WWYD... hung over DP and BBQ with his family

[notanyanymore]

He won't get up!!!! Infact he never does but we're supposed to be travelling to his brothers for a 'family' BBQ to meet his fiances family before the wedding and for their joint birthdays. DP has a slightly fractious relationship with elder brother. He also drank a ridiculous amount last night until 4.15 this morning so is in no fit state to drive (although he'll complain bitterly about me driving!)
I've let him have a lie in (as far as possible) and taken him a 'proper' coffee and a piece of toast but he still won't get up!! I'm trying very hard to keep my patience as a) I don't want the DC to suffer another weekend row and b) I don't want it to some how become 'my fault' that we didn't go etc. Maybe he doesn't want to go? But I can't see how thats really an option, unless he tells me and we make an excuse about someone being unwell? Plus, I'd like to go and so would the DC!
So, what would you do? (So far, I've just nicked the coffee back as its too good to go to waste!)

Did he drink because of the family event the next day? Its not a good sign if he is using booze to block feelings and as an excuse not to go.

That's what I would asking him to concentrate on. He can't hide at the bottom of the bottle. Lots of awful things have happened but you and the dc are still there, and he owes it to you to manage it differently.

I don't think he did drink because of the family event, I think it was just because he wants to! On the way home he bought 2 bottles of wine 'because I'd guzzle one', I drank one glass and went to bed. There's an inch left in one bottle this morning.
I think its too much! Especially after the night before. And he drinks during the week most nights too (although not as much)
I'm concerned as I don't think its possible to 'make' someone stop. I've been there before I had children and some of his behaviours make me concerned (like if he doesn't drink for one night, its kind of a 'big deal')
On top of everything else its making me wonder how long this can seriously continue for, people keep asking me about christmas plans and I don't feel I can make any because I don't know where me and the children will be.
I don't want to give up, but if things don't improve there will come a point when it will no longer be in the children's interests to be here.
I honestly don't know how to address this or what to do for the best, I'm trying my hardest but the stress of it gets to me and I can't help but worry its only going to get worse anyway.

So, based on there being approx 6 glasses per wine bottle, that means after your one glass, he's drunk getting on for the equivalent of 10/11 glasses of wine after a previous night of drinking until 4.15am. That's a really big amount and I would imagine that he's got a pretty big drinking problem, especially if going without drink for one night is a "big deal." I really feel for you, OP, but you can't control the situation or cure it. For your own peace of mind, I'd go for some counselling on your own, just to get clear in your head what your and the DCs options are.

I haven't seen any previous threads about this, only what you've written here. Forget humouring him, nannying him, managing everything for everyone... the only person who can address his drinking, his bereavement issues etc etc is HIM. I think the fact you say YOU have arranged a counselling appointment for him speaks volumes. Think about getting some help and support for yourself - counselling in your own right, AlAnon, so you can work out what you want and what is best for the children. You can't fix him or his problems, really you can't.

x posts!

It seems you are trying very hard to keep your family together and to get your DP to appear to function as an actual adult.

It doesn't seem that he is making any effort at all.

He appears to have a drink problem, is not participating in family life except under sufferance - why are you trying so hang to hold onto this 'prize'? Don't you and the children deserve a bit more peace?

I don't think that keeping him around despite his behaviour is better for the children than being with just you, TBH.