Positive ways to revenge on a cheating partner you have forgiven

[ofmiceandmen]

I have found one of the hardest part of forgiving someone who has cheated on you is the real desire to revenge in some way. especially when you have taken the decision to forgive them.
The almost animal desire to get your own back or do a counter affair just to feel whole.
In my case it was an EA sex texting OM on and off for the first few months of our relationship.
They whole heartedly apologise, they reveal all, they open their worlds, phone, FB the lot. but if you've been there you will know what I am feeling.

I have asked her to do some charity work on the weekends for a charity of my choice. I intend it not to be easy work

Can others share what they have done or share any tips in overcoming the random rushes of 'revenge' attacks.

How about not wrecking everyone's lives with more misery and just splitting up? No-one is making him stay. Sounds like he's punishing her because he doesn't want another failed relationship. Yes, it is very fucked up.

What a strange op. I agree with others that if you want revenge then you haven't forgiven. Best to call time on the relationship rather than keep looking for ways to keep punishing you partner which ultimately will lead to misery and resentment on both sides.

You clearly haven't forgiven her yet. You can't make yourself forgive her just because you want to skip the hard part. In actual fact the best way to skip the hard part is to end the relationship...

and the community service thing is a tad odd

What is a shame, is that no one else has posted revenge stories

I'm with Offred, this is so fucked up and this relationship sounds best left alone. Why are you together OP?

I somehow feel sorry for the girlfriend. An EA in the early months of the relationship carried out largely via text is hardly an offence on a par with some of what you see on this board. It sounds like she was multi-dating, chose you, and male pride is such that you still have to punish her.

Also, I personally hate the idea of charity work being used as punishment. Firstly it's very rewarding, secondly because of that there can actually be a big waiting list for some volunteer posts. You're disadvantaging someone who could potentially really use the work experience, company etc to use interaction with the less fortunate to "punish" your GF. Just horrible.

I think that you really need to look up the definition of forgive.

stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake:

I'm fairly sure that true forgiveness doesn't mean finding some kind of appropriate revenge so that you can humiliate your partner. Rebuilding a relationship after any kind of affair is painful, difficult and very often impossible, but if I was your partner I wouldn't be hanging around to experience your version of "forgiveness".

Just for the record, and assuming that you are male, l would say the same thing if this was a woman posting.

It's not forgiveness if you want revenge.

Great saying: looking for revenge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.

I expect you'll get the usual posters cheering you on for a bit of voyeuristic vicarious revenge but really?

That's a lot of energy wasted that you could be putting into YOU, your life, business, family, whatever.

Such a shame and such a waste of your time. It's not going to change what happened.

I think your attitude is fucked up. You're using her infidelity to shame her into bending to your will. She should LTB because you sound controlling and nasty.

any tips in overcoming the random rushes of 'revenge' attacks.

Hide in a dark cupboard with lavender oil, Rocky Road and whale music until the urge has passed.

Get over it or split up.

I agree it does sound pretty F'd up.

and as usual my choice of working hasn't helped - working for a simple title.

I guess what I feel is this: Ok the cheating happened and you've decided to TRY and forgive - which takes time- I've read for some couples it's 2 years.
So are we just supposed to go skipping in the meadow whilst this healing process is going on.

I do not want to EXACT REVENGER... nor do i want to control her, far from it. I have feared that her over exertion to please me could easily lead to emotional abuse on my part.
I feel angry at times yes! and because we are in a bit of a LDR the most effective way to communicate at times is via text. so you an imagine the triggers as that was her chosen method of communicating with said OM.

So perhaps the thread should have read - HOW DO YOU MOVE PAST THIS STAGE and these emotions and see physically that there has been an effect in the DP's life.

they will never feel your anguish no matter what they say.

So is it a bad idea? and if so then is it not seeping it under the carpet? because other than ask them to do what they were supposed to be doing in the first place (respect you) there is not much else it would have affected their lives.
Surely a positive reminder - where she benefits and spends her time constructively will be good for us both?

wording*

I have feared that her over exertion to please me could easily lead to emotional abuse on my part.
What?
If you're emotionally abusive to her then that's a trait in you, not her behaviour. And you should definitely leave her until you are sure that you will never be tempted to be emotionally abusive to anyone again.

I'm sorry but I don't think that demanding your partner does charity work to atone for cheating is sensible, healthy and helpful. And if you are still in a LDR then end it for both your sakes, they only work if you have 100% trust and she won't ever be able to prove you can trust her if she's miles away.

and yes ... If i hadn't doubted my logic I would not have posted it. I guess this is aimed and garnishing some MN thoughts on my decision and seeing how it would look to her perhaps.

I do not want a tit tat cycle. those of you that have been here would see this urge.

FYI even if most people move on they often just take the complex feeling on to the next relationship which is why a lost of people who have been cheated on tend to end up cheating on their partners in one form or another or never fulling trusting the next partner. Is that not just taking it out on the wrong person

Ah no i am not emotionally abusive. why did I see that coming.

I meant she is being overly cautious and is in a stage where she will run around trying to over please.

this is a trait that led to the emotional affair. illness/surgery left it's mark and there's a need I sense to feel whole (trying not to give tmi)

she is emotionally vulnerable.

forgive my poor wording.

I don't think this relationship is going to make you happy mice.

Yes your plan if carried out how it is expressed would be emotionally abusive but you haven't done it, just thought about it.

You need to think about your needs and what makes you happy, doesn't sound like this relationship is it tbh. It is a new relationship and long distance and I think you should cut your losses.

Cheating is bad.

Forcing your partner to do penance for her behaviour is abusive.

This relationship does not sound very healthy at all, from either of you. Perhaps have a think about the reasons you do want to be together and work on those instead of focusing on how to 'get her back' for what she did. Or if you don't think you can, then perhaps it's time to move on?

So I guess I'll have to hide in the cupboard with lavender as suggested when these urges come on.

Never understood how people forgave stayed and moved on! this is so bloody hard.

lovely how revealing that I not want her to overly please me turns into my being abusive.

So like a lot of cheaters she is walking on egg shells worried she will lose me if she makes any mistake. nothing i have said would make her think this. I have said I am 100% committed to make it work.

So how do you get the cheater past that? because I am not comfortable with thinking/knowing she is working so hard to please.
how on earth do things get back to normal.

I thought the charity thing was a solution - a positive outcome a place she can use up that nervous energy.

Ah well - if all else fails LTB (and some how that turned out to be me on this thread - amazing how that works)

OP - seriously? Now this is about helping her to feel more secure in the relationship?! We can read. In your OP you said:

...the real desire to revenge in some way

The almost animal desire to get your own back

I have asked her to do some charity work on the weekends for a charity of my choice. I intend it not to be easy work grin

...overcoming the random rushes of 'revenge' attacks.

These all smack of some kind of punishment abuse - you want her to feel bad... 'I intend it not to be easy work' not a place where she can use up her nervous energy.

Honestly - I think your relationship sounds a bit sick and you clearly have not forgiven at all.

Maybe you have expressed it clumsily but hopefully you can see where people are coming from when they say making her do charity work as revenge would be abusive?

But like I say, you haven't done it. Please don't.

I'm not sure it is your job to fix her.

It is hard to move past cheating, I don't think people are condemning your feelings, just if they turned into what you said in your op.

Focus on yourself I think rather than fixing her. Cheating is horrible.

yougotmail... I do see this. and it worried me hence the post.

this is all new to me and she is vulnerable but so am I at this point. was pretty blind sided.

It may help to know that I am doing the same said voluntary work, I needed an outlet and begin this weekend (and fencing season is not back for a while, so can't let off steam that way).

So maybe that's enough.

If this was someone else's thread I know what I would be saying, but god when it's your own you can hardly see the wood for the trees.

my advice to OP- this needs to be a totally new relationship. it is starting from day one. start dating again and get to know this person for who they really are and not who you thought they were.
Define your lines now and stick to them. and mean it. if crossed leave.
this takes away the need to replay the past because this relationship has nothing to do with the past. If you can't do this leave before you do yourself and this other person serious damage.

Thats what mice would have said - thank you all

You're talking about some sort of penance, from her. Both for you and for her. For you - you see that she's really serious that she fucked up and wants to make things better. For her - she actually gets a chance to DO something, to try and make things better.

The difficulty is - when does it stop?

You are hurt and angry, and rightfully so. It is her fault, and she feels guilty, and rightfully so. Her obligation is to take your rightful anger, and not turn it back on you and blame you. But you need to be careful you don't now become the abuser, and she doesn't become a doormat. Because that's not a partnership.

Every time she goes to do this charity work that you don't intend to be easy, she (and you) will be reminded of her misdemeanours. It's like prodding at a wound to keep it open. That's not forgiveness.

Also, please clarify a few things for me because I'm confused. How long have you been with your girlfriend? Do you have children with her, or with your ex-wife?