Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

[OrmirianResurgam]

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now

What was the reason for him not going to IC? Did he do any reading (e,g Not Just Friends)? The cheater working on him/herself is a huge part of the post affair recovery process.

You do sound very sorted and strong. I so wish he is as sorted.

He read Shirley Glass and a little 'remorse for morons' guide called something like 'How to help your spouse heal after you kicked them in the teeth' and then we both read a book called something like 'How to improve you marriage without talking about it'. Lots of reading. I suspect he won't do IC because once he starts dredging up the silt inside his head he won't be able to stop. Lots of childhood issues (hey who hasn't?). Dad who shat on his family and continued to do so for years in different ways.

I'm guessing then that you didn't force the issue of individual counselling because you wanted to see if he would do it of his own volition and take responsibility for it?

You're allowed to make a judgement about the fact that he hasn't. You're certainly seeing the effects now of his decision not to do it.

Not to detract from the value of a personal therapist because by the sounds of it he would have been unable to do this without one, but the bigger picture was to look at himself. The counselling is merely the vehicle with which to do that. It's the most difficult, but illuminating part of restoring a marriage after an affair. Couples counselling and reading a few books (one of which is just awful) are relatively easy things to do, but like anything low effort, the rewards aren't as high.

Hello Orm

I have bugger all useful advice, but am another who's glad to hear you're feeling stronger. Perhaps it just takes longer to make a decision than you thought. After all, when you think you are in danger of losing something, it becomes all you want- once the dust settles, you can rationally decide if you really want it or not

Thanks all.

This has actually made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation. Really!

I am going for a run. With dog.

BTW I am on a bit of a mini high today - I submitted my first photo to the camera club monthly competion and it was judged by a professional photographer last night. I scored 14 out of 20 and I was about half way up the class of much more experienced photographers. V chuffed

BTW you lot are a breath of fresh air. Have spent far too long on a US-based relationship site reading about how MM are all really unhappy in their marriages when they have affairs because their wives are fat/harridans/sexless/ugly/have let themselves go and they only (the wives) have themselves to blame. And the OW is the love of their lives and MM only go back because of duty/money/the kids/the dog etc. It gets you down after a while . And how the OW is used and abused.

It's all too serious and obsessive - like a endless round of wailing Motown songs about lurrrve and longing. I keep feeling the urge to go in an offer cyber slaps to make them all grow up a bit.

Orm, I remember your initial threads. Full of pain. I can't believe it is so long ago.

WELL DONE on your photo.

A man who is 50 who says he would fall apart without you is either an immature idiot if it is true, God how does he get dressed in the morning?, or an arch manipulator who is making it YOUR responsibility where his life goes from here. I am fairly sure you have some bona fido children. Do you want another one that is overgrown and doesn't smell as nice?

Give us the name of one of these sites!

Hi Orm, nice to see you back although I wish it wasn't under stressful emotional circumstances! The simple way to look at this is to see how predictable he is at rationalising and romanticising. Simply put, you and he have stayed together and so it COULDN'T have been love. I'm not saying it was in the first place, seems doubtful, but I think he's just building a narrative that makes sense to him. When he was considering leaving it had to be a grand love affair to justify it, now he has left it behind it has to look small and unimportant in the rear view window. If they HAD been massively in love, and her DH such a terrible tyrant, and then he'd just buggered off back to you, what would that have made him? A villain and a coward.

His feelings and rewritings of feelings are nothing more than emotional frames for the most flattering view of himself.

It's a way to live I suppose.

Orm we're on pretty much the same timetable so I remember you well from last summer. Keep strong, keep sane and follow your heart.

That is brilliant about the photo, well done, I haven't an artistic bone in my body so always envy those who are talented.

Those bloody sites you have been reading sound utterly awful. Don't believe any of that shit.

I remember your utter raw pain last year, it was difficult to read. You sound so much stronger and almost philosophical now. You should be bloody well proud of yourself for what you have pulled yourself through.

Reading books can be helpful however they are only useful on the surface, he could read all the scenarios and think 'this wasn't me' and be somewhat distant to it.

I could read books about my mental health til the cows come home,it is only talking to someone and accepting it which has enabled me to move forward.

Orm, why the Holy Hell have you been hanging out on sites like those ?

Hey vivacia, try loveshack. Tis a cracker!! Particularly the Other man/woman forum. You begin to feel a bit like Alice through the looking glass after a while.

af - to try to get some insight I guess. Never been here before - I wondered what mindset allows this all to be OK. It certainly is an eye-opener.

Orm, if those sites are "helping" with your cognitive dissonance about the "prize" you won last year, fgs,, delete them from your consciousness....

Gav - yes, self help books are only useful if you intend to use these to work through your issues, by carrying out the suggested exercises and having discussions. Just reading will not do much to help.

As for those sites - I think you need to be desperate with very poor self esteem to think it is all ok.

Good to hear you're feeling better, Orm.

The mindset that allows it all to be ok is a selfish entitled one.
And it's not justifiable. Do you not think that sometimes married women find it all a bit hard or get fed up? It's not a gender exclusive feeling and most people don't have affairs because of it. The only person to blame is himself, as he made that choice. It doesn't actually matter how he was feeling/why he did it because it was not ok

Hope after this process of rebuilding etc you manage to leave him. He deserves less than nothing from you.

(Not having a pop at you by the way. Just can't believe a site like that exists. It must make it so much more painful for already hurt women. Grr. Hope you're feeling ok this morning )

Hi orc

I am feeling pretty good actually. In one way his little fantasy escape has done wonders for me. I have got off my arse and sorted myself out. It hurt like hell, for a long time, but it spurred me on to make things better for me. I was stuck in a familiar unchanging pit of depression, boredom and low self-esteem. Not there any more.

I've become semi-detached from H. I think I can carry on like this indefintely. We have nice sex, we take care of each other, we talk about things, we look after the kids together, we have a laugh, we do our seperate things nut we also make time to go out together. It is OK, really I enjoy my life. But I am not in love with him - that was knocked on the head by his actions. Stupid sod.

I ought to thank OW really. Perhaps I will

Have you told him that? That because of his actions you are not in love with him?

But orm, even if you are happy as you are please don't short change yourself. I know you have kids and a settled life and it's comfortable, but wouldn't you like to have that comfort and add to that someone who you are deeply in love with? I am more pragmatic than romantic but I couldn't and wouldn't go through years alongside someone I quite emphatically knew I didn't love dearly. And trust and respect.

Tomorrow you will wake up and you will be 62 and do you still want to be alongside someone you are not in love with? Plus do you think your calm and happy acceptance of this is going to last for years and years? I am sure it will corrode over time.

You sound incredibly together and sensible, and it's extraordinary that you can now wryly laugh at it, seeing how utterly devastated you were last year. But don't be too sensible to your detriment.

I reckon you should tell him you are not in love with him any more.

How do you think he would react?

That would be so ironic. :)

Oh, I realise I wasn't in love with the OW after all.

Interesting dear, I have also realised I'm not in love with you either.

Yes. Right back atcha, motherfucker.