I need more friends.

[Lateseptember2013]

There. Said it.
I have a couple of close friends both living an hour or more away who I see now and then when we meet halfway, but they all have kids, dogs, elderly parents and work so it's all arranged like a military operation. I have about 3 other friends who I see now and then for coffee, again they don't live on the doorstep. My neighbour who is a good friend is not the sort to go out for coffee on the spur of the moment.
What I don't have are friends who can pop round. I had more friends but they have moved, fallen by the wayside, started work again and all kinds of stuff which means they are not available so much or at all.
DH is my best friend but he works away sometimes 2-3 days a week and last week I saw no one for 3 days (I work for myself at home) and felt really lonely. My parents live a long way away and my kids have left home.

I know my personality is partly to blame- I'm a bit shy, a bit introverted and when I do meet new people am frightened of rejection so tend to wait for them to make the first move into 'friendship' territory.

Any ideas?

I don't want to join 'groups' just to look for friends but can't see how else I can meet people.

I sympathise. I am hopeless at being social, and very much a socially awkward introvert. I am not particularly lonely though, as my strong friendships are online! I have added Mums from my area to Facebook, , which has really helped. if I do meet up with them, I already have stuff to talk about as they post about their lives on Facebook.
The only other ways I have found friends is through work/courses. Perhaps you could do some voluntary work?
Otherwise join a group. Art or exercise or something 'busy' to keep you distracted if you are struggling to interact with other members of the group.

I'm also like you OP. My two best friends moved abroad and my friends in London are all so busy, as am I. I need to make an effort as I'm really really lonely sometimes and miss female friendship a lot.

Maybe I've given the wrong impression. I'm not guache or socially inept. I'm comfortable talking to strangers and happy to dive in and chat to new people. I don't lack confidence in that sense. I am though fussy over friends and the mistake I've made before is to rule possible friends out because something about them doesn't fit with my 'blueprint' of what I want in a friend! I'm always worried about making a mistake in choosing a friend and having to drop them if we don't hit it off. Decades back I met a mum at ante natal who wasn't my type really but she pushed the friendship along - inviting herself over etc- and in the end I just had to gradually withdraw and felt bad over it. And the opposite of that is sometimes on my mind- that if I am forward people may reject me.
Most of my friendships have been made at work ( including voluntary work) where we were colleagues first, so had the chance to get to know each other well before moving it into a non work situation. I think the answer is a small amount of volunteering to begin with because I don't have bags of time to do loads of things anyway- I am still working.

OP - I think I identify quite well with where you're at in your life. I too would love to have the sort of friend who will just pop in for coffee, or I can go to theirs. Intimate and undemanding friendship.

I don't have any answers TBH but I'm watching with interest...

Whereabouts do you live? I'm in Surrey and always up for a cuppa

I have a small child and do not know how to make or maintain friendships. I don't have many (any?) up to this point because (a) I've been flakey and (b) I'm simply not the kind of person people really want to stay in touch with, so I try very hard, and if I stop trying, I fall off the map. So when years of ill-health boosted my already high flakeyness, I lost most of my friends over a period of a few years. (This was a horrible surprise because it had all seemed different in my head, but over time, I saw what had happened and have learnt from mistakes/pitied myself for those things that weren't mistakes). I am usually suffering from depression to some degree or other and find it hard to be outgoing, confident and warm sometimes. I also struggle to turn up to things and say things once I'm there. I try to appear keen to leave but usually breathe a sigh of relief the moment I have. This would be hard enough with a small child, but added to that I am now in a wheelchair. (For the first few months of my daughter's life, I was imprisoned in an upstairs bedroom, like Rapunzel. Then spent our savings getting a chair lift put it so I could go...downstairs. Over two years on, we're on the cusp of getting drive-to-wheelchair soted).

How many groups can you join with a small child and a wheelchair? Anything adult is out, unless it's for adult mums - but adult mums are often wishing to exercise/let their hair down during such meetings. Not good for the newly disabled, somewhat depressed, in-pain lady in the wheelchair. And surprisingly, many things for children are also very difficult. Walks, trips to the swimming pool, baby gymnastics, trips to the park - all these invitations have been refused over the past week because I could not handle what was being asked of my body on that particular day. And you know what people are like - they're unlikely to call again. You know, even I can see why I have such trouble making and keeping friends! This sounds like a nightmare! I can't even laugh!

Listen OP, does this make you feel better?!

I sympathise with OP, and I'd love to have more female friends who are available for coffee/going to exhibitions etc together. Same problem here that people who are local are too busy with very full lives, and those who aer already friends are not local.

So if anyone out of the posters here is either in London or in the West (don't want to specify the town here), PM me if you like, who knows we may get on. I'm in my early 40s and also a bit introverted, but not once I'm friends with someone.

Are you saying OP that you and your husband don't have any couple friends either?

Also, did you change your name mid-thread?

Odd as it may seem to have no couple friends. DH has no friends except one man and he and his partner live overseas most of the time. My girlfriends either have partners who are anti social- don't want to mix ( my friends have told me this) or they are single/ divorced. Or where my friends were friends before marriage, we each kind of accept that our DHs aren't really compatible in the way that we are- so don't meet as couples.

I do feel disappointed a little with this- it's not the life I imagined for myself as all my previous long term boyfriends were very sociable and we did things with other couples. DH is a loner.

I've just reached the stage where it's harder in some ways to make friends unless you actually set about it as a mission or have a burning desire to join a group ! I've got interests- reading, walking,going to art exhibitions- but on the whole am happy to do these alone or with one of my existing friends - I would hate to join the Ramblers!- and can easily fill my time. But there are times when I think if DH dropped dead tomorrow, would I have enough people around me for company and a social life- and the answer is no.

My husband is a loner, we have no couple friends. It is difficult and I think that my children and I miss out on things because of it, which makes me sad. However, he is a good husband and father, so I mostly just try to accept that's just how he is.

Get a dog. I swear that dog owners are the friendliest people. We have made some really great friends through ours. Not immediately, of course but proper friendships. Any walk will be peppered with friendly chats (I have a super-cute dog) and the exercise is a bonus.

Late September - would you like a dog, i meet lots of different people when i am out with the dog and now some are friends

Snap Matilda !

OP, what I'm learning is, you can't be too picky or snobbish if you want company, e.g. you saying you'd hate to join the ramblers even though you like walking - ? not all ramblers aer stereotypical, there can be very small groups or younger ones, etc. You might actually like a person or two there, dont have to like the whole lot!

DP is going away for the weekend

I invited my two friends (I have four but 2 of them live abroad) over to mine (as I have dd so can't go out). Neither of them can make it.
My sister is also busy!

What a saddo.

I was moaning talking to BIL about my sad life where I only have "about three friends" when DD interrupted to say "oh but mummy... Who's your third friend??

I moved away from my family and friends about 4 weeks ago to live with my partner. I don't have a job and I feel lonely. Finding it hard to meet people, and I'm quite outgoing. Am trying to get into voluntary work. I suffer with depression and am menopausal! I am trying to makemmyself go out and engage with people. On Sunday I went down the pub with my partner to watch football, though it's not really my thing. I hardly got spoken to or acknowledged by his friends. That was very hurtful. If the situation had been reversed I would have gone and spoken to the newcomer to make them feel welcome. It's very hard. But I am going to persevere.

Francesca - you seem to have all the friends you need - lucky you!! I think your early post about this happening to older people is apt. Years ago we had no emails, facebook, mobiles to keep in touch with and it was really hard to keep in touch as people moved around. It was also common for women who were in relationships to be drawn into therr other halves lives and not keep their own friends - All this doesn't help OP in her need for more friends now.

I also could use a few more..
But to reassure those running the gauntlet of the UK school run, i can assure you, it IS weird! Nothing like it, in a bad way! Am overseas and no such vibes or pretences here (unless I'm culturally oblivious to them?!) Best be friendly but don't get involved.. And don't take too seriously or expect to make friends. If you do, its a bonus. .

I am 53 and have no friends from school/uni. I moved around a lot...didn't meet dh till I was 33.
All my friends (about 5) are ones I met through playgroup/school..I have no friends from 20 years ago.
Dh sees his best man occasionally, but I haven't stayed in contact with anyone who came to our evening wedding do.

I am very sociable...very involved with school..but really enjoy my own company. Love going up to London for a wander/drink by myself.

I too want more friends but find it hard to read the signs and feel people always seem happy with the friends they have. I make an effort but seem to be the one who makes all the effort. I ve also been unlucky with friends too, they have moved abroad, away or ended up being horrible.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I've decided to try and be friendly to people but try and let it happen naturally rather than forcing it. I do find people just don't seem bothered to take it any further than a chat though. I am scared of rejection too so don't make the first move,or when I do it's not taken up on. For instance it's been several Weeks since I casually said to our new neighbour to pop in for a drink when she's,free and she hasn't. So I take it she's not interested.

Like you I have friends but see them from time to time and once I've made the effort.

I'm in the same boat! Recently split up with partner, I'm 42 and have a 3 year old DS. I have one very close friend who I see regularly but need more friends so if anyone is in or around Cambridge PM me!

Sorry to be late back to this thread as it looks like the OP has gawn but Cjel, trust me I remember the pre-technology days because I lived them!

But no, I don't recognise that bit about it being common for women in those days to ditch their friends on marriage. We were brought up in the Cosmo era where it was rammed into us that men were great for sex, fun and companionship, but girlfriends were for life!! It would have been unthinkable for any of us to ditch friends just because of a man. We took a really dim view of any woman we saw doing that, as I recall. I was brought up by a lovely feminist though and all of my schoolfriends were (and still are) interested in sexual politics, so that might explain it. Looking back, I was raised with an absolute default of expecting to like and befriend other women.

I didn't find the school run traumatic at all. I made some lovely pals in the school playground, even though I was often rushing off to work.

Oh I envy you francesca, I'm afraid I was even pre Cosmo!!!!

Cjel, you seem so lovely to other posters on MNet and you seem to genuinely like women and feel empathy for their lives. I think you'd make a lovely friend in real-life. I do think other women 'sense' it if they meet a woman who likes women and think that's even possible online. It's sort of what I meant when I was saying early on in this thread that I hold back from pursuing friendships with women who are competitive, or very appearance-conscious. I know it's not going to be a meeting of minds, so while I'm happy to see them as acquaintances or in a larger group, I resist getting closer. Whereas I've met lots of women who just want to support eachother and really don't care about superficial stuff. They are the people I'm personally attracted to.

Thank you thats lovely of you to say. I know exactly what you mean, when we had a spell in huge house with his and her mercs and found women who I'd had contact with for years suddenly were friendly! can't be doing with all that.I am same person broke, rich, old or young!!!