Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD... hung over DP and BBQ with his family

31 replies

notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 10:31

He won't get up!!!! Infact he never does but we're supposed to be travelling to his brothers for a 'family' BBQ to meet his fiances family before the wedding and for their joint birthdays. DP has a slightly fractious relationship with elder brother. He also drank a ridiculous amount last night until 4.15 this morning so is in no fit state to drive (although he'll complain bitterly about me driving!)
I've let him have a lie in (as far as possible) and taken him a 'proper' coffee and a piece of toast but he still won't get up!! I'm trying very hard to keep my patience as a) I don't want the DC to suffer another weekend row and b) I don't want it to some how become 'my fault' that we didn't go etc. Maybe he doesn't want to go? But I can't see how thats really an option, unless he tells me and we make an excuse about someone being unwell? Plus, I'd like to go and so would the DC!
So, what would you do? (So far, I've just nicked the coffee back as its too good to go to waste!)

OP posts:
oranges · 21/09/2013 10:32

if you'd like to go, just put the kids in the car and drive off. Say you couldn't get him out of bed. Leave him to explain the rest to the family. If you are there, you can't be blamed by them for stopping him attending somehow.

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 10:34

Its a good plan but I don't know where they live and I don't want to have anything to do with any disagreements between him and his DB. Mind you, I could just make out thats what I'm going to do, that'll prob get him moving...!

OP posts:
princesskc · 21/09/2013 10:38

Tell him you're leaving in an hour with or without him and then go, have fun, let the kids see their family. Your children shouldn't miss out because he's too selfish to stop drinking at a reasonable hour.

Enjoy yourself!!

oranges · 21/09/2013 10:39

How well do you know them if you don't know where they live? I f you already are close, its fine to go over, but if not, I wouldn't force your dh's hand on this one. He may have good reasons for avoiding his family (I realise I am backtracking totally)

googlecanthelp · 21/09/2013 10:40

I´d give him notice to ne honest.

Tell him he has 30mins to get up, dressed and ready or you and DC will be going without him!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/09/2013 10:41

Agree with the others.

I'd go without him.

And on the drive there I'd have a long think about why I was in a relationship with someone who made me think it was my job to get them out of bed in the morning.

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 10:42

I do know them all well (we've been together 6 years!) I just don't know where this brother lives as I haven't been to see them in their new place since they moved (Its about an hour or so away).
I'm going to just plough on with a forced smile on my face and wait for him to drag his lazy arse out of bed at the last minute! Its like having children with a bloody teenager!!

OP posts:
oranges · 21/09/2013 10:57

oh just ring them and ask for directions then! Don't wait for him. You will all just end up grumpy.

googlecanthelp · 21/09/2013 11:00

Do yu have an adress for them? If so google map it for directions take the DC and GO have FUN without the hungover teenager!

dopeysheep · 21/09/2013 11:04

Take the kids, tell his family he was on the piss until 4am and wouldn't get up.
I wouldn't bother with anything else, he sounds like a prick, sorry.

dopeysheep · 21/09/2013 11:05

Get their number off his phone/facebook/whatever, you must be able to contact someone who can give you the address?

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 11:15

I kept my cool and nagged him with humour, he's now in the shower Smile thanks for your responses it helped distract me from just getting mad!

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 21/09/2013 12:00

Wow there is more to this than a bloody family day out!!! Does he do this alot? And theres you pandering to him with cups of proper coffee and toast!! I am all for making allowances for fuck ups but this guy is a right piece of work isn't he.

You don't want to expose the kids to ANOTHER family row??

Feel sad for you (and your children)

LEMisdisappointed · 21/09/2013 12:01

"i kept my cool and nagged him with humour" Fuck that - you sound like you are scared of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2013 12:05

Why are you together at all?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. He sounds like a immature manchild rather than a man with responsibilities.

It sounds utterly miserable for you and the children (I don't want the DC to suffer another weekend row).

claudedebussy · 21/09/2013 12:14

!!!
stop being his mum!

phone his actual mum, tell her what's going on and ask for directions.

then tell him you're leaving in 30 mins.

then leave in 30 mins.

do not excuse him. just tell the truth.

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 12:18

Yes there is more to it but I'm trying to make a big effort to keep a handle on the situation and help it improve.
The 'another weekend row' comment was because last sunday I'd had enough and did lose my temper with him. It does no good and I don't want to do the same this weekend. So far the children are happy and content and don't get to see the full picture (I take them swimming saturdays and have plans for every sunday too that he can join in if he likes or not), but they are getting older and things need to change. I'm trying to manage the situation and my own feelings better for the sake of everyone.
Either way, its not going to continue as it is, I'm hopeful that through pure grit, determination and support and I can make a positive change for us all, but I'm realistic too. At the end of the day, the children come first and I will do whatever is the best for them. Right now I think thats ensuring they're happy and helping their father be the best man he can be.
I just need to focus on the big picture and not lose my temper!!

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 21/09/2013 12:21

"im trying to manage the situation and my own feelings better for the sake of everyone"

Read that - you wrote it - its wrong wrong wrong

You are right - you need to focus on the bigger picture, and ditch the looser. Seriously - he is just awful.

WHY would you even want to be with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2013 12:24

"Yes there is more to it but I'm trying to make a big effort to keep a handle on the situation and help it improve"

Why do you have such a need to fix this?. That smacks of co-dependency as well. Many women stay in poor relationships for too long precisely because of this off beam mindset. He has to want to change things, if he does not it is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2013 12:24

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. That question remained unanswered.

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 12:33

I can't call his mum, she died two years ago, quite horrifically, he was there and is still struggling to deal with it. His best friend passed away two months ago and its stirred up a lot of feelings and memories alongside the usual grief anyone would experience.
I do feel responsible for supporting him through this because he is my partner, the children's father, and I also feel that I want to do it for his mum (she was wonderful and I was very fond of her)
I have a lot of support from my family and really like his. He's agreed to see a counsellor which I've arranged, its a difficult time but then life isn't always a bed of roses. What's that saying about things being worth fighting for...?

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 21/09/2013 12:43

Im sorry to read about his friend and his mum, it must be very hard for him, and you, just now. But that does not excuse being out until 4 am drinking himself into a state where he is incapable of functioning the next day. Yes, its ok if it happens once in a while but it happened last week. He needs to face up to things and man up for his family - his mum would not want to see him acting this way. It is not your responsibility to help him if he wont himself. It sounds like you were close to his mum, you really think she would want him to treat you like this?

Original poster
notanyanymore · 21/09/2013 13:12

I know, and it isn't easy, but I do believe its still worth fighting for at this time and I do have faith in him (and us) to get through it. I don't know if we could do it by ourselves though, which is why I've arranged counselling for both of us. And like I said I have a very supportive family Smile

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 21/09/2013 13:21

I'm hopeful that through pure grit, determination and support and I can make a positive change for us all... Right now I think thats ensuring they're happy and helping their father be the best man he can be

This is all about you "sorting" everything out. DP needs to be on board with making the positive change too and he needs to help himself to be the best man he can be. You can't do that for him, much as you might try to. HAve you got into a pattern of micro-managing everything- you said you do saturday activities and plan stuff for Sundays that he can join in with if he wants. This is not a joint operation, sounds like all the work is being done by you.
Hope you have a good time at the BBQ.

cestlavielife · 21/09/2013 23:34

Maybe he needs very specific bereavement counselling, but he needs to be seeking it out.
Doesn't excuse getting so drunk til four am when he knows there is family do next day.
It is easy to fall into managing and arranging with dc etc so he can dip in and out.
Time to stop and get tough .

Go to conselling yourself on your own, talk about how you managing the situation and explore other ways that don't involve you tip toeing around him.. have him yes go to bereavement counselling. But he has to want to...