone saying you look nice does not a pass make.

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/09/2013 10:22

Pass was made first, and since its been the looks, words etc. I know this may sound trivial to some, but, I can see it causing a rift between my friend and I. As I said, third party always gets blamed.....
Tempted to walk away, really don't want the drama or judgement.

OP posts:

BoooWhoo · 29/09/2013 11:37

This happened to me. Started out with comments, Facebook messages, etc. I chose not to say anything, as I figured out she'd realise what he was like eventually and I didn't want to spoil the friendship. Didn't tell partner either as I didn't want him kicking off. I kept schtum, ignored him, blocked him on Facebook, it eventually stopped. They split up a while later as she found out he had cheated with another woman - as I predicted. I never told her even after they'd broke up, there was no need to further rub salt into the wound.

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/09/2013 12:10

Thanks. It's none of my business, but, I can see the hurt. Guess saying nothing is best....

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 29/09/2013 12:16

I'd tell.

But be prepared for the partner to tell their DP that it was you making a pass at them, they rejected you and now you're trying to cause trouble.

Lazyjaney · 29/09/2013 12:28

They will do exactly that. So why tell, then?

Lazyjaney · 29/09/2013 12:31

Thinking about it, in this case though, being lesbians the DPs story won't be so believable. But I'd still bet the OP will be unfriended.

honey86 · 29/09/2013 13:22

urrghh i had this not so long ago... a fat sweaty twunt whos kids go to the local school. started off as bragging about his accomplishments, that when he was in the army he got stabbed n he 'didnt even notice' cos hes immune to the pain etc etc etc.
then it was smiles n winks.
then it was 'liking' everything on my fb page.
then it was inboxes saying how fit i am, how hed love to see me in justa tshirt etc
messaged back saying i dont see him in that way n to shutup cos hes married. but he still kept on. so i told my oh at the time (who turned out to be outageously possessive).
he got crazy jealous n messaged him saying to stay away. then messaged his wife to tell her.

she now hates me probably cos he gave her some shit story bout how it was me or soomething. i now get filthy looks from practically half the married ladies at the school.

he deleted me from fb but carried on with his sleazy 'i still wouldnt say no' and now im pregnant wiv exes baby its 'grrr ive got a thing for pregnant women' so i blocked him and his wife cos clearly they have issues and i refuse to get dragged into their miserable marriage, as an 'ow' or otherwise.

hes a disgusting slimey slobbering sack of shit, he makes my skin crawl and now i literally walk across the playground in at least 100 yard radius of him to avoid him. but his wife dont see that and im still seen as the bad guy.

in your case id be the same, avoiding him, cutting off any kind of contact option from him. cos he'll lie to her. id only tell if it got to the point of harrassment. n then get a restraining order if he still continued.

VitoCorleone · 29/09/2013 13:26

Depends how close you are to your friend.

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 13:37

It depends on how unselfish you are and how much you care about her as a person, really.

I'm presuming you'd be telling her to warn her that her partner is looking at ways to hurt her, so that she can protect herself from harm?

The unselfish thing to do is to tell her- and run the risk of her withdrawing from your friendship, or having the sexual intent switched from her partner to you.

If you care about her more than you care about your own fears here (and none of those fears might happen anyway) then you do the right thing.

FoxyHarlow123 · 29/09/2013 14:50

This has happened to me a few times and I've said nothing every time. Ive just given the bloke the look of death and the cold shoulder and kept my distance. Some of the relationships have gone on, some have ended but Ive been of the keep-out-of-it school of thought.

Mojavewonderer · 29/09/2013 15:19

I've had this happen lots of times I'm afraid. I have actually called their bluff a few times too and while most would back off some wanted to go further whereupon I would laugh in their face and warn them to drop it or I would show the incriminating texts. I never said anything to the wives though because they never actually did anything even if they had wanted to.

Original poster

Confused40 · 29/09/2013 15:38

My heart goes out to my friend, as I can see the pain the r/s is causing her. She's told me they are going on a dv course so I really hope this helps and she listens. Her partner is a piece of work, but it's easy to judge. Just because I don't like how she's being treated doesn't mean I have to be self righteous and get involved.
Yes, I care about my friend. No, I don't want any come back. Call me selfish, but, I've offered advice before, and it didn't get me anywhere.

OP posts:

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