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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner gone on holiday with another man

42 replies

mttum · 28/09/2013 08:21

Ok. So I am a single dad, 56, with an 11 yo daughter. Partner ( who is not DD's mum has grown up children and is now looking to do the things she couldn't when her kids were young. One of these is sailing. She announced to me at the end of August that she was going on a two week sailing holiday in Greece with another guy, which is where she currently is (until Monday). She's been away with him before (4 years ago), and I have found out about "secret" dinners for two and at least one weekend away together shortly after that. She says she loves me. Am I being a fool believing her? Should I tell her not to bother coming back? I've hardly slept while she's been away and she's back on Monday. Half of me wants to welcome her with open arms and half of me wants to tell her to get lost.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 09:49

Absolutely. The 'I had to lie to you because I knew you'd be annoyed if you knew the truth.....' line is no defence whatsoever.

forumdonkey · 28/09/2013 10:20

Your DP has obviously known this man a long time, what do you know about him? Is he single?

FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 10:27

Do you live together? I wouldn't be happy about this either and announcing the holiday to you as a fait accompli strongly suggests that she sees you more of a boyfriend figure than a DP. Whether or not there's anything going on, I think the two of you need to talk about your expectations of the relationship and of each other.

Dahlen · 28/09/2013 10:30

I think, on balance, that you should put your foot down about this and tell her it's time to choose. I have lots of male friends. I have spent weekends with them. There is absolutely nothing going on. However, unless my partner was prone to irrational bouts of jealousy, I can't imagine any scenario in which I would go away for a man who wasn't my partner for a whole two weeks unless my partner was 100% ok with it. I wouldn't expect a partner to be ok with it unless he was completely sure there was nothing going on, and to feel that he'd not only need to have an implicit trust in me but would probably need to know the other man too.

Original poster

mttum · 28/09/2013 12:10

Thanks all. To answer some of your questions:

She knew the guy before we met.
She is passionate (obsessed?) about sailing, and says that is the reason she's going.
It's one of those Sunsail holidays where there's a flotilla, not sure if she's sharing the boat with anyone else though.
The "dinner" thing; not sure if she kept it secret on purpose, she said not.
We did live together until last September, when we split up, got back together in August but not living together now.
I asked her to be more honest and upfront last time this happened and she said she would, but...
I've met the guy once, seemed likeable enough.

I admit I can be a bit jealous but I'm not obsessive and can see she needs to do the things she wants to do. I also don't think it's healthy to live in each others pockets all the time.

But this seems too much to me, and yes I am miserable

OP posts:

Meerka · 28/09/2013 12:17

hm, if you're not living together then I'm afraid I think you're in a weaker position. I think she should have told you, but equally you don't own her and while a faux pas, it's something to be annoyed about and not something to convict and hang her on.

it does need sorting out though, expecially if there was a 'last time' and she promised to be upfront. Equally, it would be tactful to say 'thanks for letting me know' and not make a major deal of it.

It's a bit of a pity if people can't be friends with someone of the opposite

notanyanymore · 28/09/2013 12:21

If you only got back together in august I'm guessing this was something planned and arranged before you got back together?

Xales · 28/09/2013 12:32

You deserve better. You don't deserve to be sitting around while someone has secret dinners. If there is nothing going on then tell your partner before arranging these things and talk through it. If a bloke announced to his female partner he was off in a fortnight for a holiday (when they were living together) we would say he was a selfish wanker. This is just what your partner did. She is a selfish wanker who is inconsiderate and has very little respect or care for you and your feelings.

How to make a partner paranoid? Have secrets about meeting other people. Then say they would get difficult if they knew. Self justification for shitty acts.

You don't live together any more. You split up for a year. I am sorry I think your relationship is dying.

I would say let this woman go on her sailing holidays and concentrate on your and your DC until you find someone more suited to you.

FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2013 12:34

I don't think there's anything going on between them, tbh. Sailing's obviously quite specialist and not everyone has the time, passion, expertise or cash to indulge that kind of hobby, so I do see why she would want to go with this friend. It's not like sailing off into the sunset together and from what you say, they're not even necessarily on the same boat. And I think if she had planned a romantic sailing trip with him, he would probably have had something to say about her getting back together with you (even if she did want to have cake and eat it)! Presumably the trip was arranged while you were on your break and she told you about it after you got back together, which isn't quite the same as presenting your partner with the fait accompli of having booked a holiday with another man...

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 13:04

Being apart until August, and still living apart, is a different story to your original one OP.

In that case there is a greater chance that her story is true, but i'd have thought she'd mention the holiday when you got together if it was already booked, if she was 100% committed to getting together again exclusively. Dropping it on you later rings alarm bells.

Re Flotillas - can they sail or do they have an inboard skipper, and do you know if they are sharing a cabin?

forumdonkey · 28/09/2013 13:13

If she wanted to be with this guy in any romantic way why didn't she get together with him when you split up? You have said she is obsessed with sailing and has got someone who shares that and enables her to enjoy her hobby. It is the kind of hobby you have to go away to do and can't do from home.

IMO if she wanted to be with this guy she would be. You don't live together and there is nothing stopping her being with this guy if she really wanted but it seems to me she wants to be with you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 13:29

Again... this really isn't about whether there's something going on or not. It's how you feel OP. If your partner makes you feel insecure, it's the wrong partner.

chateauferret · 28/09/2013 13:45

How happy would she be if during her holiday you invited a female friend to the house for dinner?

Lweji · 28/09/2013 14:33

So, you previously split up because she was secretive?

Why did you get back together?

LessMissAbs · 28/09/2013 15:26

I'd be more worried about the dinners than the holiday. But are they simply snacks after work?

Also, be careful of falling into thinking something is going on when it isn't. This has happened to a friend of mine, who was chased by a man she liked purely platonically as a friend. Nothing ever happened, but she agreed to go for dinner with him after work a couple of times.

Are you able to go on holidays with your partner?

Not every woman is attracted to men who want to spend time with them.

LessMissAbs · 28/09/2013 15:29

Oh right. Just read about it being a hobby they both share. This puts a different slant on it. If it was pre-booked, or you don't participate in sailing, are you actually expecting her to give up her hobby because you don't like her meeting men when she does it? I'm pretty sure you can't sail on your own.

KouignAmann · 28/09/2013 15:41

Oh you can MissAbs I often go singlehanded as my DP gets sick. He comes and joins me at the destination. But it is more fun and easier with a crew and she may not have her own boat.

Only the absent DP can tell us if this crewmate is a platonic friend or a shag partner. mttum needs to have the conversation with her and decide for himself whether he can cope with the lack of consideration of his feelings and the uncertainty.

That old standard "What do you get out of this relationship?" question needs answering OP. She sounds as though while you were apart she spent time with Sailing Guy. Were you "on a break" and free to date other people then? Or has she concealed the relationship because she knew you would be hurt? Why did she want to rekindle things with you?

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