Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband always blames me

36 replies

cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:26

This probably sounds very trivial but at the moment i am fuming about it. it all started with me saying that we could put binliners up at dd's window to see if blocking out light helped her sleep longer. Then dd starts screaming and seems ot need to be fed/bathed/bed earlier than expected. i said to dh that we still needed to put up binliners before bedtime, so he starts "well if you'd said earlier, etc) I did say earlier( 2h ours earlier) and was quite happy to do it myslef or do the the feed while he put up binliners. he started shouting (in front of dd) and then left her undressed on the floor for me to do everything. Absolutley fuming, am i unreasonanle??

OP posts:
controlfreaky2 · 26/06/2006 20:27

nope. he is.

FioFio · 26/06/2006 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

acnebride · 26/06/2006 20:29

Sounds like you're both knackered TBH and more shorttempered than you otherwise would be. i don't think either of you is right or wrong, sorry.

could put binliners up later after she's asleep and you've both had a break?

otherwise other things are going on.

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:29

Not quite everything - he did come in while i was doing the feed to put the binliners up and has just been in to try to make up but i told him to go away. partly as so angry and also disn't want anymore excuses

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:31

yes i know they'll look crap !! Just an experiment before we get a blackout blind!!

OP posts:
SSSandy · 26/06/2006 20:39

Maybe he needs very explicit instructions? Like not "couldn't we put up binliners?" but "could you put some binliners up on dd's windows please"

Was he aware it wasn't just an idea but he was actually supposed to do it?

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:41

he thought it was a good idea but blamed me because he started doing something else earlier in the evening. I didn't see why there wasn't time to do both - the binliners took all of 5 minutes. he always seems to blames me and hates it when he shouts in front of dd. She'd been so calm today too

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:56

and aswell as this i rarely feel relaxed with him becuase he is often grup,y ans we often sleep separately becuase his snoring keeps me awake. Could deal with the snoring a bit bettter before we had dd but know i need every minute of sleep possible. what a happy relationship we have - not!

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 20:57

sorry, grumpy!

OP posts:
sandradee · 26/06/2006 21:15

Cheesehead, I don't know you or your situation but it does indeed sound like you are both really tired and stressed. Ever since we had DS last year my DH and I are always arguing. I am quick to blame him and he is quick to blame me. We both work Full time and are under quite a lot of stess both at work and home. Sometimes I feel like I am being squeezed at both ends.

I think it is a symptom of today's spociety - lots more stress and very little sleep + children = grumpy parents.

I don;t know what to say other than you are not alone

PS Black out blinds are really good - binlines / newspaper / what ever. The ONLY thing that Gina Ford seemed to give as good advice. Definitely put them up!!

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 21:31

Now we have the usual situation, he wants us to forget about what's been sai, i'm upset so want to talk about it and so it goes on. Just went in to see him and he refuses to talk about it as he thinks it's just "one of those things" and i feel alot more than that, so he has a go at me for "gpoing on about it". i can't relax with him al ot of the time, don't like him alot of the time, we rarely even sleep in the same bed, how we will ever have another baby is beyond me too

OP posts:
DevilsAdvocado · 26/06/2006 21:31

Am I the only one who doesn't have the benefit on black out blinds? I have the black out curtain liners and it's still bright in his room!!

1973magpie · 26/06/2006 21:35

Hi, sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I agree with what's already been said re: tired/stressed etc, and I am another one who thinks that blackout blinds (or binliners temporarily!) are an excellent idea

Also, I have read somewhere (and proved it to be right in my case at least), that if you want a man to do something that you ask of him, you should phrase it

'Would you put some binliners up at x's bedroom window before they go to bed please..'

and not use 'could' - apparently men think 'yes, I could...but not just yet/can't be ar@@d now/will do it at sometime in the future...'etc whereas using 'would' means you are asking him directly to do something.

Sorry, post was longer than I meant it to be, and might be a bit rambling!

HTH

sandradee · 26/06/2006 21:41

Cheesehead do you think you would benefit from relate? I know that sounds like the usual solution but we are thinking about going. I often dislike DH and sometimes I wonder why I married him. But I know that deep down we do love each other and that it's just the stress of life that is making us so unpleasant to each other.

I dont know about your DH but mine can be very irritating in turning things around to make it look like I'm the big bad ogre but he is better with words than I am. It often pisses me off that he is happy for me to apologise to him and he accepts my apology then says let's forget it. when all I want to do is talk about it and to have him aploogise.

What I have learned is that he hates any kind of crying and emotion and the more I get upset and want to talk about it, the more he gets all funny with me.

It;s hard to do but can you walk away for a while and then go back and talk to him when you are both in better moods?

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 22:42

we went for counselling last year - made a difference for a while. Then problem now is that i find it hard to think of things i like about h, as my opionion of him is so clouded by all the arguments and horrible things that have been said. We argued while i was pregnant too and it made me so stresed that my blood pressure went up and then after that dd's growth slowed down. No evidence that it was because of the high bp, but the thought is always there. Once when i got hysterical whilst pregnabt, we got worried that the stress could affect baby and then i couln't calm down he screamed at me "just go ahead and kill your baby then". I still hate him for those words...and many others

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 22:42

we went for counselling last year - made a difference for a while. Then problem now is that i find it hard to think of things i like about h, as my opionion of him is so clouded by all the arguments and horrible things that have been said. We argued while i was pregnant too and it made me so stresed that my blood pressure went up and then after that dd's growth slowed down. No evidence that it was because of the high bp, but the thought is always there. Once when i got hysterical whilst pregnabt, we got worried that the stress could affect baby and then i couln't calm down he screamed at me "just go ahead and kill your baby then". I still hate him for those words...and many others

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 22:49

he's just been in again to try to make up, this is after shouting at me again about 15 minutes ago. To him making up means just pretending it didn't happen, to me it means talking about it to understand why it happened - he won't talk and i won't just make up

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 23:03

Anyone there? Please help with advice as to what i should do

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 26/06/2006 23:06

Poor thing - i do understand you dp can be like this - how long have you been together?

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 23:08

6 years

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 26/06/2006 23:10

i think you need to try to talk your arguments through when you are not having them IYKWIM

In the day when things are good say - 'I am sorry about that bicker we had last night ...' and take it from there. In a loving way.
Dont worry about the not sleeping together - lots of couples do that when babies are on the scene!

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 23:13

he's gone off to bed know and i know he'll sleep all night and i'llbe awake all night as i never sleep after arguments. which is going to mean i feel awful tomorrow and makes it even harder to deal with dd (2 months old)all day - well it's easy when she's asleep, but playing with her and dealing with crying especially are so much harder when i feel so sad and exhausted too

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 23:16

it wouldn't be so bad if it was just a bicker, but he gets really angry ans shouts - i hate his shouting and worry about dd hearing it. i have told him this - but when he's angry he shouts, nothing i can do about it

OP posts:
NotAnOtter · 26/06/2006 23:17

i know - i think its a woman thing! I have learned to NOT let him sleep till we have talked an argument through.
Half your problem with an 8 week old first baby will be tiredness...you need to tell him to help with the nights.
Then you can be more calm and rational the next day.
I think some men get PND mine does!

Original poster
cheesehead · 26/06/2006 23:19

there'd be no point in insisting on talking before he wen to sleep, i'd just get shouted a t again. He does do some of the night feeds, and often takes over in the evening but now he's made me feel guilty about that as he brought it up in the argument. What do you think about what happened when i was pregnant?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread