Husband always blames me

[cheesehead]

This probably sounds very trivial but at the moment i am fuming about it. it all started with me saying that we could put binliners up at dd's window to see if blocking out light helped her sleep longer. Then dd starts screaming and seems ot need to be fed/bathed/bed earlier than expected. i said to dh that we still needed to put up binliners before bedtime, so he starts "well if you'd said earlier, etc) I did say earlier( 2h ours earlier) and was quite happy to do it myslef or do the the feed while he put up binliners. he started shouting (in front of dd) and then left her undressed on the floor for me to do everything. Absolutley fuming, am i unreasonanle??

Well he went off to work this morning, did bring me a cup of coffee before he went but i was trying to sleep. Not heard anything since, dreading what this evening will bring. Any advice anyone??

Not read the entire thread so sorry if I'm repeating what others have said. Don't think you are being unreasonable - but your DH will have heard what you said differently to what you meant.

I have found that if I want DH to do something then I need to say - Would you put up... rather than being more polite and saying Could you put up... he will hear the could you as a question and (probably answered in his head) rather than - this needs doing. Might be worth trying next time you want somthing like this doing?

i have tried asking him to stop shouting when he starts, but he actually seems unable to stop - even when i tell him he could wake baby or baby could hear - he just can't control himself, or ...he just tells me he's not shouting (just raising his voice, same thing!?) or tells me i'm shouting (which i rarely am) really am dreading him coming home later.

thanks for that - makes alot of sense. can't send him a text, so wondering what to do when he gets in. maybe he'll just ignore me but it's possible he won't. Think we both need a good sleep tonight (if dd lets me!!) so i know prolonging the bad feeling will make sleeping harder - got about an hour last night!

So he says he is not shouting and you think you are not shouting. sounds to me like you are both tired from the difficulty of having a new baby around.

You need to cut each other some slack.

How about instead of fearing the worse for when he gets home you give him a big hug and kiss and let him know you still love him.

Anniemac you talk a lot of sense. In fact you echo words that my friend has said to me about changing my attitude. You can change your own attitude and often it's how you are that makes people respond to you.

I see similarities in what Cheesehead says and feels - I have terrible rows with my DH and when I was PG I got very upset. Often with good reason but there were times when I blamed DH for how I was feeling - all my anxiety etc.

Cheesehead - are you a worrier and how do you deal with your stress? I'm terrible and I know that I tend to panic and that really sends DH into a complete spin - he hates it. Crying is the other thing he cannot deal with.

I'm also a shouter I'm afraid - and yes if you are a shouter (fishwife some might call it) I can't help myself but as a child I was not listened to and had to shout to get my voice heard. It's very immature and I know it is probably the worst thing about me - but try as I might I just end up shouting in a row. BUT DH does also shout and I do think you might think you are not shouting - but often you will do it without being aware of it.

It's so difficult these times - 50 years ago we had so much more support from our families and our roles as men and women in the parental role were more clearly defined as well.

But stick it out Cheesehead - it does sound like he still loves you and I think that it's so easy these days to say "that's it I'm walking away". What you need to try and do is find ways of talking about things when it is not in the heat of the moment - walk away if you have to to avoid the shouting. When DS does that to me it disarms me. He will refuse to talk to me so I have to calm down (also very irritating but it works)

Well we've tried to get on with things tonight and things a re a littel bit better. Tod him i got virtually no sleep last night and was dreading doing night feed - he has offerred to do it but i've said no as i think he will just use it against me in the next argument. Am i just being silly?

Yes I think you are being silly (you did ask). (-:

Your little one needs you at your best. Your DH is trying to help and you are still seeing the negative/predicting the next argument. If you get the sleep and are less tired you may be less likely to fight/argue.

Let him do the feed. Let him know how much you appreciate him doing this and that he loves you and your little one enough to do so. There are many men who cannot be bothered.

If you walk away next time you start arguing he cannot use it against you.

Just give the bloke a hug and let him know that you still lved him, little things go a long way.