Did I do the right thing? H's "porn addiction"

[BasicFish]

Regular lurker but nc'd as h knows my nickname. We have had problems with him lying before, but this is the final straw.
Found out that, despite always saying he was never interested in porn, never talked about women in front of me etc, that recently he's been watching porn 3 or 4 times a week up to two hours at a time. He works nigjt shifts so home in the day when i am working and our DSs are in childcare.
I found out, we talked about it, he said he was disgusted with himself and would stop. I found out that he hadn't stopped, just tried to hide it better. I found more, we talked, he was disgusted with himself etcetc..

Then last night i found more. At least an hour, more like 2, on 3 out of the 4 days he was alone. I am disgusted with him for what he looked at (upskirt schoolgirls, amongst many others, sick sick sickbastard)

I have confrontedhim, he says he's sick and thinks he has an addiction. That was so unbelievably hard and painful to hea. He has hidden that side of him so well (onlywanted very vanilla sex whereas i wanted more) i am just in shock.
We have only been communicating by text as he is at work. I feel sick, can't sleep. He says it's nothing to do with anything lacking in our sex life, he thinks my body is sexy, he thinks our sex life is amazing.. But he knows this hurts me and our marriage and he won't stop. He think it' addiction, i think he's just a selfish twat and have told him so. I have made it very clear to him how much his lies and disrespect have hurt me and damaged our.marriage. He is apologising, i have told him his "addiction" & lies have killed our marriage. Am i being too cruel?

I have taken down pictures of us together, replaced our wedding photo with a picture of a dinosaur, and prepared a suitcase for him with a note attached asking him to stay somewhere else.

I am just jurt beyond belief at the frequency, his lies, hearing him say he is addicted has just ripped my heart out. I hate him.

Have i done the right thing?

Boosterseat yy to absolutely everything you said.
This is not a happy place to be.

Don't feel lonely, and don't feel like you have to keep his activity a dirty little secret.

Do you have any RL you can confide in?

Being a partner means helping the other up when your on your knees yourself, you don't deserve any less.

I'd say that he needs to go and sulk somewhere else, you must learn that you can't get your support from this self absorbed man.He is making no moves to put this right so he has to go somewhere where he can face what hes done. How dare he sulk because you blocked his porn - idiot.
You are storing up a lifetime of hurt if you don't stay strong this time.x

He sounds like a sulking teenager who won't fight for you or your marriage. You need space

Going through what I think I'd the same problem, and it's killing me.. I'm angry at the person in turning into, constantly buying what I know are lies, and letting him get away with it over and over. I just don't know what to do anymore. Why should I have to block it in the tv, PC etc just to try and make him have a shred of respect for my feelings. Sick of the same apologies, same vicious circle. I came from a broken home and I'm sure he thinks he has me over a barrel because he knows I don't want the same for my kids. I don't want to be the bad guy, after always covering for him ad painting a pretty picture of our home life and relationship. ??

Meg89 It is not your job to police his usage

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

The only thing that will motivate him is loss, tell him to modify his behaviour or sling his disrespectful hook.

You don't have to tolerate it, it isn't something all men do and you do have a choice. Your kids wont hate you for wanting more for yourself love, I'd rather show my kids that i have standards and wont be lied to rather than stay with a liar for the sake of happy families.

You're not good enough for him - ??? WTF, it's the other way round love and you know it. You've made a big mistake by allowing him to minimise and mess with your head, tell him to leave, he can come back when he can prove to you that he won't keep acting like a dirty old pervert, to say this doesn't affect your marriage just goes to show how little he thinks of you, stand your ground otherwise this will just carry on once the dust has settled.

I just don't think it will ever change, and I'm drifting further and further away from the strong minded, takes no shit, person I used to be. I feel like its Groundhog Day every time we have this argument! and I'm fed up of trying to justify in my head what he says and does, when I shouldn't because ultimately it's making me so unhappy, and is wrong. I've told him I don't care what his views on porn etc are, the problem surely is that it makes me feel like shit and he knows that, and yet continues to hurt me. I don't think it's healthy, and think it's damaging.

Thank you for your reply boosterseat.. I feel like a weight has been lifted already, just knowing I'm not being unreasonable in feeling like this.

I don't think he's taking you seriously, he'll just think, here she goes, nag, nag, unless you actually take action then it won't change no. Nothing worse than having your feelings belittled or ignored.

Honestly, don't engage with him anymore, have time apart, maybe then he'll realise what he could lose.

I don't think it's healthy, and think it's damaging.

Yes it is, he doesn't care about you enough to stop lying.

Why stay with someone who prioritises their wank material over the feelings of their partner? Life is too short to come 2nd best.

Let me guess? He is lazy and unimaginative in bed? His orgasm is more important than yours?

Plenty of men out there Meg looking for someone to share an honest,fulfilling physical and emotional relationship, you don't have to put up with this.

All I'm doing now is thinking of more and more times that he was clearly lying but I bought his stupid made up shit and forced myself to forget about it... Problem is I never forget any of it, I could make a list as long as my arm. More fool me I guess!!

Oh and yes BOO clearly!!! The fact that the text I got earlier stated the reason being is that we haven't been sleeping together hardly ever... Yes why do you think that is moron!!!!

Nothing quite like discovering your lover is a lair and a porn loser to put your own fire out is there?

perhaps if he wasn't so sexually inadequate you may have been a little more enthusiastic? I know I couldn't get turned on by a bloke who wasn't interested in getting me off. Forgive me for being old fashioned but I like enthusiasm and effort from a sexual partner and being able to trust them is kind of a deal breaker too.

Im new here but just wanted to say I've been battling along in a marriage with lies and porn and its awful and painful and screws with your mind as you don't know what to believe. The worst part is that there is so little help for us partners. I've thought I was going mad at times and its left a great big whole in my self esteem.I wanted to leave but kids are too young There are some really good books though and i recently read about the need to "disassociate".

This cant fix your man but could help to cope with your own pain

Male on DWs. I ain't looking for medals but I've been married to DW for 29 years,3 kids,always been faithful,adore my wife and would sooner gouge my own eyes out than distress her in any way. I am also an occasional user of porn,maybe 1 or 2 times a week,we have bedroom antics maybe 2 or 3 times a week,if it were up to me it would be virtually every day but she ain't always in the mood so I get my release in other ways BUT in total openness she just rolls her eyes and thinks "men" with a sneer and that's the end of it,she doesn't give a shit what sites I've been on but if she wanted to know I would tell her no problem and if I thought for one nano-second that this was causing her a nano-ounce of hurt I would stop but to be honest I think she's glad of a bit of peace and quiet at least once a week by the way don't think she is some sort of doormat she is a professional woman she s fit (literally,she does triathlons) her favorite put down for me is "I knew when I first met you that you were a wanker" to which I have no answer but I know for a fact that the day when I met my DW was the day when I hit the f***g jackpot. Anyways it seems to me the problem here the problem here is not the porn but the lack of connection between the two of you,you need to re-connect somehow,get plenty of action going so he's got no mojo for the porno. Hope all works out well.

Zombie thread. Pendeen I'm sure mumsnetters can look forward to your wisdom on more 2 year old threads about porn in the near future. I can hardly wait.

No mojo for the porno.

Jesus wept.

But yeah, zombie.

He says he doesn't masturbate while watching it, ever.

Yeah, and every time I go to the pub, I just look at my pint on the bar; I never drink it - honest!

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

*a man will not look at porn or other women if he is still attrracted to you.
but after being together for some time when the passion wanes, some men may divert their attention to something else, porn, prostitution, affairs etc.

it is a good sign that he still can make love with you.
It is not good to let wife know he likes porn, so lying about this dont mean he is bad.

do you think generally he is a reliable and responsible guy?

Davidburn, dear me. Trolls on a Zombie thread this early in the morning?

Give. Me. Strength.
Poor men with their needs, pet lambs can't help it