Positive ways to revenge on a cheating partner you have forgiven

[ofmiceandmen]

I have found one of the hardest part of forgiving someone who has cheated on you is the real desire to revenge in some way. especially when you have taken the decision to forgive them.
The almost animal desire to get your own back or do a counter affair just to feel whole.
In my case it was an EA sex texting OM on and off for the first few months of our relationship.
They whole heartedly apologise, they reveal all, they open their worlds, phone, FB the lot. but if you've been there you will know what I am feeling.

I have asked her to do some charity work on the weekends for a charity of my choice. I intend it not to be easy work

Can others share what they have done or share any tips in overcoming the random rushes of 'revenge' attacks.

Fetchez - Yes I can see that "prodding" thing happening so yes I agree.

as said I realise i have to move on. cheaters do have it easy but it's not for me right this wrong.

I'd forget about punishment or penance.
She'll end up resenting you and you won't feel better.
You need to regain trust in her and, presumably, your love for her.

What you want is to rebuild your relationship. This should take dedication from her. Openness of feelings, sharing your life as much as possible, etc.
She needs to earn your trust, certainly, but punishments are for parents, not partners.

I'd dig deep to find out why you would think you need revenge.

Lweji - I did dig pretty deep - and my honest feeling is that we came into this relationship having both been through some pretty tough times. I did the open honest no games discussion and i for the very first time ever opened completely. and i mean warts and all, early child abuse through to family dad cheating on DM etc. it happened over months slow and steady the way it was supposed to happen not in some rushed way. she shared her past and opened up warts and all breast C and all showed her body like never before. we shared a sexuality I felt that was open, honest and yes cheesy but truthful. (urgh I sound a bit mushy)

and so the feeling of betrayal feels complete. that whilst talking about that she would spend hours texting expletives to OM.

That this chap who just wanted her for flesh and would have it off with other people could be more valuable

that is the raw unfettered truth about what i feel.

You asked - sorry if thats TMI

I think you need to ask yourself if you can get over (or if she can do enough to help you get over) the feeling of complete betrayal.

We often say that trust takes a long time to earn and is lost in an instant.

Have you considered counselling for both?

I have considered counselling - as I think there are deeper issues for both,

I was a SAHD who was the bread winner (oddly) and when in the final run of court cases the DC were given to the my ex to be residential parent I think it took it's toll. (long story PND, abandoned came back claimed she had recovered, DC now looked after by exMIL who says they should have stayed with me - but ex gave a pretty good performance - credit her that)

She illness, change in physical form, child, exP leaves for OW, string of abusive relationships - wild post recovery years etc

So were we ready - looking back maybe not. its been 2 years for me and 3 years for her since those defining relationships and pivotal moments

But we are here now.

Also think part of the urges is about having done the right thing time and time again and it never having worked.

So yes... there is the urge to just to be the bad boy, take and take - having given so much.
and I am looking for a way to burn this negative energy - to do good with it. I don't drink so bang goes that avenue. I could sooo drink myself silly if I did. pity.

You could walk away...

Yes ... I have come to that decision more than once.

I guess it's that simple - forgive or walk away.

Thanks - I started on MN when my first DC was born and I was giving first milk and working out how to be mum and dad to DC.
little did I think I'd be on it almost 4 years later wondering how to do relationships. Funny old thing life.

When you get those kind of feelings about her , and her mistake , why don't you just go and do something to cheer yourself up ?

Or stop being a martyr and split ? If your still angry you haven't forgiven her .

If you can't get past this , there is a reason.
And 9 out of ten times , the kindest thing for both of you should be to walk away .

I think I understand what you are saying. You can work on reconciliation and want to to forgive but unless you develop total amnesia it's hard to act completely forgiving all the time.

There are always times when the past comes up to bite your arse HARD! It's been 19m since dday for us and life has got so much better but I still get waves of RAGE coming over me, from nowhere; 'How are he do that to me! Who the feck does he think he is? He cheated on me, on ME FFS!!!!' and i need to go for a run or a long walk and chunter for a bit.

I have learned that bringing it all up with him again and again doesn't help. He has done all that I have asked or could expect . He gets that he has hurt me more than anyone in my life has done so, he gets that there will be no more chances, he gets that my self-esteem has been dealt a near fatal blow and he is hugely remorseful ..... but there is nothing more he can say or do as I have to heal any residual hurts myself. I can have a bit of a weep and he will cuddle me and say he's sorry and that he loves me but the rages just drive a wedge between us even if he understands why they happen. So I rage alone, get it all out and feel OK again. He is responsible for what he did, he isn't responsible for my response to it.

So it is possible to forgive and still feel angry at times. I don't think that is so hard to understand. It's what you do with that anger that matters and I think revenge needs to be in your head only. I found counselling helped me. Have you tried that?

pinkpjs - agreed the martyr thing also pisses me off tbh. I just want to be a red blooded bloke who has a fun descent honest relationship. and it casts me again as the good guy (FFS - I want to be the sexy, got to have him guy, not Benedict the umpteenth).

Ormirian - Yes that's it exactly. That's everything I feel. down to the ME FFS!!!
And yes I will learn to rage alone Grrr. I already to the running. the down side of being able to work from home or office means your greatest enemy is time to think. success comes with it's own enemies.

I have looked at counselling and will try it out.

Why do you think being " the sexy guy " isn't the same as being " the good guy " ?.

The sexiest , red bloodied men Are the good ones .

There is nothing better than a man who does the right thing .
It's a myth that women prefer bad boys.

Most women wouldn't go near a man-tart .

I think you need to do some exercises in self -esteem .

You are more than man enough .
Don't compare yourself to anyone else . They are not you , at best nothing but a poor substitute to you .

It's a strong person who can really forgive . Not everyone has the balls to do it .

Start from there ...

that was probably a 'flinch' from the affair.

once you discover that someone is texting sex through into the night during an EA yes you do develop a sense of 'why'

twenty something idiot with numerous girls on the pull, a basic cocklodger but some how he got the thrills. yes it still stings.

ironically - if I had gone into the relationship thinking and talking only sex I would have been a red flag. Instead I played the lets wait to see how this develops game - "CHUMP!" haha

anyway - lotus position - hmmmmmmm

"The sexiest , red bloodied men Are the good ones . "

Agree. i am most likely to want to jump H's bones when I've watched him do something caring and generous for someone, or witnessed some loving patient behaviour with the children.

Personally you can keep the bad boys - too much like bloody hard work

Yuk, bad boys are the pits.

You kinda need to learn that the hard way though. I bet your gf has.

I'll just leave this here:
google: sausages hammer lawn

If your feelings of wanting 'recompense' are not shifting, this is what some refer to as 'not being able to get past it' and 'dead duck relationship'

Don't ignore what your gut instincts are telling you.

You don't :ave to put up with betrayal.

You have not known her very long - is she really worth you putting yourself through all this torment?

Someone posted this on MN a couple of days ago:
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.