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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so low 2 weeks on

43 replies

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 10:06

2 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair. We have 3 children under 5 including a newborn.

I confronted him and he told me everything.

It has been going on for 18 months. Mostly sexual texts and short phonecalls following a one night stand after meeting in a club 18 months ago he has slept with her once again a few weeks ago.

I feel broken.

I feel repulsed by him.

I feel my whole life is over.

I feel so angry I actually don't know what to do.

We start counselling next week.

I don't know how I am ever going to get over this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:15

You need some space to breathe, time to think and, for that to happen, he needs to step out and be by himself for a while. You're in a highly emotional state at the moment and the source of the pain is still looking at you over the breakfast table, expecting everything to carry on as normal..... it's cruel in the extreme. Don't rush to counselling until you have had time to sort out how you feel and - very important - what you want.

If you hadn't found out, he wouldn't have told you. Remember that.

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 11:43

Trying to find a rental for 6 months to clear my head.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 11:49

Good move but get him to leave while you do that. When you've been bitten by the dog, don't invite the dog to keep sharing your dinner....

Vivacia · 28/09/2013 11:51

What has he said he wants to happen?

What do you want to happen?

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 14:30

He has said he wants to repair our marriage and will do anything it takes... Everything he has said / done since that day indicate he does.

It's me - I just don't know if I can forgive & forget. Even if I want to.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/09/2013 14:42

I think the most important thing is to remember that you confronted him. He didn't come to you and confess. So if it wasn't for that he would probably be still having the affair. Given that it is difficult to completely believe his passion to make this work. If that is so, why not decide to do that before you found out and recommit?

I think you should trust your instincts on what you can deal with. It is much harder to get over than many people think. for a very long time.

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 14:46

So sorry you're going through this. It must be beyond tough with a newborn.

It's unfortunately very likely he is lying and minimising. Over the course of 18 months, it's very unlikely they had sex only twice, many moons apart. It's more likely that once sex happened, it continued until you found out.

I'd go to counselling on your own, but not with him. Try to switch that appointment to one just for you, or find another counsellor who isn't into restoring couple relationships.

tessa6 · 28/09/2013 14:54

I agree I'm afraid, OP. I don't want to further upset you but it's very unlikely he would tell the whole truth on discovery (almost NOBODY does) and the outline you give from him is not psychologically realistic or persuasive.

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 14:58

I have seen all the evidence (I hacked into his phone he didn't know I would be able to do this so everything was there for me to read / see) and from the evidence there is only evidence of 2 meetings....
I don't know what to believe though as the OW told me it happened 6 times but she is a liar and has lied about other things so could be trying to hurt me.
He has told me every detail of the affair.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/09/2013 15:07

Does it matter to you how many meetings there were?

Why do you think she would be trying to hurt you?

How do you know she has lied about other things?

What makes you certain he has told you every detail of the affair?

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 15:18

No it doesn't matter but it does matter if he is lying to me now.

She made all sorts of crap up that could not possibly be true as we have moved since they first met (she thought we were still living in the old house and based her lies on that).

Also stuff about where she thought I worked (I don't work there) which wasn't true.

He has answered every question I have asked with sickeningly honest answers. Answers that are uncomfortable for us both.

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tessa6 · 28/09/2013 15:24

Okay, well done on being angry, angry is good, I think!

Has there been any history of similar before in your relationship with him? Have you been suspicious of him regarding anyone else? Can you think of other examples where he has been selfish/entitled/compartmentalising or deceitful as a character trait?
How would you describe him otherwise?

What does he say about her now? What is the nature of the contact between them?

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 15:44

My guess is that he finished it with the OW as soon as you found out, discarded her like an old dish-rag and she's angry and wanting revenge. That's a normal, understandable reaction on her part but lord knows why women hit out at other women and tell them things to make them feel bad when the target ought to be the man. It's a bit different for you. Feeling anger towards her is fair enough, as long as you aren't more angry with her than him because that would be unfair.

The amount of meetings is probably nearer to 6 than 2 though, unless this was some massively long-distance thing and she's married too. Thing is, if he slept with her recently then even if he's telling the truth about the number of times, that shows it was heating up again and you'll never know how many more times it would have happened if he hadn't been busted.

Tessa's right. No-one tells the complete truth straight away.

Vivacia · 28/09/2013 15:54

It sounds as though you are doing your best to come to terms with this (one way or the other). Why don't you stay in the family home and have him move out in to the rental?

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 16:00

I agree that realistically, 6 times is more likely than 2 given the time-frame. Why would OW keep hang around for 18 months after they first had sex just for one more time? So she may be lying about some things and not others. Also your husband may have lied to her.

Of course your husband's instinct is to minimise in order to save your relationship, but he needs to understand that the only way to save it is to be thoroughly honest now.

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:42

He phoned her in front of me and told her he was disgusted at the way she spoke to him. He also text her saying it is over, was a huge mistake and never contact him again.

After that he changed his number.

No history of this (that I know of!) no...

How do I know he is not telling the truth though? He works shifts at work and so I know exactly when is is at work and due home. This is confirmed on his wage slips so really minimal chance to get away. Both times he slept with her I suspected something and they are confirmed in the messages I read so not sure how there could be more times but maybe I am kidding myself.

We can't afford mortgage and rent but I if I move out with the children I can claim housing benefit. Sad but true.

I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:43

It was an on off thing if that makes any difference. Sometimes they did not speak for 1/2/3 weeks at a time according to messages & phone bills.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 28/09/2013 16:49

"He was disgusted at the way she spoke to him..?"
That's weird. is that what you mean?

Sounds like you've been wise and sorted in addressing this. You're doing amazingly, OP.

Why does he say to you he did it? What excuses did he give himself at the time to give himself permission?

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:53

I spoke to her before I confronted him. She denied it even though I had all the messages and naked photos of her (idiot!) and she said some nasty stuff. He was disgusted at the way she spoke to me.
He denied nothing. Came clean immediately.

He says he doesn't know why but was in a dark place following the death of his mother, not accepting I was pregnant with our 3rd child but he does recognise there is no excuse.

I can't fault his behaviour since I found out but does that even mean anything? The damage is already done...

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 16:53

He told her he was disgusted at her for the way she spoke to him? Why?

If he gets sick pay, a day's sick here and there or a day's leave here and there won't show up on pay slips necessarily.

But whether it was twice or sixty times, it doesn't much matter. What's more relevant is that the last incident was recent and so it was heating up again, not cooling down. The way he treated her at the end sounds like he was demonising her for leading him astray. Or demonising her for her anger at being dropped like a stone when his nasty secret came out.

Beware of men who blame women for their own behaviour. I hope that doesn't turn to you at some stage.

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:55

Sorry I mean disgusted at the way she spoke to ME!

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FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 16:55

So he was disgusted at the way she spoke to you?

Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:57

No he doesn't get sick pay....

I have all his payslips and there is nothing suspicious.

I also know quite a lot of the people he works with so if he was sick someone would say "how is DH feeling?" abd he would be found out (small town life!)

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Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:57

Yes...

OP posts:
Original poster
weakestlink · 28/09/2013 16:58

He has out blame on her but not in the absence of blaming himself. He recognises there is no excuse for his behaviour and has said that many times.

OP posts: