My fucking mother says she's going to gatecrash my day's funeral.

[VivaLeThrustBadger]

She is a toxic witch at the best of times but this really takes the biscuit.

My parents have been divorced for five years after she cheated on him. She treated him like shit before the divorce and they haven't been in touch for the last five.

My dad has remarried and is currently very ill, weeks to live situation.

As a courtesy I told my mum last night.

Her words to me last night were "what's my role going to be"

I said to her that she has no role. She said that she'd want to come to the funeral. I told her I didn't think that was very fair on my step mum and it wasn't going to happen. She said to me that she'd been married to my dad for 40 years and people would expect her to be there, etc. I told her I didn't want to discuss it and finished the conversation.

My brothers just rung. She's been on the phone to him.

She says she's coming to the funeral regardless of what we say. It's a public service and we can't stop her. My brothers pointed out that my dad probably wouldn't want her there and she said she doesn't care. She says that she'd like to sit at the front

And also that as she has experience of reading a eulogy at a funeral perhaps we'd like her to read the eulogy.

I don't know how my brother has kept his temper, really don't.

She's said to my brother that she's worried what people will think if she doesn't go.

I knew she would want my dad dying to be all about her. She's now wanting the opportunity to play the role of grieving widow and wants all the attention. It will be killing her to not be involved in this.

There's no way I want my step mum been upset by my mother been sat there. I don't want to be upset by her been there.

I'm going to tell her that if she insists on coming as far as I'm concerned it will be the end of our relationship. This is hard enough already without her doing this.

I can't actually stop her from coming though can I?

And I can't believe she's been insensitive enough to be talking about this before he's even died. She's upsetting me now when I'm already going through hell. But as usual she doesn't care about anyone but herself.

Dad's funeral not days funeral

Sorry you're having to deal with all this :( sending you hugs.

I have no advice to offer but hopefully someone who can be more helpful will be along soon x

I have no idea how you can get through to her - any extended family that may be able to?

Crikey. The poor man isn't dead.

I am so sorry to hear about you Dad.
My mother is also a toxic witch and when my father died last year and I was upset she asked me "What are you so upset about?" Looking back it's hilarious really.
Will the extended family tell toxic mum the funeral details? Can you keep it secret from her, or tell her the wrong church/crem/time? You can always explain it away after as being due to your grief.
If not, then you can issue your ultimatum but if she is the boundary busting nightmare I suspect she is, you could have a royal battle on your hands.
Maybe the time has come to go NC with her if she shows zero respect for you at this of all times?

You can't and shouldn't stop her being there. Tell your stepmother that she's coming along so that it's not a shock. If DM makes a scene she can be escorted off the premises. Otherwise, you may be surprised and she may behave better than you expect.

With attention-seekers the best solution is to ignore them.

Surely it can be a private funeral and then she couldn't go?

Sorry you're having to deal with this unnecessary upset at this sad time.
Is there another family member (her sibling maybe) who might be able to talk her out of it?

oh good Lord, how horrible and self-centred is she?! Staggering.

I'm sorry your Dad is so ill. Last thing you, your Step-Mother and brother need is this narcissist trying to make it all about her, before the poor man has even breathed his last. That's just unspeakably awful.

sorry for your dad.

Don't tell her when he has gone until after the funeral?

Or can you give her the wrong day for the funeral?

Or have a strong friend who won't take any shit to keep her out.

Do you have to tell her when the funeral is? Or could you sidestep the whole issue by not telling her until afterwards?

I am so sorry that you are having all this extra stress at a very painful time.

She would know which church the funeral will be at as they're both active members at this church. Funerals are listed in the church so she can find out even if we don't tell her when the funeral is.

Other option is not to tell her he's died but I would imagine she would find out through the other church goers very quickly. My dad used to work at the church so people know him in the community.

She seems focussed on What People Will Think, so i'd use that tack against her.

Maybe spin it that people will think she never got over him dumping her and never moved on. Something like that. That sounds terribly teenage - sorry - but you can adapt it to suit, and anyway teenage sounds like the right emotional level.

Sorry to hear about your Dad. A horrible time, without dealing with this nonsense too.

Could you ask the vicar (or whoever is the equivalent of a vicar) for advice?

There's no extended family members.

All my aunts, uncles, grandparents have died already.

poor you. and your poor Dad what an awful situation.

not sure what to say.

So sorry to hear about your ddad.

My advice is to devote yourself entirely to him and your stepmum for now.

Push thoughts of your mother out of your mind - give them no time, because otherwise you will be wasting all the energy that you should be devoting elsewhere right now.

Your mum is right - you can't stop her from coming to the funeral, so don't even try to. If she comes and makes a twat of herself then that is her lookout.

Do NOT get caught up in all her drama. There are other more important things going on right now.

Well she didn't worry what people would think when she had an affair and cheated on my dad.

She cares when it suits her, then. A lot of them are like that.

Mintyy gave good advice.

It just makes me so angry knowing that at his funeral which will be really hard for me anyway.....knowing that she'll be there against our wishes will just make it even worse.

She won't make a scene but she won't sit at the back and leave at the end either. She'll be wandering about after thanking people for coming, shaking he vicars hand, etc. ill just want to bloody slap her.

Is there anyone in the congregation you can get onside to make sure she behaves?

Can you and your brother sit down and explain to her how hurtful it would be and how difficult it will make an already difficult day for you both? Or could you speak to your priest/vicar and ask him/her to have a word?

What does the vicar say? I know wddings, christenings etc in chruch are public but do funerals have to be? Surely not. If it has to be in the church and she will inevitably find out, warn vicar and stepmum, fill up the front row early, ignore her as best you can, warn her in advance that she will not be welcome, will not be treated as part of the funeral party and will not be welcone at any event afterwards.

It sounds like my brothers already told her how hurtful it'll be. She says she's going to come regardless of whether we want her there or not.

I'll have to go and see the vicar and talk to him. I'm sure if I ask him he'll talk to her on Sunday but she's so pig headed she won't listen to him. She's never listened to anyone in her entire life.

Focus on your dad for now, babe. All this can be dealt with later. Don't let it cloud the time that you have.

FWIW I can see why your mum would want to be there - the history is there regardless of how it ended - but she should be very respectful, sit at the back and so on.

It sounds like she sets off all sorts of triggers for you, and this is a time which is so very hard, and emotionally difficult, so I think keeping communication to a minimum with her will be best. But however badly she may have behaved over the years, I think keeping her out of it entirely would also be cruel, and two wrongs don't make a right.

I think when the time comes, if they were together 40 years, then it would be okay for her to be there, but not to sit at the front or to do a eulogy. It was a long time, and she will probably need to feel she says goodbye, even if she messed it up at the end. And I think I can understand thinking about it already, but going into details is somewhat insensitive, unless it was your Dad himself bringing it up.

Is there anyone else you can ask (your brother, another relation, an old friend?) to say they will let her know when the funeral will be, but someone else will be doing a eulogy, and that your step mother will be sat at the front, and it will be inappropriate for her to sit there, too, and just state that it's not up for discussion? If possible, have someone else manage her. I don't know if that is possible.

It is a very difficult, stressful time for all concerned. It's so hard when you can't do anything to make it better for the one you love. Emotions get so magnified and it's difficult to be rational about some things, and I think it's because you feel so powerless about something you can't change at all (your Dad's illness.) It's really hard on everyone, so do take care of yourself as well as your Dad and stepmum. Try and remember to eat and exercise and look after yourself, so you're strong enough to support everyone else. I won't pretend it'll be alright, and it'll get better, because it won't, so I wish you all the strength you'll need to get through it all.

(I had a massive falling out with my mother around Dad's funeral, and some years later, disagreed with some stuff about Mum's funeral with my sister, and on the days, none of it really mattered, the thing was that people came together to remember the person who had died.)