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Original poster

Does this suggest to you that DP has low sex drive?

46 replies

Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:02

I'm about 12 weeks into a new relationship with a lovely man. Previous 10 year relationship was a disaster, it became EA and sex wise I didn't feel like it much because I totally lost any connection with him. As a result EXP became resentful that we weren't having as much sex as he wanted, and it did become a sticking point.

Sex with new DP was a revelation. He is loving, gentle and really seems to make my pleasure a priority. I think he has enjoyed it a lot too Blush.

This seems to have pushed my libido through the ceiling!! I would have sex with him every night given the chance but more recently it seems that he would prefer to have a few nights off. This is fine by me (of course), although it feels very strange to have a partner who doesn't feel like sex- probably because EXP wanted it all the time.

I am having to make a conscious effort not to feel rejected if DP doesn't want to have sex with me, mainly because even after therapy and freedom programme I do have a tendency to feel rejected easily because of my previous EA relationship.

So, last night he was tired and achey so I gave him a back massage. Lights were low, we used some oil and my main aim was to help him chill out but I admit that I thought it would lead to more intimacy. He enjoyed the massage, thanked me profusely and then announced he was exhausted and settled down to sleep. I was a bit gobsmacked TBH as I know if the tables were turned I would be driven pretty wild.......

Should I worry that this means he has a very low sex drive? In a way i feel appalled to be questioning him based on this as he is a lovely guy and we have had so much fun together over the past few weeks. I feel like I'm almost as bad as EXP!!!

Tell me I'm being silly please......

OP posts:
Jan45 · 24/09/2013 17:04

I don't think you are being silly at all, sorry, I think this would raise alarm bells with me too, 12 weeks, a sensual massage and he says thanks and wants to go to sleep, something not right there....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 17:11

I agree about 12 weeks being very early days for the 'not tonight Josephine' treatment, but are you saying you're together every night already?

Original poster
Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:16

Oh dear jan I was really hoping not to read that Sad.

cogito we aren't usually together every night, but this week we have spent most nights together. Had sex on Sunday evening (lovely), then this happened yesterday. He had told me he was exhausted, but I know that exhausted or not I wouldn't have been able to resist if the tables were turned.....

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 17:17

How old is he?

Original poster
Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:20

Late 30s cogito. Oh dear I thought this was too good to be true!!!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 24/09/2013 17:23

Maybe he's an old hand at the old shaggaroo and can actually control himself better than most but I'd be concerned if it was me, you both should be at it like rabbits, we were for the first 3 years and we met late 30s.

Original poster
Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:27

We had had quite a boozy weekend too, which he said had made him feel rubbish and anxious all day yesterday (so prior to this happening).

However, Saturday night was the most boozy and he still managed a session on Sunday night, so I'm not sure whether it was still affecting him yesterday or not.

OP posts:
Umicar · 24/09/2013 17:31

Bloody hell. Because he is a man, he must be constantly up for it or there is something wrong with him? Shock

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 17:31

I'd move along, I'm afraid. Seems that he views you as being there for his pleasure... sex if he's up to it, a massage if he isn't, listening to him whine about being hungover and anxious (wtf?) .... and isn't at all bothered about what you might want. To me that's a user.

Fairylea · 24/09/2013 17:34

Hmm. Mis matched sex drives more than him having a very low one. I admit I'd probably want to go to sleep after having a relaxing massage too!

Original poster
Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:38

cogito I have read many of your posts and know how insightful you are. But in this case I'm really not sure your right when you say he might be a user.

I am still getting to know him but so far he has been incredibly kind, thoughtful and considerate. He wants to know about and respects my views, he has listened to me and held me when EXP has made life difficult (we coparent our DD), he is generous in bed when we do have sex. I haven't broached the subject so he may not even have realised I was totally up for it.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Verycarefullythinking · 24/09/2013 17:42

Really fairy, that is encouraging. It is a horrible irony because I wouldn't say I had a high sex drive, i rarely wanted sex with EXP which made him furious but since meeting this man it's gone through the roof .

OP posts:
Awkwardsis · 24/09/2013 17:50

How on earth is he a user? If dp wanted to give me a massage after a hard day, fab. But for them to assume it would lead to sex isn't really on. He obviously feels comfortable enough to say no. I wouldn't want to be with someone who made me feel I had to be up for it every single day. Nothing here makes him sound like an arse. I think you're just not great with anything you can percive as a rejection. Which is understandable. But don't let your fears ruin what sounds like a good thing

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 18:00

The reason I say he's a user (OK.. bit strong but I stand by it) is that you say you massaged him to chill him out and calm him down. Job done he turned over and went to sleep. You say there was no sex but you don't mention any kind of reciprocation... .cuddle? offer to massage you in return? Nothing. Just strikes me as rather selfish

Awkwardsis · 24/09/2013 18:04

Nah I don't agree. If I give a massage (and I do, frequently!) I do it because dp will enjoy it. I expect absolutely nothing in return. I really don't think he was being unreasonable. He was tired and achey and op offered a massage. Job done, he says am you (profusely no less) and goes to sleep. I fail to see the problem.

AnyFucker · 24/09/2013 18:13

Depends if you are quality or a quantity kinda girl

You had sex on Sunday and are now reassessing your relationship because you didn't have sex on Monday ? Erk...

Getting a massage doesn't automatically make me want sex either. I relaxes me and makes me want to sleep. I rarely reciprocate (at the same session) because I am so relaxed I am semi conscious Smile

CoffeeAndScones · 24/09/2013 18:14

I think some are being a bit unfair on this guy. Sounds like they are having sex maybe 4/5 nights a week (when together) , very good sex too, and one night he had a massage and wanted to go to sleep?

VoiceofUnreason · 24/09/2013 18:38

Man doesn't want sex every night. Shock horror.

Man is tired, feels even more zonked out after a massage. Shock horror.

Dead God, I can't believe there are people - usually very wise people, too - suggesting you should leave him because you had sex on Sunday but didn't get it on Monday.

If a guy came on here making the same posting, you'd be baying for his blood at complaining he didn't get sex two nights running, especially after he'd given her a massage. Don't we normally say that it is important that intimacy can be JUST that - just a massage, just a cuddle, without it HAVING to lead to sex.

Sometimes it's like MN goes through the Twilight Zone, truly.

I think it's WAY too early to be certain of mismatched sex drives here, OP. But I think, from reading MN for the last year, most people would be very happy to have sex twice a week and there is some element of mismatch/compromise in a great number of relationships.

Fairylea · 24/09/2013 19:47

Totally agree with voice.

I do understand where you're coming from op. Rediscovering sex after a miserable previous relationship is like a bolt of lightening. I remember that feeling well! But I don't think this is anything to worry about yet. See how it goes. Plenty of time to get to know each other and see how it all works out.

Dahlen · 24/09/2013 20:18

I honestly can't make up my mind about this. In the context of a longer relationship, this would be perfectly normal and you would be a bit weird for over-thinking this. But in a 12-week-old relationship, I'll admit I do find it quite surprising.

AnyFucker · 24/09/2013 20:58

More info required ?

Do we need to see the weekly sex spreadsheet ? Smile

fluffyraggies · 24/09/2013 21:09

Was going to say the same as dahlen.

If the relationship was 8/9 months old then i'd say it sounded normal. ish.

But 12 weeks. That's less than 3 months.

DH an i were having sex every time we met, at least twice, at that point. Again late 30s.

fluffyraggies · 24/09/2013 21:10

and we met 5/6 times a week.

BeCool · 25/09/2013 01:01

Im usually knackered on a Monday night after a busy weekend. Post massage I'd be doing exactly the same as your fella .... Zzzzzzzzz

I wouldn't write him off just yet.

weddingballs · 25/09/2013 01:08

I agree with voice 100%

And bully for you if you were doing 8 times a night for the first 25 years... Not everyone is.

OP - see what happens.