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Original poster

Did I do the right thing? H's "porn addiction"

73 replies

BasicFish · 28/09/2013 06:28

Regular lurker but nc'd as h knows my nickname. We have had problems with him lying before, but this is the final straw.
Found out that, despite always saying he was never interested in porn, never talked about women in front of me etc, that recently he's been watching porn 3 or 4 times a week up to two hours at a time. He works nigjt shifts so home in the day when i am working and our DSs are in childcare.
I found out, we talked about it, he said he was disgusted with himself and would stop. I found out that he hadn't stopped, just tried to hide it better. I found more, we talked, he was disgusted with himself etcetc..

Then last night i found more. At least an hour, more like 2, on 3 out of the 4 days he was alone. I am disgusted with him for what he looked at (upskirt schoolgirls, amongst many others, sick sick sickbastard)

I have confrontedhim, he says he's sick and thinks he has an addiction. That was so unbelievably hard and painful to hea. He has hidden that side of him so well (onlywanted very vanilla sex whereas i wanted more) i am just in shock.
We have only been communicating by text as he is at work. I feel sick, can't sleep. He says it's nothing to do with anything lacking in our sex life, he thinks my body is sexy, he thinks our sex life is amazing.. But he knows this hurts me and our marriage and he won't stop. He think it' addiction, i think he's just a selfish twat and have told him so. I have made it very clear to him how much his lies and disrespect have hurt me and damaged our.marriage. He is apologising, i have told him his "addiction" & lies have killed our marriage. Am i being too cruel?

I have taken down pictures of us together, replaced our wedding photo with a picture of a dinosaur, and prepared a suitcase for him with a note attached asking him to stay somewhere else.

I am just jurt beyond belief at the frequency, his lies, hearing him say he is addicted has just ripped my heart out. I hate him.

Have i done the right thing?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 08:43

If you want to make sure you don't cave, share this with someone you trust IRL. Stay strong.

dhisawanker · 28/09/2013 08:44

Fucking porn

See my thread. It starts off with porn, then more porn then contact sites IME. STBXH even lost his job by downloading it. They do not care until they have lost everything.

anon2013 · 28/09/2013 08:45

Yeah you need support in RL too. Hope you have someone

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 28/09/2013 09:06

GOOD FOR YOU OP!

Stand your ground on this. He definitely has a problem: 4 times a week for hours? I think he needs to see someone.

What if the dcs stumbled upon it?

He really needs to think clearly now, he could lose his family over this shit trash.

Good luck

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/09/2013 10:38

Thanks.
Whats mind blowingly odd that a few minutes after looking at all of this crap he was searching for a replacement wedding rinng to buy me Sad
Head isall over the place.
Maybe i am just not enough for him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 10:45

If someone is greedy and selfish, if one is good, more must be better. A wife at home, a mistress in the next town, some online hookers for the weekends... why stop there? It's not that you're 'not enough'... he just doesn't have any self-restraint.

Boosterseat · 28/09/2013 14:29

BasicFish - you are enough, he is inadequate.

This is all his problem, and with all "addictions" there are 3 things you needs to remember.

You did not cause this
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Don't swallow his bullshit a moment longer and although it is desperately hard please don't take this as a personal thing, it really isn't. I'm my experience, those who use porn as an "escape" are usually insecure about themselves and their own sexual prowess. Let him wallow in this own self pity, cock in hand. There really isn't a sexually healthy man alive who prefers porn to an enthusiastic partner.

All the best my love.

YoniTime · 28/09/2013 14:46

I think you did the right thing OP, since he doesn't want to change.

replaced our wedding photo with a picture of a dinosaur
Nice! Grin

BelaLugosisShed · 28/09/2013 14:49

The effects of porn use on the brain are identical to heroin, it fries the "reward" centre of the brain but going cold turkey can quickly reverse the effects.
There is a documentary called your "brain on porn", it's shocking but very interesting.

ilovemylittlestars · 28/09/2013 17:20

My ex h used to watch porn and tell me he would/had stopped, he would be working later say 10am, so I would leave the house with dcs and the minute I left he was on there -caught him a few times only to be told not to sneak about - I would forget something and he was so absorbed didnt realise I was back, he used to watch it when I had gone to bed too and in the afternoons if he had a break from work. I hated it, he used to prefer it to me, would tell me that it was women like me he was looking at cause that makes it ok doesn't itHmm I think you have done the right thing

NotDead · 28/09/2013 18:19

damn right. if I found out my partner were reading life fantasy books, mills and boon or daydreaming in ANY way that was pleasurable withoyt regukar cindessions I would burn their letters in front of their face and humiliate them for lying about liking the real world. If they looked at porn, well they might as well be blaspheming in a church. burn the witch I say.

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/09/2013 19:22

NotDead I do always enjoy your ranty and bizarre contributions. Grin

OP posts:
YoniTime · 28/09/2013 20:26

Interesting comment. "Witch burning", the horrible execution with fire, was done mainly to "weird" or uppity women by men with the excuse that they were witches. Now you are comparing a woman leaving a porn addicted man - a man who spend a lot of his time consuming images of women being hurt and humiliated (basically the content of all mainstream porn today) to witch burning. It doesn't really feel logical.

Original poster
BasicFish · 28/09/2013 20:35

"She turned me into a newt!!"

"A newt?!"

"..I got better.."

OP posts:
Original poster
BasicFish · 29/09/2013 10:42

Really struggling today. Really really struggling.

Our whole relationship he has sworn blind that he's not interested in other women, he never looks at other women, he's not interested in porn.. and now suddenly he's been addicted since he was a teenager and he's hidden that through our whole 7 year relationship. I have no idea who he really is or what else he has lied about in our relationship. I would never ever ever have chosen to be with someone who thought they have a porn addiction, never. It disgusts me. He has taken away my choice about how I wanted my life to be, who I wanted my husband to be, and I feel disgusted with him.

He is hurting a lot too, but grumpy, defensive, refusing to talk properly.. He has researched a lot about porn addiction and says a lot of the signs match up for him. He says he doesn't use it because it turns him on, but because it gives him a kind of high. Although he did say that if he sees a semi-naked/bit sexy picture on a normal website it turns him on and he goes searching for more (bleaurgh/massive contradiction, surely). I put family controls on the computer, he found out and was really pissed off with me. Despite claiming that he really wants to give up. He says he doesn't mind porn being blocked (hah, really!) but it was blocking normal sites too (true fact, it tried to block Mumsnet this morning Shock )

What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm trying to remember that lots of men in a happy relationship use porn and trying not to overreact but the fact he has hidden this from me for our whole relationship is something I can't get over Sad I'm terrified about what else he's hiding. Is he a serial cheat as well, and hiding that?? He swears blind he's not, but swore blind about lots of other things that were a bare faced lie.

Why why why why WHY in the hell would you think it's ok to lie to someone about who they are so they would marry you and stay with you.. Why would someone happily fuck someone else's life up like that? Sad

OP posts:
anon2013 · 29/09/2013 13:37

Just ask him if he wants to stop. If he doesn't you have a clear idea of what you need to do going forward. It's addictive but not a drug, he has to stop or he's going to ruin everything if he hasn't already! Sad

Original poster
BasicFish · 29/09/2013 14:26

He says he wants to stop, so i suppose that's a positive thing.

New problem. Today I told hiim this has been a huge shock for me and i haven't handled it well, but i love him and know there are so many good things about him and i want tosupport him, but his reaction was just grunts and staring in the opposite direction. I asked him if he was ok, if i was annoying him, just got more grunts. I tried hugging him, no reaction. Explained that this had been a huge shock for me and i was trying not to blame myself but it was hard, and i needed a hug/some kindness. He just kind of shtugged me off and said it had taken all his energy to tell me and he didn't have any energy left to comfort me or check that i was ok

Shock Sad Angry

He's now really pissed offwith me for trying to talk to him, has called me a pain in the arse, when all i wastrying to do was say i loved him andwanted to support him, just neededa hug too.

Is that such a terrible thing to ask? He's hurt me so much again. How am i supposed to move on/help him if he's not prepared to show me any affection at all? This hurts so much.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 29/09/2013 14:33

He's sulking because you've taken his toy away. He's not acting like someone who genuinely cares about you, or who wants to make you happy. Sorry Sad

TheCrumpetQueen · 29/09/2013 14:38

You seem to have forgiven him quickly and he's sensed this and the tables have turned, he's taken back control by sulking and punishing YOU for his awfulness.

MissScatterbrain · 29/09/2013 14:39

What a terrible shock to realise he has been living a secret life all those years and that the marriage is based on lies and not honesty and openess Sad

Remember its so easy for them to say they want to stop but his actions are telling you a very different story.

You can't change him and really you have two options - accept him for what he really is or end the marriage Sad

TheCrumpetQueen · 29/09/2013 14:50

Is he going to seek help ?

Jagdkuh · 29/09/2013 14:56

Cognito has a worrying attitude regarding mental health. you refute any idea of addiction and have in the past suggested people with depression are 'grumpy pricks'. everytime a mh is raised, you ridicule it.

Boosterseat · 29/09/2013 15:45

he is sulking because you took his toy away

^This Op, this.

He thinks if he sulks and moans and treats you worse than before you will comprimise and he can go back to doing whatever the fuck he wants.

If DH ever pulled a stunt like that he would be out the house before I could remind him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

How dare he try to emotionally blackmail you. He is trying to remind you how much it means to him so you feel even worse then you will be much easier to manipulate.

Fuck that, grown ups don't get the pet lip on when someone is trying to talk to them and support them through "addiction".

so what if he is un-fucking-comfortable its time to face real life and he is not up to it.

ball is most definatley in your court, you're the only grown up in the relationship!

Original poster
BasicFish · 29/09/2013 16:30

This isn't unusual behaviour from him when we're fighting , no EI at all, won't discuss things, pushes me away then will apologise later. Any attempt to discuss this will turn into a fightas he won't engage.
He says that he's only recently realised its an addiction so he's really struggling to come to terms with it and the damage it has done. He has convinced himself that i hate him &will leave and literally blocked out what i was saying to him in the conversation in my previous post. His head is toofull of stuff to help me come to termswith it, despite me thonkong that in any decent marriage the hurterwould do anything to protect/comfort/help the hurtee..

Feeling very very lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
BasicFish · 29/09/2013 16:35

*thinking not thonkong. Clearly the rage has gone to my thumbs Smile

OP posts: