I feel DP is being a manchild. Am I overreacting?

[TropicalLilt]

Sorry this is so long.

I recently decided to cut down on drinking – I feel I use a couple of glasses of wine to unwind in the evening, and I want to feel healthier in myself. I’m also trying to eat more healthily and get early nights.

I initially thought I’d cut out booze entirely but DP and I discussed, and decided we would work together to drink sensibly and regulate – he has the same tendency; both have stressful jobs etc, so it makes sense for us to do it together. I should add that I’m not worried I’m an alcoholic, just think I drink too much sometimes, and I don’t like that.

Anyway … yesterday, DP came home with a big bottle of vodka! I was genuinely enraged … I don’t think that’s supportive behaviour at all. In fact something strikes me as a bit odd about it – AIBU? I got angry and made DP take the vodka back – he took my point.

But after that we had a pretty odd evening, not the same as usual.
We went to bed early and started cuddling, but I wasn’t really in the mood and said so … he said he was fine with it, but then called my behaviour ‘controlling’. I don’t see this as controlling?? Surely I have a right to cuddle but then not want sex? I think he feels I led him on. He then brought up the fact that we'd watched my show on TV rather than his movie - I said that if he'd cared, he should have said so.

He then said he had some work emails to do and that he’d go downstairs. I went downstairs fifteen minutes later and found him watching TV. I got very irritated as I felt we'd not resolved our tiff and told him to sleep downstairs if he was going to be ‘like this’. He got irritated too, and said that I had told him to do ‘what he wanted’ and now he was.

Anyway, he said he’d be up soon. I woke up at 2.30am and he’d switched the TV off and was sleeping on the sofa. This morning we haven't spoke properly about it ... a couple of terse texts.

Thoughts on how to tackle this? We usually get on very, very well but occasionally he gets very manchildy, and communication seems to have broken down. I feel like I don't like DP very much right now.

2 years ... lived together for 1.

We are happy, most of the time. Genuinely. No eggshell-treading or similar.

On occasion, though, we seem to have these episodes. Wherein I feel he is acting in a way that I think isn't fair, or isn't in the spirit of communicating, and I get huffy and irritable because of it. I then feel guilty for being irritated with him.

Why would you feel guilty....? Answer... because he sulks and makes you feel it's your fault that he's not happy. Result.... you subconsciously avoid anything that might result in a repeat performance. End product.... you don't realise how much you adapt your behaviour to keep him sweet. It's not a train-smash (yet) but you have to resist the temptation to cave and see it for what it is.

TropLilt: sounds pretty much like a normal relationship to me lol!

Hang on- the OP wants to cut down on her drinking- nobody's stopping her, are they?

And why shouldn't he get up and watch TV if he wants to- I would be ptty cross if my Dp came down complaining about my late night box set habit!

Agree with Curlew. If DPs annoying me and I know I'm being a bit silly I will get out of bed and go and watch tv for a bit. No harm in that, it's my home and diffuses the situation. I'd be hacked off if he followed me downstairs and told me I had to sleep down there.

Agree with curlew. The last time I was in a relationship with someone who stropped about if I went downstairs to watch tv late or sleep on the couch (I am a tremendously crap sleeper) was when I was 19. Seriously, adults don't have to squabble about this stuff. Are you following each other around and finding that you're saying a lot of things that end in 'am not!' Or 'are so!' Or perhaps even 'you know you are you said you are so what am I?' Ahh the soundtrack to my primary years...

Enough already or you'll both have to go in time out. Let him be his own person and you be your own person.

youre both pushing each other's boundaries, no one likes to feel as if they are being told what to do or to feel as if they are having someone elses will inflicted on them. Women all too often apologise as they can't bear the stress and tension of being baddies with each other. We fix it, its what we do. Its not ideal or perfect but what most likely happens. I wouldnt appologise per se but acknowledge that neither of you behaved in the most mature way and that clearly he is not as committed to getting healthy as you are. Fine, you get on with it. It sucks being a conciliatory peace making women but 9/10 that is the role women play. Youre not mad - just normaly imperfect like everyone else.

If you want to cut diwn drinking Op, maybe you need do it on your own. Asking somebody to take something back to the shop is controlling IMO. Bit childish as well. As for the sex thing, probably irritation on his part re your earlier controlling behaviour.

Hi all,

Sorry, been in back to back meetings - just had a chance to look at this, but have been thinking on the feedback.

I understand all your points - what he did, is normal.

But a lot of the time it's not what he does (I'll stay up when he's gone to bed, or drink when he isn't, and vice versa) but how he does it ... he does something normal but says he won't do it/doesn't want to do it BEFORE he does it, leaving me feeling like I'm a wanker for expecting things a certain way. If someone SAYS to you that they are going to do something, surely I should trust them? I don't want to live my life second-guessing.

What's wrong with, "I wanted vodka so I bought some. I'm not expecting you to drink any."

NOT ... hiding it on the stairs, then saying he did "something bad" and making me guess what he did before producing it from behind the banisters.

I know I'm being AIBU now, and this is a petty thing. I now realise there are larger things he has done in the same way, that make me angrier than I should reasonably be. I do take all your points - I know I need to rationalise. And confused about how to communicate with him - because he says things just to please me, even when they irritate him or he can't follow through.

To be honest you do sound quite controlling and difficult to be around. Following someone and telling him he can sleep on the sofa seem way ott. He probably does consider cutting back on drink a good idea, but lots of things are good ideas that we don't always stick to doing (cake, booze, fags etc.) He may feel hounded and just want a quiet life. I wonder how it reflects on you that he felt the need to hide the bottle? The way you behaved when you did find out implies you can blow up about these sort of things, when he isn't doing anything wrong.

OP, I'd be pissed off at my partner if I had a conversation with him and we both agreed to cut down on drinking and the next thing he appears with a bottle of vodka so don't feel bad, you were entitled to be annoyed about that.

The rest is just a result of both of you being annoyed with each other - find time and sit down when you are both relaxed and try talking about it, I know it sounds obvious but that's the only way you'll reach any kind of compromise.