Twins

[playedforafool]

I will keep this brief.

I am pregnant with twins, hooray we have tried IVF quite a few times and success due christmas. I met my husband when he was recently separated from his ex wife he already has children. His eldest daughter who is 21 lives with us
We got on well and a few years later here we are. Very happy ,,,,not !!!

I have just found out all the time the whole entire time he has been with me he was seeing someone else. A married woman.

I just can’t get my head round it. I am so stupid. I go from being so angry to crying my eyes out. We got on so well. I know people say the wife must know but I never suspected.

I confronted him and he said it was true.

Can I forgive him? I feel I should try because of the babies. But I cant even talk to him at the moment.

She does and she's horrified. I can't even bear to see him at the moment

Twins are hard work, and yes it does put pressure on you. But once they sleep through the night, you'll be fine. You just have to be very organised. Have the confidence that you can be a good mum to them- whatever the outcome of your marriage.

I hope I will cope. God he's a twunt he really is.

Trying to stay calm

OP, my DH is self employed, and for 29 weeks after my twins were born he worked 7 days a week. It was very hard but manageable by being very organised and accepting help from any quarter.
I needed, at the time to concentrate completely on getting through each day, and could not have coped with any emotional trauma. DH was very supportive despite being "at work" all the time.
On your own you know where you stand and can organise your life accordingly.
Be honest with yourself will you ever forgive or forget, his betrayal has been huge.
I wish you well, enjoy Motherhood xx

Thank you oldwoman.

Your right his betrayal has been huge !

It was our anniversary yesterday. bastard.

My parents are coming to stay for a bit of support as I was feeling very low.

I still don’t know howI didn’t know what was going on ? If that makes sense

So sorry for you OP. What on earth was he thinking doing IVF with you under these circumstances? What a fucking hypocrite.

Get out and go to your parents.

I think he was just going with the flow. He wanted more children with me. Maybe I pushed him into it. We tried 6 times before success I was probably getting obsessed.

I'm so horrified for you OP. You sound incredibly strong though and I'm quite sure you can manage on your own. There's no doubt that the next year will be very, very hard but the advice upthread is good: get proper, RL support structures in place before your babies are born.

It's great that your parents are able to help and take every, single offer which comes from elsewhere of "If there's anything I can do" that you get. Give them jobs: ask if they can deliver a casserole or something, do the shopping for you, put the washing out - whatever needs doing that will make your life easier. Could you afford a cleaner - at least for the first few months after they're born?

Make plans now, and you will cope. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Op do not in any way blame yourself he is a twunt of the highest order and his choices are his alone.
As a mum of dts i will say it is hard work. nigh on relentless for the first 12 weeks. but after twelve weeks it gets better. twins often sleep through earlier...because they are not alone.

But and i learned this the hard way, you need to be shameless about asking for help and accepting every offer you get even if it is just someone to do some washing or takes the bins out. full on play the sympathy card. Rally all your friends relatives stand tell them you will take any help they can give and hang out with sibgelton mums they will be in awe of you.
And now i am an lp i find it tough but easier than if they were different ages. they are company for each other and they went to school the same day etc.

I did not leave x because i was so overwhelmed at thought of twins and i should have.
My parents have been fab. his mum has been fab. and his kids were a big help.

Wishing you.luck and strength.
If you want to pm about twins please do. I consular coat it but there are lots of wonderful plays sides and good things you can get to make life easier.

And always- double the love double the hugs.

this man is a cheater. Marry the mistress, create a vacancy (not that I'm saying you were the mistress... but he 'moved on' very quickly from his marriage..).

imo he will always be a cheater.

I agree that it will be 'easier' on your own with the twins. I don't think you can get over this, nor should you. If he did it for 5 years there is no shame in him. How could he do that for 5 years, all the while you were ttc?? The mind boggles.

I'm sorry to wade in with this but please be careful re childcare: if he does most of it he would have a good claim for full custody further down the line. Forewarned is forearmed and all that. Sorry.

So glad your parents are coming to support you xx

You say that you dont know how you didnt know what was going on. How on earth would you know? This has been your "normal"!

In a marriage where both partners are faithful and then one cheats, there are signs, subtle sometimes but unmistakeable. You have only ever known him during his affair with this woman, so there have been no changes tfor you to pick up on.

Dont blame yourself for any of this. He has used you in the most despicable way and I am glad that she has dumped him, because at least he knows how it feels to be used and discarded.

Thanks for all your support .

He did move on quickly from his first marriage his ex was abusive. He was living with his mother and I offered for him to move in fairly quickly after we met. I thought it would be easier for his kids to visit as well.Although they are all pretty grown up now
.

The thing I know he loved me. He did,, but how could he have??! Can you love and be having an affair?

He said he tried to stop the affair several times , really, obviously i was lacking in some areas.

NO YOU WERE NOT.

HE was lacking on some areas to have done this. Would you have done it? would you present as a defence that you 'tried to stop it a number of times'? If you did it, what would that say about you?

Abusive ex? (Sorry, I take such pronouncements with a huge pinch of salt.)

There are some lines you don't cross - eg a murderers defence couldn't be that they tried to stop murdering. Crossing the line into adultery is a BIG STEP, ample opportunity throughout to pull back.

Don't feel sorry for him eh. You did that at the beginning of your relationship, look where it got you. He's not some poor sad thing who can't help himself.

Are your parents there yet? Take care, lovely.

Thanks springybuffy parents will be here shortly.

No I have done with trying to do my best by him. Your right there is NO defence what he has done has shattered my life.

Just found this thread and just want to add my support. He has behaved horrifically, and all the better this has come to light before he became the main caregiver with you at work full time.

He has totally destroyed any chance of ever being a respectful father or husband.

Justvwabted to add that this is awful whatvhechad done to you. The fact he married you and ttc all whilst seeing this woman makes it unforgivable.

Who knows what lies about you he's been filling the other woman with?

It'll will be awfully hard but you are better off being a single parent, trying to trust him whilst dealing with newborns will drive you insane. You need to just focus on you and ur your babies

You were conned, playedforafool. I was too ( though not as bad as you :( )

It's shit and momentarily I wonder where I'd be now if this trickster hadn't slid his way into my life - but what's done's done. I'm scrambling out the other side and so will you :)

How awful :-( how far on are you? I left myex after finding out he was having an affair and continued the pregnancy on my own, it was the best thing I did, starting as I meant to go on with just me and the children, it will be hard especially with two but worth not living with someone who respects you so little, you deserve so much more than that xx

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you OP.

This is his doing, not yours.

You have commented that he has shattered your life. Please don't believe that. The devastation is temporary.

Good luck with your twins xxx

Thank you all x

The thing is im not young (early 40s) and he was my ideal ,I really thought we would be a family. I will do this on my own, I will, but its like my life has now taken another turn not by my choice.

Im so angry about this. I hate him .

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation and a shocking betrayal!

I left my X when my DTs were 4 months old. Like a couple of other posters have said, it would have been a lot easier had I done it while still pregnant.

It won't be easy, but you'll survive and eventually thrive. Like you I was the higher earner, so I had economic independence to help me, and quite frankly my job saved my sanity in that first year.

The huge upside to this, is that getting through this experience will give you huge amounts of confidence and coping mechanisms as a result. Very, very little fazes me these days. I have looked into the abyss and I'm still here and happy. I know I can cope with whatever life throws at me (except the loss the of one of my DC). That will be the same for you. You will come back better and stronger for this.

For now, hold on to the anger. Channel it into organising a new place to live, setting up your support structure, getting a divorce in motion. Right now anger is your friend and will galvanise you. It's only when it has nowhere to go that you run the risk of becoming bitter and destroyed by it.

Good luck and congratulations on your babies.

Just adding support for you - what a horrible situation but you will have two beautiful babies who will love you no matter what!

I am so sorry that this has happened OP. But you will manage. I have twins (and an older singleton), and the first few months are hard going. But keep focused on the longer term; it gets so much easier as they begin to entertain each other. You will definitely be able to cope without your twunt, and you will have such joy from your two little ones. What a fool he is.