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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling so low 2 weeks on

43 replies

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 10:06

2 weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair. We have 3 children under 5 including a newborn.

I confronted him and he told me everything.

It has been going on for 18 months. Mostly sexual texts and short phonecalls following a one night stand after meeting in a club 18 months ago he has slept with her once again a few weeks ago.

I feel broken.

I feel repulsed by him.

I feel my whole life is over.

I feel so angry I actually don't know what to do.

We start counselling next week.

I don't know how I am ever going to get over this.

OP posts:

tessa6 · 28/09/2013 16:59

The important thing now is to step back and stop thinking about him and think about you. A lot of people find themselves mired in the assumption that they should 'try' no matter what, for the kids or whatever. But bear in mind a very large number of people end up breaking up after one or two years because it is just so so hard to get over betrayal, for some people more than others. There is no qualitative difference between these people, they are just different.

For some people, once someone has betrayed them like this, they just know they are never going to be able to love them as they need to love someone again. The counselling, the jealousy, suspicion, anger flare ups, distance, revenge temptations, it's all a rollercoaster that lasts a good two years.

It is like dropping a bit of food on the floor: some people wouldn't even think about eating it, some people would check, blow the dust off and consider it, and some people would eat it immediately whatever. If you are the sort of person who looks at the situation and knows, deep in them, that even if they could forgive, even if they could work at it, they NOW DON'T REALLY WANT IT ANYWAY, then take time to listen to that voice. You might save yourself a couple of years of real heartache.

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 17:13

I'd go with the rental, make sure you protect your legal rights on the house and mortgage and make sure he looks after the kids and has them at your old house as much as possible.

I'd really rethink couples counselling this early. Go to counselling on your own though. You need to talk this through with someone who's not invested in you staying together and who is interested in you and you alone. Not him and not the relationship.

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 17:15

Surely he should be the one to leave, the OP's done nothing wrong...

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 17:24

Oh I agree. It's just she said she'd get housing benefit, although that seems odd to me when someone owns 50% of a house. I expect the person who isn't living with the kids wouldn't be entitled to benefit and as a family, they can't afford a fully-funded private rental.

Original poster

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 17:30

Our house is in negative equity. And is mortgaged in my DH's name only. I am hoping I would get housing benefit but not claimed before so not 100%. If I can't neither of us could afford to move out!

OP posts:

FrancescaBell · 28/09/2013 17:39

If you're married, it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage. Unless anything separate was drawn up when you married about ownership of the house, on marriage all assets are jointly owned. I don't know anything about housing benefit but it would seem odd to me if you could get it while owning 50% of a house, so it's worth looking into that first.

Original poster

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 17:49

Doing some research it would seem you may be right re housing benefit.

I wonder if I might speak to the council on Monday though as my name is not on the mortgage / deeds for this house and there is no equity in it.

OP posts:

Original poster

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 17:50

Maybe it's a sign I should stay put....!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 28/09/2013 18:05

It's a sign you need to register your home rights & get your name on the title deeds at the land registry

Original poster

weakestlink · 28/09/2013 18:25

I'm not sure that's a good idea as I don't want to be liable for the debt? If the house was sold at the moment we'd owe the bank money. Or am I already liable? Are all debts joint debt in marriage?

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Original poster

weakestlink · 10/10/2013 18:24

Right I've borrowed some money from a friend so one of us can move out temporarily...

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/10/2013 19:26

It should be him.

Mosman · 11/10/2013 03:12

He needs to go to a shitty bedsit to contemplate his new reality. If you then take him back the time spent out of the family home will give him time to reflect on what he nearly lost. Or he can just stay there indefinitely.
If you go and claim income support you will get the interest paid on the mortgage for a while until you're back in your feet.

Original poster

weakestlink · 11/10/2013 05:44

I get maternity allowance so I doubt I can claim I combe support.
He is going to move into a caravan for a bit. He has agreed and said it should be him not me to move out.
He says he will do anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

weakestlink · 11/10/2013 05:45

*income support

OP posts:

Wellwobbly · 11/10/2013 05:50

There are only two books I would recommend:

I don't love you any more by Dr David Clark (he has a website too)

How to help your spouse heal from an affair by Linda J Macdonald (she")

And HE not you, has to read them and explain what he has learned.

Lastly: if you get a counsellor that asks you how you failed to meet his needs or any shite like that? Get up and walk out, and change counsellor.

Original poster

weakestlink · 11/10/2013 17:41

I have ordered the books...

The counsellor is very neutral and we are working on the wider issues in our marriage that may have contributed to this fuckwittery...

I don't want him to move out anymore. Is that stupid? I'm up all night feeding the baby. I can't wake up at 6am with the 2yr old... I need his support. I need him here to answer my questions at 2am....

OP posts:

Original poster

weakestlink · 11/10/2013 17:45

Should say wider issues are his eg. Moving away from all his family and friends and death of a family member he has never accepted/grieved.
There has been no suggestion that I am to blame in any way. H has gone to great lengths to explain this was his mistake, madness etc and I had nothing to do with it... Hmm...

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