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Original poster

Partner gone on holiday with another man

42 replies

mttum · 28/09/2013 08:21

Ok. So I am a single dad, 56, with an 11 yo daughter. Partner ( who is not DD's mum has grown up children and is now looking to do the things she couldn't when her kids were young. One of these is sailing. She announced to me at the end of August that she was going on a two week sailing holiday in Greece with another guy, which is where she currently is (until Monday). She's been away with him before (4 years ago), and I have found out about "secret" dinners for two and at least one weekend away together shortly after that. She says she loves me. Am I being a fool believing her? Should I tell her not to bother coming back? I've hardly slept while she's been away and she's back on Monday. Half of me wants to welcome her with open arms and half of me wants to tell her to get lost.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 28/09/2013 08:24

Nobody is ever a fool to place trust in someone who is supposed to love them.

If you are not happy with this level of intimacy with another man, even if it goes no further than what you have found out, then tell her that. You don't have to wait for more information or get our opinion.

Dahlen · 28/09/2013 08:36

How long have you been together? Was the trip 4 years ago during your relationship or prior to it?

FellatioNelson · 28/09/2013 08:40

Is is possible that they are just great mates and that she keeps the dinners secret from you because you get all insecure and over-react. Can't really judge this one unless we know how long you've been together as Dahlen says.

On the other hand, if she is not married to you and does not have children with you, what has she got to gain by covering up an affair with a guys she's been close to for years? Surely if she was having a relationship with him she'd just leave? Confused

ohtobecleo · 28/09/2013 08:42

Have you met this other man? Are you included in their 'friendship'? If she's keeping the two of you apart I would be concerned and would request some clarity on the nature of their friendship.

FellatioNelson · 28/09/2013 08:43

And were you welcome to go along to the sailing holiday if you'd wanted to? Maybe you have no interest in sailing?

maddy68 · 28/09/2013 08:46

Hm tricky. My best friend is male and we go for dinner and have had holidays in the past Totally non sexual ! Is it that sort of relationship? Have you met him?
Tbh the alarm bells would be going off for me :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 08:46

Sorry.. I think you're being sold a line. Platonic friends can and do exist but secret dinners say that this is not platonic.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 08:50

And another thing.... whether anything dodgy is going on or not, you currently feel like shit. A healthy relationship shouldn't make you feel that way

gamerchick · 28/09/2013 08:50

If you were invited along then I would maybe discuss it when she gets back. But no way would I be happy with this situation.. not secret dinners thrown in as well.

Holidays doing something you love where it's relaxing and warm with somebody else can spark allsorts off. I wouldn't be happy and I'm damned sure my husband wouldn't be either.

Original poster
mttum · 28/09/2013 08:52

Thanks for comments so far. We've been together about 8 years, so the previous holiday was while we were together. I wasn't told about this one until a couple of weeks before. I'm not a sailor but would have liked to go but not asked, and tbh not an option with dd school. Apparently she did know this guy before we met. I'm probably being paranoid, but it's the secrecy I don't like. Maybe I am over reacting and that's why she's being secretive.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 09:00

You're not being paranoid, she's treating you like a fool. Trust your gut.

joanofarchitrave · 28/09/2013 09:02

'whether anything dodgy is going on or not, you currently feel like shit. A healthy relationship shouldn't make you feel that way'

This.

You are absolutely not 'overreacting' and don't accept this from her. This is your life and your relationship. I love DH to go and do things independently from me, and am always encouraging him to do so, but would be pretty Shock if he announced he was off on an expensive holiday with another woman at two weeks' notice, leaving me to do/sort out childcare! The secrecy re the dinners is also not on.

The usual advice is to make 'When X happens I feel like...' so for example, 'When I find out you're having secret dinners with someone else, I feel deceived' and 'When you make arrangements and announce them to me at short notice, I feel taken for granted'.

However, in your case I would also be asking 'Are you having an affair?'

TigerBabyyy · 28/09/2013 09:03

If she wants to do all the things she couldnt do when her children were dependant on her, then she needs to do it with a partner thats in the same position as her.

You are not in the same position as each other.

Its not right that she goes on holiday with another man, i wouldnt put up with it.

Theres plenty more fish in the sea.

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 09:04

Sun, sea, sailing and....... If they are on a flotilla or something with others on the boat then just maybe, if not then it will be more than the tide making the boat rock.

I think she's got to the life stage where she knows what she wants and doesn't see any great reason not to do it.

By all means welcome her back if you can handle her outside "interests", but if you can't then it's time to cast her adrift.

MissBattleaxe · 28/09/2013 09:07

I agree with Joanofarchitrave.

I also think that if you were a woman and she were a man we would all be saying "Leave the Bastard, he's taking the piss".

I've been with DH 8 years and if either of us were having secret dinners, weekends away or two week holidays with the opposite sex, then we wouldn't be married anymore.

Your OH doesn't seem to be considering you at all. Not one iota.The not inviting you? The not telling you until 2 weeks before? You are NFI and that's just offensive and disrespectful towards you.

madasa · 28/09/2013 09:10

If I did this I would find my DP gone when I returned and vice versa

eatmydust · 28/09/2013 09:18

The secrecy isn't good. Have you argued before about her friendship with this man? Maybe the secret meet ups are because she feels you are difficult and over react about the friendship.

I can understand that now her DCs are grown up she wants to travel and have experiences that she couldn't have when they were younger. You have responsibilities to your DD which need to take priority. I'm guessing this is the root of the problem - there is no reason why she shouldn't go on holiday without you, but you both need to be comfortable and honest about it.

I think she is probably just avoiding an argument with you, with all the secrecy rather than having a relationship with this man. Talk to her when she gets back, don't just finish it now. The secrecy does need to stop.

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 09:23

You don't "avoid an argument" by announcing to your OH you're buggering off sailing with another bloke in 2 weeks time and btw OH isn't invited.

I don't know of any couple where this wouldn't provoke a very major falling out, probably permanent.

trikken · 28/09/2013 09:28

I wouldn't like this either. It would be different if it was all out in the open and you all went places together. The way she is going about it doesnt sit well with me.

Meerka · 28/09/2013 09:33

I'm with Eatmydust. JUst wrote out a long post and then read hers, which put it perfectly :D

BIWI · 28/09/2013 09:33

Do you live together?

TBH, it's impossible to comment more without knowing more.

But the issue of women having platonic relationships with men (and vice versa) is a divisive one. Some people refuse to accept that they can happen. And some people get very unhappy about their partners seeing other men/women for this reason.

When you say 'secret dinners' what do you really mean? Was she deliberately concealing the fact that she was having dinner with this man, or were they occasions that you simply didn't know about?

I have a fair few male friends that I might have lunch with (occasionally dinner). Because I live with my DH, any evening out would be fairly obvious, and I would always tell him/he would always know, because it would be written in the family calendar! But if it was a lunch, he wouldn't necessarily know and, if he doesn't know the man in question, (i.e. it could be someone I work with/used to work with), then I wouldn't necessarily tell him either. But I wouldn't be trying to keep it a secret.

I can get that your partner is at a different stage of her life compared to you, in regard to parental responsibilities, but the most troubling thing about your OP is the lack of notice and consideration that she has shown you in telling you about this holiday.

I wouldn't, though, tell her not to come home. I would wait until she is back and then talk to her about your relationship and how she feels about you - and how this has made you feel. You could both be making wrong assumptions about each other and the relationship.

Lweji · 28/09/2013 09:34

I understand her point of view of doing things she never did, but not going off for 2 weeks without at least inviting you to go or discussing it with you.

It would be fitting to announce to her that you are taking a break in the relationship.

How has she behaved during these two weeks?

KouignAmann · 28/09/2013 09:35

I do lots of sailing without my DP because he gets sick. Many of the guys come without their wives too. Mostly it is all totally above board and fun.
But two weeks away is pushing it. Are they alone or in a fully crewed boat?
The important thing here is how you feel about it. My DP is chilled because the guys I sail with are a gay couple and he is always welcome.If he was upset I would reconsider.
Tell her and see what she says.

TheFallenNinja · 28/09/2013 09:38

I'm trying to imagine in what universe that this would be right and I can't.

Sorry, I agree with the your being made a mug lines.

MissBattleaxe · 28/09/2013 09:46

Maybe the secret meet ups are because she feels you are difficult and over react about the friendship.

Or another way of saying this is that she wants to get her own way regardless of her partner's feelings, so she just doesn't tell him.

Nasty.

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