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Original poster

Twins

50 replies

playedforafool · 17/09/2013 20:50

I will keep this brief.

I am pregnant with twins, hooray we have tried IVF quite a few times and success due christmas. I met my husband when he was recently separated from his ex wife he already has children. His eldest daughter who is 21 lives with us
We got on well and a few years later here we are. Very happy ,,,,not !!!

I have just found out all the time the whole entire time he has been with me he was seeing someone else. A married woman.

I just can’t get my head round it. I am so stupid. I go from being so angry to crying my eyes out. We got on so well. I know people say the wife must know but I never suspected.

I confronted him and he said it was true.

Can I forgive him? I feel I should try because of the babies. But I cant even talk to him at the moment.

OP posts:
stemstitch · 17/09/2013 20:51

WHAT?! How did you find out?

HansieMom · 17/09/2013 20:55

What a cad he is. No self respect, no character. It was not a one time thing, he has been cheating for years. So sorry.

Original poster
playedforafool · 17/09/2013 21:00

A couple of his colleagues made some cryptic remarks about the OW how close they always seemed to be, then I remembered he’d spoken about her a lot when we first met said she was a friend, they work at the same place.

So I confronted him and he denied it, so I said I was going to go and ask her myself what was going on and then he confessed.

OP posts:
meiisme · 17/09/2013 21:27

I don't have any advice on dealing with a cheater, but as a mum of twins can tell you that your relationship is going to be under a lot of pressure during the first year. It is HARD work and you need to be a strong team to make it work, because for months there is simply no time to think about much else than getting through the day. So whatever you do, try to have the situation settled before they are born, because you will need a structure you can rely on. Looking back, I wish I had left when I was pregnant.

Offred · 17/09/2013 21:32

Agree totally with meiisme.

Whether he is there or not when the babies come you will be under a lot of pressure and will likely need a lot of support. It will harm you if the support structure you have in place is unreliable so if you can't be absolutely sure of him I would split up now and plan to rely on other people. You will have no time or energy for dealing with him when the babies come.

Xales · 17/09/2013 21:34

Can you forgive him? Only you can answer that. You will never forget though.

Has he stopped seeing her? How do you know? You are going to be very busy with twins, you won't have a clue where he is.

Your next year is going to be hell. All the pain and heartache, then the work with the twins, all the pregnancy and birth hormones thrown into the mix.

Find out all your options staying together or kissing his sorry cheating arse out. Knowledge is power even if you don't have to use it you will not be as scared as not knowing.

Have you had an STI test? You need to get one even if he says he used condoms as they don't protect from everything.

Personally I think this is unforgivable.

Sorry.

Xales · 17/09/2013 21:35

kicking not kissing

stemstitch · 17/09/2013 21:37

I would not be able to come back from this. He has been seeing her the ENTIRE time? You married him not knowing, therefore you didn't even give your free consent to getting married. Horrible.

Original poster
playedforafool · 17/09/2013 21:48

The entire bloody time

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/09/2013 22:01

I have to say that I couldnt try to save this marriage, because there isnt one.

Sorry to be harsh but its true.

Having twins will be a lot harder with a man who has no respect or love for you than doing it alone. Do you have RL support? could you stay with your parents for a while, perhaps for a few months after the babies are born so you have help? How are you financially?

What an utter bastard, I cannot begin to articulate my contempt for this piece of fucking shit.

Ezio · 17/09/2013 22:03

I couldnt be with a man whos vows and family life meant fuck all to him, your whole relationship has been a lie, you know he wont ever change.

Fgs, dont stay for the babies, they wont thank you for being a martyr.

You deserve more and you know it.

stemstitch · 17/09/2013 22:09

Tbh I don't think it would last even if you tried. He would probably just continue to lack respect for you because you let him get away with bad behaviour. Do you really think your marriage can last for 20 or so more years?

I agree - essentially, you aren't married, as I'm guessing you wouldn't have married him if you had known.

Original poster
playedforafool · 17/09/2013 22:10

I'm okay financially . I intended to go back to work after my maternity leave as I'm the greater wage earner. And he was doing the child care. Yes I could go and live with my parents for a bit.
I was so excited and so was everybody for me after all the failed ivf attempts.

OP posts:
Original poster
playedforafool · 17/09/2013 22:11

No I would not have married him if I had known !

OP posts:
stemstitch · 17/09/2013 22:12

You will still have the babies. You will have something good out of everything.

saggyhairyarse · 17/09/2013 22:17

I wouldn't be able to get over this. I know some women could but I just couldn't.

I feel so sad for you because this should be such a happy time for you and now it has been tainted by this betrayal.

I would much rather be on my own than be with someone who has cheated on me and put the health of me and my babies at risk. I have divorced with 3 children and it is not easy but it is easier on my own than with the dead weight of a shitty relationship in tow.

It will be bloody hard, if that's what you decide to do, but it is doable; if you have no family support, there is Sure Start, Childrens Centres and support groups aimed at parents with twins. You will be just fine.

Original poster
playedforafool · 17/09/2013 22:33

Thank you. I'm just so shocked my heads all over the place .
I don't think I know him at all

OP posts:
Original poster
playedforafool · 18/09/2013 07:28

Feel slightly more copeable this morning. Going to seek advice re going forward without him. Taking a few days off work.

I can't stay with a man like that.we have just had a lovely holiday together I thought we were going to be a family !

It was all lies

OP posts:
Offred · 18/09/2013 07:30

I'm really sorry, it's such a crap thing to happen. Have you been on the multiples bit of MN? It was a big help to me when I was pregnant.

Offred · 18/09/2013 07:30

What an utter knob he is... :(

silverangel · 18/09/2013 07:45

What a horrible man. As someone upthread said twins put an incredible strain on a solid relationship in the first year, never mind something like this. I don't think I could stay with him. Go to your parents and put your energy into your babies. If you decide to leave there is also a single parent section on TAMBA with lots of practical advice.

Original poster
playedforafool · 18/09/2013 08:42

Indeed a horrible man. Yes I have just started reading the multiple bit thanks.
My mum never did like him !

OP posts:
Hegsy · 18/09/2013 09:46

So sorry OP Thanks I'm sure you are doing the right thing, you and your babies will be fine if you've got family and friends who will love and support you. Sounds like his colleagues were disgusted with him if the were dropping hints.

Original poster
playedforafool · 18/09/2013 15:29

I think they probably are. I hope so. I may email the ow. Apparently she has dropped him like a brick now I know. Too have had an affair god nearly 5 years ! It's disgusting

OP posts:
totallydone · 18/09/2013 15:33

He will probably come crwling back now what he has been dumped. Just be on your guard for all the pleading, begging and crying.
Does his 21 year old DD know what her DF has been up too-- l bet she is disgusted