Stag weekends, nights away and trust!

[Ollybear]

Hi ladies.

I have nobody else to talk to about this so have plucked up the courage to post and hope you can all enlighten me. Sorry if this is long.

DP has a large circle of close friends. We are at an age where one by one they are getting engaged and married. We are engaged with a 1 yr old child (no wedding planned - plan is to do it abroad in a few years time). There seems to be a steady pace of around 4-5 stag trips or birthday nights away each year. Every time it causes a huge argument.

Firstly, can anyone explain strip clubs to me? As far as I know DP's friend's wives/girlfriends do not have an issue with this. They all appear to have very happy relationships and DP believes they are all OK with it. Your partner watches a naked woman in the flesh and potentially/most likely becomes sexually aroused by that - how is that OK when to do so alone in a hotel room would not be deemed acceptable??? Please, someone enlighten me.

Last night he told me his latest friend to get engaged has mentioned a festival next summer as the stag trip away. I told DP I wouldn't feel happy about that. Festivals are extremely sociable events. In all likelihood a group of good looking men would attract the attention of a group of girls and the two would mingle over the course of the weekend.

On a week to week basis I trust DP. He is a family man, committed to raising our child together and does not want a broken home. However, when drink is involved and when away from home I do believe there is every chance he would be flattered by the attention and would enjoy the excitement away from our mundane day to day. If there was no way I would find out (which I wouldn't) then yes, I think he would at least have a drunken snog if the opportunity presented itself.

How do I change my mindset?

Even if, in the future, I'm strong enough to pretend I have no problem with him going away, how do I prevent it from damaging our relationship anyway? - i.e I won't want to be physically affectionate/intimate with him for a long time after these trips because I feel very disconnected from him.

After last night's argument DP says he has had enough and cannot go through this one more time. He walked out the house this morning for work without seeing me or our child. It seems serious. I often think it would be far easier to be alone and not have to think of these issue. The bottom line is people cheat, a lot, it happens all the time. Many of my friends have cheated. Family members have cheated. This boards is filled with stories of cheating. I don't believe I'm being particularly irrational by thinking that DP may cheat!

How the hell do I change this mindset and repair the relationship???

It's bizarre to me too olly but I don't think it's any more "gay" than going to a strip club with your mates...

The way I saw it was DH's mates making up for not having a "real" stag do with strippers.

The whole stag and hen do thing is a bit of an outdated tradition isn't it?

It's amazed me that what was once a pub crawl or a night in a club has morphed into weekends or weeks away where the men are expected to visit sex clubs. At hen gatherings, spas seem to loom large. Either holiday would be have me running for the hills and like DH has over the years, I'd just have to say 'No'.

I find it depressing that some women seem to think the words 'No thank you' are an impossible feat for a man, either to the whole event or parts of it. Either those women are being manipulated by men advancing the old 'I Was Only Following Orders' defence when in truth, they were the main protagonists, or these men really are that weak and spineless.

It's been very refreshing to see some of the young marrieds we know doing away with this anachronistic tradition. Some have had mixed group celebrations (toasting several upcoming nuptials at once), some haven't bothered at all and others have cottoned on to the fact that it's not reasonable on anyone's budget or time to have so many weekends away in such a short space of time, so they've reverted to singular evenings out. Much less stressful on time and pockets and from what I've heard, much more enjoyable all round.

Having chatted to so many of them this summer, they take the piss out of these dinosaur sex tourists and find it incredible that it still goes on.

Sorry olly, I'm not sure if any of that was useful to you. As someone said before, either you trust him or you don't. Since he does things he knows you won't like and then lies about it I'm not sure why you would.

AF I'll be sure to let DH know about the latent homoeroticism . Maybe it will encourage him to speak up about things rather than just ignore them.

If you are seriously upset about him going away on a stag do then I think you have bigger problems in your relationship.

Well yes, she does.

She has a partner who lies to her, tells her it's her fault that he lies, tries to persuade her that she's negatively different to other women, uses up his leave and a lot of their money on these trips while she's at home looking after their baby- and goes to sex clubs.

Your partner watches a naked woman in the flesh and potentially/most likely becomes sexually aroused by that - how is that OK when to do so alone in a hotel room would not be deemed acceptable???

I dunno, OP, try this...

Tell him that, just for a laugh, you want to invite some of the neighbourhood men into your local one evening and give them all a lap dance, whilst he stays home to with the baby. And you want to pay them for the privilege. Then see if he still thinks it's just harmless fun?

I trust my husband not to cheat on weekends away with his mates but I am uncomfortable with strippers so he doesn't go on those type. I do think he would flirt a bit if someone approached him as he would be flattered, but that is it.

I do think he would like to experience a strip club but he knows I would be heart broken if he looked at a gyrating naked woman who was out to turn men on, so he doesn't go as he doesn't want to damage our marriage. He has had stick off his mates but he rises above it.

Strippers are a deal breaker for me.

I have to say, I feel for your dp. Imagine talking to your mates, but as soon as they start talking about going out, you know you're going to argue with your other half as soon as you mention it. Then you'll go but be faced with an angry, distant partner for days when you get home. All because you went out with your friends.

He's annoyed because he goes out, most likely with no intention of misbehaving at all, and you treat him like he cannot control himself. Even if he never puts a foot wrong, he will never be able to prove that to you so you will always suspect him. And thats not fair on him.

With the strippers, thats a personal matters. If you dont trust him not to cheat with a stripper, thats one thing. Objecting to them because of worry about them being vulnerable and exploited etc is something else. Its valid, but thats not the point you're raising with him.

From my own experience, I would like to add that I used to be like you. And i almost lost dh because of it. Our solution was to talk things through and come up with things that make it easier for the pair of us. He didnt want the rows - I wanted the reassurance. He used to text me let me know how things were going and who was there. As time has gone on, the trust has grown, but I had to work on this. When Im annoyed / insecure, i keep it to myself. Insecurity for no reason was MY problem, not his and it wasn't fair to take it out on him. The trust is solid now, to the point that we went on our stag / hen weekends at the same time and didnt talk to check on each other at all. And i was comfortable enough to accept a drink from a stranger - and he helped a hen complete a dare to dance with a stag. He told me this when we got home, and it felt fine. The honesty and trust feels so much better than the stress of always worrying where he is and what he's doing.

You and your dp have a child together. Surely staying together is worth enough that you sit down and have a proper, indepth conversation about your problems. Explain your issues without accusing him of anything. Then stop talking and listen to how he feels. Then come up with a plan, because what you're doing now is unfair and unhealthy for the pair of you.

PS i dont like the stripper thing either. DH saw one once, thinking I wouldnt mind. I told him I dont like it and explained why, he hasnt been to one since

hello Ollybear, would be lovely to hear what happened. Has are things with your relationship? Many thanks.

Listen OP, I am a man and there is nothing worse than a controlling partner to kill a relationship stone dead. It just slowly dies and then the other person says, fuck this, i need to get a life and leaves.

Your partner doesnt need to go to a music festival to cheat. It can take minutes to ease a womans panties down and have sex with her. That could happen anywhere,any time,so quickly. Cheating is in the mind, with intent. If there is no mindset or intent then you could surround your guy with half a dozen naked beauties who crave him and he would just say ,no thanks, i have my partner at home who i love and prefer to be with.

ZOMBIE THREAD.

If you can't trust him then why be together? If you were going on hen weekends would he trust you? He should be able to do things without you saying no or coming up with all these 'what if' situations. It's quite controlling and insecure behaviour. You withhold affection after he's been away almost as a punishment. It's not healthy.

I agree with you on the strip club point as I think it's seedy but if he's not given you a reason to mistrust I think it's you who has an issue and maybe needs to work through those. No wonder he's had enough

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Bloody hell! Op, i understand that you have a child etc..Relationships are build on trust, clearly you have some issues with this If he's never cheated or had form for, I fail to see the issue,?
I don't actually think this is about the strip clubs, i think it's more about your insecurity and your partner going away for the weekend then anything else.
Again, unless he had form for this, i don't personally see the problem. It's a bit of fun and is no different then girls having a stripper on their hen do's so why is it any different?
If this was the other way around and the tables were turned I'd be RUNNING for the hills from you and every other MNeter would be telling you the same thing, controlling etc, you don't have to put up with that etc.
I couldn't imagine restricting my partner from going out and enjoying himself.

You don't want to be know as 'that girlfriend' do you?

Oh I'm just going through this too. My fella is due to go away this march on a stag do abroad, and it's winding me up already. I will point out though that he has cheated on me in the past and been deceitful! We working through it all but I have such trust issues with hum now and don't know how to overcome them. I don't want to be a control freak or nag as I know that if anything would be more likely to push them away but I'm just so paranoid now, and the thought of him being away with lads all getting drunk and poss girls about doing same things could happen! And in my experience their mates or family don't seem to advise them not to, they turn a blind eye. I wish I could say just go have a nice time, but I know my mind is going to be imagining all sorts of things and it will drive me crazy. I want to trust him again but I'm struggling. ( the infidelity was 4 years ago but we broke up last Jan for a few months and he was deceitful and lied about things in this time apart) any advice welcome.

I do trust my DH however I wouldn’t be keen on him going on a stag do. For one The temptation of alcohol sends him bonkers and the other is that it’s never been the norm in our relationship so I’m not sure how I would handle it tbh! He goes away with work a lot so it’s not like he’s always by my side. It’s the whole stag thing.... group of men, one last night of freedom, alcohol. They are all hyped up and with strip clubs as the done thing it includes arousal, sexy mischief and bravado.
It’s never come up but that sort of traditional stag do is pathetic. Our friends have just had a small get together and it’s been about hanging out without having to add the sexual fantasies of strip clubs. I’m not sure why it’s needed and accepted. Just because it’s become the norm that many men want to promote this type of celebration to enable them to basically get away with almost crossing that line. Then in the group they all do it so it’s not a one time thing as it’s happening 4/5 times a year! It’s just cheeky. And while he probably won’t mess about they are all watching women in the flesh arouse them which is actually just odd. It’s like poking at the boundaries and getting a kick out of it.