DH has said he wants a divorce

[NeverHadANickname]

DH got very drunk at a family event and after being with another woman all night rather than talking to me and her all over him a couple of family members told him he was out of order. While still drunk he told me none of my family like him (which is not true, they were just looking out for me) and the easiest way for him to deal with that was for us to get a divorce. I thought he'd realise it was stupid the next morning but he said the same thing although he to me still looked a bit drunk. Once he'd slept some more we spent the afternoon together as planned watching films on the settee with nibbles. Before I went to bed I told him I loved him and after a few seconds thought he said it too.

I don't know if he's just going along with the situation for now or if he is genuinely trying to see how things go. I suggested couples counselling but he's not much of a talker anyway. He said I make him feel small sometimes which I don't mean to do but I snap at him sometimes if he does something wrong which to me would be common sense.

I'm back at work this morning with him still at home, he's at work tomorrow and I've cried all morning because I didn't want to come to work. Will he be there when I get back? Should I have stayed at home to talk to him? He does like time on his own though so maybe if we get into the swing of life how it normally is he'll realise it's worth working hard for?

I've probably missed loads out I should have said so as not to drip feed but I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I don't want to tell anyone in real life what's going on and I can't really go home from work now, I have loads to do. I might go home at dinner time. I might not get chance to reply until dinner time or tonight so thanks for any replys, I really just wanted to get it out, and sorry for any spelling mistakes.

And don't be all relieved, affectionate or have lots of reconciliation sex tonight.

He is the one who now needs to be on his toes for a bit.

Search for some of my old threads if you want to see how this can pan out. We are in a better place now, but the future is still not entirely certain.

Well done, OP. Thank God you found your spirit. Now remember how he made you feel, both at the party and afterwards. Then how he thought you would simply STFU about it, and only apologised when he realised you were not rolling over like he thought you would.

This not a pattern of behaviour you want to tolerate. One more strike, he should have bags packed for good.

Thanks everyone. I haven't spoke to him much tonight and I'm in bed now, I'm really tired. He'll probably come and see me when he's ironed his shirt for tomorrow so if he does I'll tell him he needs to apologise to one relative I'm close to and that this has been his first and last chance after he's done somehing like this. Next time if he wants a divorce he can leave the same day.

I'm sorry I'm not responding to people individually, I'll see if I've missed any questions tomorrow when I'm on a computer and thinking better.

Just look after yourself, love. You don't need to reply individually x

All this has deftly diverted attention away from his behaviour at the function though, hasn't it?

You did well calling his bluff, but that's probably all it was to put a wall of smoke up and deflect questioning about his behaviour. My first thought was that if he could humiliate you with other women in front of you, what does he do when you're not there?

"My first thought was that if he could humiliate you with other women in front of you, what does he do when you're not there?"

That was my first thought too.

Don't let him off the hook for his behaviour that night.

It must have been shocking if your family felt the need to step in.

hope you get a good night sleep OP and go with your gut. don't give in to him and put up with this if you want to discuss it more with him then do. I wouldn't get him to apologise to someone else either. Concentrate on the fact that you husband spent all evening with another woman and then threatened divorce when you complained. I don't think this should be forgotten.

I won't be ignoring what he did, he doesn't like talking about things but thats tough. He had to be out for work before I was awake this morning but I'll see him for a bit tonight.

I did consider how he behaves when I'm not there so will be asking him about that too.

Morning, hope you manage a good dayxx

No probs if he doesn't like talking. Write it all down in a sealed envelope for him or in an email. All the points you're not happy with and what has to stop. All the things that need improving and all the things you want and expect if there is to be a future.

Be clear about the consequences if he doesn't follow through and most importantly, stick to it.

Be as detached and business like as possible.

Then text or email him a time and a place for a meeting. Do not give him an opportunity to wriggle out of it or not turn up, or if he does, have consequences.

It sound as if he gets rather childish and paranoid when drunk, so confront this and make it clear in your letter/email how this makes you feel.

He needs to start taking more responsibility for his actions and if you are clear what the consequences are going to be and follow through you will win the respect you deserve.

I would also contact all your family members and ask them for their honest opinion of your dh and his behaviour esp towards you and jot it all down as dispassionately as possible.

If you take control of the situation you will be in a better position to be able to learn from it as it will uncover how your behaviour has enabled him, to a degree, to be like that.

His response to this plan of action will give you all the information you need to know to see what is left to salvage from this grossly unequal relationship.

Good luck x

4poster, agree with a lot you said but wouldn't advise bringing in others opinions - we can all find people for and against us, It is between OP and her H, he already thinks that her family are against him having a list in writing of all their bitches won't help. it will just lead to a 'he said-she said' argument.

I don't think you need to labour this, actually. As long as he knows he's in the last chance saloon and is taking you seriously, you've made your point. However, now that you've taken control and made the threat, you have to be prepared to follow through... otherwise you'd be no better than him

Well done op x

Do you need to talk much about it?

I'd see it more of a if you ever behave like that again (one of: woman at party, rude to relatives, divorce talk), you're out.

This is where we differ I suppose, he likes to just leave things so as long as he knows where I stand he'll probably just leave it like that. I always like to talk through things.

I will write stuff down, either give it to him or talk it through once then leave it from there.

I know all of my relatives like him, they always have but they were shocked by his behaviour and we are all quite close so they stood up for me. They'll all go back to accepting him and liking him but I don't know if he can go back to how it was. I think he felt like they ganged up on him but I wouldn't expect any less to happen to me if I'd behaved like that.

I do think sometimes we need to let go a bit of the need to talk things through in great detail.
He may welcome a shorter conversation, just as long as you both know where you stand and no issue is skirted.

How you doing?

What Lweji said above. You've made your point very well IMO, it's his job now to show it's sunk in.

I don't think 4posterbed is trying to help, I think her post is unkind and self righteous. A perfect example of kicking someone when they're down.

Life isn't black & white, emotions aren't easy things to control. That's being human!

Be back later op after school run.

Neverhadanickname, sorry for your relationship troubles.

Agree with the general sentiment on here that you need to show him that you will not accept this behaviour. That he has crossed a line.

It's the hardest thing to do, but if you are ever to be happy in this relationship (or out of it) you need to tell him to leave.

I do think he is playing mind games.

If you ask someone for a divorce the the consequence should be that you leave.

He is showing disregard for your feelings and not showing love for you right now. So, as tough as it is, you need to act with self respect & say 'OK, if that's what you want then so be it, I deserve someone who loves & respects me and that's not you right now, so leave'

Then leave the ball in his court.

You can bet he'll change his tactics pretty fast.

What an arsehole!

Love it when ops post on here woeful tales of their mentally and/or physically cruel dps/dhs but as soon as posters reply trying to help the ops then get very defensive about how fabulous their dps/dhs are!

4Posterbed I'm not surprised really. People come on here upset and wanting to offload (about one incident that may or may not be a pattern of behaviour), and within minutes they are told their relationsip is crap and to LTB. I expect it's a bit of a shock and they need time to take it in. I know my instant reaction to being told to dump someone I still have feelings for would be the urge to keep hold of what I love and know. Besides, even if leaving the relationship is the best thing to do (according to people not actually involved in it), the hurt party still needs time to make that huge decision themselves.

We're tryin to move past it now. I've told him how I feel and that he won't get another chance. It's hard because we're both back to working long hours so won't see each other much. Previously we'd been trying to go for breakfast before work etc to see each other so we'll see how he suggests getting back to that.

Thanks again for the messages.

Well, I hope things go the way you want OP. Relationships are very difficult at times. Often you feel like the person closest to you is actually the person furthest away from you.