Devastated and blindsided. What now?

[Andwhynot]

Name changed for this post to avoid outing myself but I'm looking for a little bit of hand holding and some clarity. My DH suddenly left my 6 year old DD and myself 5 weeks ago for an old friend he had bumped into again after 20 years. After some initial to-and-froing (and even a reconciliation holiday in Disneyland that went disastrously wrong) he is moving into rented accommodation near his work and I am devastated and angry and every emotion in between. We own our house and a successful(ish) business and he is throwing all this away and only asking for one night a fortnight access to DD who was the centre of his world up until this.

I'm struggling to make sense of it all.

We had, what I thought, was a fantastic 12 year marriage. Tactile, still regular sex, lots of laughter but now he tells me I was an argumentative, abusive nightmare......a backstory I think he has since invented to justify his affair although he has me questioning this. There had been huge arguments but all about his sudden suspicious behaviour after meeting OW. He can't officially be with her as she has a DD the same age and has just been awarded a full bursary to a v exclusive all-girls school because of her lone parent, low income status hence DH 'renting' as a smoke screen. Because of this detail he won't admit they are in a relationship either but we have friends of friends in common and the OW likes to boast. And she has form.....she recently had an affair with another married man who left his wife and 2 DC's for a while before crawling back. She goes for the ones she thinks are wealthy. Not sure if that is relevant but wanted to share. And to bitch.

How do I move on?!! About from the hurt I am furious that he is renting and fully furnishing a new property to provide cover for his affair and giving my DD and I little money to survive on. The business is suffering and we are attempting to still run it together but it's incredibly painful. He is desperate to integrate DD into a new life with OW and her DD and I could cry my heart out. I want my old life back!!!

Sorry it's so long and thank you so very much for reading through it!

Hello again all. Slight update for anyone interested. I'm growing stronger each day and although it still hurts immensely I am finally getting some answers which are helping bring clarity. And more anger!

DH now admits he is in "constant daily contact" with the OW and "they will be together in the future". He says he is pushing for this. He really seems infatuated and is letting his relationship with DD slide except to include her in his future dream plans for his new family. He now has his rented cottage and is slowly attempting to furnish it with cast offs and such but as he is working/seeing OW every spare minute of the day he is giving it little thought and still staying with friends. Allegedly.

The next day he plans to have DD is 2nd November which makes me very sad and yet relieved at the same time however he is wanting to come over and read her a story some nights. Probably on the way to OW's house.

It still seems incredibly surreal. 12 years of marriage gone in a instant. My heart still aches for DD and I can't believe I couldn't protect her from this nightmare.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.

It is sad but once their head is full of OW there is no room to think about their DC and what they are doing to them.

You will start to realise that the man you thought he was has gone and that you cannot know what his behaviour will be from now on.

I don't think he should come and read to DD as it could be very confusing for her. After XH first walked out he was putting DD to bed twice a week but in the morning she would ask again why he wasnt there :(

Just carry on being the best mum you can be for DD and you will help her through it.

As for your XH, have minimum contact with him.

Hey AWN, good to hear from you.

Are you going to say "no" to the bedtime stories? All of the advice I have read on here says it's not good to blur the boundaries like this (for both the parent and children).

Yes I'd say no to the bedtime stories too. For your child's sake because of the horrible confusion that might induce- and for your sake because it just provides more opportunities to engage with him.

The advice you had about not discussing your relationship was so sound, but that extends to not discussing his new relationship either. To pull your plan off you've got to effect complete disinterest and say "I don't want to talk about anything other than DD/the divorce/the bills." In a way, he's still using you as a prop and all the while you play that role, this new relationship can't stand on its own two feet and survive without the oxygen of your role in it. Take that away and see what happens.

It's really shocking how previously committed fathers can persuade themselves that this paucity of contact with their child is acceptable. I wish society would condemn that as much as it would a mother being that neglectful, because there would be so much less of it. As it is, the other people in his life will probably be thinking he's an old fool, but they won't be coming down on him with a ton of bricks about his crap fathering as much as they would to a woman doing the same.

I am against evening visits but this is the only solution his lawyer recommended and to be honest he won't keep them up. DD is not interested and he will struggle to finish work on time. I'm going to let him think I was accommodating with the notion.

Now he has, for the first time, acknowledged the true relationship with OW then I can find my feet and move on. I am definitely going to adopt Charbon's Fake-it-to-make-it plan although now there will be a lot less faking it involved!

He says if I loved him then I would be pleased for him. I can't believe the arrogance.

It doesn't matter what his lawyer suggests. He should be having regular contact with DD, each week or EOW, whatever you agree on and also in the week too if he can manage it. (My XH can't). He should not be coming in your house any more especially with his entitled attitude. When he had his own place then he should be taking her there.

Next time he mentions OW then tell him that it is none of your concern what he does with his life now. And if he doesn't come in the house then there will be less opportunity for chat.

Grandiosity's already been mentioned on this thread hasn't it? People who think the world revolves around them simply cannot understand why it doesn't gladden people's hearts when they claim happiness, even when it's come at the expense of another's. They genuinely think something must be lacking in the other person. They think that others' love for them must be totally unconditional, even if their own love for people is completely conditional on those others feeding their monstrous egoes.

This is narcissism, is it not?

Even if you've agreed to these evening visits, you can change your mind based on better advice. If you also think he will not stick to them, it's much better if DD doesn't get used to them, only to be let down later when he can't be arsed. Proper contact away from your home is the way to go.

Sorry if I've missed it, but you say he has a lawyer. Do you?

Yes, Francesca I do have a lawyer but I'm still in a tricky position because we jointly own a business and a house and he is, at the moment, willing not to dissolve the business therefore allowing me an income and will keep up the mortgage payments.

I feel bullied by him as always but I want to keep DD with me as much as possible. He has never been solely responsible for her aside from taking her to the supermarket with him alone once or twice. He is totally inept and I don't trust him to have her alone in an inaccessible, remote cottage an hours drive away (let alone the fact I don't drive!). He has no furniture, not even a fridge or cooker. The friend he is currently staying with has a washing machine but DH can't fathom it out so he keeps buying new clothes. That about sums him up.

Also totally agree with all you say about grandiosity and narcissism. That his him exactly....with a little Mr. Bean thrown in for good measure!

Sounds as though he'll have to learn quick. However, what does your lawyer say about you having to have him in your home every night for bedtime stories? This being his lawyer's only suggestion is not reason enough. And if it does have to happen this way, I'd leave him to the whole bedtime routine and go out (anywhere) for an hour or so.

Oh why doesn't this total ineptitude as an adult and father surprise me?

It's the same old story on every affair thread. Lazy, selfish, inept man cheats.

The pattern is scary in its consistency.

Yet if we suggested this on the 'my dp does no housework' threads, we'd be accused of scaremongering.

Not that these ruminations help you very much, OP.

Are you working with lawyers to divorce and/or separation of interests and assets?

Oh I can believe the Mr. Bean thing too. The guy I was referring to in my first post was if anything, geeky and a bit nerdy. My personal view is that these guys need the adoration more than the emotionally sorted ones who know their own worth and don't come in their pants and lose their heads if a woman shows them a bit of attention.

So true Francesca. He was both arrogant and selfish and then inept and insecure in equal measure. His favourite and most overused phrase was a frustrated, pitiful wail "I can't dooooo this!!" when attempting even the most simple household task. Couldn't hoover as he was too tall, couldn't dust as he had allergies and couldn't put anything away as he was a feckless lazy arse.

Lawyers have advised us to try and settle terms between us as we have very unusual circumstances and they will then each check it over, amend anything as necessary and then draw it up into a more legally binding document.

DH (must really start the XH thing. There is nothing D about him) can't really truly commit to once a fortnight if we are both honest as he never, ever has managed to take weekends off and attempting even every second one will mean huge financial loss to the business that neither of can afford now he is in-effect running two households. There is a certain degree of flexibility required.

You really do come across as a superb woman OP. Such a skilled communicator, too.

It sort of makes me cross that such a prize ever hitched her wagon to someone like him, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I don't think we (as a society) educate young women enough about red flags in relationships. We still live in a society of binaries and myths about why cheating happens- and false stereotypes of 'cheats'.

I've never seen a 'cheating type' described as the hapless, selfish, lazy, sexist, not-hugely-attractive man who has over-inflated views of his own importance. I think some women believe that the good-looking, confident ones are most at risk, but that's rarely been my experience.

Maybe with your talent for writing, you can be a force for good eh? It would be great to get this message across to more women.

A truly heartfelt thanks, Francesca. Compliments seem very thin on the ground at the moment and yours was perfectly worded and just what I needed.

If I'm honest I was the absolutely the better looking one. Hell yes! There, I said it. The unsayable. His arrogance comes from the relative success in his career but in regards to looks and charisma he was distinctly average.

Having a bit of a wobble. DH/XH just told me he plans to sell our house and dissolve the business in the New Year and he is already sleeping with OW. Gutted. Not quite sure why I'm thrown by this but he only confirmed this morning that they were planning a relationship. It's all the brutal honesty I find hard and the fact he would throw his daughter out of her home without a care.

Don't respond to the detail about sleeping with the OW. Just respond to his threats about the house and business with a 'I'll be consulting my solicitor and will get back to you in due course' reply.

Then do just that, as quickly as possible.

Get some top legal advice ASAP. Also repeat to him that his life is none of your concern now. If he starts to talk about OW, walk away or hang up.

Regarding access, if he doesn't make time for his daughter then he will regret it when she is older. The one thing my DD wants is to see more of her dad but he chooses to put work first. Some things ARE more important than money and he will find that out one day.

XH just told me he plans to sell our house

You must get your own legal advice as soon as possible. Decisions regarding your child's home are not unilateral.

So his solicitor is now encouraging him to get what he can its time for you to start playing hard ball - fight for more than you want.

Where is he anticipating his child will live if you have no income once he has dissolved the business?

I agree any conversations regarding the other woman should be greeted by a "not interested" walk away or hang up. Gimp boy is trying to massage his ego by distressing you.

Ignoring and failing to register any information about the OW or their relationship is far more effective than saying 'I'm not interested'. This will infuriate him because it cuts off his supply of attention. Even a 'I'm not interested' is attention, you see.

Did he say he was having sex with the OW in a verbal conversation or in an E mail or text?

I probably don't need to point out that if it was written, it's prima facie evidence of adultery and while that won't affect the settlement, it would probably make the divorce go through quicker.

So his solicitor is now encouraging him to get what he can its time for you to start playing hard ball - fight for more than you want.

Yes, and in the meantime play dumb and ask, via email, where does your daughter live after you've sold the house?

Andwhynot - I'm so sorry you are going through this and your H is treating you and DD terribly. On what planet would he even think you would want to know about his OW?!

If you can, do all communication through text or email and save them, that's what I'm doing at the moment with my H who has left me for another woman and he is wanting to sell the house in January.

Like FrancescaBell said, it doesn't make a difference to the settlement you get but the divorce will go through quicker. The only difference it makes is if he is spending money on the OW then that is taken into account in the eyes of the law because he has a financial responsibility to you as his W - not the OW.

Hello all and thanks again. Feel a little shell shocked today but have regained my strength. Adultery was admitted in a call but pretty sure I could get him to acknowledge it in a text or email if I give it time.

Feel better for finally getting a grain of truth as hard as it was to hear. It was the fact he said he was "in love" and when I asked why he was putting OW above DD he tried to argue that he "loved them both equally but in different ways". Stunned. You absolute and utter maniac.

They are apparently in a "relaxed and committed relationship". More sodding spin doctorisms. It invoked an image of them sitting with a Thesaurus over a bottle of Merlot tried to find the two best words to convey their relationship to the uninitiated. Bastards. I did point out that "relaxed but committed relationship" would have a better ring to it but it didn't go down overly well.