more than 10years difference, what are the ups and downs?

[Letsadmitit]

Not wanting to sound shallow, but I really would like to hear opinions, from those who have big age gaps with their partners ( I know I have my own opinions but with no experience I really don't know what to think..)

I met a very nice man recently, to be honest he looks about 3 years older than me, but after going out for a few weeks, we got talking about age and he is more than 10 years older than me (i'm no spring chicken, either I have to say).

I know that it may work (or not) , but if you have been there... What have been the ups and downs in the long term?

I don't have any experience but what are we looking at?
Hugh Hefner, rod Stewart,George clooney, brad Pitt? What age is he roughly, with out directly divulging yours?

Not me personally, but my Dad was 16 years older than my mum - her family told her she would be left a young widow, but it was Dad who was left, after 51 years of a very happy marriage, when Mum died aged 73. Dad survived her by over 12 years, missing her every day until he died last November, aged 102. They were perfectly matched and adored each other. I would say that there are a lot of more important factors than age in a relationship.

Total harmony. 12 years difference 4 years in .. married for 3 and still waiting for that first row I thought was normal in relationships.

14 years difference here, we've been together nearly 10 years. TBH most of the time I forget there is an age difference. I can't think of a single issue it's caused us. Getting on is much more important than age. We just get on regardless of age.

my parents were 26 years apart. My mother was 24 and my father 50 when they met; from my perspective their marriage was deeply unhappy partly because he was a old man when she was in her prime (think 70 and 44) He had NO patience with me and my bother and was a disinterested grumpy lazy father. Just my 2p.he died with I was in my early 20's. I had no relationship with him as an adult.

16 years between me and my DP. I can honestly, hand on heart, say there have been no 'downs.'

I think its all to do with the people involved. Nobody who knows me or DP ever comments on our age difference. We don't look strange together, we have a ton of things in common and we really enjoy each others company.

The only thing I worry about is him dying a long time before me. But then I think, I'd rather have 40 years together with my soul mate than 60 with somebody else.

12 years difference here, been together 13 years ,10th anniversary in November.

DP's fourteen years older than me. Two years together, six month old baby, we've still yet to have an argument. Main downside is he's constantly making references to 70s and 80s popular culture that are totally lost on me as, from my perspective, anything pre '85 is before the dawn of time.

There were 10 years between me & my ex. Day to day the age gap was irrelevant, but we hit life's milestones at completely different points and wanted vastly different things. In hindsight I feel we stayed together far too long because we were just on completely different pages and the compromises ended up being too much for us both. That's not to say it couldn't work. It just didn't work for us.

I used to think the age gap would close as we got older but of course it doesn't.

13 yr gap here. apart from taste in music and his vastly superior general knowledge it's not an issue at all and I don't think people even notice as he looks younger than his age and I have been middle aged for years
I think as long as you are both proper grown ups it doesn't matter - eg I expect it's more noticeable at 18 and 31, not really at 40 and 53 for example.
We are 37 and 50.

We are in our 40s and 50s. My main concern is that he would retire years before I do and then he will get bored and unhappy (grumpy) at home.

I am 40, DH 53. He cannot wait to retire and tinker with the many projects he has going on in his head . Not really thought about retirement but for DH it will be when DC could be off to Uni/leaving home so might be suddenly very quiet. I think I might scale back my work and do lots of travelling

"But then I think, I'd rather have 40 years together with my soul mate than 60 with somebody else."

Oh and we've been together 12 years, married for 8

Some people say it is unfair on the DC with older dad, however people can die at any age and I would rather they had a fab dad for as many years as possible, rather than a 40yr old tosser who abandons his kids....

"downside is he's constantly making references to 70s and 80s popular culture that are totally lost on me as, from my perspective, anything pre '85 is before the dawn of time."

I think I have an inkling on where are you coming from.

Thank you all, this thread is making me feel more positive about it

Leminstart, sorry to hear that. I was aware of that possibility to, the generational gap is wider. I have some cousins whose parents had a 12 year gap. My aunt complained he didn't understand his children, interestingly it was my aunt who passed away first. He is in his late seventies, still very much into sports and carrying all the grandcholdren with him from one activity to the other one.

I became a mother quite late and I have really made the effort to keep "current" for DS even ehen at some points I just want to sit and vegetate on the sofa.

My XH was 12 years older than me - I was 26 when we married, he was 38 (this was 20 years ago). The main issue was his expectations of a women's role (there to cook and clean, as well as work f/t - yeah right).

11 year Gap here.
Been married 22 years, Still going strong. I'm in my 40's DH in his 50's only downside is he doesn't like being such an old Dad. If he had bee the same age as me when we met, that would have been great, he wasn't. It doesn't matter.

13 year gap, 37 and 50.
definitely expectation of a woman's role as someone has said, I had to stand firm on that one.
music not too bad as he's as much up to date as me.
we have the same values and opinions on the basic fundamentals in life.
Oh and he thinks hes my age in his head.
I do have to fake understanding of some of his physical gripes though as im not there yet myself, but all in all im very happy.

Lots of positives too OP.
They've been and done a lot so I find dp more understanding about an awful lot, or at least he pretends anyway

My Dad was 9 years older than my Mum. I'm not sure the age gap was an issue except that Mum was always 'bored' because Dad didn't want to be gallivanting all over and Mum did. I know that Dad was not in love with Mum for a long time (I asked him), but he was a stayer. He died at 77 and they'd been married 46 years.

My neighbour is married to a man 21 years her junior. She was widowed young and they got together and have been married for more than 40 years. She's now 85 and recently had a stroke. I don't know what he'll do without her.

She's always been a young woman for her age and he's always seemed more mature. Lovely couple. Perfect.

We've done it the other way around. I'm the Older Woman (by 12 years!) and he's the Younger Man. It took me a long time to even remotely consider him as partner material becuase of the gap. In the end he backed away becuase it was too painful for him, I realised how damn much I missed his friendship, and that made me give it a go.

Biggest disadvantage? Experience gap. It was there, it still is, and sometimes it's really frustrating. He was slightly cocky, thought he knew it all and I was left trying to tidy up the messes that happened because he, well, didn't. Very annoying sometimes. But he got a lot better at talking things over and realising that I had actually -had- some experience of plastering a wall or whatever. Secondly, as someone said higher up, when yo're a bit older things start to creak and you ain't quite as physically resilient as you were. Which wasn't very resilient at all in the first place, for me. He doesn't understand those limitations yet, but he's learned to take it into account.

Biggest disadvantage from his POV? YOu know, I'm not sure. Have to ask him!

Biggest advantage? not to do with age really; we both really wanted the relationship to work, so when we got to the really nasty patches, both of us kept trying. Admittedly for the sake of the son who came along, at points. But we've both kept trying.

I think the next biggest advantage was also experience; mine. I knew how to try to nudge him in (what I think of) as a good direction. Maybe that's arrogant, but I've had two LT relationships before and he had only had one short one. It takes time to learn to live together and it helped that one of us had already gone through it.

You said you're no spring chicken. I assume that you've both had previous relationships then? that should help. Also, if both of you are within stones' throw of experience with things like having worked, having travelled, culture etc .. those things are more important than age.

Oh, my first LTR was with a man 14 years older than me. I was 18. Big alarm bells you might think, but I'm truly grateful for the time we had together. He taught me so much about the world and he pushed me to think for myself. Great bloke, still friends.

2nd LTR was with someone my own age

My Ex was 9 years older, and we got together when I was 19, so the age gap in regards to life experience and maturity etc. is quite big then.

I really didn't notice the age gap, and always forgot how much older he was.

To me, age is not an issue.