Does this suggest to you that DP has low sex drive?

[Verycarefullythinking]

I'm about 12 weeks into a new relationship with a lovely man. Previous 10 year relationship was a disaster, it became EA and sex wise I didn't feel like it much because I totally lost any connection with him. As a result EXP became resentful that we weren't having as much sex as he wanted, and it did become a sticking point.

Sex with new DP was a revelation. He is loving, gentle and really seems to make my pleasure a priority. I think he has enjoyed it a lot too .

This seems to have pushed my libido through the ceiling!! I would have sex with him every night given the chance but more recently it seems that he would prefer to have a few nights off. This is fine by me (of course), although it feels very strange to have a partner who doesn't feel like sex- probably because EXP wanted it all the time.

I am having to make a conscious effort not to feel rejected if DP doesn't want to have sex with me, mainly because even after therapy and freedom programme I do have a tendency to feel rejected easily because of my previous EA relationship.

So, last night he was tired and achey so I gave him a back massage. Lights were low, we used some oil and my main aim was to help him chill out but I admit that I thought it would lead to more intimacy. He enjoyed the massage, thanked me profusely and then announced he was exhausted and settled down to sleep. I was a bit gobsmacked TBH as I know if the tables were turned I would be driven pretty wild.......

Should I worry that this means he has a very low sex drive? In a way i feel appalled to be questioning him based on this as he is a lovely guy and we have had so much fun together over the past few weeks. I feel like I'm almost as bad as EXP!!!

Tell me I'm being silly please......

I think the posters shrieking about sexism are way off the mark; this is about it being the honeymoon period where you shag like rutting monkeys. I'd be a bit discomfited too.

But, as with most things in life, a proper chat should throw some light on it. If you can rub body parts, you can talk, right?

let's imagine this thread the other way around shall we?

"me and dp have been together for about three months. Sex between us is usually fantastic, but the other night I came home and was really tired after a drunken weekend and a hard day at work. DP gave me a massage, got oils out etc and it made me feel really relaxed, I was exhausted and so I turned over and went to sleep. This morning dp seemed a little quiet so I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was disappointed because he hoped it would lead too sex. I just wanted to get a good night's sleep."

How do people suppose that would pan out...?

I agree that in new relationships there is often a lot of sex. However wanting to go to sleep isn't a crime or a red flag you know, people are perfectly entitled to go to bed without having to have sex. In fact there is IMO a lot to be said for the intimacy of just being together and then falling asleep together without the need to perform on demand... even in those first months.

It's still probably a good idea to talk about it though- if only to say that you feel a bit insecure and would appreciate some reassurance. It should lead not a discussion about how you both see your sex life developing, and how important that aspect of things is to you both.

Splinters in my bum, too!

I second (third) the caveat about turning into your ex, so to speak. Apart from anything else, you've just remembered you like sex after a very long & miserable phase of disliking it. Think back to when you first found out you liked sex - how long did it last? Six months, twelve, eighteen? Anyway, you got used to it after a while, didn't you, and found that being tired or worried could dampen your libido after all. This will happen again (sorry!) so don't get your knickers in a twist about being the Most Libidinous Woman Of All Time Nice while it lasts, of course ...

So, what's your boyfriend's relationship history? Is it remotely possible that he's never had cause to doubt, fear, revere or test his libido? I gather people who've generally had good relationships, with themselves and with others, can be perfectly at ease with it :) Lucky them.

That said, a 12-week relationship is usually a bit of a shagfest, so I'm keeping one bumcheek on the side of "Don't go investing too much of yourself in this just yet." Which would be sound advice under any circumstances.

I've got a medium-sized ramble wanting to come out, about women (in particular) placing too much of their self-worth on their sexual value. It's a bit of a complicated ramble, and I may well be projecting. I've just posted the into, in case it rings any of your bells.

Sounds like you give a great massage! Can you come over, I'm sleeping badly

posted the intro*, and other typos.

Plus, of course, if you're close enough to share bodily fluids, then you're close enough to talk about this, aren't you?

men are entitled to feel tired too you know.....

honey moon period or not - you say he is considerate and loving - you dont say you are not getting enough.

to move on over this would be stupid imo.....jesus if my DH were to move on because of me being knackered he would have left me years ago.

it doesnt mean he has a low sex drive.
it means that you have discovered sex and are a bit rampant - he maybe isnt quite as in need in the bedroom dept as you are because he has had more stable relationships - you say you were in an EA relationship - no wonder your sex drive has been awakened by a considerate loving fella - but to ditch him over one refusal?
i think you would be mad.
stick with it a while and see how things pan out - what have you got to lose?

All good points, Vicar.

You had sex on Sunday and are now reassessing your relationship because you didn't have sex on Monday ?

I am having to make a conscious effort not to feel rejected if DP doesn't want to have sex with me,

I feel like I'm almost as bad as EXP!!!

Well, sorry but....yes. Remember how pressured you felt, and how it put you off doing it even more?

Although I think after twelve weeks if someone suddenly keeps saying they are busy/tired all the time and avoiding sexual intimacy then the problem might be deeper than just a low sex drive. I'm afraid to say he may be preparing to move on.

Talk to him about it.

I agree with Cogito, sorry!

This will come and bite you in the long run, when he starts doing it every night. Please come back in 3-6 months to update. I would love to eat my words...

Furthermore, I wouldn't go down the 'talk about it' route. Men start feeling that you nag and are even more put off. Play hard to get and make him work for his sex. He should be giving you the massage at this early stage, not you. Sexist as it is, haha, the fact of the matter is we are men and women and wired completely differently. So no place for comparison. Women talk, men act. In this case - his (in)actions speak VOLUMES.

Good grief, Val, was that enough sexist generalisation or would you like to go on about how to keep 'men' guessing and drive 'them' mad with desire?

Talking about it doesn't have to mean whining "why don't you want to roger meeee?!" you know. It could mean asking "Am I coming on a bit strong in the bedroom?" for instance.

Excuse me, garlic, but when you develop the ability to grow a penis, THEN we can talk about real and actual equality. Nature has created us different and it is foolish to talk about 'sexism'. Is it sexist when I say that you have breasts and men can never have natural breasts? Is this a generalisation? Gosh!
You cannot make a man have sex with you by talking to him. Trust me!

I disagree - I think the brain has a lot to do with sex and my boyfriend would agree with you.

And in a more light hearted way I think some men have bigger natural breasts than I do

As far as the falling asleep after a massage goes I am on the side of the fence saying it isn't necessarily a big issue. I also agree with other posters who are saying if it were the woman falling asleep the responses might be different.

Fucking hell. Surely it's ok to be tired sometimes? It's not like you're not getting plenty. Frankly it annoys me when my dh gives me a massage and then expects sex. Yes sometimes I'm definitely up for a shag after a nice massage but sometimes it would be nice to just have the massage and then go to sleep!

What Voice said.

MN Relationships is turning into a parody of itself on this thread.

Very, I think you're letting your previous relationship and rejection influence your feelings towards this new man. You admit your libido has gone through the roof at the moment so it might not be your "normal" state anyway IYKWIM. This man is not a machine; he was tired, you gave him a massage that made him even sleepier and he didn't feel physically up for sex this time. This is not a reason to reassess your relationship. Just see how it goes.

Seriously, not every new couple shag like rutting monkeys at the beginning of a relationship. Constant shagging does not = a healthy fun sex life for everyone (though it may for some). It just doesn't.

Very you could be me, I totally understand where you're coming from and why the feeling of being sexually 'rejected' can feel so hurtful. When your self-esteem has taken a battering for years it feels good to be desired again and we can be in danger of letting the new man's opinion define us instead of taking our self-worth from within ourselves.

FWIW I have now been with DP for a year and we do 'shag like rutting monkeys' at least once a day every day we see each other (5 days a week). But there has been the odd day when one of us has been really tired or feeling ill and we haven't done it and if it's him feeling tired then I can feel a little rejected. He realises this and is quick to reassure me that its not a rejection of me and that he would love to cuddle up etc. However, that would certainly be the exception not the norm, even after a year, so I suppose you need to see if this becomes a pattern or if its a one off.

I know things tail off a bit when you've been together a while, so I accept that it might not always be like this, but if it had started to go quiet within the first few months I would have felt a bit dejected too, especially when you're being physically intimate with the massage etc. That's not to say that a massage should lead to sex, but being naked and rubbing each other with oil generally does feel pretty damn sexy, so it would be reasonable to expect it to go further.

Perhaps you do just have different levels of desire, only you can say if the relationship is good enough in other ways to balance that out.

Maybe for now you're best off just storing it away in the compartment of your brain marked "things to reconsider if new information comes to light". See how things progress otherwise. At 12 weeks in, you barely know each other at all. As your relationship develops, it'll become fairly obvious whether he's a considerate and keen lover who was just tired that night, has a lower libido than you, or thinks sex is all about him.

Sorry to take so long to respond, and thank you very much for all the thoughtful replies.

I 'get' both types of responses on the thread but am erring towards thinking that the issue here is more 'me' than 'him'.

It really should be absolutely ok not to have sex when either of us are feeling below par. The uncomfortable sense of rejection was probably (as twosteps and other posters suggested) caused by my own rubbish self esteem more than anything.

Another poster tentatively suggested that some people with battered egos can use sex to make themselves feel better. Sadly, I think I might be in this camp- I really really enjoy the physical act itself with DP, but am conscious that it also makes me feel very loved and gives my self esteem a boost.

I've seen DP twice since the 'massage'. We've had a lovely fun evening both times, he has been kind, considerate, and we've have had thumbs up sex.

So I'm hoping this was nothing to worry about.

I do realise I'm still recovering from my past relationship. I'm doing what I can to improve my self esteem and to be less of a 'people pleaser', but it's proving to be a long process!!