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Original poster

DP and his divorce

48 replies

mamayaya · 24/09/2013 21:15

DP has been separated from his ex for 3 years. With me for 2.5 years. He has a daughter with xw and xw has moved to Edinburgh so he visits there to stay and sometimes brings her here (we're in Newcastle).

Have had some discussions recently. DP doesn't answer his phone or text v often when staying at xw's house. My impression is strongly that she'd like them to get back together. Also we've been talking about him moving permanently in with me (he rents a flat, never stays there).

I told him I need him to get a divorce and to start bringing dd here more often as I feel separate from that part of his life and really want to be more involved - I get on well with his dd. also I feel for me, I need a line drawn between him and xw. We have been talking about getting married etc. He promised me he would get this sorted.

Sooo bit ashamed of this part. I had a funny dream about him betraying me last night. This morning asked him about the divorce and how was going. He said fine and being sorted. I then looked at his phone and read a text to her saying 'it's totally not a priority. This all came about because of me being an idiot. Lots of love x'

I take this as a betrayal...and have told him to stay at his flat and give us both some time to work out priorities.

Feel that as he knows it's important to me when committing to him moving in that he shows some commitment too, he should be sorting this. To lie to me and say it was getting sorted whilst telling xw it isn't a priority, lots of love seems bad.

He has told me that he thinks I have majorly overreacted and need to get a grip.

Any thoughts?

We have been

OP posts:
Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 21:20

Will add there is quite a history of him lying to be about what doing with xw when there. Am feeling lonely and missing him but also thinking he doesn't really know what he wants and this is shit.

OP posts:
elliebellys · 24/09/2013 21:35

Honest answer.he,s got best of both worlds,why would he be in a rush to give that up.

Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 21:40

I think that is a fair comment. Sigh.

OP posts:
elliebellys · 24/09/2013 21:44

Iv been in same position,it aint nice.he,s playing the both of you.question is how long will you put up with it?

Bogeyface · 24/09/2013 21:53

What is his story about why the split?

Sounds to me like he cheated, she kicked him out and they are both hoping that they will get back together. I am afraid that he is probably also sleeping with her, and if he isnt, then chances are he has tried to.

StellarLights · 24/09/2013 22:00

He is wanting to have his cake and eat it.

Kick him to the kerb.

Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 22:01

Yes I don't know if can take it much more. I worry as I have ds and they have got close so feel guilty. Feel like crap mum. Plus I do love him.

Yes he did cheat and still feels guilty about it. It didn't work out with ow, I think it was an escape from his and xw's relationship not being in a great place. I'm being a fool aren't I. You don't tell your xw getting divorced is no priority, lots of love with a x when at the same time telling current partner it's going ahead no prob.

Again, sigh!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 24/09/2013 22:08

You know he is a liar, you know he is a cheat and you now know that he is spinning you a lovely long yarn about a divorce he clearly has no intention of getting.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

MariaLuna · 24/09/2013 22:08

Get rid and move on.

He's playing the both of you.

No good can come of it, so get out while the going is good.

Any man that thinks he can move into mine while not having dealt with his situation can fuck right off. It means he's using you.
And using you to bring his daughter to...

Don't fall for it.

Do you have DC of your own?

perfectstorm · 24/09/2013 22:17

I'm so sorry, but it sounds to me as if he is hoping they'll get back together, and you are the back-up plan/girlfriend for now. Fortunately it also sounds like he's underestimated you.

Sorry you've been hurt this way. Some people are arses. At least you found out earlier than his poor wife. Because I doubt that was his first betrayal - just the first time he got caught.

MariaLuna · 24/09/2013 22:17

Am feeling lonely and missing him

But that is no reason to hold onto a man who is basically using you.....

Better to find out why you put up with it...

A good counsellor can work wonders I had two sessions

Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 22:28

I know I need to break it off. I guess these are my worries:

  1. I am 35 and divorced. Will I be alone forever?
  2. On that note have already put ds through a divorce and he is used to dp. Is a split just going to harm him more?
  3. He has very plausible explanations for everything. He is seeing a therapist and tells me that his childhood and separation from his sense of self makes him afraid of hurting everyone and apathetic and tries to please everyone. I have previously forgiven a lot of crap as have felt sorry for him.
4 I guess I feel I see the 'him' underneath the crap.
  1. On a purely practical level (and I know how this sounds) he has given me a load of furniture he couldn't fit in his flat. Replacing it will be hard.

However I so feel this text he sent was a total betrayal and makes me think he has been feeding me crap.

Have told him this morning don't want to see him or communicate and need time apart and have stuck by it, have cancelled plans for mutual friends to come for dinner.

Feeling worried about the future.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 24/09/2013 22:38
  1. I am 35 and divorced. Will I be alone forever? would you really rather be with someone you don't trust and is stringing you along?
  2. On that note have already put ds through a divorce and he is used to dp. Is a split just going to harm him more? it is not his dad and he will move on quick enough change is fine if handled ok
  3. He has very plausible explanations for everything. He is seeing a therapist and tells me that his childhood and separation from his sense of self makes him afraid of hurting everyone and apathetic and tries to please everyone. I have previously forgiven a lot of crap as have felt sorry for him. of course he wants you to feel sorry for him, it keeps you were he wants you
4 I guess I feel I see the 'him' underneath the crap. he is not under the rap, he is the crap
  1. On a purely practical level (and I know how this sounds) he has given me a load of furniture he couldn't fit in his flat. Replacing it will be hard. tell him you will sort it out one piece at a time

However I so feel this text he sent was a total betrayal and makes me think he has been feeding me crap. sorry but he is feeding you crap, you know he is feeding you crap and you don't want to beleive he is feeding you crap as it is not nice to be feed crap

but believe me he is feeding you crap as he wants to get back with his wife and he really doesn't want to be alone

sorry Sad

Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 22:46

Wise words ivykaty... Just feels a bit crap to accept all of that instead of the dream he has been feeding me about a future. Hmmmm.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/09/2013 22:49

I am afraid you are the OW in his very current marriage. I think it really is as bald as that, sorry.

Cut your losses now. Being alone is waaaay better than being someone's second choice.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2013 22:52
  1. I am 35 and divorced. Will I be alone forever?
4 I guess I feel I see the 'him' underneath the crap
Original poster
mamayaya · 24/09/2013 22:58

This is all sensible.

When I have talked to him about situation with ex he makes me feel guilty as it's too far for his dd to travel so he has to stay there. He feels guilty for what he did to ex so tries to make her happy. His response to this morning was to say I had overreacted, and that he was getting a divorce but trying to make her not hate him.

I am starting to see this is balls. It just seems ridiculous - how have I ended up in this and I feel so bad to have put a temporary person in ds's life. He swore it was forever, etc.

I am divorced and I would never ever stay with my ex or say 'lots of love x' at the end of a text.

Feel have been treated like an idiot.

Looking at furniture online.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2013 23:03

OP I am divorced. I am on very amicable terms with my ex. I would not countenance staying with him. Even though he (and his lovely partner) might think it OK. The only time I put xx on the end of a text to him is
when it's to my youngest DC who doesn't have a phone and uses his to text me sometimes and I text them back

Just to give some perspective

rollermydisco · 24/09/2013 23:18

OP does his wife know about you? As in, are you totally sure she does?

Original poster
mamayaya · 25/09/2013 09:14

I would have said yes but I'm wondering if he has told her we have split up as his dd hasn't been to stay for 4 months now for various 'reasons ' that I'm now wondering if are excuses.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 09:34

That text shows that he is still in a relationship with her.

He is telling her that he doesn't want to get divorced and that the only reason it is an issue is because he made the mistake of cheating on her.

HerdyHerdwick · 25/09/2013 09:41

I agree with AF. That was my first response to your post. Have you posted about him before, quite some time ago? I hope it was someone different because I hate to think that this has been bothering you for so long.

I've also been divorced for 6 years . On very good terms with my ex. Like Bit I wouldn't dream of staying over with him, nor do I put "lots of love" on the end of my texts to him.

OP unless you have seen and heard for yourself, you don't know what goes on between him and his W. You don't know how the 'divorce' is progressing or not. You said he has a flat so I'm guessing none of his mail comes to your address? If it does, have you seen solicitor's letters etc?
How long has he allegedly been seeing the therapist?

Your reasons for staying with him aren't convincing enough to put up with this bullshit.

perfectstorm · 25/09/2013 09:41
  1. I am 35 and divorced. Will I be alone forever? Well, you will if you keep his bed warm over the next few years while he wheedles his way back into his ex-wife's home, yes. All the more reason to get out now, no?
  1. On that note have already put ds through a divorce and he is used to dp. Is a split just going to harm him more? This mess is your idea of a healthy example to set a young boy? A good model for relationships - his mum as temporary bed-warmer for a married man? Surely your son's best interests is one of the top reasons to cut this dead as soon as humanly possible?
  1. He has very plausible explanations for everything. He is seeing a therapist and tells me that his childhood and separation from his sense of self makes him afraid of hurting everyone and apathetic and tries to please everyone. I have previously forgiven a lot of crap as have felt sorry for him. Oh, he's good. He's managing to present his own fucking over of the women in his life as his being the victim, not the perpetrator? You know, there's a statute of limitations on using your childhood hurts as an excuse for treating others like shit. At some point, you have to put the big boy/girl pants on and deal. Believe me, I could beat him hollow in the My Childhood Was Crap stakes. There's a reason I'm no contact with my Papa and have a difficult relationship with my mother. Yet I'm a good wife and mum, and a good friend. It's not a reason to be a dipshit.

4 I guess I feel I see the 'him' underneath the crap. Of course you do, because he works hard at ensuring that. All abusers and players do. It's why otherwise intelligent women allow these men to walk all over them. It's listening to the words, rather than looking at the deeds.

  1. On a purely practical level (and I know how this sounds) he has given me a load of furniture he couldn't fit in his flat. Replacing it will be hard. Then do it one item at a time, via Freecycle, Ebay and IKEA. And actually if he can't fit it in his flat, he's either given it to you (so it's yours) or you are providing free storage (in which case, take your time to replace it or charge him a flipping fee.

Look, the reality is that you know he's bad news, but your emotions make it hard to walk away. And honestly, I don't think he needs therapy - he's got a setup that works nicely for him. I think you, though, might benefit a lot from talking to someone who helps you see the woods for the trees.

TalkativeJim · 25/09/2013 09:52

Simple one - get rid. He's worthless, and every single one of your worries are as nothing compared to living a resentful mess of a life with a HABITUAL LIAR AND A CHEAT.

Furniture - I second ebay and gumtree! Seriously, you are likely to get far better quality stuff for cheaper than buying MDF crap at inflated prices online. As for him wanting his stuff back - um, you are currently storing FOR FREE the hefty amount of furniture he cannot fit in his flat, right? So if he makes any fuss, you simply smile and say, fine, you can collect it all within 24 hours or I shall do whichever of the following you choose: a. consider it mine unless you pay storage charges of £x a week in advance when you collect, b. transport it to a charity shop or c. transport it to the nearest storage unit and give them your details to bill.

Easy peasy!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 25/09/2013 09:54

Telling him to stay away is the best way to handle this. Either he wants to be with you, properly, and get a divorce so that that can happen, or he doesn't and is stringing you along. So don't let him sit around being comfortable at your place in the meantime. Tell him not to contact you till he can show you the paperwork that says the divorce is going through.

Having seen your last post, I would also strongly suspect that he's told his ex it's over with you in the last few months. She's being a fool here because he has cheated on her once and it doesn't sound like he will change. You, however, can move on to better things if you let yourself.