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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has said he wants a divorce

73 replies

NeverHadANickname · 23/09/2013 08:44

DH got very drunk at a family event and after being with another woman all night rather than talking to me and her all over him a couple of family members told him he was out of order. While still drunk he told me none of my family like him (which is not true, they were just looking out for me) and the easiest way for him to deal with that was for us to get a divorce. I thought he'd realise it was stupid the next morning but he said the same thing although he to me still looked a bit drunk. Once he'd slept some more we spent the afternoon together as planned watching films on the settee with nibbles. Before I went to bed I told him I loved him and after a few seconds thought he said it too.

I don't know if he's just going along with the situation for now or if he is genuinely trying to see how things go. I suggested couples counselling but he's not much of a talker anyway. He said I make him feel small sometimes which I don't mean to do but I snap at him sometimes if he does something wrong which to me would be common sense.

I'm back at work this morning with him still at home, he's at work tomorrow and I've cried all morning because I didn't want to come to work. Will he be there when I get back? Should I have stayed at home to talk to him? He does like time on his own though so maybe if we get into the swing of life how it normally is he'll realise it's worth working hard for?

I've probably missed loads out I should have said so as not to drip feed but I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I don't want to tell anyone in real life what's going on and I can't really go home from work now, I have loads to do. I might go home at dinner time. I might not get chance to reply until dinner time or tonight so thanks for any replys, I really just wanted to get it out, and sorry for any spelling mistakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverHadANickname · 23/09/2013 11:07

I think I was in shock yesterday, didn't really know what to do. I'm not normally passive, quite the opposite but I can see mow I am with him.

I think I'm struggling so much because it was out of character so I just went along with what we had planned for the day. I could tell you what our relationship has been like since we got together but I don't want to sound like I'm making bigging him up.

I don't really know how to respond here.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/09/2013 11:08

Right, he behaved very unreasonably and then threw the divorce thing at you.
It does sound like a diversion tactic so that you stop complaining about what happened.
And why only now mention how "little" you make him feel?

I don't think I'd pack his things, but I'd certainly continue to confront him about his behaviour with this other woman and if that's how he really feels about you, then he should leave.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 23/09/2013 11:10

even if he's been amazing from day 1 up until now (which I slightly doubt), it's still a very crap thing of him to do.

Can see how you might've not quite registered it the day after though. I just hope you're registering it now.

Original poster
NeverHadANickname · 23/09/2013 11:12

We don't usually argue, only about housework which we both hate. The only decisions we've made have been about decorating the house and its all been done my way. We discuss in advance what needs doing and how I want it an if he would prefer something else. He doesn't do anythig to get his own way if you know what I mean, he never wants to do anythig I disagree with so its never been an issue.

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 23/09/2013 11:25

You can't drop the D bomb without intending it to have an impact on your relationship. Because from now on, everything is conditional - you thought that you were secure, nurtured, happy. Now the ground is wobbly. He needs to make it up to you and fast, but the only way is to CALL HIS BLUFF.

I have had a similar situation and one positive thing I did was to keep my cool and say something along the lines of: 'Ok, well if you really feel that way then maybe it is better for us to begin talking about arrangements for separation'. He backtracked, but the uncertainty is still with me now. :(
You don't have children and there is no reason for you to put up with this kind of bollocks.

Go home a bit early and do something - it hardly matters what. Cases, bags, start sorting your CDs into two piles... Fundamentally you need to remind him of what he said and call his bluff on it. Be cool, calm, businesslike and a bit cold.

If he says 'oh I didn't mean it' then he owes you a huge and grovelling apology.

Lweji · 23/09/2013 11:25

And how is housework resolved, btw?

Original poster
NeverHadANickname · 23/09/2013 11:31

We both say we'll make an effort with housework then we both work long hours and it gets on top of us again. I'm doing most of it at the moment because he's working 7 days a week but when he gets a day off he'll do it too.

I'm going home at dinner time so I'll say then about him leaving and us seperating. Give him the afternoon to sort stuff.

OP posts:
Solo · 23/09/2013 11:35

IME, if they've said it once ~ even if they stay they will either go another time anyway or they will stray.

You should definitely call his bluff or better still, call the shots and divorce him; find yourself someone that deserves you...or find yourself which is what I did.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2013 11:36

There's clearly some resentment bubbling. He blames you for something. You say you got together young. Does he feel like you've curtailed his freedom? Is that why he got pissed, started chatting up women and suggested divorce... marriage cramping his style is it? House decorating IME is not something a lot of (straight) men get too exercised about. Like I say... when you're young, childless and there are no stresses on a relationship, it's easy to think that you get along great.

Kaluki · 23/09/2013 11:40

The divorce thing is throwing a smokescreen over the real issue which is his blatant disrespect for you at the party.
If my DP behaved like that it would be ME ending things!
I agree with the others that you should go home and get out his cases and tell him that you agree with him, a separation is a good idea to give him time to think about his behaviour and whether or not he wants to be married to you or to behave like a twat single bloke and dribble over hang around other women at parties.
I bet any money he will soon change his tune when he realises you won't put up with shit like this.

4posterbed · 23/09/2013 11:42

I am glad you find my post patronising and hurtful as it may be the spark or dig you need, about the only bit of spark you've shown so far op. Of course the bulk of the housework has been left for you, no surprises there, unfortunately only a doormat would tolerate that.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2013 11:56

4pposter is absolutely right, OP, I am sorry to say

Kaluki · 23/09/2013 12:07

Maybe she was a little brutal but I do agree with 4poster too.
I wouldn't put up with it OP. It's just disrespectful and hurtful.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2013 12:10

You can bet your last penny there were a lot of people at that party wondering why you would put up with such disrespect too

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 23/09/2013 13:12

I would have also called his bluff.

Original poster
NeverHadANickname · 23/09/2013 13:55

When I was on my way home my eyes kept filling with tears and I couldn't catch my breath, it felt like my ribs were tightening and I couldn't breathe. I got home though and sorted myself some dinner and when he came in to see me I told him that he had better pack his stuff this afternoon and think about where he'd live so he could move out. He asked why so I said that's what happens when people get divorced. He asked if I was still thinking about that which I said of course I was, my whole life is about to change. He said he didn't want a divorce, he only said it because he was drunk. I said he'd said it the next morning too and he said he was still drunk which I thought he was. He appologised and then I had to come back to work.

He probably thinks that's it now but I don't feel like it is. If I still feel like this in a day or two I might stay somewhere else for a few days which will actually be better for me because I'll be closer to work, see how he likes me leaving. I definately want some distance for a while. I also need him to appologise to 1 person in particular who he says he can't remember talking to.

Thanks for all of the support, hard though it was to read I don't think I'd have said what I did without all of your help. I think I thought I could just forget he'd said it and nothing would happen, I felt like if I said anything he'd remember he didn't want to be with me. I feel a lot stronger now although still not as strong as I'd like, thank you.

OP posts:
Xales · 23/09/2013 14:48

You need to sit with him and tell him clearly that threatening he wants a divorce when pulled up on shitty behaviour is not on. If he does it again he better have his bags packed and be on the way out of the door.

Otherwise he will do this every time he acts shitty to hurt you and get you off his back.

When I was on my way home my eyes kept filling with tears and I couldn't catch my breath, it felt like my ribs were tightening and I couldn't breathe Not an acceptable way of living. Done deliberately. Drink is an excuse not a reason.

4posterbed · 23/09/2013 14:49

Have goosebumps op, you have been unbelievably strong. We all want the best for you and it might help if you write down what you would consider a good marriage to be and what qualities you would expect in your huband and go from there.

How dare he treat you so badly, sounds as if he has been getting away with it for years. Cannot believe you both work full time and yet only you get to do the lion's share of the household tasks too. Annd get belittled, humiliated in public and are not cared for or respected.

He sounds incredibly selfish and self centred. Draw up new guidelines if you want to keep him and keep a journal so you can jot how you feel and what he does/does not do in a measured way (and keep posting!) so that you can keep control of the situation.

For the record my dh does loads for me, make cups of tea daily, gives me massages, cooks lovely dinners etc. I take zero tolerance of crap from anyone and op please, you will be so much happier if you did the same x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2013 14:52

Well done for calling his bluff. Also glad you're thinking more deeply about all of this rather than being fobbed off with 'I was drunk' and a quick apology. Never be taken for granted.

catameringue · 23/09/2013 14:59

Well done op.

It's terrifying and you are brave to ignore the desire to gloss over things and actually sort this out. You will have more self respect in the long run this way.

He clearly has no understanding of the impact of his actions on you. Time for you to show him.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2013 15:07

He works 7 days a week!??
Why? What does he do?
Is it all day on the Saturday and Sunday?
When do you ever get time together?
My OH works half day Saturdays and sometimes Sundays and has his kids on a Sunday too but he still does things for me.
I always get a cup of tea in bed in the morning.
I get at least 2 massages a week.
He always clears away after dinner. Loads dishwasher and does any washing up that needs doing.
Runs most of the baths we have.
Does his own washing and ironing.
Does heaps around the house too! Very handy man!
Well, writing that down, I sound quite lucky.
I also work 6 days a week by the way.
But you shouldn't be doing all the housework - he doesn't work 24/7 now does he???
If you feel as though you need a few days away - then pack a bag tonight and have a few days away from it all.
He will realise what it is to not have you around and you can make it very clear - that it's just for a few days to get your head around things. i.e. what made him want to chat up another woman all night and leave you to watch it unfold and feel majorly uncomfortable with the whole thing and then to not even apologise.

KatieScarlett2833 · 23/09/2013 16:02

Well done OP and don't let him brush this under the carpet.
I think your idea of staying away for a few days is a good one, let him panic for a change Smile

BalloonSlayer · 23/09/2013 16:05

Ooh fab, well done Never

But just remember: he thought he could get you to shut up, stop demanding decent behaviour from him and start accepting him chatting to other women all evening by threatening divorce. He thought you would be so upset you'd put up with anything, anything in order not to lose him. And until you posted on here for advice, that was exactly what was happening.

You've put the wind up him good and proper. Don't blow your advantage . . .

Lweji · 23/09/2013 16:20

In addition to the divorce comments (2!) also don't forget his behaviour at the party.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/09/2013 16:23

I think it's revealing that he only apologised for his offensive behaviour after you seemed to be kicking him out and not at an earlier stage. He can dish it out but he can't take it.... Remember that.