Devastated and blindsided. What now?

[Andwhynot]

Name changed for this post to avoid outing myself but I'm looking for a little bit of hand holding and some clarity. My DH suddenly left my 6 year old DD and myself 5 weeks ago for an old friend he had bumped into again after 20 years. After some initial to-and-froing (and even a reconciliation holiday in Disneyland that went disastrously wrong) he is moving into rented accommodation near his work and I am devastated and angry and every emotion in between. We own our house and a successful(ish) business and he is throwing all this away and only asking for one night a fortnight access to DD who was the centre of his world up until this.

I'm struggling to make sense of it all.

We had, what I thought, was a fantastic 12 year marriage. Tactile, still regular sex, lots of laughter but now he tells me I was an argumentative, abusive nightmare......a backstory I think he has since invented to justify his affair although he has me questioning this. There had been huge arguments but all about his sudden suspicious behaviour after meeting OW. He can't officially be with her as she has a DD the same age and has just been awarded a full bursary to a v exclusive all-girls school because of her lone parent, low income status hence DH 'renting' as a smoke screen. Because of this detail he won't admit they are in a relationship either but we have friends of friends in common and the OW likes to boast. And she has form.....she recently had an affair with another married man who left his wife and 2 DC's for a while before crawling back. She goes for the ones she thinks are wealthy. Not sure if that is relevant but wanted to share. And to bitch.

How do I move on?!! About from the hurt I am furious that he is renting and fully furnishing a new property to provide cover for his affair and giving my DD and I little money to survive on. The business is suffering and we are attempting to still run it together but it's incredibly painful. He is desperate to integrate DD into a new life with OW and her DD and I could cry my heart out. I want my old life back!!!

Sorry it's so long and thank you so very much for reading through it!

Do you think he's re-written things in his head so that he sees you as a friend?? Why on earth would he think it appropriate to tell you these things? Mind you, I have a good friend going through this at the moment. It's a couple of months on since you discovered the affair and he's popping 'round for a cup of tea and whining about the OW to her.

You may have a little chuckle with this piece from yesterday's Sunday Times Style section - it sounds like XH is heading into The Sex Cave... (apologies for c'right infringement but at times like this, a paywall is there to be defeated)
Camilla Long wrote it

Congratulations to Elizabeth Hurley, who has finally emerged from the sex cave following three years of extensive public fondling at the hands of the pink and yellow human battenburg cake Shane Warne. The actress said that she was “too raw” to tweet following rumours that the cricketer had become close to his ex-wife. This is ironic, given that Hurley ought to have been too raw to do anything for a long time now, ever since she embarked on a weapons-grade sex rampage, in which she couldn’t stop tweeting about skimpy underwear and punishment, before allowing herself to be industrially groped by Warne on the terrace at Ascot. At one point, she went so far into the sex cave that she sent a message in the voice of her spaniel, Sammy, saying that he sent Warne “a special lick” and wanted somewhere to rest his “silky head”. This is because the sex cave robs you of all sense and sensibility and banishes you to a dark and mysterious place where even the most beautiful women will abandon friends, family and lattes in order to throw themselves at grinch-faced, horny-handed thong tourists like Warne, or anyone else on the internet.

The worst case of sex-caving occurred last summer, when the model Melanie Sykes started bombarding a 27-year-old roofer called Jack Cockings (yes) with messages about her “giddy knickers” and “raging horn”, in spite of the fact that he had already tried to chat up several other clammy celebrities, including Jodie Marsh. Sykes explained she had an “inflamed throat” and excited “nips” in a head-fizzing, mouth-foaming, all-consuming erotic holocaust that culminated happily in marriage, but for at least 15 minutes must have given her a chilling idea of exactly what it felt like to be Russell Brand
Brand is the king of the sex cave, a man who has slept with more than 2,000 women in spite of his technique, which, as far as I can tell, amounts to begging. He begs and begs until the object of his lust relents and is ushered metaphorically down a long red carpet, lined with mirrors and birdcages and small children reciting Victorian poetry, and into his Pete Doherty memorial dungeon, where she has to put up with his random gabblings and karmic tintinnabulations and gap-year-grade sex, before emerging, what feels like 1,000 years later, feeling confused, dehydrated and 10 years older. This is exactly how Hurley must have felt when she forced herself to crawl out of the cave two weeks ago — shell-shocked and thin and only just coming to terms with the fact that she has wasted three years of her life with a compulsive sexter who looks like the fat, angry one from a boyband. There’s only one thing worse than going into the sex cave, and that’s coming out, which is why La Hurley deserves our full sympathy and support at this time of black Birkins and crisis eyewear. The only way to get over it is to think of the sex cave like InterRailing. It’s hot, difficult and wrong, but at least you will only ever do it once or twice.

Please, please, please stop engaging with him about his relationship or yours.

Wear a rubber band and ping it every time you have contact, if it will help.

You are giving him oxygen and feeding his supply.

Be practical now and concentrate on protecting your assets and the roof over yours and DD's head. Get the divorce rolling and as he didn't write anything down, just file for unreasonable behaviour and use the other relationship as one of the factors. You could fill several pages if you put your mind to it, but you've got more than enough as it is.

Rant to us here or to discreet and loyal friends in real-life. With him be chillingly practical and business-focused.

Sorry, Francesca I will, I promise. I just needed to know the brutal truth in order to start to move on. No more questions now though and I will resume my previous stoic stance that was working so well. Up until my blip.

Vivacia It is as though he sees me as a friend now. He is infatuated with OW and can't see anything else clearly. To say he loves OW and DD equally is proof of that.

Leopoldina That brought a smile to my face, thanks! 'Looking like the fat, angry one from a boyband' resonates deeply!

Oh I think one fall off the wagon is understandable and it must be so hard to be dispassionate and businesslike with someone you love and who previously, you didn't have to be so guarded with. I do understand how difficult that must be and like you say, at least it's further evidence of his outstanding fuckwittery.

Outstanding fuckwittery. Brilliant! I'm will use that phrase again and again. You do always make me smile, Francesca!

Hi Andwhynot - just checking to see how you're doing and your DD

Are you still running the business together? Hope you're okay today.

Just caught up with your thread Andwhynot and also checking in to register my support.

I hope you've got the legal wheels moving now after this latest threat.

This is terribly important, because as soon as your ex-husband sees you detaching, he will punish you for it and start to fight dirty. I'm wondering whether he noticed a difference in your strength a few days ago on the phone and decided to drop the house and business sale bombshell, in order to keep you in line? Interesting but probably revealing that he also chose to pour salt into the wounds at that point, by telling you about his relationship with the OW.

Don't fear this. Meet the challenge head-on.

The fake-it-to-make-it plan is about appearing to be magnificently detached and disinterested while at the same time, protective of your assets and the people you love; DD and your own self.

You do need to see how he reacts when he thinks he's truly lost you. It will tell you such a lot about the man and not the partner.

If he behaves as I think he will - punitively and with cruelty - you'll find that this will accelerate your detachment from him. You will recoil at the behaviour of someone you once thought so highly of and for the first time probably, you'll start to see him more objectively as a human being and not just as a partner. This will be painful, but it will help.

Do keep this thread going for support. I'm so pleased you've been getting such sound advice and help. This is where Mumsnet comes into its own.

Thank you Whatnext and Charbon. XH still behaving like a prize baffoon unfortunately. Things with OW are continuing at a frightening pace and he feels the need to mention her frequently. I don't take the bait.

He is paying little attention to DD except to scream down the phone that he wishes to have her overnight immediately, a subject we had discussed and I thought agreed on. Needless to say she doesn't want to go and I won't make her. He had phoned several times last night at 15 minute intervals to speak to DD when he should have known, or did know, that she has a dance class and then football and wouldn't have been in.

DD's nightmares continue and so I took her to the GP who spoke to a child psychologist at the hospital who basically said I have a duty of care as a parent to protect my daughter and if she doesn't feel comfortable with XH then she shouldn't be cajoled into being with him. I know I am guilty of doing this. XH's sister came round and even she pointed out I wasn't listening to DD and was putting too much pressure on her to see XH. I am just so worried by his threats to sell the house and business if he doesn't have regular access that I am desperate to talk DD round. I am back in touch with the lawyer again though.

XH's happiness is grating and bringing me down more than I would have thought. He is so in love with OW. Out of desperation I ordered the Paul Mckenna book mentioned elsewhere on a thread 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart'. Mainly because he didn't seem to do one entitled 'I Can Have Your Bastarding Cheat of an Ex Swim With The Fishes'.

Just so I understand this properly, is the reason you're speaking to him so often because he rings under the guise of talking to DD? when we all know he just wants to rub your nose in it

Does she want to speak to him on the phone? From my dim and distant memory of 6 year olds, they weren't 'good' with phone calls, so I wonder whether she's finding these a trial too?

What about an age appropriate way of asking DD how she'd prefer to have contact with daddy? I'm thinking that phone calls and having her round his house would be easy and comfortable for him, but 6 year-old favourite past-times like soft play or a wildlife park, probably less so. But if she's able to say that's what she wants- and what she doesn't want- there might be a win-win here for you and her.

If she doesn't want these phone calls for example, that means you don't have to speak to him at all, unless there's something urgent about DD or the divorce. You can insist on e mails.

FWIW, I often wonder whether there's a different slant on the stories you read about 'mothers refusing contact', 'using the children as a weapon' and other emotive phrases. Fact is, I can imagine a lot of kids don't want to spend time with a man who's never catered for their needs or spent much time with them when they were at home.

It's brave and honest of you to admit that you've been encouraging the relationship so as not to anger him into threats, but I'm glad you've realised that now and have had DD's needs ratified by a child professional and her own aunt.

The way to deal with threats like this is through the legal channels. I hope you've got a great lawyer who is used to little twerps like your husband throwing their weight around, issuing threats. He's a bully and like them all, will back down when someone bigger and stronger enters the arena.

Act smart here and get the lawyer on to it as a matter of urgency. If the one you've got has no appetite for it, find another one who does.

You also need to find a way of DD being in contact with him that doesn't involve you or your engagement. He's using these calls as a way to get your attention and it must stop.

Afternoon Francesca. Thanks for your reply which is always spot on. Yes, the calls are primarily under the guise of him wanting to speak to DD although a few have been business related which are pretty unavoidable.

XH is, of course, saying I have poisoned DD's mind against him because it's easier for him to think this than admit his actions have been so appalling his own child has shied away from him. It's similar to blaming the separation on fictitious arguments rather than admitting an affair.

I am finding it difficult seeing him so happy with the OW. He is giddy and preoccupied and it reminds me of when we first met.

My lawyer is very good and very skilled in family law so I feel confident but both lawyers agreed that these short occasion evening visits were one of his few options for contact with DD so I am duty bound to conform, at least in the meantime.

Oh I'd forgotten he was coming round the house too. Bugger.

What about these short visits taking place in a local cafe where they have tea together? Why do they have to be in the house? He could come to the door, you hand over DD and you don't let him over the doorstep when he returns? That way he's seeing her and you don't have to see his lovesick puppy act all the time. No lawyer would baulk at that, because the alleged motive of him coming round is to spend time with his daughter. Of course you know different and your lawyer if good, will see through that little charade too.

Any business stuff can be dealt with by e mails can't it? Doesn't need a call.

Have you spoken to DD about whether she enjoys these calls?

BTW, it's okay to admit to us on here that you don't want to give up contact with him. But it's not doing you any good.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

they might be useful

hope you're not feeling too bad today
just keep buggering on, as Churchill said

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Many thanks Julia. Will check that link out properly this afternoon. A bad morning has been followed by a more positive afternoon thanks.

Francesca He can't make it to the house before 7pm at the earliest because of our business and I understand I have to be flexible in accommodating this as we need the income now we are, in-effect, running two households. The visits are nothing more than a brief "Hello, it's Daddy" on his way to see OW after she has also tucked her daughter into bed if truth be told and we don't really communicate during them. I leave the room. It's really too late for him to take DD out though.

All of the OW bragging is done on the phone usually when DD is in bed or out and I ask the questions if I'm honest. I hate myself for doing so too but I'm in desperate need of answers. I will stop now he has admitted the affair is ongoing, I promise, as I am starting to heal.

I don't want to see him though, honestly, as it always leaves me a huge mess of anger and sadness but I admit I want to control what he says/does with DD. He is always trying to put pressure on her wrt going to the cottage/meeting OW and if I'm around he does it less.

DD doesn't like the calls either because they come with no warning. XH is all about the control. Could be before school, before bed or silence for 5 days, there is no consistency or pattern sadly. These are the little things that will be worked out in time but it's hard living through it all at the moment.

Tbh, as a working mum business owner myself, I don't buy this idea that my business would go to the wall if a couple of times a week, I left work early enough to take my children out to dinner. Mine were six once and so I adapted my working days to make sure I was home for dinnertime at least 2-3 times a week. I appreciated the extra flexibility running a business gave me to be able to do that- it was probably easier than if I'd been a wage slave. I really don't think your ex is any different and fact is, if OW told him he had to come round at 6 every night, I bet he'd manage it without the business going to wrack and ruin.

Sweetheart, you can't control what he does with DD, all you can do is protect her rights to choose how she wants to spend her time. I can well imagine you don't want her to meet the OW but if you start giving up some of these controls over how they spend time together, it's further proof of your detachment isn't it?

If you insist that he steps up and actually parents his own child, without your involvement, it will also mean you start getting some time to start your life up again, in whichever way you choose. It will piss exH off no end if he sees you going out on his days/nights with DD won't it?

Expecting him to fuck up looking after her is continuing to enable his fuckwittery isn't it? He'll learn how to look after a six year old just like we all did. All you need to ne concerned with is that she's safe and comfortable and that can only be achieved by making him do it.

I think a reliable timetable for phone calls to his daughter is a must. The current sporadic situation must be very unsettling for her.

Yeah, I agree. I'd ask your solicitor to write setting out that a timetable for calls is necessary to provide your dd with some consistency and reliability, as the ad hoc approach is unsettling her. You can suggest maybe every other day at a set time?

I hope you've at least had good news on the finances front from your sol. I'm sorry he is being such an unutterable arse.

XH rings DD once a week if he can be bothered to remember he always texts first to make sure she is free, so no nasty surprises and I can get her ready for the call, pause tv etc so she will concentrate on it.

Tbh, if your STBXH is making a flying visit, I would say that was more damaging than no visit at all.

If DD doesn't want to see him then her wishes should be taken into account.

I agree with you all about the calls and flying visits. This is all about his ego and control issues.

He called again last night when I had specifically and clearly told him that we were going to DD's little friends house across the road for dinner and would stay for a sleepover.

He then followed this up with a midnight text saying that because he couldn't get hold of me he'll 'conclude that you have absolutely no further interest in the studio (our business) and we'll call the partnership over. Let me speak to our daughter and phone me back if I've left a message. Or things will change immediately.' He then sent the same text 5 times as I didn't reply.

So tired of the constant threats. Nearly every day at the moment.

Do you have your solicitor on the case yet? If so, I'd reply saying "please direct all communication relating to the business through my solicitor" and refuse to engage if he continues to try to use it as a threat.

I agree. Time for a solicitors letter to say all communication through them. You do not have to put up with his harrassment.

I'd also get the solicitor to set out his calls and the content of his texts over the past couple of weeks, if you have them, as an appendage to the main letter. (You can type that out yourself, which will save on costs.) His sol should then warn him that that will look incredibly crappy if it reaches court, should it continue, which may lead him to cut it out.

Agree with Francesca, sadly. You need to disengage over your dd's contact with him, but make it as clear-cut (absolutely defined times) and regular as possible. Also very telling that he is doing just as you were told he would, and getting abusive when you began to leave his control.

So awful for you, I am so sorry. But it WILL be better.

Just checking in again to see how you are. I'm sorry we are rarely online at the same time!

It seems absolutely imperative now to pass this over to your lawyers. He is threatening you.