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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP and his divorce

48 replies

mamayaya · 24/09/2013 21:15

DP has been separated from his ex for 3 years. With me for 2.5 years. He has a daughter with xw and xw has moved to Edinburgh so he visits there to stay and sometimes brings her here (we're in Newcastle).

Have had some discussions recently. DP doesn't answer his phone or text v often when staying at xw's house. My impression is strongly that she'd like them to get back together. Also we've been talking about him moving permanently in with me (he rents a flat, never stays there).

I told him I need him to get a divorce and to start bringing dd here more often as I feel separate from that part of his life and really want to be more involved - I get on well with his dd. also I feel for me, I need a line drawn between him and xw. We have been talking about getting married etc. He promised me he would get this sorted.

Sooo bit ashamed of this part. I had a funny dream about him betraying me last night. This morning asked him about the divorce and how was going. He said fine and being sorted. I then looked at his phone and read a text to her saying 'it's totally not a priority. This all came about because of me being an idiot. Lots of love x'

I take this as a betrayal...and have told him to stay at his flat and give us both some time to work out priorities.

Feel that as he knows it's important to me when committing to him moving in that he shows some commitment too, he should be sorting this. To lie to me and say it was getting sorted whilst telling xw it isn't a priority, lots of love seems bad.

He has told me that he thinks I have majorly overreacted and need to get a grip.

Any thoughts?

We have been

OP posts:

Original poster

mamayaya · 25/09/2013 20:11

Yes this is all true I think. Today he said the email was a 'throwaway comment' (?!) and that he only said 'lots of love' because he is content with the situation that they are getting divorced. Then told me he thought I was being mad and he was flabbergasted.

Whatever. Everyone on here is correct methinks. I told him not to even bother contacting me unless he actually had the divorce papers. I prob shouldn't even have said that but I think realistically it isn't going to happen!

It is bizarre though,he has just applied for another job here so I don't really get it - isn't looking to move by xw but then yes I guess he has best of both worlds and really I don't know what he is saying to her. He is not trustworthy.

Have just got a text from him saying I hope you and ds are well.

Off to do the ironing and then look on eBay and free cycle for the furniture I need! Do not feel there will be an easy time coming up as worried there will be a lot of fuss around the furniture and more lies. He asked me to give him 'one more chance' today. I said no. Hoping this strong feeling will carry on.

It is like one of the other posters said, i am normally fairly intelligent but seem to have a stupid button I press around men!

Thanks for help all.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/09/2013 22:00

Well done you. How fucking dare he call you "mad" ? Who does he think he is ? Let his wife have him...this guy thinks he is a Golden Prize, but really he is simply a Goose.

perfectstorm · 25/09/2013 22:03

Seconding AF.

He's messing with the wrong woman, isn't he. x

Original poster

mamayaya · 25/09/2013 22:46

Am resolutely not contacting him. Pr1ck.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamayaya · 27/09/2013 12:40

Have had loads of abuse thrown at me by him about things which I have done which are wrong. Really nasty stuff which I have not risen to but has been horrid. and he has told me that he is 'better than' a life living where I do (which is a nice leafy suburb!), that he doesn't want to see my dull mates or family and has some serious demands to make of me

Then today has contacted me asking me for some details he needs for the divorce application and has forgotten. I'm being played aren't i? I find it so hard to press send on the email reply I need to send to say just go away.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/09/2013 13:08

has some serious demands to make of me

Oh does he now?!

Well reply to his email:

"I am pleased to say that I only have one demand to make of you.

That you fuck off to far side of fuck, and when you get there fuck off a bit more.

Sort your divorce out yourself, wanker.

Kindest regards

Mamayaya"

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 13:14

" I'm being a fool aren't I. "

Yup.

ashleysilver · 27/09/2013 13:23

Don't reply to the email. Just don't.

He needs details from YOU to fill in the form for HIS divorce application? That's a lie.

Ezio · 27/09/2013 14:03

Ignore, silence is golden, drop this wankbadger and move on.

What could you possibly tell him about his divorce, hes just trying to get you to engage with him.

Ignore it, like all bad smells, they go eventually.

Xales · 27/09/2013 14:12

Then today has contacted me asking me for some details he needs for the divorce application and has forgotten. = approach A didn't work so he is now trying approach B to get you to engage oh and to drop in the subtle hint that the divorce is going ahead so he will be free for you now...

Continue to not to engage. In fact can you block him? He can find out the information some other way. It is not your responsibility.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:14

Walk away and don't look back.

Brrr.

You got together 6 months after his break up, which included "not working out" with the OW?
It seems that he can't live without company. Just let go.

Original poster

mamayaya · 27/09/2013 14:24

Have emailed him back to say I assume you are asking me this for the purpose of your divorce petition. There is no need to on my behalf as it is too late. The email you sent destroyed my trust and the barrage of abuse you sent me has been horrible. Let's just move on from this and sort stuff out and be calm, reasonable and dignified about it.

Honestly feel like I have been manipulated like an idiot!! The email and text abuse was awful. And yeah the 'hint' about the divorce - FGS.

If I get any more am going to reply saying I'm not engaging and we can talk in time about furniture. Now need to sort out the f@cking furniture which is stressing me out majorly!

OP posts:

Mojavewonderer · 27/09/2013 14:28

You were together 2.5 yrs and only now he's getting the divorce sorted. Hmmm op I think you have done the right thing. Hope you stick to your guns and steer clear of him.

Lweji · 27/09/2013 14:31

Surely there's no rush to sort out furniture.

I'd say at least 3 years?

Original poster

mamayaya · 27/09/2013 14:51

Yeah he asked me please just one more chance. I said no. He wants to pop round on Sunday afternoon to collect some stuff and discuss.

I said ok but thinking again as I'm not in a rush re furniture and don't want to discuss I think I need to take a harder line on this and say he can go on Saturday when I will be out and collect what he needs for the time being and leave his key....?

OP posts:

Xales · 27/09/2013 14:52

If I get any more am going to reply saying I'm not engaging No! Any reply is engaging.

Don't reply at all.

Unless you are wanting to.

Xales · 27/09/2013 14:52

X post.

Don't leave this man alone in your house!

Hegsy · 27/09/2013 14:56

Could you pack the stuff up he wants and get a friend be there to give him it and yu and DS go out?

Lweji · 27/09/2013 15:02

In your own time.
No rush.

ashleysilver · 27/09/2013 15:23

What hegsy said.

Oh and change locks if he has a key. You do not want this man in your home.

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 16:36

Don't meet him. He's clearly extremely manipulative and will try to talk you round. Best case scenario is he fails and is then so horrible to you you're devastated. Worst is he succeeds and you're back to square one and facing this nightmare all over again a few months down the tracks.

Maya Angelou said when someone tells you who they are, believe them. His actions and that barrage of abuse said all you need to know, let alone the I AM GETTING A DIVORCE! LOOK! addition. Pack up things he needs for now and leave them on the doorstep - tell him to collect them and that it's not convenient after all and you're out. Then block the email address. Honestly, no contact is the only way not to get sucked it - I speak from all-too-bitter experience in the past, believe me.

Please don't throw more years, tears and love after bad. He is no good for you... and potentially awful for your DS. You thought he might be bad news and he's now gone and amply proven it. Good for you for sussing him out so fast - his poor wife is in a rather worse position, it seems.

TalkativeJim · 27/09/2013 17:54

DO NOT LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!

At best, he will 'mistakenly' take stuff of yours...then play silly buggers before you can get it back in order to prevent you telling him to fuck off.

Change the locks right now if he has a key.

And the furniture - don't stress. Make it clear right now that you are very kindly not charging him for the immense amount of free storage you have provided, and make it clear that he will be picking up his stuff at your convenience, and when you have company.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 27/09/2013 18:23

Tell him Sunday is no longer convenient. Don't suggest any other time that is. And look into hiring a man with van to take his furniture back round to his - they're often not very expensive and it would save him coming anywhere near you.

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