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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In not wanting to face ow at school everyday? (Sorry long)

33 replies

Sowain · 28/09/2013 11:36

Bit of background, I am divorced from ex for 3 years, due to his violence,drinking and gambling. It was only after he left (kicked out)I found out he had been having an affair with his ex wife starting before our 3rd child was born. I also found out he had been gambling thousands secretly in stocks and shares lost everything. I have had to have house repossessed and still owe £100000. At the time of divorce my dad was helping me and the house was signed over to me with huge mortgage but I thought I could downsize until hs2 came along and devalued house and I had to have it repossessed as my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and has since died.
I am in a rented house in same small village kids at very small school. I have heard that he is moving her and her kids into his house which is fine, except the kids said they are looking at houses very close to me which would mean her children would be going to same school. I just don't think I can handle seeing her there everyday. They both have been such a destructive force in my life and they have a very entitled attitude. I am in a relationship but he is currently working abroad as I have so much debt that any future plans ie mortgage will fall on him as I can't have a mortgage again thanks to ex
I know what she's getting into as he has not changed, he fits profile of a sociopath. He bankrupted her and attacked her when they divorced!

I can live with her being there just not on my patch so to speak! I also have adhd/aspergers which does not help. I actually feel mentally scarred by ex and hate that to some extent he still controls my life through the children. Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 11:39

Should have said kids are under court order because of his behaviour. Also he is not allowed to take them to her house unless special occasion and two weeks notice and permission.

OP posts:

TheSeaPriestess · 28/09/2013 11:55

I would repost this in relationships OP. I don't blame you for not wanting to see them, but the only thing I can suggest is that you move away, as far as you can.

If you can't do that you need to completely detach from this somehow. He is a twat, you are well rid, and the OW is to be pitied.

specialsubject · 28/09/2013 11:59

this will happen until one of you moves away.

just ignore. She deserves pity - she is still in a relationship with him.

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:00

I have reported and ask to be moved!
Very difficult to detach as he is a good mind worker in the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:07

My fear of moving is that the kids will want to stay with him. He will sell it to them as not having to move schools and leave their pets etc. he has good access but will not discipline and lets them run riot (disney dad).

OP posts:

CupOCoffee · 28/09/2013 12:10

Can you be declared bankrupt to clear the 100000 debt?

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:16

If I was I would have no bank acc and my car would be taken

OP posts:

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 28/09/2013 12:17

You've been through so much. I hope it all works out.

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:19

I just hate the feeling of my decisions being linked to what he does

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Finola1step · 28/09/2013 12:23

Hi Sowain. So right now, there are no firm decisions. Is that right? Just because they are looking at houses close to you does not mean they will definitely move in closer to you. They might not get spaces at the school etc. You can not control any of this.

So focus on what you can control. Focus on your relationship with your children and your health. The stronger you are emotionally the better you will cope with your ex and his crap. Is there any scope for re looking at your court order? If he's not allowed to take the children to her house without your permission, does that change if they are living together? A chat with your solicitor might be useful. Take control of what is within your control and ignore all the other crap.

Cuddlydragon · 28/09/2013 12:29

OP. you could have a bank account just no overdraft. You might not also lose the car it really depends on what it's worth. Please take advice on that. Lots of insolvency practitioners will advise for free. Good luck. Sounds horrific.

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:30

Thats useful advice and yes nothing has actually happened. Its my adhd part that makes things feel like they are happening now and I get panicky!
I do worry about his influence and their poor moral standards being inflicted on the kids. I can't afford solicitor now my legal fees were £40000 due to his hiding everything and general nastiness my dad paid them so I am on my own now. It saddens me that my dad died seeing me in this position

OP posts:

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 12:37

I have four kids altogether and my first born ex's stepson would rather be with him as he is allowed to do what he wants there he is also adhd and is 17 so nothing I can do. He has no contact with own father do knows ex as dad.

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MNHQ

KateSMumsnet · 28/09/2013 16:56

Hullo - we've moved this to Relationships at the request of the OP.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 28/09/2013 17:02

You can still have a bank account and they are unlikely to take your car unless it's a posh one. If you have a banger, or you can argue that you need it - maybe for your employment or something, then they may not take it.

I was declared bankrupt after my business failed some years ago and they did not take my car, and I had a bank account that my DDs could come out of etc. Don't dismiss it. It can be a life saver if you've hit financial rock bottom and there's no way out. It's not an easy option, but sometimes things happen that are out of your control and it's not like you pissed money up a wall to find yourself like this.

CupOCoffee · 28/09/2013 19:04

I think you really should consider the bankruptcy as its a huge amount of money that could take the rest of your life to pay back.

Get were a smaller amount then ok but its huge!

Does the ex have a similar amount to pay off? This is the worst case of being financially fucked by an ex that I've ever heard of!

Mumsnut · 28/09/2013 19:11

How come you got left with the debt, and he still has a house and cash?

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 19:39

He is renting as well now. I had the house signed over to me before it was devalued by hs2 with intention of selling which would have cleared mortgage and left a bit. He was indemnified against paying any mortgage after that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 19:43

He will be doing cash jobs as well as working. He tells kids never to say anything to me. He is a nasty bastard but looks and behaves like family man in public. He is on dating and sex sites but she thinks he is changed man and I am evil ex wife

OP posts:

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 28/09/2013 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 19:55

I am thinking of moving away but know he will try to prevent through court. He is getting her there to reduce maintenance and try for 50/50. They have 3 grown up boys together and she has two more by 2nd marriage. My fear is the kids will want to stay with him as he will sell it to them. Have already nearly lost my eldest as he has easy time there and prefers it. Kids don't want to leave schools etc.
funnily enough when I was with him she moved to get away from him and he hardly saw his boys partly because he had new life and lost his licence dd fourth time.seeing the kids is all part of his 'decent guy' illusion.
He is even scout leader now how I don't know as has 4 aggravated dd bans,drunk disorderly assault, domestic violence and criminal damage on his crb.

OP posts:

Scarletpink · 28/09/2013 20:12

Sorry to hear of what you are going through.
I'm hs2 affected too does the compensation scheme not mean you can sell at hs2 unaffected value? Even if you are more than the statutory distance away (a measly 120metres) if there are extenuating circumstances, you can apply under the scheme and get full unaffected value.
HS2 is a complete nightmare.

CupOCoffee · 28/09/2013 20:16

Why don't you report him to the scouts. They might have no idea.

My violent ex is in charge of health and safety in a school

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 20:17

Its too late already been done, the line is about 600yds

OP posts:

Original poster

Sowain · 28/09/2013 20:22

I think they just see him as the trying hard single father. Such a cliche. Single dads are the dogs,single mothers are the dregs!
I always here he doesn't look the type to be violent( do they ever?)

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