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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive/emotional?

28 replies

Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 19:20

Sorry this might be long...

I have been with my dp for 6 years, when started to sleep together he noticed a couple of scars I have on my body. After a little while he asked me about them and I told him it was where my father had stabbed me when I was little, I told him all about how he was a very violent man and how I had suffered a brain injury when I was a baby from him picking me up over his head and slamming me into the ground and how he used to beat me reguarly but I was so young I didn't even realise it wasn't 'normal' until I had grown up. My father moved away and I haven't seen him for years. It was really hard to tell my dp about it all but I trusted him enough to tell him.

What has this got to do with now? Well, my brother got married at the weekend and he decided to invite my father, I felt sick and nervous about seeing him but I went to the wedding for my brother. When my father walked in I was shocked because he looked so old and he came up to me and gave me a really big hug and a kiss, it really threw me but I managed to 'keep it together' for my brother.

I've been stuggling with all of these mixed feelings all weekend and I tried to talk to dp about them earlier, "It's hard to believe that that old man is the same man who used to beat me to within an inch of my life isn't it?" I said to him, "He used to beat you up? I didn't know that!" he says.

I am so hurt that he can't remember the things I have told him not just once but everytime the subject of my father has come up. I feel like he just doesn't care enough to remember something that important, if somebody I loved told me the same thing I wouldn't/couldn't just forget it. He can't understand why I am upset that he has, he thinks I am being over emotional and I'll be ok when my period starts!

OP posts:
Dior · 25/06/2006 19:29

Message withdrawn

littlerach · 25/06/2006 19:38

I don't think youre being at all sensitive or over emotional. It is a big thing that you've told him; I'd expect soemone to remember that. Maybe forget to get the shopping, or to gt the washing in, but not that.

CrocodileKate · 25/06/2006 19:50

I can understand why you are hurt. I have spoken to my dh about things that are painful to me and I know that these are not forgotten by him even though we do not talk about them. I would be very hurt if he simply forgot that I ever told him.

warthog · 25/06/2006 19:54

i'm flabbergasted. no, you are not being oversensitive! i'm truly shocked that he could 'forget'. how do you forget something like that??? i'd be SERIOUSLY pissed of.

warthog · 25/06/2006 19:55

off even...

Rhubarb · 25/06/2006 19:57

Perhaps he blocked it out? Sometimes, if you trust someone with something so big, they can't cope with all of the info right there and then so they block it out.

I'd be more offended by the 'period' comment! Tell him again and explain how you've told him this already and how upset it is that he seems to have just forgotten. He should be truly mortified and apologetic. If not, then perhaps there is something wrong?

warthog · 25/06/2006 20:07

what is he like in general? are you happy in your relationship?

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:14

I thought we were happy in our relationship, he doesn't seem to think that he has done anything wrong.

I told him I couldn't believe that he could 'forget' it, the scars are right there on my body, I told him that I did wonder if he cared enough about me to remember it, he just told me not to be stupid, now he is not talking to me as if I have offended him.

I just feel like he really doesn't give a 'monkeys' about me.

OP posts:
warthog · 25/06/2006 20:18

if your relationship is good in general, and this is an isolated incident perhaps he did just block it out. i personally couldn't forget, but perhaps some other mners might have a different take.

Rhubarb · 25/06/2006 20:18

Bloody men eh? He is overdoing it a bit though. You need to talk to him, what happened to you is a part of you, a very important part, if he has a problem with that you need to know.

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:26

I don't know how he could have blocked it out, he knew how much I was dreading seeing my father, my brother felt the same really but couldn't get married without inviting him (which I do understand) and dp was party to the conversation that my brother and I had about how we couldn't really relax because we were waiting for our father to turn up.

Why on earth did he think we were so wound up if he didn't remember the things I had told him about my childhood?

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:30

Only last year my Grandfather died and a little while after I told dp how my tiny (5ft) Grandfather tried to fight my father (6ft 6in) because he wanted to protect me from him. So dp does know! I don't understand why he is saying he didn't know because he does.

OP posts:
warthog · 25/06/2006 20:32

it DOES sound very odd. i'd be spitting, and his comments about your time of the month definitely don't help. maybe he was so embarrassed / ashamed, he tried to cover up and went on the attack. i'd wait until things have calmed down a bit and then try to talk about it again.

Chandra · 25/06/2006 20:34

My husband can recite the name, author, date and even quote sentences from most articles in his area written in the past ten years. However, sometimes he asks me what did I studied at University, he tells me things like "when we were in Tunez" (I have never been there but he was with former GF), and seems to totally forget that I have been begging him to leave this city every single day during the last 8 yrs. And yes, it makes me think he doesn't love me enough. His actions show different but it hurts me badly that he can't even understand why I feel so frustrated about his forgetfulness.

Sometimes I feel that if I died or we went separate ways he would not be able to remember any specific detail about me in 10 yrs time, and worries me that I'm wasting my life by staying with him.

Now... I know many other people that complain about the same so... I guess that is a men's thing, not that it hurts me less for that, though..

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:35

Oooops now I am getting a bit upset and emotional.

I don't understand why he is like this, before the wedding he was saying to me "It will be ok, its different now, you've got me, you can lean on me, he won't be nasty to you with me there I won't let him".

Now he is saying he doesn't remember me telling him.

I'm so bloody confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:42

Warthog, you are right, I'll talk to him again when things have calmed down a bit.

Rubarb, you are right too, what happened to me is very much a part of who I am, things like this tend to 'shape you' as much as you don't want them to, but they do. Dp does need to understand that it is a very important part of who I am (not all of me, just a very small part of me, I don't want (and won't let) my childhood to effect all of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:43

Chandra, yes it does bloody hurt, maybe it is a man thing, I don't know.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 25/06/2006 20:45

Don't know what to think. All very odd. I'd think he was winding my up on purpose, but then I start to think he needs to see a doctor if his memory is that bad.

warthog · 25/06/2006 20:47

squirrel3, i don't have enough words to express how bad i feel for you. to have gone through such a terrible childhood and now to have it trivialised by someone you love.

just a big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and hope that this gets resolved to your satisfaction.

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 20:55

Thank you warthog, I have decided not to let it get to me this evening, I'll talk to dp about it tomorrow, but for now I have opened a nice bottle of red and I am going to toast myself for getting through the weekend relatively unscathed!

OP posts:
warthog · 25/06/2006 20:57
Smile
sobernow · 25/06/2006 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 25/06/2006 21:06

Sobernow, Its not something I talk about a lot, only when it is effecting me (like when my grandfather died, and only then because I remembered how brave my Grandfather was for standing up to someone who was easily twice his size) and when dp asked where I had got the scars.

I don't think that even dp would be that insensitive to do that about this kind of thing, maybe if I'd gone on a bit to long about a new pair of shoes for instance, but not this.

OP posts:
Chandra · 25/06/2006 21:30

Well, he is a father now, maybe if you remind him about what you have told him and ask him whether he would be capable of doing something like that to one of his own children he will understand why you feel so hurt that something that he has forgotten something that hurts you so much.

ScummyMummy · 25/06/2006 21:38

Oh sweetheart. I'd be very sad too, i think. It's a massive thing for him to "forget". Maybe Rhubarb is right about him blocking it out because it's too painful. I hope you find a way to talk to him about it.

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