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Relationships

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Original poster

I feel DP is being a manchild. Am I overreacting?

37 replies

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 11:46

Sorry this is so long.

I recently decided to cut down on drinking – I feel I use a couple of glasses of wine to unwind in the evening, and I want to feel healthier in myself. I’m also trying to eat more healthily and get early nights.

I initially thought I’d cut out booze entirely but DP and I discussed, and decided we would work together to drink sensibly and regulate – he has the same tendency; both have stressful jobs etc, so it makes sense for us to do it together. I should add that I’m not worried I’m an alcoholic, just think I drink too much sometimes, and I don’t like that.

Anyway … yesterday, DP came home with a big bottle of vodka! I was genuinely enraged … I don’t think that’s supportive behaviour at all. In fact something strikes me as a bit odd about it – AIBU? I got angry and made DP take the vodka back – he took my point.

But after that we had a pretty odd evening, not the same as usual.
We went to bed early and started cuddling, but I wasn’t really in the mood and said so … he said he was fine with it, but then called my behaviour ‘controlling’. I don’t see this as controlling?? Surely I have a right to cuddle but then not want sex? I think he feels I led him on. He then brought up the fact that we'd watched my show on TV rather than his movie - I said that if he'd cared, he should have said so.

He then said he had some work emails to do and that he’d go downstairs. I went downstairs fifteen minutes later and found him watching TV. I got very irritated as I felt we'd not resolved our tiff and told him to sleep downstairs if he was going to be ‘like this’. He got irritated too, and said that I had told him to do ‘what he wanted’ and now he was.

Anyway, he said he’d be up soon. I woke up at 2.30am and he’d switched the TV off and was sleeping on the sofa. This morning we haven't spoke properly about it ... a couple of terse texts.

Thoughts on how to tackle this? We usually get on very, very well but occasionally he gets very manchildy, and communication seems to have broken down. I feel like I don't like DP very much right now.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2013 11:49

Miscommunication. And you both sound as daft as each other.

You're both huffy with no real reason.

It will blow over.

Chocotrekkie · 18/09/2013 11:51

I would be a bit miffed if I bought something i wanted and my oh made me take it back tbh.

Then little things would lead to big things (like watching your tv show) become '"poor me" and then we have a big argument

I would leave texting etc and just say sorry for making you take the booze back when you get home and take it from there.

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 11:54

You think it's ok for him to buy a bottle of vodka when we'd agreed we were going to cut down and not have large amounts of booze in the house? I don't think so. I've never asked him to take anything back to a shop, ever, apart from this.

I think we did get huffy later, both of us. I didn't appreciated being called controlling for not wanting to sleep with him and it escalated.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2013 11:59

Yes, I think it's ok as I'd have assumed he'd forgot or it wasn't as important to him as it was to me.

So my response would have been 'after what I said yesterday I won't be drinking that for now dh'.

I think 'making' someone take something back is treating someone like a child.

Yes, it's nice if you do things together like diet or cut down on drinking but you still remain individuals and one day he might fancy a drink, the next day you might fancy a drink after a stressful day etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:00

I can tell you exactly what's going on. By suggesting not drinking so much and sending back the thoughtless vodka you have ... to his mind... imposed a terrible restriction on him. You are reducing his freedom, and this is therefore a personal attack. Compound this with not having sex and having to watch your TV show rather than his and suddenly he can't do anything he wants... WAAAHHHH!! Ah... diddums.

What to do... tell him to grow up fast and quit sulking just because he doesn't get his own way. Oh yes... especially if this has happened before.... don't have kids with a man like this because they are too immature and selfish cope with anything or anyone getting in the way of them doing exactly as they please.

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 12:02

Hmm ... yes, you may be right.

I think I was disappointed in his seemingly not caring about this. As it matters a lot to me, and I thought it mattered to him too - he seemed really invested when we discussed it.

We also normally drink together - that's probably part of the problem.

Perhaps I need to apologise...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2013 12:03

No, he does instead need to apologise.

What Cogito wrote.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:07

The reason he's sulking and doing the terse text silent treatment is that he's testing the boundaries. Like all manipulators, he's seeing how badly he can behave and how big a guilt-trip he can land on you and you will STILL apologise. When he's done it before you've caved.... and he's learned from that which buttons to push to a) get his own way and b) make you feel bad at the same time.

So don't fall for it. Understand what he's doing and don't play his game

Cluffyflump · 18/09/2013 12:13

It's probably what cogito said but, do you think he is struggling to cut out the alcohol?

Hullygully · 18/09/2013 12:15

You are both mad

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/09/2013 12:17

why did you follow him downstairs? and then tell him he had to sleep downstairs because he was watching TV?

purrpurr · 18/09/2013 12:17

Normally agree with Attila and Cogito but this time you sound like a couple of kids squabbling. Nuts. Communicate like adults as a basic starting point and go from there.

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 12:17

Hmm. I'm thinking this over.

I do feel like he did 2 things that I felt were 'wrong':

Buying the vodka - not wrong in and of itself, but in the context of our relationship, bad behaviour. He actually hid it on the stairs (sorry, dripfeed) and wasn't going to tell me about it - he said he'd been planning on taking it back. But he didn't, he told me about it.
Saying I was 'controlling' when I said I wasn't in the mood. That's not fair, and it's also not true.

My reactions around those things were quite huffy - but I do often find myself apologising for 'my part in the argument' because I get huffy about things, and then I'm the one apologising somehow. I just hate the tense atmosphere - I can feel it from my office!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2013 12:18

I think it's a bit strong to call someone a 'manipulator' on the basis of what's been posted

It sounds like a daft argument based on a bit of miscommunication between two people not quite on board with what the other wants or needs.

Orchidlady · 18/09/2013 12:18

If my partner told me to take something back to shop I had bought I would tell him where to go. If you are not an alcoholic then why would it bother you if bottle of vodka was in the house. Fwiw I have decided to cut down drinking like you but my shelf is stacked with booze I just choose not to drink it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:21

I don't think they're mad. It's this kind of 'testing' boundary-pushing behaviour over fairly trivial stuff & relatively early in a relationship (I'm just guessing) that can indicate the way it's going to run long-term. I remember suggesting to a DP that he should sort out his finances because he was up to his pits in debt and we wanted to buy a house and start a family. The reaction was exactly the same as the DP in this story.... childish sulking and foot-stamping accusations of 'you don't tell me what to do'... and it never got any better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:25

"I think it's a bit strong to call someone a 'manipulator' on the basis of what's been posted"

I'm seeing emotive language ('controlling'), sulking, withdrawal of affection and quite a lot of behaviour that is consistent with emotional manipulation. He's got the OP on the verge of apologising when - if you read it back - most of the conflict here was triggered by a hidden bottle of spirits. She's gone from suggesting they drink a bit less to feeling that their relationship is under threat unless she caves in ... What would you call it? :)

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 12:25

Tantrums - I followed him downstairs because I was trying to sleep and could hear noises - turned out to be the TV. I told him to sleep downstairs because he'd called me controlling for not wanting to sleep with him, and then while we were talking about it had jumped out of bed claiming work emails, which turned out to be a lie. He wanted to watch TV until the wee hours.

Cluffyflump - I do wonder that. I think he likes the idea of cutting it out in concept, but doesn't want to follow through when he wants to drink. Which is fine, I just wish that in that case, he hadn't appeared to wholeheartedly jump on board with the cutting down plan.

OP posts:

Capitaltrixie · 18/09/2013 12:26

As others have said, miscommunication..and (I'm sorry to say), you do both sound like you were being a little silly (everyone can be sometimes..I certainly can!)
Both apologise and then laugh about it?

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 12:30

Orchidlady - we had agreed, both of us not me pushing him or putting words into his mouth, not to buy lots of alcohol - if we had cupboards full of alcohol then they wouldn't get thrown out, but given we had no vodka, I don't understand why we'd now need a litre...

I was angry because he went back on something we'd discussed, which was good for both of us.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 12:32

If I was you I'd go it alone with regards to cutting down on your drinking, this clearly shows that you both are not together on this - let him do what he wants, he's an adult, you can still stick to a regime of cutting down without having fights with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:34

" DP and I discussed, and decided we would work together to drink sensibly"

They were together on it to start with and it's clear it was only lip-service on his part. I know it's a relatively trivial thing but it's what it says about someone that they can discuss and agree one minute and the next be going back on it. What other promises might he be lying about?

Original poster

TropicalLilt · 18/09/2013 12:37

Cogito - thanks for your thoughts, they are the darker side of what this situation could potentially be, that I like to think (and still believe) DP isn't capable of ... we do genuinely have what I think is a healthy, happy relationship most of the time. I just don't like the feeling I have right now, and last night.

I totally agree with you Jan45, I will pursue this on my own as I don't think he's on board. I don't want to drag him on board, I genuinely thought he was keen on this plan.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 12:40

Well what he did last night clearly told you he wasn't as into it as you are, good on you, perhaps in time, he'll start to take a leaf out of your book!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:48

How long have you been together OP?

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