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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need more friends.

49 replies

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 15:09

There. Said it.
I have a couple of close friends both living an hour or more away who I see now and then when we meet halfway, but they all have kids, dogs, elderly parents and work so it's all arranged like a military operation. I have about 3 other friends who I see now and then for coffee, again they don't live on the doorstep. My neighbour who is a good friend is not the sort to go out for coffee on the spur of the moment.
What I don't have are friends who can pop round. I had more friends but they have moved, fallen by the wayside, started work again and all kinds of stuff which means they are not available so much or at all.
DH is my best friend but he works away sometimes 2-3 days a week and last week I saw no one for 3 days (I work for myself at home) and felt really lonely. My parents live a long way away and my kids have left home.

I know my personality is partly to blame- I'm a bit shy, a bit introverted and when I do meet new people am frightened of rejection so tend to wait for them to make the first move into 'friendship' territory.

Any ideas?

I don't want to join 'groups' just to look for friends but can't see how else I can meet people.

OP posts:
MotherofBear · 21/09/2013 15:17

I am exactly like you, except I don't have any close friends at all. One friend I see maybe every 4-5 months, but we're not close. That's it. My two best friends dumped me when I stopped following the same religion as them, and I'm too shy and introverted and socially inept to make new actual friends, as opposed to acquaintances who ask me to take their kids to school.
Sorry I'm not being of any help whatsoever, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one and I'll be watching this thread for ideas myself Smile

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 15:20

I think you can only go the 'groups' route because you have to find something in common with people. The definition of group is pretty wide of course - a workplace, a charity, a special interest, sport activity. Best place I ever found for meeting new people was 'Ramblers'... hours walking about and finishing in a pub. Brilliant! What do you like doing that is sociable?

FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 17:02

It's quite a brave thing to say you need friends, but when I see threads like this especially from older people, I always wonder 'what happened along the way?'

No old school/uni/work friends? No friends you met through your children's schools? No current work friends (I see you work at home but usually there are clients/professional networks etc.)? No partners of your husbands' friends?

Was it just shyness and introversion that curtailed or prevented friendships through these sources, or something else? Are you, for example a good friend when you've got one? For example, I don't get on well with competitive types or people who are very appearance or status conscious, so I've tended to steer clear of people like that even if it's obvious they want friendship with me.

My suggestion would be to try to renew old friendships if it really was circumstances that caused them to wane. Apart from that, there really aren't many better ways to meet people other than through joining groups, volunteering and working.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 17:12

What happened along the way? Try 'life'... Hmm People move house, move jobs, get distracted with children, careers, elderly parents, illnesses etc. The thing you had in common when you met a particular friend might be long gone and, without it, you've nothing to bind you together. Time passes incredibly quickly and you find yourself writing another Christmas card that says 'we must meet up'.

I think it's offensive to suggest that the OP is a bad friend.

HongkongDreamer · 21/09/2013 17:47

Join 'meet up' there is loads of groups on there

FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 18:02

I wasn't suggesting the OP is a bad friend.

As for 'try life'. That happens to all of us. Virtually everyone I know of my age has children, a job, elderly parents and has moved house several times. That doesn't have to mean losing friendships or preventing you from making new ones. I just find it odd when people get to their forties or fifties and they've not got many friendships that have 'stuck'. All of my friends of my age have been the same as me; we've befriended people where ever we've spent time and while I agree that some friendships are only built for a season, most people I know have always stayed friends with at least one person from each stage of adult life especially. Although I agree that on MNet at least this appears to be unusual, but DH and I are still in very regular touch with our schoolfriends from over 30 years ago. This is our norm and is why I find it a bit odd when I see threads like this and wonder why, that's all.

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:10

What happened along the way?
Well, for starters I moved from my parents home town after uni, 350 miles away so lost contact with old school friends who either stayed there or moved around the country and world.

A very close friend I met at 19 moved overseas when we were both 25. We keep in touch and see each other now and then.

I then moved again when I got married- 100 miles from where I'd lived and worked as a singleton- so work colleagues and friends were left behind. I kept one friend- one of my oldest and 'best' friends who lives some way away but we meet in the 'middle' about every 2 months.

Once I had DCs I met a couple of mums I liked- they both relocated!
I started working again p/t and 2 good friends I kept a friendship going with for 10 years relocated.

I then changed jobs again ( but on a self-employed basis) and met a few people - one a good friend now and the rest who are what I'd call acquaintances ( they are self employed too)- we meet for a coffee every couple of months or so.

Add to this children, dogs, elderly and dying parents, work, ( some of mine and some of theirs) for all these middle aged friends and it's not always easy to see them as much as I'd like.

I'm not a great sociallite- I like to have a few really close friends but it would be great to have someone on hand for a coffee. or even be able to pop in and see my mum and dad without it being a 5 hour drive.....!

I'm a bit hesitant with potential friends as I like to have the house all tidy and be 'ready ' for them which is maybe not right.

DH is a complete loner- has no friends at all- and has brought no friends to our marriage. In fact he has lost one good friend simply through lack of effort. It's something that annoys me a little.

OP posts:
Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:13

Francesca maybe you have never moved from one end of the country to the next then back into the middle again? Or had friends whose jobs have taken them to new areas or continents? If this happens many times over it leaves a gap.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 21/09/2013 18:22

You have to work at friendships to keep communication and affection alive.

Friends need nurturing, feeding, watering and talking to.

Imagine a friend as a tomato plant.

I would stop tidying your house and start asking your aquaintances round for food and booze. If you don't drink yourself that's fine. But make sure you oil the cogs for people that do need a glass of wine or four to feel that Friday or Saturday has finally arrived.

And never expect an invitation back..that way lies madness. Just enjoy hosting, enjoy companionship, enjoy making whatever dish/cake is your delight and tasty speciality and offer it.

Invite people over.

Arrange things.

Put the shy introvert you into her box for these evenings.

If you still feel you're getting nowhere and finding nobody then fuck em. Buy some llamas.

FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 18:23

Thanks for explaining. It must be rough if your husband's a loner.

So what you're saying then is that it was just circumstances that caused you to lose touch with old friends and nothing else? If so, is there any mileage in trying to renew them now you've got a bit more time?

You're probably right you need to loosen up a bit about the house because honestly none of that stuff really matters and if it did matter to a friend, she just wouldn't be worth bothering with.

I know you want local friends, so aren't there any of the children's friends' parents still living in the area who you could befriend? Failing that, it really just leaves work and joining groups. What are you interested in? Any professional groups, or feminism/politics? Dog clubs? Do you play sport? What about volunteering? School governorship?

Your first step is either meeting people or reaching out to renew old acquaintanceships. But I suppose it must be a bit like dating, you've got to have quite a thick skin and be prepared for people not to 'fancy' you despite your overtures.

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:25

Don't mean to come over all defensive- but I didn't say I had no friends. I said I felt I needed more. I have 2-3 really close friends of 30+ years standing, and 3-4 'acquaintances' who are more recent friends. But some of the close friends live some distance away and other friends are either working full time (I'm not) tied with their kids (I'm not) and so on.

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 18:28

Sorry just seen your post. Yes I've worked in a few different countries and I've got several friends living abroad now. I live miles away from where I grew up too, as does DH. But we both made it a big priority to keep friendships going and in fairness, so have our friends.

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:30

It's odd- the newest 'friends' I've made all want to meet out of our houses in pubs or cafes. I asked one or two of them over and they said no ( they've never seen my house and don't know anything about it!) I wondered if this was because one of them is single, lives in a very small house and doesn't feel comfortable asking me round in return- which I wouldn't expect anyway.

My children's friends' parents are not an option- one was a close friend and she died from cancer. And my kids are now mid 20s so all that school gate stuff ended years ago.

I'm fully aware that friendships need nurturing- I DO have friends! I just want more closer at hand.

OP posts:
juneau · 21/09/2013 18:32

I've moved around a lot in my life and you have to put yourself out there or you'll sit at home, alone, as you are doing. Find out what groups are around in your area (if you're in a decent sized town or city you're bound to find quite a few things).

Just a few ideas: join or start a book club, walking, running, keep fit, yoga, bridge, choir, flower arranging, bell ringing, adult education classes, volunteering for a charity, mentoring in a school or being a reading volunteer, National Trust weekends where you meet others and do things like build dry-stone walls, maintain paths, etc.

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:34

It's great if you can keep old school friends. My 'problem' was that I was in a relationship from 17- 22 ish ( about to get married but we didn't in the end) so my then fiance was my best friend. I neglected potential girl friends- didn't need any- so there was no legacy other than 1 friend from school days and that was a tenuous link anyway.

OP posts:
maniclady · 21/09/2013 18:34

I feel exactly the same I lost all my friends when I moved at age 15 and developed bipolar I was left with one friend who stuck it out he and I are now very close and I see him two to three times a week. I had another close friend but he slept with me during a manic episode and that put a end to it. I have one other friend who I see every few weeks.

I am shy and scared of making friends because I have so many problems and don't handle rejection well. Just wanted you to know your not the only person who is lonely.

FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 18:35

Why do you want to meet them in your house anyway? You're ok with going to cafes or pubs presumably?

Sorry about your friend. What I meant was that I presumed your kids might still have their own childhood friends in the area and so the parents would still live there, or don't they keep in touch with schoolmates themselves?

What about clubs/ interests and volunteering then?

TheSecretOfTheNile · 21/09/2013 18:46

I need more friends too. I've moved around a lot, work long hours (but often in the evenings and weekends), have had my long term marriage break down, and have a long term illness which can flare up - earlier this year I was invited to a dinner party by a lovely person I've not known for long but had to cancel on the day as I was too ill. :( My closest friend lives on a different continent.

I'm very outgoing and extrovert, but as you can imagine, it's tough to make real friends with only limited free time and energy. My health is such that I genuinely have quite a bit less energy than the average person, so I need to spend it as wisely as I can, mostly on the dc and my job to keep a roof over our heads.

Sorry - that wasn't a very positive post! I am not a miserable person, but sometimes I do realise that I'm a bit lonely. I'm close to my work colleagues, and have some good friends whom I speak to on the phone, who live some way away - like the OP, it's local friends I would like more of.

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 18:46

They don't have to come to my house. I was trying to make an effort and move on from the slightly impersonal meet ups always in cafes or pubs, because in some ways you can't really know someone if you have never seen their home territory! My mum has masses of friends and when I was at home as a child had an open house policy- people always dropped by.

The friends I do have come from work pre-marriage, flat sharing when single, volunteering, work post-marriage, professional forums and networking connected with work, and neighbours.

I suppose what I am chewing over is I have got enough going on in my life to keep me busy and don't feel the need to get out and join in anything- but on the other hand I won't meet new people if I don't.
Sorry- not meaning to sound negative- I know the answer but I think I've only got the time to join something I really would enjoy rather than doing it for the sake of meeting people.

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 21/09/2013 18:50

Darn it, keep cross-posting. There's a bit of a pattern there isn't there? You said your DH was your best friend and you said your exF was too. Why did you think you didn't need girlfriends just because you were going out with someone?

Did you recreate that open house policy with your own kids, or did the anti-social DH/housepride get in the way?

I think you're right that there's no point joining an activity if you don't enjoy it, so what is it you would enjoy?

Unlikelyamazonian · 21/09/2013 19:02

Op, you write this: I think I've only got the time to join something I really would enjoy rather than doing it for the sake of meeting people.

And therein lies the problem. Unfortunately (and yes it is a bummer if you are shy or time-limited0 you have to join things you don't like precisely for the sake of meeting people.

I can't draw for toffee. I joined an art class. To meet someone..anyone (femaile friendship i mean). We all met once a week.

Out of 15 or so of us on the course I met one woman who struck a chord..vice versa.. we became good aquaintances..and are now really good friends.

One chance in fifteen is probably about the norm. You have simply got to stop saying you don't want to join in 'just for the sake of it'

Just for the sake of it is how you meet friends. Hmm

YoniBottsBumgina · 21/09/2013 20:13

I'm sort of in this position at the moment as I have just moved country and as I have a small child I feel I need a support network now - I don't want to wait and form friendships organically.

It is hard work. I have done it before. You can't just sit and wait for friends to magically accumulate. You have to almost "date" people, make an effort, seek out contact and then keep it going. It can be exhausting, it can be the last thing you want to do on a particular day but if you want to make the friends then you need to keep this up, for probably I would say 6 months or so before you start feeling the rewards from it, and then it takes about 2 years in my experience before you can call somebody a close friend.

So, pick a group, any group - in my opinion, the bigger the better because it increases the "pool" so you're more likely to find someone you get along with, although small ones can be better at forcing you to actually talk to the others rather than hiding away in a corner. Someone mentioned meetup.com which is actually very good - I found a good english-speaking meet up group on my local one, obviously this is pretty restricted to being abroad, but you may find something! You really have to decide if your motivation to join a group is for something to do for yourself, or to meet people. If you are just doing it to meet people, then a passing interest in the subject is enough.

Then, every time you speak to someone, try to remember their name, one thing about how they look and one piece of information they tell you, especially something about an ongoing situation is good. This means that next time you see them, you're more likely to be able to put the name to the face, and you can ask them "How's the new job going?" or whatever it was they told you.

After a few weeks, you will start to feel like you "know" some of them better than the others. This might be a good time to suggest meeting outside of the group, or ask/offer specific knowledge, like asking their recommendations for a restaurant/how to cook a particular food, offering to lend them a book or DVD, that kind of thing. Offer/ask to add them on facebook as soon as this seems relevant.

Then you just have to make the effort to go along to everything possible even if it seems like more than you would usually do, just for the opportunity to talk more with people and build relationships with you. Beware of latching too much onto the first person who is friendly to you as well. Often they are not the same person that you eventually end up being friends with, so keep your options open!

Once you've met up with people once or twice start inviting them out yourself, either out or over to yours. This can feel forced and awkward at first, remember, they aren't old friends you've known for years, you are "dating" them. You should always be yourself rather than trying to impress them or putting on any kind of false persona, but push yourself to do more meet ups etc than you usually would. It pays off :)

Lateseptember2013 · 21/09/2013 20:14

Francesca no I don't think 2 incidents years apart show a pattern. How I behaved at 17-22 is 30+ years back and I am not that person now- and have more sense I hope! Yes DH is my best friend- I think 99% of married people would say that- and I haven't avoided making friends because of him. I do have friends and I have had friends all my life. But at the moment I am short of those who live close at hand.

You asked about my children's friend's parents. My children don't live near me now. I was friendly with 3 school gate mums ( parents of my children's friends) - 2 relocated and 1 died of cancer. I didn't have close friendships with any other school gate mums.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 21/09/2013 21:30

YoniBotts (Botticelli) you are kind and wise. I'm a big fan.

You write so well. What a great post.

TheSecretOfTheNile · 21/09/2013 22:13

Yoni, that's part of the reason that I don't have as many friends as I'd like: when my dc were little, I took them to toddler groups etc, but I was rubbish at the whole schmoozing thing within those groups. I always chatted to the new person, the knackered mum, the one going through a crisis, the one who for whatever reason needed a kind friendly welcome and listening ear...but in the process, I spread myself too thinly. I had a real dislike of that intense 'dating' between nascent friends, which was always pretty much exclusive, and I always favoured the outsider. I remember seeing it if I bumped into two mums from toddler groups in the park, for example: over and over, people were just friendly enough not to be outright rude, whilst making it clear that I wasn't to chat to them for too long, as they were there to talk to each other - I remember a few actually saying this explicitly. It really damaged my self- esteem and made me doubt my worth as a friend.

Looking back, I'd say that I was just a bit naive of the rules of this particular game, and therefore played badly. Now that I do understand the rules, I disagree with them on principle anyway! But it has left me with fewer long term
friends. I think this is a particularly British way if relating - maybe I just live in the wrong country! Or maybe it's just a phenomenon of where I lived, which does have a reputation if being a bit unfriendly and a bit judge-pants.

Like I said, I'm an outgoing, extrovert person, very empathetic and caring. I still spread myself too thinly, though, and if I'm out with a friend and an acquaintance comes along, very quick to pull up a chair and order another coffee.