My fucking mother says she's going to gatecrash my day's funeral.

[VivaLeThrustBadger]

She is a toxic witch at the best of times but this really takes the biscuit.

My parents have been divorced for five years after she cheated on him. She treated him like shit before the divorce and they haven't been in touch for the last five.

My dad has remarried and is currently very ill, weeks to live situation.

As a courtesy I told my mum last night.

Her words to me last night were "what's my role going to be"

I said to her that she has no role. She said that she'd want to come to the funeral. I told her I didn't think that was very fair on my step mum and it wasn't going to happen. She said to me that she'd been married to my dad for 40 years and people would expect her to be there, etc. I told her I didn't want to discuss it and finished the conversation.

My brothers just rung. She's been on the phone to him.

She says she's coming to the funeral regardless of what we say. It's a public service and we can't stop her. My brothers pointed out that my dad probably wouldn't want her there and she said she doesn't care. She says that she'd like to sit at the front

And also that as she has experience of reading a eulogy at a funeral perhaps we'd like her to read the eulogy.

I don't know how my brother has kept his temper, really don't.

She's said to my brother that she's worried what people will think if she doesn't go.

I knew she would want my dad dying to be all about her. She's now wanting the opportunity to play the role of grieving widow and wants all the attention. It will be killing her to not be involved in this.

There's no way I want my step mum been upset by my mother been sat there. I don't want to be upset by her been there.

I'm going to tell her that if she insists on coming as far as I'm concerned it will be the end of our relationship. This is hard enough already without her doing this.

I can't actually stop her from coming though can I?

And I can't believe she's been insensitive enough to be talking about this before he's even died. She's upsetting me now when I'm already going through hell. But as usual she doesn't care about anyone but herself.

I know you're right that I need to focus on my dad, step mum and myself.

Another reason why I'm so pissed off with her for giving me more shit to deal with when he hasn't even bloody died yet.

As I understand it, you can't stop her coming to the funeral if it is held in a church, as it is a public event. You can stop her sitting at the front. His wife (your step-mum) will be the lead mourner.

You can have a private funeral at a crematorium as you are hiring the venue and you can invite or exclude anyone.

You can also contact the police to advise them of a possible breach of the peace once you have made your decision.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this and also I'm sorry your Mother is a toxic witch.

You really do. Starting from now this minute, stop thinking about her. What will be will be in due course.

I'm so sorry about your Dad. And I agree with previous posters, now is the time to focus on the time with your Dad; and for you, your siblings and stepmum to be supporting one another. Don't let your mother's behaviour sour the time you have left with your father.

It sounds as though your mum cares more that she's the centre of attention than that people think well of her. The best thing you could do is just ignore the fact that she is metaphorically cartwheeling around, shouting and pulling faces, when you and your family just need peace with your dad. Try not to even give headspace to her demands.

When the time comes to make funeral arrangements, your best bet would probably be to ask the vicar to step in and have a word. Perhaps he could come up with some job that she could do which would keep her away from the mourning family group- giving out hymn books or something like that.

I really do feel for you, this is a hard enough time for you and your mother is being down right nasty and selfish.

Ok moving on funeral directors are very used to dealing with situations of this nature and keeping the peace and not letting the funeral turn into a mess. So please don't worry and when the time come your step mother brother and you can make arrangements and let the undertakers know what is happening and let them deal with your mother - it is what they are used to family rifts etc

Hopefully the three of you can pull together and hold each other up to get through this difficult time and also deal with your mother.

OP your mum must be a pretty horrible person for you to describe her as a "toxic witch." How sad that she behaves so insensitively. From what you say, she seems unable to think about anyone other than herself. As others have said, she's an attention seeker, so if you can, try to ignore her and just concentrate on spending precious time with your dad.

Oh bless you, this is so not what you need right now! Is there anyone you can delegate dealing with your mum on the day to? A friend or cousin maybe? When people say "if theres anything I can do" they mean it - take them up on it! Don't give her any head space at all.

I'm so sorry about your dad

I'm sorry about your Dad

I work at a crematorium and of the thousands of funerals I've seen, I've never seen anyone kick off or cause a scene.

Maybe the sombreness of the day will get through to your mother and she will behave herself.

I would push her out of your head and focus on your Dad in his last few weeks, make sure you say everything you have to and don't tell him anything that your toxic mother is doing or saying

Hope you are feeling that she is not important and you can carry on with no thought and contact with her.xx

I second what Notunder said. Get someone to run interference with her, or better still get a few someones. Neighbors, maybe, or spouses of friends.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

No advice I'm afraid but I am sorry you are having a tough time, made tougher by this selfish woman. Just focus on your dad and step mum for the immediate future. X

How about not announcing when his funeral will be ie like the local papers, and then not telling her. Hoping that way she will not attend.

It sounds like a pretty shit situation. But why on earth did you tell her? Surely it has nothing to do with her? And now you are getting wound up by her response. I think you didn't really need to create this drama, especially when you should be focusing on your dad.

I'm very sorry about your dad.

Your mum has said this now, before your dad has died and the funeral has even been arranged, because she wants you to focus on her instead of your dad. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing she has upset you and got your attention. I know if it were me I'd want to scream at her and put her in her place, but I suspect this would be exactly what she would like.

Although I would find it hard, I would follow Cogito and Minty's advice and let her come, be civil but give her as little attention as possible. I assume she is no longer on your dad's will so she will not actually be involved in making any of the arrangements. If she asks, just politely tell her it's in hand. If necessary, prime the funeral directors that she might try to take over but she is not a close family member anymore and she is to be dealt with civilly but little heed should actually be given. If they both attend the same church, hopefully the vicar knows about the background on how your mum and dad's relationship ended, and will deal with her appropriately.

The vicar and the funeral director will be your allies in this situation. They will work hard to prevent any disruption and to allow the funeral to proceed appropriately. Just be upfront with them about the situation.
Meanwhile I hope you are able to ignore your manipulative mother and spend time with your Dad and step mum.

Visit her the morning of the funeral. Make her something to eat/tea..add some laxatives. She'll be otherwise engaged and you'll be stress free.

More seriously, follow Mintyy's advice. (Don

Aah! Hadn't finished!
..
(Don't do the laxatives thing, in case she's on meds and it causes other problems).

Also perhaps just go NC between now and funeral as any communication will involve her ramping up the drama.

Viva

You were only being courteous and you have been well trained/conditioned by your toxic mother to tell all. Do not blame yourself.

I would enlist the assistance of both the funeral director and the priest in charge of the service here. Your mother can and should be prevented from sitting at the front. You certainly need to tell your stepmum that she wants to be there.

People who write she is attention seeking are only partly correct.
The more I read about your mother the more I am convinced she is a narcissist in terms of personality. She wants to make this day solely about her and her so called "grief". Your mother too has shown absolutely no empathy to or has ever listened to anyone else, again these are narcissistic traits. I would also suggest you read up on narcissistic mothers.

It is to my mind not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist.

Attila is spot on... I have a narcissist sister...

I don't think a funeral is a public event in England, actually. A wedding is because it's also a legal one, but a funeral and I think they can be private? I'd ask the funeral director about it, because if it can be a private affair then you can make sure she isn't there. And if you're inviting everyone you want to be there, as opposed to a public ad, then just tell her the wrong day - a day later, maybe. Easy mistake to make in the circumstances...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with her, on top of facing the prospect of losing your father.

Argh, sorry, I started replying last night and like an idiot didn't refresh.

I agree that the vicar and the funeral directors are your allies here. Sadly they'll be used to this sort of thing.

Again, I am so sorry you are facing this kind of loss, with this selfish and totally unnecessary drama on top.

I had this w/ my Mother when my Father died last year. She also left my Father after years of her continual infidelity. She was all about the drama. Eventually though she realised it would be very embarrassing for her if she did turn up because there would have been outright hostility towards her from various members of my Fathers family.

My Father was not a good Father though although his sudden illness and rapid decline was a shock. I am deeply sorry for what you are having to endure and hope that things resolve themselves.

The only thing you could do is tell her that she will be barred from entering and if she worries about what others will think, she ought to heed that. Not the most pleasant of things to have to threaten but sometimes necessary.

Viva - could you have a private funeral service, unnanounced to anyone at the church (so your mum doesn't get to hear about it), and follow that up with a memorial service that would be announced?

I am assuming you want the church members to know, because your dad was an active member, and they will want the chance to celebrate his life and mourn his death, and whilst this would mean they weren't at the funeral, they would still get that opportunity - and if you had previously had a small, private funeral, undisturbed by your mother's histrionics, you might feel better able to cope with her shit at the memorial.

I think she won't even bother coming in the end, instead what she's doing now is marring the last weeks you have with your dad.

Tell her you're not discussing a single thing with her, and that you will focus your time on your dad only.

Then do it. Stop feeding her, tell your DB to leave it too, don't answer the phone etc to her.

You don't need this poison around you.

I do now regret telling her how poorly my dad is. But she would have found out anyway via the church this weekend. My dad used to work there full time, step mum still does, mum volunteers there.

I just didnt want various people coming up to her on Sunday to talk to her about it and her not know about it.

She hasn't rung me about it (yet). My brother has told her if she doesn't abide by our wishes when it comes to her funeral he won't follow her (4 sides of a4) plans for her own funeral. He's told her we'll do something totally different with her and she won't be able to do anything as she'll be dead

Hopefully that will give her something to think about. I'm not going to discuss it with her. Once dad's died ill ask my step mum if she has any strong views one way or another. If she's not fussed I guess mum can come.....though I still find it odd that she'd want to. But if step mum will be upset by it or dad has said he doesn't want her there then ill tell her she's not to come.