How to move on when its over

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Me and my OH have been having a lot if problems and we split up far few weeks ago but got back together quickly but spoke about what we both needed to change and how we knew it wouldn't happen over night but we had to work at it and now a few weeks later its over for good. I'm scared, I'm devastated, I love him. We've had bad times this last year but we've had alot of good times. I can't ge my head around he's not going to be here anymore and they'll be no more cuddling, kisses, laughing and being able to phone for a chat. He was my best friend! How do I deal with this?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You need legal advice. Don't move yourself and your children out until you've spoken to CAB or a lawyer. You're also going to need a lot of RL support from friends and family because it sounds like this one has decided he's going to be unreasonable from the off. Are you married?

[FarOverTheRainbow]

I can't speak to his parents because we don't get along at all and they will see this as getting one over on me. Ill have to move back to my DMs why I try and sort something out. There's a big bill due at the start of the moth so I want to leave before that so I'm not liable to pay it. He said I can stay there for a couple f weeks to try an sort something but I have to pay that bill and everything else, how he expects me to do this when I'm a SAHM and he's the wage earner I don't no.

I do have a lot of RL support but at the minute it still does t feel like it helps

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

I am doing ok most of the time but when he's nice I get really upset and had a big cry last night. Then he sets me back by not paying me out agrees maintenance tomo even tho he had several thousand pounds of our divided savings 3 weeks ago now he's got nothing to give me for our son and was shitty and full of attitude on the phone so now I'm back to feeling well shot of him!! How u doing far? Image holiday sounds good but u might find urself thinking what if dp was here. Maybe cancel and go away on a specific break for urself?

[FarOverTheRainbow]

I'm glad to hear your feeling shot on him horizontal and hope it lasts for you. I'm not doing to good. I feel like my head is a mess, I'm so angry with him, I'm devastated I have to leave my home, I'm scared of a future without him. Everything really. It's going to be so hard to move out but I'm trying to keep busy but I just want to cry but a crying mummy is no good for DD. I'm not going on the holiday he's cancelling it and keeping the money

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

Ergh just read the other posts what an arse hole throwing u out, I'm sure it will be a tough time but maybe a fresh start somewhere with ur dd will help in the long wrong. Def dont move out straight away e can't just chuck you and ur daughter out. I hope u can channel some rage to get through this hard stage. I'm rage filled at the moment thanks to his royal crappyness but also have really down times to thinking about what could have been! Bloody shitty poxy men!!

[FarOverTheRainbow]

That's what's hard to accept isn't it that what you had planned or thought your future was going to be isn't anymore. Through everything I still love him and want that life but I don't want to love him . I was tempted to refuse to go but I don't want to get stuck with loads of bills I can't pay either so I think maybe just making the break will help

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

Yes clean break sounds good, I live with my dad at the mo and dp has moved out. It's hard to think of next year as we had planned to by a house and have a sibling and now he doesn't give a shite about me! I still love him to but can see through his behaviour he's not the person I thought he was after all and doesn't deserve to know how upset I get any more. I'm sure once you get away from the house even if its to ur parents u can start thinking more clearly and there will be less memories everywhere

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't get this part about the big bills, sorry. If you have no income and you're not the home-owner are you saying you are the sole name on these bills... you're solely liable? Because if his name appears on the bill you can simply do nothing, refuse to pay and let the creditor sue him for the money.

[FarOverTheRainbow]

When I moved into the house it was just me and I worked in a fairly decent job and I done long hours so all the bills were in my name and when he moved in we just put all our money together but never changed the names on things so its still my name on everything. When I stopped working it was just his money going into the pot and that paid for everything, so all bills and tenancy is all in my name not his.

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Horizontal it's good you can now see through him. I'm dreading moving back home I had a good life and memories and leaving will feel so final even though I no it is already.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It cuts both ways. If the bills are in your name they are your bills. But if the tenancy is in your name your home is all yours as well. You really should have a session with CAB because I would be shocked if that didn't give you a lot of rights... regardless of who the landlord happens to be. Tell him you're going nowhere.

[FarOverTheRainbow]

But if they put the rent up I can't afford it. I'm going to have to claim benefits until I work out what I will/can do work wise and I don't want to get behind of things and have debt. I feel like its just nightmares every where I turn

[FarOverTheRainbow]

It's so hard to break the routine we were in, when he's at work I normally phone when I'm up with DD. I haven't spoke to him properly for days since before we split up and I miss him I hate feeling like this. I'm trying so hard to focus on DD but my mind wonders off and then I feel terrible for not being able to give her my complete attention

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you are the tenant (with a signed agreement) I don't think the landlord can just arbitrarily raise the rent that easily. CAB ... honestly, you need legal advice rather than guessing. Benefits are there precisely for people who need them... not lavish but you'll be claiming as a single person and, at the same time, your ex is financially responsible for your DD.

Run your new details through the benefits checker at //www.turn2us.org.uk and see how it pans out. You may find there is more help than you imagine

As for your DD... you're rebuilding her life so cut yourself some slack. I'm sure you do miss having a partner around but he's rejected you so you have to stay strong and keep your distance. Good luck

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Thanks cogito ill check that. Thank you for all help. He's phoned saying he needs me to go to the travel agent to sign forms with him to change the names over

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Tell him you're far too busy to fill in forms. Make his life difficult. In your shoes I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. :)

[FarOverTheRainbow]

I said ok on the phone but with hind sight I'm going to say I'm no busy and he'll have to fit in when I'm free

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Attagirl! :)

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Why is it that I manage to keep most thoughts out my head all day but when I try to sleep I can't get rid of them in tempted to tell him I'm going on this holiday and tell the travel agents that I'm going and under no circumstances will I be changing my name on any tickets but I think things will blow up then and I CBA but I really need a break. I've already lost everything else, some time out would be amazing

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The thoughts invade your head when you're trying to go to sleep because you're not actively thinking about something else. During the day when you're busy and doing things, your mind is occupied. If you have a clock radio with a sleep function, try putting it on talk radio for half an hour when you go to bed. Even if you're only half listening, it stops the thoughts crowding your mind.

On the tickets thing... stand your ground. Be inconvenient. Be difficult. Even take the view that if you don't go on the holiday, no-one goes.... let him sit looking at all that wasted money and know that it's all his own fault.

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

If you want to go on holiday then say that and refuse to give up ur ticket. If u just want to annoy him I wouldnt go down the stubborn road but that's just me. I'm trying my very hardest with me ex to try and take the high road even with him now suddenly having not a penny of his saving left to pay te child maintenance figure he agreed rrrrrraarr! Stupid men!

[FarOverTheRainbow]

I do want to go I think after how hard this year has been a break is so needed. I don't want arguments and problems but I'm being forced to leave my home, lose my holiday, he will expect to have everything in the house. I feel like abit of a push over doing elegant I'm told. He ended it and walked away but it's me that loses it all

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

Don't let him keep everything ur are entitled to stuff as well especially as u are housing dd. it's awful I know - I'm in the position of him ending it and he's just skipped off without a backward glance. Try and have a get away if u can even if its not the holiday u had planned.

[FarOverTheRainbow]

It's horrible being left isn't it horizontal? I keep thinking why this, why that, he says he loves me but....

I'm sick of my head being a mess. Sorting through things today and it breaks my heart. How can he just give up on all we have because of his poisonous mother? How can he not see that he's given her what she wants at the cost of all our happinesses.

One minute I think one thing and the next I can't stop crying. I think he's going to come back to the house late tonight even though I've told him I don't want him here until I move out, which seemed to shock him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He can't force you to do anything. I know you don't want arguments and problems but, if you stand up for yourself now, it's a kind of statement of intent how you are going to approach your new life going forward. Be assertive and you'll be proud of yourself. Keep going the 'elegant' route and your self-respect will suffer.