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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He wants to be single

30 replies

CharlieB30 · 23/09/2013 22:58

I'm devastated.

I posted a thread a few days ago about our lack of sex and Dp not wanting to put it on me. After a row and a talk he has admitted he wants to be single and has wondered what it would be like with someone else.

We've been together 4yrs and our DS is 4 months. We've had our problems and he's no where near the perfect man but I thought we could get thru them and I never wanted to break up. I'm really hurt. The fact that he wants to be single has put as end to the relationship, even if he decides to try and make it work he'll surely cheat on me if he had the opportunity?

I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
clam · 23/09/2013 23:03

Oh dear. I'm afraid I'm wondering if it's not that he wants to be single, nor that he's "wondering what it would be like with someone else," but that he's already earmarked that "someone else."
Is this possible, do you think?

TVTonight · 23/09/2013 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharlieB30 · 24/09/2013 04:35

I trust him and I don't think he has been cheating on me but I would've be surprised if he has his eye on someone.

OP posts:
CharlieB30 · 24/09/2013 04:36

*wouldn't

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/09/2013 07:42

So sorry. :(

But, yes, send him off asap.

I wonder about people who say they want to be single, though.
Why not just break up and go?
It sounds more like he wants to keep the status quo but without the responsibility. I.e. that you try and fight for him and let him lead the single's life.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2013 08:37

My guess would be that he already has someone else. Ime very few people walk outof a relationship like this without a warm bed to go to. Sorry Hmm it's shit.

Like the others said, pack his bags and send him on his way.

Sorry you've got up face this xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 08:53

Sorry it's over. It's horrible, especially when you've got such a small baby together and I'm also fairly certain that he's moved onto someone else. Do you have friends or family that you can be with? Have you told him to leave?

katykuns · 24/09/2013 09:16

I remember your other thread. I'm so sorry this is what it's come to. The things he has said combined with the refusal for sex would give me big warning signs with regards to an affair. I hope this isn't the case. You were trying your best to fix things before you found out about this, I think you will have to ask for him to leave. How awful for you x

CharlieB30 · 24/09/2013 09:20

I've woken up hoping it was a bad dream.

Neither of us have family's with spare rooms. I'd rather be the one to go as we moved near his family and my family are the other side if the city. But with only smp as my income I don't have any choice. Our flat is in his name so I don't think he would move out? He's got nowhere to go.

I'm so fucking angry that he's such a 'man' and doesn't even wanna try!!! DS is only 4 months and he's not even thinking about a family unit for him or what his relationship will be like. He won't see him everyday and (very eventually) an other man will spend more time with him than his dad. He hasn't even given me a chance to get back to how I was before pregnancy.

He's such a dick. I really hate him for doing this

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2013 10:23

If you're not married, if the flat isn't in your name and if he's not prepared to leave then you're going to need some help getting yourself and your baby housed. You're quite right to be FURIOUS at someone so uncaring that they let you have their child, move you away from home, wait until you can't support yourself and then decide to ditch you like yesterday's chips.

Do talk to your family because, even if they don't have a spare room, they will support you and help you make a fresh start. Talk to your council about accommodation. Also talk to a lawyer because, even if he can't be with your DS every day, he'll have to support him financially for a long, long time. Good luck

JohFlow · 24/09/2013 10:40

So sorry OP. How hurtful to hear those words in your current situation. I think you are entitled to feel frustrated and angry. Please be reassured that things will eventually get better.

If 'I want to be single' is the only explanation you have had; I think you deserve more detail (in a while and when you are feeling brave). I would ask why he thinks a single life is preferable to what you have. i would also make sure that he knows that his decision is irreversible and deserves careful consideration.

I would also make sure that he is very aware that he should still be dedicated and involved in his daughter's life. I follow what Cogito says in that it is worth checking into a free legal advice clinic and CMoptions (the CSA) to ensure that the family finances are sorted and your daughter has maintenance.

If his decision is final. Then you have to respect that - and yes it is an arse! Sounds like a cowards way out to me. Make sure that you have all the support that you can get and secure a new life with your daughter.

cubedmelon · 24/09/2013 13:11

I know it doesn't feel like it but you will look back on this one day and be happy that you aren't stuck in a loveless relationship with a selfish arse.

Everything is an opportunity, even the shit bits of life, this is your opportunity. If hes speaking like this now, its a matter of time before he cheated. You really are better off without him and in time you'll realise that.

Stay strong and I hope your family can help you, even if its just emotional support.

Lots of love and im sorry this is happening.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2013 19:38

He has no family with a spare room? Tough! He will have to sleep in the settee / floor then won't he? See how much he likes single life then eh? Selfish cock

CharlieB30 · 25/09/2013 05:02

Thank you all so much for your replies and for your support.

It's been such an emotional time and a real shock to the system! Dp and I have done a lot if talking and he has admitted he doesn't want to be single abs regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, he talked about the realisation of having a young baby and all it comes with. What he misses - me and him as a couple and the spark that bought us together in the first place. I sat and listened and let him speak and it was good to hear him get things off his chest. It is the cliche of what is norm in a relationship after a baby and how hard it is.

I t

OP posts:
CharlieB30 · 25/09/2013 05:16

Sorry wasn't finished! Excuse bad spelling didn't get to spellcheck!

I got things off my chest too! Think before you speak, those words were hurtful. I trust him and I believe that those words were untrue but a knee jerk reaction. He has said he loves me very much and is not ready to walk away, we've both promised to make more effort. (Him - suppoting me at home Me - ditching the nighties!!) We've got his mum to babysit for a night out on pay day.

This won't happen overnight but the realisation of breaking up has shocked us both into appreciating eachother and wanting to get our relationship back.

Thanks again for all your kind words and advice.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 06:23

Be very careful.... Someone who lobs serious things like 'I want to be single' into the conversation is manipulating your reaction and it's a pretty low trick. Making you so frightened he'll leave that you 'shape up' and be a better girlfriend. Does 'ditching the nighties' mean you've not been putting out enough since giving birth? All this is because he wants more sex? Hmm Sorry... but I think you've been the victim of some emotional blackmail and you've given in far too quickly.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 25/09/2013 06:32

You have to put more effort into sec when you have a 4 month old? When you're also deprived and exhausted? Plus I don't know about you but I didn't have any stitches and tearing and it took almost a year for my vagina to stop hurting. I didn't read your first thread but I think he's a pig for making sex an issue when you've just had a baby. He's just blackmailed you into daily shagging and the relaxed lifestyle you had pre-baby. You will kill yourself trying to recreate that. We look back with fondness on the memories we have of the early days of our relationship. But we have a baby now. It's not going to happen. Your bloke needs to accept that and love his new life. Or just go away.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2013 06:43

Another example of selfish, entitled man throws bomb into relationship because he thinks he isn't getting enough attention.....and gets rewarded for it

OP, you need to think very carefully about what this man has shown you here

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2013 06:53

"It is the cliche of what is norm in a relationship after a baby and how hard it is. "

It may be the norm for people to find it tough to adjust to life after a new baby but his behaviour and reaction is emphatically NOT the norm. Most couples are capable of saying they are finding it tough without resorting to threats to split up in a way so serious that the partner is angry, anxious, frightened, upset, wondering where she's going to live with a small baby, posting on a help website etc. Just read your earlier posts. You were devastated.

If he ever pulls a similar stunt, pack his bag. He's a cruel man and what he'll take from this little episode is 'if I threaten to leave she'll be so pathetically grateful I'm staying, she'll do whatever I like'.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 25/09/2013 06:58

Agree with AF and Cogito

karinmaria · 25/09/2013 07:33

I have a six month old baby and had stitches after giving birth. My DH and I have had sex four times since DS arrived! He's never complained or said anything which might upset me about it. He has mentioned sometimes feeling left out and we came to the mutual decision to stop co-sleeping so we could have cuddles. His caveat on this was if DS did not sleep well by himself we would resume co-sleeping. Yes things are very different now but DH would never dream of putting pressure on me or making me make more effort for sex when I'm up a few times a night.

My point is, your P should be supporting you as a mother and partner. He should be putting you and your baby first, not thinking with his dick and threatening you with breaking up. His behaviour is awful and he needs to be the one making lots of effort to make your relationship better after comments like 'I want to be single'.

I don't think you have heard the last of this argument and not trust him as far as I could throw him if I were you.

davidtennantsmistress · 25/09/2013 08:12

Agree with Karin, I understand what both of you are saying, I've not read your other threads, however this man child needs to man up and understand having a baby is life changing, xh and I didn't baby proof our relationship and it suffered, other things as well though, dp and I did better but all relationships will suffer the first year is hard work, bloody hard work, neither of you should be making any rash decisions about things.

We all miss the couple time pre baby but you have to adapt and work together to find a solution, no ultimatums or tantrums.

And you can't just slip back into having sex, it's not as simple, you need to work up to it, for gods sake, start of holding hands on the sofa or a cuddle. If he's in pop out for a coffee when little one has a nap in his pram, the amount of times we did that and sat with a paper to read in the arly days, just having a conversation.

I'm lucky do is amazing as a dad and does a lot, how much does your dp do? From the sounds of things not an awful lot, he needs to understand to put more effort in then, to give you time off, to allow you to remember you're a woman not just a mums partner is a vital thing, when's the last time he looked after the mini one so you could have your hair done? And if it's a case you're fb still, you can feed have your hair cut, and he can potter around in the local area, incase you're not finished for the next feed being due.

Please don't take this all on your own head to fix, you can't. He has to understand he is not the center of the world any more, the amazing little person you have created is. And to be quite honest he should damn well be showing you every single day he can that he thinks you're the most important person second to your child, as after all without you there would be no child, does that make sense. Hope it does anyhow.

perfectstorm · 25/09/2013 08:23

I'm afraid I agree with the others. Babies do tend to throw hand grenades into relationships but at 4 months, your baby takes every spare scrap of love and energy and time you have. If you dedicate what's left to ensuring this man feels appreciated, what do you have over?

You need support in this stage, and tough as it undoubtedly is on him, the idea you need to be a sparkly, sexy gf 4 months after birth is a bit worrying. That side of things tends to come when the baby is sleeping better and less overwhelmingly needy, for most of us.

I hope he understands that the weight of a new baby he finds so crushing is doubly so for you... and that you need his support in shouldering it. Most relationships suffer in this year of new parenthood, and focusing on one another now and then is great. Trying to keep him happy at all costs while also meeting the baby's needs is a route to a nervous breakdown. I hope your approach is the former. Good luck. xx

perfectstorm · 25/09/2013 08:26

Oh, and if he owns the flat and you pay towards it and have a baby together and aren't married... why is your name not on the deeds? You're a family, why is he holding all the financial power/cards? You make yourself very vulnerable when you have a baby with someone you aren't married to when they alone own the property. And you make the baby vulnerable, too. I think you need to get your name on the deeds, and if he refuses, ask why not? I take it your wages have been subsidising his mortgage (which, incidentally, does give you some claim to a share).

Vivacia · 25/09/2013 08:43

He has said he loves me very much and is not ready to walk away

Were those last words the words he used? "Not ready to walk away" sounds an odd turn of phrase for someone in a loving, committed relationship.