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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, said this last night... not sure what to do about it!

49 replies

googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 06:41

NameChanger, as DH knows my nickname and I don´t want him to find this.

Ok quick history

DH and I met 10years ago, DH had no bank account and everybank we tried won´t let him have one.

So I took a joint back count (me as primary signature) with DH to get him into the banking world. I also added Dh to my credit cards etc.

Anyway over the course of a few years we got into debt.

Over the last few years I have been clearing it and its nearly all gone.

Anyway DH said last night, during conversation not an argument that he had helped me sort the debt (ie writting letters) but its NOT his debt, as my name is on everything and he´s being a wonderfully nice person by "helping" me write the letters.

Now this really annoyed me, and I said hang on this is as much your debt as mine, you helped accure it (which he did), and his help has been to correct my spelling on a few letters.

But I am still very angry about that comment.

FWIW we don´t have seperate money, we have joint money. We have also been having some problems of late.

I´m not really sure what it is I´m asking, but I´m still very annoyed about this comment and I don´t know if I am being unreasonable.

Anycomments gratefully recieved.

OP posts:
clam · 18/09/2013 06:51

Well, on this one specific comment, was he making a pedantic comment on the bare fact that it is "officially" your debt, in that you are the one whose credit rating might be affected now, if things got to that point? Or was it an indication of a general attitude that he feels that you're overspending and it's not his problem (even if he's been spending/benefitting from it).
Either way, I'd be annoyed too, but I think the second scenario is worse than the first. Both need a short sharp explanation to him in words of one syllable.

Original poster
googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 06:56

HI Clam

No he was making neither of those points!

Credit rating is ok fortunately I managed to nogotiate with everyone prior to missing payments etc.

I never spend anything, its DH that over spends, but I have that sorted by him taking cash etc.

the point he was trying to make was that I´m lucky because he always helps me out with "problems", I tried to make him see that what he was saying was ridicolous! Then I tried saying well if you want to view it that way, then I owe this house (bought in cash from the sale of my house) and he said I was obsessing about the comment he had made about it being "my debt"

OP posts:
Original poster
googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 06:57

Own not owe

OP posts:
Numberlock · 18/09/2013 06:58

I presume he can't get a bank account because of his poor credit history/previous debt?

What did you both spend the money on?

Numberlock · 18/09/2013 06:59

He sounds like a drain, financially and emotionally...

Original poster
googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 07:04

Numberlock, no the problem was he had NO credit history!

OP posts:
AlbertaCampion · 18/09/2013 07:05

Yes, I think he sounds something of a drain too. I note that while the debt was than up by both of you, you were the one who paid it off...

Me? I'd keep the joint a/c open, for his credit rating, but run everything out of a sole account in your name only. However I am aware that thud runs contrary to conventional Mumsnet wisdom on the subject of joint bank accounts for all!

MissMarplesBloomers · 18/09/2013 07:05

Get his name taken off those joint accounts or at least keep your own personal account to safeguard your own money.

He is using you to finance a wastrel lifestyle it seems to me. Does he work? What does he spend it all on?!

AlbertaCampion · 18/09/2013 07:06

*this

AngryFeet · 18/09/2013 07:09

Im pretty sure you can get a bank account with no credit history. The only reason you cant get one is if you have been declared bankrupt.

Original poster
googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 07:10

In all fairness the orignal debt was run up by both of us. Making good decisions at the time but then for reasons I would prefer not to go into our income dropped substantially with little warning. Making very difficult to service the debt, But I managed to arranged to have the interest frozen and made payments plans etc.

Miss Marplesbloomers, I do know have my own account again.

We both work together!

Yes I do find him very draining sometimes, It is SOOOO difficult to have a conversation with him, about anything. I just don´t feel like we are a team which is what we were talking about last night when DH said well that.

OP posts:
Original poster
googlecanthelp · 18/09/2013 07:11

AngryFeet we couldn´t get one at the time for him (going back over 10years), and it seemed like a good idea at the time!

OP posts:
calmingtea · 18/09/2013 07:23

Separate your accounts completely and tell him with a pretty smile that he needs to work on getting a good credit rating and point him in the direction of experian of one of those websites that help with that. He sounds emotionally detached from your relationship, and he is being childish with money spending and getting into debt, then behaving as though you are his mother. It would not only annoy me, but would make me very nervous if someone did this to me.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2013 07:29

I think this is one of the few times where I will say "separate your money"

And put him right. What is he getting into debt with, btw ?

Numberlock · 18/09/2013 07:29

I've never heard of not being able to get a bank account for that reason otherwise how would anyone ever open one? My kids had debit cards and basic accounts at ~13 years old.

I smell BS in that tale, are you sure?

Walkacrossthesand · 18/09/2013 07:36

Has he ever acknowledged that he has you to thank for (a) having a bank account and (b) not being in serious financial trouble again now? Maybe it's time to separate your accounts again, each run your own account, cc etc and pay an agreed amount into joint account for household bills, food etc. I suspect that would pretty quickly highlight that it's your financial savvy that's keeping you afloat - trouble is, I believe that debts of one spouse are effectively viewed as debts of the marriage. Is he similarly self-serving /arrogant in other areas?

ageofgrandillusion · 18/09/2013 07:39

He sounds a bit thick where money is concerned. Is he a gambler? And/or a drinker? If so, LTB or you will be forever chasing your tail.

TalkativeJim · 18/09/2013 07:46

Sounds like it is your house, and while you're linked to a person who you don't feel is a team with you, take legal steps to keep it that way.

ThreeTomatoes · 18/09/2013 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzabadger · 18/09/2013 08:04

Umm... We all get bank accounts with no credit history initially. Sounds well dodgy.

Do really want to stay with this drain on your emotional and financial resources?

CailinDana · 18/09/2013 08:11

I don't see why he couldn't get an account. I got one when I moved over from Ireland and to all intents and purposes didn't exist.

JustBecauseICan · 18/09/2013 08:14

It's simply untrue that you can't get a bank account because you have no credit history.

What was he doing in the big wide world up until 10 years ago? Sleeping with pound notes under his pillow?

I smell BS too.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 18/09/2013 08:15

I don't believe him. Any adult can get a basic bank account unless they have very poor credit history. And how did he get to the age he met you without having any bank account ever? Rubbish.

WayHarshTai · 18/09/2013 08:17

The government brought in a thing a few years ago making basic bank accounts available to everyone, maybe seven or eight years ago?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 18/09/2013 08:18

My XH got a bank account the month he moved here from a developing country! All he needed was a passport. He had zero credit history. They even gave him £250 overdraft! This was 2007 but still.