LEAVING

[beyondthehorizon]

When my husband left me I was devastated, I was convinced he was having an affair with one of his 'friends'. But suppose she had taken my place as his confidant... we had drifted so far apart just got on with day to day as many couples do often for children. But what are those children really witnessing??? a couple not showing affection and love? isn't that more damaging? This other women had become his best friend instead of me... and after 15 years together he said his feelings had changed which I know they do for many people.

Im saddened to see so many of you suffering from the aftermath of affairs but surely some of those affairs could have been prevented if talking had taken place. I know I know there are men who cheat all the time. But when love and companionship is missing I KNOW from me.... my personal experience at some point an affair or friendship will happen..
when needs arent met over months years someone will come along and meet then possibly not maybe intentially... I read a book called his needs her needs and it has revolutionalised my thinking.. I don't intend to make the same mistakes again in my new relationship.

Ive read the back lash of men who have strayed upon their wives... those saying its not your fault...and of course affairs ARENT right but I cant accept that for most the failure is potentially down to both, in another posting a women had bravely admitted to having an affair.. because her marriage she felt had changed her feelings had changed...and no again the affair wasn't the answer... but telling the truth to her partner about her changed feelings should be spoken...

I had to let my husband go why would I want to hang on to him when he wanted out... when our relationship would have been nothing more than co habiting... its ridiculous... this way we are both now good parents, our children are witnessing us both with new loving partners... and not some cold empty partnership that had died..

my point.... keep talking to those you love. before its too late and the serious damage is done.. and if you aren't feeling ok then let your partner know.. and if he has the courage to tell you the same then talk and if hes adamant let him go, cause hanging on will destroy yourself and him and potentially your childrens ability to love themselves.

love to all those suffering x

Sorry but you are really wrong. Marriages go stale but cheating is not inevitable or excusable and the cheater could always make a choice not to cheat. It's not acceptable to apportion blame to the cheated on partner or the state of the relationship.

No one is entitled to a sex life or affection, if they marriage is stale work on it or end it, dont string your spouse along just incase theres not a better offer out there.

Both people are normally responsible for the state of the relationship however a cheater is solely responsible for the cheating and for the destruction it causes.

You didn't "let your husband go". He left you.

I don't understand your 3rd paragraph. You say you don't agree that affairs are the fault of both people. I don't think I've ever seen a post on MN that says they are. They are the fault of the person who has sex with someone who is not their partner no?

but the woman/man of the cheating partner does have a part to play in this when knowing their partner has cheated, had a long affair, not in love with you no more but still chooses to take them back. When it happens again then surely it was always going to repeat itself, if he/she loved you then they wouldn't cheat in the beginning. they had an affair because they don't want you no more, simple as that. i'm not condoning affairs but it isn't always all the cheating partners fault when taken back

It is always the cheating partner's fault.

That's not to say I personally believe cheaters should be flogged or that cheating is the end of the world always.

But it is always the chester's fault.

Cheater's!!!

Bullshit.

It is alwaysthe cheaters fault.

The last time i fell and landed on someones cock was , let me think, oh yeah i remember. Never.

Cheating is a choice, as is talking to your spouse. If the cheater chose to speak to husband or wife re problems in marriage then perhaps an affair cnjuld be avoided, but sadly they dont.

I do think affairs are complicated and all very, very different. Some are horrific abuses and some are understandable choices but they are all the chester's choice, responsibility and fault.

Bloody autocorrect - cheater's!!!!

A cheating partner is always totally to blame. They could have done the decent thing and ended their relationship but instead they went for a cheap thrill.

I find your post very offensive.

I think Beyond is trying to help - not excuse. I think that sometimes there is fault on both sides, but often there isn't. We often read accounts from women seriously wronged here on MN. That's not to say Beyond can't post her thoughts.

I agree with lunar, your post is offensive.

As you are on the other side of it and are with a new partner i also think your post in hugely insensitive to post it on the relationships board where so many threads have been started recently by women whom are in those horrific early dark days.

She could post it in chat.

She could have worded the title of her thread better. I feel its misleading other posters.

I clicked on it as im planning my escape. Other women who are heartbroken due to an affair will not want to read that the affair could have been avoided had they just talke. Patronising.

Blonde.....been thinking of u....u ok? Hope you're hanging in there....

Hiya mamma, im very good thank you. Had my first counselling session this morning, i feel better already. Onwards and upwards eh ;)

Maybe she should have given it another title, but it is her opinion, and she clearly felt she had something to say, and an experience to share.

I agree with blonde actually, can you report it and change the title/move it to chat.

I had reason to cheat on my husband. He was shagging around our whole marriage, so he'd certainly lost the moral high ground. And I felt I couldn't sleep with him in case I caught something. Awful marriage.
You know what? 5 years, no sex, climbing the walls. I did not cheat. I felt I might - so I finally left. Other reasons too (as above!) but see, all that did not "make me cheat" - and I bet there's few who wouldn't have understood if I did.
But I didn't. Because cheating is wrong (sometimes forgiveable, but still wrong) and I chose not to. Cheaters have a choice, and cheaters are to blame. End of.

Maybe I'm cynical but I don't see it as trying to help. Women post on this board who are in serious pain. The title is misleading and makes me feel like its rubbing salt in the wound.

I dont feel op is trying to help at all. She is of course entitled to her opinion, but this board is not the place. You would get more support from your tights.

Had i just discovered that my husband was cheating i would not read her post and find it helpful.

This is why I don't post very often. Why shouldn't she have as much right to post it as any of us? This board is called Relationships, it is not any more specific than that - people post about their family, their friends, their children. I am clearly in a minority, but I don't read this as a deliberately provocative post - the language and construction is all wrong for that, and frankly it's a bit all over the place. I mean really, if you don't like what she says, make your point and move onto another thread, you don't have to accuse her of being offensive or unsupportive.

I dont think anyone has the right to tell a poster to make their point and move onto another thread.

You a contradicting yourself.

If op has a right to post, then surely anyone can post as many responses as they like.

I agree with you blonde.
Glad you're doing well...counselling sounds positive. Hoping to start some myself. Onwards and upwards indeed. High five you
X