Think I'm going to give up trying to have friends, I'm clearly not very good at this friends malarkey!

[rooobarbb]

I am just crap at having friends. I'm not an unlikeable person and have plenty of 'friends' and people to chat to, but people never seem to like me quite enough to consider me a close friend, or to include me in things, and I also often end up being treated badly by people that are my friends. I think I'm just 'there'. Always on the outside.

I see people on Facebook having birthday weekends away 'with the girls' or going on nights out and I think heck, how do they do it? I find it difficult enough to get someone to meet me for a half hour coffee, and even then whoever it is usually cancels and/or forgets.

I become friends with people who then decide to treat me badly, or I think someone is a close friend and they then go and do something that makes me think that I value them far more than they value me, and I just feel like a total and utter mug for listening to their problems/doing them favours/being there for them. Other people seem to have so much support from friends, with people rallying to help them in times of crisis, but I've had a really hard time in the past year and none of my so-called friends have been there for me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be the sun, moon and stars to every friend I have, but a bit of reciprocal love would be nice. Again, on the dreaded facebook I see friends all saying to each other how great each other is and how much they adore each other, and how beautiful they are, but no one ever says anything nice to me.

Sorry if this sounds like woe is me, but I really feel fed up :(

I know exactly how you feel, I've always chosen selfish friends unintentionally who only seem to get in touch when they want something. I keep busy and I'm thinking of starting a hobby where I can meet New people with similar interests.

Yep, sounds familiar. I sort of allowed myself to accept it and now feel much better and happier in myself. Took a while though and I do also look at those girls weekend photos and generally now admit to myself that I would not enjoy myself.

Yep same here. I just don't bother anymore especially since moving to a new area not one single one of my old 'friends' have even bothered picking a phone up or sending a text. Just goes to show that the majority of the time I was just there when they wanted something

Thanks anon and danny for your replies. It's good to know I'm not alone in how I feel.

danny, my DH says that chances are the friendships shown in those types of photos and statuses are all fake anyway and that they all put up with bitchiness and all kinds of shit from each other in order to stay in the friendship group.

Oh no Granville, that's not nice of them :( I get the feeling that none of my 'friends' would bother if I didn't make the effort to contact them and that I could easily slip off the radar if we moved away and they'd probably not notice I'd gone lol

Facebook has a lot to answer for. I think the truth is that most people can consider themselves very lucky if they travel the whole of their lives and can hand on heart say they've had two or three really good friends who have been there for them through thick and thin.

One thing I've learned is that friendships take just as much nurturing as a marriage. In a world where we work such long hours and have so many demands on our time, they can be difficult to sustain. I am fortunate to have some wonderful friends. I suspect it's no coincidence that I am single. A DH/DP at home would make it far harder to fit in my friendships.

You get the friends you expect. If you a great friend and you don't aim your sights high enough, you'll get crap friends. Sometimes it takes courage to inveigle yourself into the life of someone who seems fabulous - the temptation is to think why would they be interested in someone like me - but if you know you are a good person and a loyal friend, try it. You will often be pleasantly surprised. People who make good friends tend to be quite open to newcomers because good friendships are based on acceptance and loyalty, not point scoring and cliques.

Same here, sorry not helpful I know. I think I might just gravitate towards confident, outgoing people. I like good company but sometimes it would be nice to have people to lean on a bit.

Over time most of my friends have described me as together, reliable, trustworthy......that doesn't make me sound sparkling company! I think sometimes people make a first impression on others which is never revised. So I'm shy=she is aloof, I'm quietly confident=she's still aloof. Once people attach their perception of who they think you are it can be hard to displace it.

In my experience the friends I have who are popular and outgoing are a fun to be around. But they are also drama lamas who live in perpetual crisis, this vulnerability draws people to them, just as much as their humour and sparkling company.

I'm the same. I am trying to make friends but I worry about every little thing, and end up thinking people don't like me. I'd love to have a best friend but I don't think I ever have or ever will. Just have to keep telling myself I'm a nice person.

Sorry you're feeling this way rooobarbb.
Can you think of some exceptions? When people have treated you really well and valued you? I wonder whether you're feeling a bit low and the negative memories are predominating? (not dismissing that these things have happened of course). Or can you think of any times when you've let someone down/not been there like you could have been, so you can frame it as more human and forgive it when other people do so?

Hope things improve soon.

Facebook is a terrible, terrible place sometimes.....

I think Dahlen has some very wise words

Elisabeta, trustworthy and reliable sounds brilliant friend material to me.

Same here. It is liberating in a way to get to this point. I have my own time and activities that I enjoy that are not disappointed by someone else's agenda.

What Dahlen said.

Thank you everyone for the replies, you've all been very supportive and helpful, and it's good to know I'm not alone with how I feel. I agree that it's liberating in a way to be at this point.

I just don't know where to go from here really. In the frame of mind I'm in at the moment I just can't be bothered with anyone at all. There doesn't seem any point as any friendships that I make just seem to go down the pan at some point or another.

I am lucky in that I do have maybe 3 people I'd consider to be proper, true friends, but these aren't really people that I'd socialise with, although I know they are there for me. The reason I can't socialise with them is because two of them live over 100 miles away (both in opposite directions from where I live), and the third has a busy life as have I and in a way we have grown apart however I know she would be there for me if I needed her.

I am lucky in that I do have maybe 3 people I'd consider to be proper, true friends

In that case, you probably have as many friends as most people.

Seriously, it's uncommon for busy adults with jobs and families and other responsibilities to maintain a wide circle of friends - there just isn't the time.

Ditch Facebook, really. It breeds competitiveness, envy, dissatisfaction and misery.

I know how you feel. I have recently moved around 100 miles away from my friends, although this is closer than before. Anyway I only meet them/ talk on the phone if I initiate it. It's as if phones don't work in my direction. I feel quite sad about it as I could really use their support right now.

Anyway, I'm trying to build relationships elsewhere with the wives of DH's friends, people at yoga and anywhere else. Its slow and once I realised that it got a bit easier. Saying that it is hard work and takes effort.

And it certainly doesn't get easier with age! I found it very easy to get freinds when I was a young student and didn't have a DH, 2 DCs, full time work etc. I don't have many friends now, but to a certain extent I wouldn't know how to fit them in. I see the friends I do have (meybe 3) maybe once or twice a yeard and rarely speak to them on the phone (so I guess they are "old friends" now rather than friends!). I think also my need for friends is less now. I do like people, but I recent spending so much time "nurturing" friendships.

Same here. I've moved from Midlands to the South to the North back to the Midlands and as soon as I've gone, I cease to exist for most people. It always strikes me as odd that it's often the most bitchy, fickle people who have the most friends too. Sister says I'm too nice and people therefore walk all over me without fear of the consequences. I think she's right. I do have some lovely friends though so can't grumble but sadly, most people seem to want to use you. This became clear when I no longer had the rich partner, beautiful house, important job and boat. I think a lot of people look at you as a resource to be used and exploited.

It sounds like you are lacking confidence in this respect. I'm sure you are not unlikeable. Sometimes it can seem as though everyone else has a wonderful social life but Facebook doesn't always reflect the whole truth.

I definitely think you need to avoid people who are selfish and will use you. I have had this happen to me in the past and it's infuriating.

I also long for friends - but have to admit that I am not interested enough to make the effort. the fact is that i would love to be asked out to the coffee mornings - but wouldn't bother organising one. I love to get text messages from friends - but never really send them.

I could go on. I get on with people when I am with them - but don't go out of my way. I have come to accept this about myself. I just haven't found anyone who I like enough to consider worth the effort. Well, one - but she hasn't contacted me in several weeks...

I have the friend chip missing - it is just who I am I guess.

rooobarbb, do you have children? go to toddler groups? any nice mums around at school times?

Are we really just all too busy for friends? or are people losing the ability to make or be friends?

I'm off to uni next week and the grand old age of 40 and the one thing that is really worrying me is the social side of it. I will probably be the oldest most boring student ever.

You're not in cork are you? I know the feeling and am going through the same.

I have 2 good friends and lots of 'acquaintances' (People who I speak to in passing, who are really nice but I'm not part of their social group.) We don't see each other outside of work or school gate. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me and other times it doesn't bother me at all.

ah Facebook is all v much public face. I suspect you are like me, that when you do go out for a meal/go on holiday etc, you wouldn't dream of posting attention seeking statuses about the utterly wonderful time you are having etc. Take it with a pinch of salt. People don't seem to post low key truths on FB like "went out for dinner with Josephine Bloggs, and Joanna Bloggs, there's an evening I'll never get back"!

I identified a lot with you OP. I have some lovely friends but I have to make most of the effort. It hurts that it works that way. But everyone is busy.

When I split with dh I expected people to rally round and contact me, offer to help with sorting out my new home. Nope.

They did dh, though; I think people just think that men are a bit pathetic on their own (and I initiated the split).

Even now I feel terrible loneliness some weekends when kids are with dh. I wish one of my friends would invite me to join them for say, Sunday lunch. It never happens. It's all couples and they have habits. Even my db who doesn't live a million miles away didn't contact me. No one rang to ask how I was doing. I think some of it is if you come across as resilient and capable people assume you are. And if you don't call others when you need help they don't know you do (though it's tiresome to be leaned on so I try not to do it).

It can be depressing. I've never been on a girls' holiday, been to few weddings, never gone skiing with a big group (not that I could afford that any more).

So another voice to add to the chorus that you are far from alone.

But apart from sharing this tale of woe, and to be more constructive, one thing I have learned is that if you have low self esteem it's nice to be generous but you can give too much. And if you don't value yourself enough you have a kind of gratitude that people want to be friends with you. Also I had good manners drilled into me. This means I get very stressed if I am going to be late, even. Because I am like this I feel disproportionately hurt if someone 'let's me down' by say, cancelling at short notice. And it's very easy to translate this into a feeling of not being valued.

I'm trying to get better at realising that I don't always have to bend over backwards for other people. If you do this a lot it's inevitable that you feel short-changed when people don't reciprocate.

Don't be sad; join a club or start a new activity. I'm planning on joining a cycling group. Lots of people who do this sort of thing are also trying to broaden their circle and are welcoming to newcomers so I'm hoping I will make some new friends.

It's nice to to have an established circle of friends and a busy social life. But it can be limiting and repetitive. It's very stimulating meeting new people and old friendships can be static and about duty. You sound lovely and I'm sure you can find new friends but it will take effort x

Are you me? I have nothing to say other than I feel exactly the same way.

I get how you feel, I really do. After I had DS and wasn't around as much, I seemed to just drop off people's radars. I am lucky to have a few good friends that have stuck by me for years, but I only really see one of them regularly because the others have moved away.

I always get told "you're so outgoing, it won't be hard to make new friends!" The truth is I have a fraction of my former confidence, most of it is a front. And that means I hide behind politeness when I meet new people. Unless I've had a few drinks, then I revert back to my teenage self! My point is it's never as easy as people want to believe.

Ignore Facebook, nobody posts the whole truth.

If you're in London, feel free to join me for a over the weekend. I'm on holiday!