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Original poster

Oh the irony! After 15 months he has realised that 'he didn't love her' after all

110 replies

OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 08:49

DDay June 2012. Much support (abrasive and otherwise) on here. He and I have been reconciling since then. We've had the usual rollercoaster. Been OK most of the time. First thing he said to when he confessed to the affair was 'I love her'. Ouch! But he loved me more and when it came to it he wasn't prepared to lose me in order to keep her. The 'I love her' niggled. A lot. Everyone who knows about the affair reckoned it was a MLC thing, a bit of an ego-boost, an infatuation (she was 25 to his 50 ffs!!) . H told me he loved her because she was 'worthy of love'. So I took him at his word. He loved her. OK. I had to deal with that.

15 months later he tells me out of the blue that he wonders if he ever really loved her, that it was just an ego-boost MLC type of thing.

I have been on a major self-esteem repair campaign since dday. I felt like an old dishrag, I have been working hard to make myself more confident, capable and less emotionally dependent. Now I don't give a stuff what he felt for her. It DOESN'T MATTER. 15 months ago it did but not now Hmm

OP posts:
TheOrcHeadKeeper · 25/09/2013 11:29

Also, he'd collapse without you? Well you collapsed because of what he did to you and had to rebuild yourself to get to where you are now. You owe the man less than nothing...

Original poster
OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 11:29

Looked at from the outside I wouldn't have stayed with him either. But the view is different from within.

Discovery on infidelty makes up fall apart a bit and that isn't a good place to make big decisions.
You want the familiar around you and he was the most familiar thing.
I kept looking back at the couple we were for years and years and not the couple we became just before the affair.
I blamed myself too because that's what I am best at Wink.
He made so much effort to make things better, to comfort me, he stopped seeing her etc so I was convinced that he wanted me and not her. He did everything I asked. I got seduced into thinking everything would be OK.

I forgot about the fact that I had a right to make decisions too. I was so busy fixing everything that I lost sight of the fact that not fixing things was also an option.

There is a part of me that think that as we've come so far we might as well stick with it.

I don't know. We'll see.

OP posts:
TheOrcHeadKeeper · 25/09/2013 11:31

I don't think this'll be the last hurdle you'll face with this idiot man though. Even if you can forget that he's not worth a tenth of you, your time or your love, he might do something equally selfish and damaging in the future andundo all the work you're talking about here. Why even risk it?

Cabrinha · 25/09/2013 11:35

Apologies for those unhelpful random posts - I was sat one phone!

Original poster
OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 11:36

LOL cabrinha! I wondered....

OP posts:
Badvoc · 25/09/2013 11:42

Perhaps you should stop blaming yourself and blame the person that caused the problem...him.
It sounds form what others have said that this is not the first issue you have had in this marriage.
Is there anything to save?
Are you so busy putting out fires that you haven't realised the building and foundation has gone?

CiderwithBuda · 25/09/2013 11:49

I thought it was quite insightful Cabrinha! I've certainly seen worse on here.

Hi Orm. I would be furious at that throwaway didn't love her after all comment. Bloody furious.

The pillock.

But. You chose to stay and work at it and you did and are. And as others have said you seem stronger. And nobody would judge you if you did leave him now. And he wouldn't fall apart really. Just wants you to think he would.

Has he tried a chiropractor for his shoulder? I go to a good one here in Taunton by the station.

Charbon · 25/09/2013 11:54

I remember your posts in the aftermath and recall that you were the one who was reading voraciously in an attempt to understand what had happened and why - and I think I commented that it's very understandable and normal for someone in your situation to do that. With the caveat of course that your husband was matching your efforts - and concern that if not, that process was perhaps mirroring the pre-affair state where you took control of your relationship and he was passive.

I don't see his latest admission in the same way as others. Maybe because this is the normal outcome after an affair of this nature, involving a man like your husband.

I may have recalled this wrongly and if so please forgive me, but I'd had the impression that your husband had a very strong internal view of himself as A Good Man. People like that have huge difficulty seeing an affair like this for what it was: an opportunity to have sex and romance with someone new, that might not come again. Because that clashes with their own view of themselves and seems tawdry and weak, they will often reframe it as a Grand Love Affair. I have often written about how 'Love' provides excuses for people to commit terrible acts against the ones they love or even complete strangers. That needs challenging because 'love' does not excuse, nor is it always real anyway.

After all this time, if he 'got' the above, had changed so that he could recognise these grandiose tendencies in himself and was better able to self-deprecate and say this wasn't love, that could be a useful platform for further discussions and learning as a couple. If he does not 'get' this however and none of this came out in counselling or through his reading, it's more worrying.

Original poster
OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 12:35

charbon - yes, I think your summing up of him is accurate. He did see it as a drama with H as the KISA and OW as the DID - complete with the fire-breathing dragon (OW's H). Not sure what role I played but he always said it was nothing to do with me anyway. Reality broke up their little drama but it has taken a while for him to see that is all it was - a soap opera not a Shakespearean tragedy. Idiot!

OP posts:
Charbon · 25/09/2013 12:49

Did his counselling uncover why he was attracted to a Romantic Idiot affair?

Or did you do couples counselling and if so, did that focus more heavily on your relationship?

I'm sorry I can't remember if he had counselling or not, but if it was couples counselling only I'm not in the least surprised it's taken this long for him to get it. What's more worrying though is that he is about 15 months off the pace in his development.

No wonder you're wondering 'what now?'

Original poster
OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 12:54

We had couples counselling. I had some IC, he didn't have his own. We concentrated on the affair and what it did to our marriage, but also how we got to the point where an affair was possible. It was helpful. But yes, I would have liked him to have some of his own.

OP posts:
Charbon · 25/09/2013 12:54

I also wanted to provide a different narrative for those who are saying that it would have been more worthwhile and understandable if this was 'love'.

I really think this view of 'love' needs challenging. It is no defence and it does not excuse. The OW probably made a similar bargain - it was acceptable to betray her own marriage and have an affair with a colleague because she 'loved deeply'.

These are smokescreens to cover up and justify often appalling behaviour. It is no more acceptable to hurt others because of love than it is hate.

Charbon · 25/09/2013 12:56

Oh he didn't have his own?

It sounds like the missing link in your recovery was him looking at himself as an individual. What a shame and a waste. That was the most important link.

LeGavrOrf · 25/09/2013 12:56

I remember you saying that he works in an environment with very few men, so he was the chief cockerel around whom lots of admiring women hens would look up to him.

And then he came home to a normal life with a normal marriage which was distinctly NOT 'oh you are such a Wonderful manly MAN doing a fantastic job' but rather 'so do you want to take the kids to football or start the dinner'

So his ego was boosted by all the flattery and attention I reckon.

Let him sort his own shoulder out. He has got a phone, he knows the procedure - call the GP and make an appointment. Not just say endlessly 'oh my shoulder hurts' and expect you (muggins) to make the appointment and chivvy him along.

bleedingheart · 25/09/2013 13:25

I remember your threads Orm, your bafflement and distress leapt off the page.
I seem to remember you had shown kindness and support to the OW pre-discovery as well.
I didn't think for a second that he loved her, it was pure KISA as you say.

He could have worked this out some time ago if he hadn't wanted to see himself as a good man who fell in love. He has hurt you so much and been so selfish. I think you are amazingly strong to stay and work at it.

LeGavrOrf · 25/09/2013 13:34

I wish he had gone to counselling on his own. It would have been a gesture in recognising that he needed to work independently to sort his issues out. Not feeling hard done by in the whole star crossed lovers bollocks.

WowOoo · 25/09/2013 13:43

Ormirian, I did wonder what the outcome of this was and how you were.
I'm only on here sporadically and thought I'd missed any updates.

I have no advice. It is up to you and you can take your time, as you say.

Do you think things have changed so much that it'll never be the same again? Do you still love him dearly?

WeAreSeven · 25/09/2013 13:48

Orm, you are worth ten of him.
Life isn't always as simple as LTB, I know that, but I have to almost sit on my hand not to type it!
You have been so strong and dignified throughout.

LeGavrOrf · 25/09/2013 13:51

No matter what happens in the future, you know that you have given 100% in trying to fix things. You have tried your absolute best and you should be bloody proud of yourself.

motherinferior · 25/09/2013 13:53

Oh, Orm, I am so glad you are happier.

I personally would biff him on the head

AnyFucker · 25/09/2013 14:06

That old saying "be careful what you wish for" ?

That.

Sorry, Orm.

Inertia · 25/09/2013 14:16

Sounds as though you weren't making his romantic drama the centre of attention anymore, so he's decided to dredge it all up again. Unless perhaps it's the precursor to something else (meeting up with her again to get 'closure', or another OW looming into view) and he's getting his groundwork in early?

When he said that he didn't love her after all, I'd have been tempted to respond that it'll make it even more of a waste of everyone's time if you decide to leave him anyway.

It sounds as if he's doing it to keep you on your toes somehow , or make it all about him as though only his feelings matter.

Hope th shoulder turns out to be nothing serious.

LeGavrOrf · 25/09/2013 14:17

I'm sorry orm, I can't imagine any of this is easy to read.

Original poster
OrmirianResurgam · 25/09/2013 14:34

It's none of it a great shock getorf. Nothing I hadn't really thought many times.

OP posts:
LeGavrOrf · 25/09/2013 14:39

I think though that you were right, you didn't decide to leave in a knee jerk way. Now you are a lot stronger and can look at what happened with a degree of distance.

The fact that he didn't deign to attend therapy for himself despite your wanting him to speaks volumes, I think.

And 'well I didn't love her anyway, fancy that' declaration must have felt like a massive kick in the teeth.

But - silver linings and all that crap, you are a LOT stronger. You know that if you decide to leave now you TRIED. And also you are not leaving when on a complete emotional roller coaster as you were last June.